The Ocarina of a Link to the Awakening of Time
by Lunaretine
Summary: A parody of mine that has been in the works for almost seven years. I basically make fun of the whole convoluted Zelda storyline. I'm just curious to see what people say about it. Reviews would rock. Rated R for strong language and sexual humor
1. Twas Not a Beautiful Day in Hyrule

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA:

THE OCARINA OF A LINK TO THE AWAKENING OF TIME

A disturbing parody by: Lunaretine 

PRELUDE: GOD HELP YOU

Okay, this isn't a sequel or any crap like that. This is the story from the start to the finish. No in-between games or stories that confuse the hell out of you (and me too for that matter.) This is the tale of a young boy's run in with destiny, his life as he matures, the love he has for the bitchy heroine of our story, and the epic battles of fate (:::cough::::) fought between him and his arch-nemesis Ganon. 

Now is where I'm supposed to advise you to cover your eyes and head for the hills, because this story is so vile, so perverse that it shouldn't be read by anyone. By combining elements from the past Zelda games up until Ocarina of Time, I have created quite a piece of work which would make any good Christian's eyes bleed. Characters and situations from the new games, such as The Wind Waker, will also be included later on in this epic parody. (Truth is, I haven't gotten up to writing those parts yet, dammit.) This story isn't to be taken literally and is only a fabrication of my pea-brain. Please don't expect anything the least bit serious or dramatic in this tale, because you certainly won't get it. It is a mere product of my insanity. I based the story in the world from Ocarina of Time, so Link and Zelda look as they do in the game. Ganon, on the other hand, is in his true pigish form as he was back in those kick ass 1980's cartoons. It's just funnier that way. There are also numerous pop culture references, ranging from Austin Powers, to South Park, to the Internet. Sure, they didn't exist in the Middle Ages, but they're sure as hell sweet. 

The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of a Link to the Awakening of Time has earned a blown out R rating for adult language, situations, and a great deal of sexual humor. Hell, it shouldn't be read by anyone with an IQ over 30, as you would know better and turn your nose up into the air at this utter rubbish then use it to wipe your arse with. But for those who love a good parody and don't care that it's not 100% faithful to the actual storyline (which makes little sense anyway and is extremely convoluted) then I implore you to read on. But, if you're a stuck up fanatic who has his/her Ph.D. in Zeldaology, I strongly suggest that you turn back and run....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!! Ah-em...aight here's the goddam story! 

CHAPTER ONE: 'TWAS NOT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN HYRULE

The year was 1091, Legend of Zelda time that is. The land of Hyrule was finally at peace, thanks to the courageous efforts of the Hero of Time. Ganon was banished (once again) into the Nether Realm and the Triforce of Power was returned safely to be united with its other two counterparts, Wisdom and Courage. Today in Hyrule was a time of celebration. Our Hero has just returned from whooping piggy ass for the umpteenth time, yet he is nowhere to be found. 

Meanwhile, two thieves were taking advantage of the situation. Hyrule Castle was empty because of the festivities at Hyrule Castle Town, leaving the royal treasures there for the taking. The thieves were outside, trying to scale the castle wall. 

"Do you think we'll be caught?" One thief nervously asked as he helped his partner hoist up a rope. 

"Na," the other calmly answered. 

"But what if Link catches us?" 

"He won't." Thief #2 chuckled. "He's probably kissing the Princess' ass again." 

"Let's just steal some rupees then leave." 

"Why? You scared?" 

"N-no!" the man stammered as he shook his head negatively. 

"Big bad Link's gonna get you!" 

"Shut up! This was your idea--" 

All of a sudden, they heard rustling from the tree branches behind them. 

"Did you hear that?" Thief #1 questioned. He dropped the rope and looked at his partner. 

"Just the wind, that's all. Now help me with this damn rope!" 

Then, out of the blue, a figure clad in green came crashing to the ground from the tree behind the gentlemen. 

"Oww! My ass! I think I broke my butt bone! Jesus Christ--hey you two! What do you think you're doing?" the Hero of Time made his dramatic entrance and took his time returning to his feet. He let out a yawn, then stretched his arms high above his head. 

"Uh, we're just...we were..." Thief #1 began to make up a lame excuse. 

"Just checking something--" His cohort interjected, making a bad attempt to hide the rope behind his back. 

"Yes, that's it!" 

"Do you think I'm as stupid as I look?" Link frowned. Jeez...these guys are grade A assholes, that's for sure... 

"No, of course not!" 

"You're the Hero of Time!" 

"That's right, I'm the Hero, not you two losers. Now, get out of here before I have to break my foot on your sorry asses!" As Link said this, he began to reach around his shoulder and made an attempt to unsheathe his sword from its holder thingie, but there was nothing there. "What the? Aw, crap!" 

"Ha ha! The hero doesn't even have a weapon!" The thieves laughed. 

Suddenly, the two saw something fall from the tree's branches, and make a "swish!" sound as it cut through the air. They quickly silenced their howls when they watched the item land neatly at Link's feet. 

"Ah, here we go." the Hero smiled. He bent down and picked up his weapon. It wasn't just any ordinary weapon though. It was special. 

"That's the Master Sword!" Thief #2 exclaimed, pointing a short, somewhat disgustingly hairy finger at Link. 

"The sword of evil's bane!" His buddy chimed in, equally now ready to shit his tights. 

"Yup, that would be my sword." Link simply said as he did some fancy fencing moves with it. 

"What kind of uncoordinated hero are you?" the pudgy, hairy thief asked. 

"I'm a damn good one, now scram before I have to actually use this thing!" the Hero threatened. 

"AAGGHHH!!!!" the thieves screamed as they fled the scene. 

"That's right, you best be running." Link triumphantly smirked to himself. He then raised an eyebrow at the cheery music and bullshit he heard in the distance, emanating from the town square. "Oh, party!" he skipped off towards Hyrule Castle Town. 

The entire middle of town was set up with all sorts of tables, wagons, shops, and so on. People were dancing, laughing, eating, getting wasted, or anything that floated their boat. The King and his daughter were standing amidst to the crowd, waiting for their hero. 

"My dear daughter," the King began. "Where is Link?" 

"I don't know, Daddy." 

"He should be here. This festival is only being held in his honor." 

"He'll show up, Daddy." Princess Zelda reassured. ...He's probably locked in his bathroom again, doing disgusting things, as usual... 

Link walked into the town square and immediately spotted the King and Princess. At the sight of her, Link felt his heart begin to flutter, while his stomach started to make funny noises. It was a warm, squishy feeling. You know...it was love. Well, it was either that or the runs. 

"Okay Link, don't do anything dorkish....don't do anything dorkish..." he calmly said to himself as he walked over to the two. Apparently he was concentrating so hard that he tripped over a stray Cucco bird, which caused him to almost lose his balance and fall flat on his face. "Shit, that was pretty dorkish, now wasn't it?" Muttering to himself, he reached the royal pair and snuck up behind Zelda. He decided to surprise the Princess by taking a lock of her long blond hair and gently tugging on it. That got her attention. 

"Link!" 

"Hey, Zelda!" 

She eyed him up and down. He looked very handsome today in his green tunic and white tights. 

"Where were you, Link?" 

"I was taking a nap in the tree outside your bedroom window and I woke up and fell out of it and hurt my--" 

"Oh Link, there you are!" the King smiled, interrupting the Hero mid-sentence. 

"Hello, your Majesty." Link politely bowed. 

"Once again I would like to thank you for saving the kingdom from the evil clutches of Ganondorf....err....once again. Without you, Link, we are nothing!" 

"Hey, no problem! All part of a hero's job...to save kingdoms and beautiful princesses." Link looked right at Zelda as he said the last part. Embarrassed, she put her head down and turned beet red. 

"Well Link, you have fun. I'm gonna buy me an apple strudel!" the portly King waddled off, leaving Link and Zelda alone. The Hero turned to his princess. 

"Hey Princess?" 

"Yes?" 

"Do you remember the promise you made to me before I left on my magical journey?" He asked, moving closer to her. 

"No, I don't." she looked up at him innocently. 

"Oh? Well I remember it quite vividly." 

"And what was it?" 

"You said that when I came back, you'd give me a kiss. Every time I was near death, like when I was about to fall of a very big cliff or when Ganon was frying my ass with his fireballs, I thought of the kiss. Your sweet, full lips against mine. That's what pulled me through, the thought of that kiss. So my dear lady, you owe me some tongue!" 

She just stared at him. 

"No, I don't recall ever promising you that." 

"Okay, well you didn't promise tongue, but you did promise me a simple kiss!" 

"Ohh, I remember..." Zelda grinned. She loved pissing Link off, it was so much fun! 

"Yes, now, you owe me." 

"So you want your kiss, huh?" 

"Yeah, that would be nice." he sarcastically answered as he smirked at her. 

"Fine then. Get ready, here it comes." 

"Oh sweet!" He puckered up, closed his eyes, and bent down a little. She nicely planted a kiss on his forehead, then backed away. He opened up his eyes, shocked. "Uhh...Zelda, you're off about four inches. My lips are down here." 

"Ohhh...you wanted it on the lips?" 

"Yes, that was the idea." 

"Well, you didn't say you wanted it on your lips, so I assumed anywhere would be fine." 

"But I wanted it on the lips!" 

"You didn't say that," 

"It was in the fine print of our promise!" Link whined, tightly holding his fists at his sides. 

"I'm sorry," Zelda smiled. "Your turn is over." 

"Aw come on!" 

"Link?" 

"Y-yes?" 

"Would you like to share an apple pie with me? Impa baked it for us." 

"No, I want my kiss, dammit!" 

"Well, I'm going to get some pie." She started to walk away when he blocked her path. 

"I want a kiss." He simply said as a grin developed across his face. 

"Link!" Zelda giggled, trying to push past him. 

"Nope Zelda, you're not gonna pass me!" he playfully grabbed her and they began to play-fight with each other, pushing each other back and forth, both laughing wildly. 

In the distance, two old women were watching the pair. 

"I just knew it." one said to her friend. 

"What?" 

"Look at that." 

"Yes, what about it?" 

"They better get together soon." 

"Oh, I hope they do. I remember Link when he was a dirty little boy from the forest, no he's turned into such a strapping, handsome young Hylian man!" 

"If I were young enough I'd go for him." 

"So would I..." she licked her thin lips. Link was quite the piece of man-meat. Almost every chick in Hyrule wanted him...that was, every chick except for the chick he wanted back. Well, that'll change. 

"That princess better put out soon." 

"Little bimbo!" 

Link, in the midst of fooling around, grabbed Zelda's hand and started to drag her through the crowd. 

"Where are we going?" she happily squealed, tripping over boxes, people, Cucco birds, and the random dead body as Link pulled her along. 

"You'll see!" he called back. 

So he yanked her through the festivities, up the path to Hyrule Castle, and then over to the castle wall, where it was nice and quiet...and private. He took her under one of the archways so they wouldn't be seen. They both were out of breath from running so hard. Link leaned against the wall as Zelda subconsciously rested her head on his chest to catch her breath. The Hero immediately noticed. He wanted to put his arms around her and hold her close, but if he did, she might get upset and flip out on him. She was known for doing that. 

A moment later, Zelda noticed the pounding of his heart on her ear and realized where she was. Ashamed, she pulled away and rested on the wall next to him. 

"So, why did you take me here?" she asked. 

With another stupid grin, Link suddenly moved in front of her. 

"You know...I'm still holding you up for that kiss." 

"Oh jeez, well I guess you're not gonna give up 'till you get it." 

"Nope, you know me, hard-headed and stubborn." 

"Well, okay, just don't make a big deal out if it, and you're lucky I'm in a good mood today." 

"So you're going to give it to me?" he smiled, moving his face closer to hers. He could smell the sweetness of her skin (or was that bad breath?) and wanted her--badly. 

"Here we go..." she grinned, moving her face closer to his. Their lips got closer and closer. 

"No tongue?" Link smirked. 

"No." 

Their lips were like less than an inch apart when Zelda went to wrap her arms around him. She felt something on his back. 

"You're armed...you brought your sword." she whispered. 

Lips were very close together now. 

"Uh-huh," 

"Wait--you still have your sword?" her voice got a tad bit louder. 

"Yeah," he ignored her question and just wanted to kiss her. 

"The--Master Sword?" 

Link was just about to kiss her when he opened up his big mouth. 

"Yup." 

"YOU ASSHOLE!" she violently pushed him away. 

"What did I do now?!" he yelled. ...What the hell did I say now? Dammit, I had to say something just now, didn't I? What the hell is wrong with me?... 

"You were supposed to put it back after Ganon's defeat! It's supposed to seal him in the Evil Realm!" 

"Well I kept it as a souvenir!" 

"You can't! You must put it back before Ganon escapes--AGAIN!" 

"Fine fine, but after our kiss-" 

"No, do it now!" Zelda commanded, her large blue eyes sparkling with anger. 

"Can't it wait 'till after-" 

"NO!" 

"Well excuse me, Princess!" 

"Don't give me that crap! Go and put it back!" 

"Fine! I'm gonna go right now!" 

He was just about to storm off when suddenly the sky got real dark and it began to thunder and lightning and a whole bunch of little pink piggies came falling from the clouds, and a loud, familiar voice boomed: 

"I AM BACK! 'TIS I! THE...THE...KING OF EVIL!" 

"Aw, fuck me!" Link whined as he banged his head against the castle wall. ...I have just the luck! And right before I'm about to tongue Zelda. Ganon will pay...again... 

"It's too late!" the Princess cried. 

They both ran out from under the archway and could see a huge, luminous figure floating upside-down in the sky. 

"Link!" the King yelled as he made his way over to them. "What's going on?!" 

"He's back," Link muttered under his breath, his eyes cast downward. 

"And it's all Link's fault! He didn't return the Master Sword to seal Ganon away!" Zelda screeched, punching Link in the arm. 

"Hey! Quit blaming it on me!" 

"Well it is your fault!" 

"SHUT UP!" Ganon screamed. The three stopped bickering and looked up. "THANK YOU! LINK, YOU SICK SAD PATHETIC LITTLE MAN, IT IS YOUR FAULT I'M BACK! YOU FORGOT TO RETURN THE MASTER SWORD! HOW STUPID ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE DORK?!" 

"Aw jeez, you know, I don't deserve this." Link growled. 

"Yes you do!" Zelda barked, punching him in the arm a second time. Being abusive was fun! 

"SILENCE!" Ganon commanded. "AFTER YOU KICKED MY ASS FOR THE EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME, I'VE COME BACK! WHAT A SHOCK! ...Gosh, I'm almost as pathetic as you, Link. I have no life...it's taken me countless times just to get this far--ANYWAY, THIS TIME I WILL BE TRIUMPHANT!" 

"Link, do something!" Zelda cried as she hid behind him. 

"What do you expect me to do, Zelda? Jump up fifty feet into the air and whack him? The last time I checked, I wasn't seven feet tall, black, and in the NBA--" 

"You've done it before, now do it again!" 

"You know, why am I always the one fighting? Can't I get a break?" 

"You're the Hero of Time, do something, you dumbass!" the Princess begged again, getting tired of Link's psychobabble. 

"I SAID SHUT UP!" the King of Evil cried. Link and Zelda stopped arguing. "NOW, WHILE LINK AND ZELDA WERE ABOUT TO PLAY SOME TONSIL HOCKEY, I STOLE...THE TRIFORCES!!" 

"Oh no, not again!" Zelda yelped, shoving her face in Link's back. 

He enjoyed that. 

"Wait! How could you have stolen the Triforce if it's being heavily guarded and protected by the gods?" Link questioned, now focusing on the intruder. 

"ERR...UHH...OKAY, I LIED! I DON'T HAVE THE TRIFORCE! BUT...I DO HAVE...MISS SNUFFLES!" 

Miss Snuffles was Princess Zelda's beloved Persian cat, who was now being held high above Ganon's head (he was ride-side up now.) The cat meowed. 

"Miss Snuffles!" Zelda shrieked in horror. 

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph..." Link growled under his breath. "This shit just has no end, does it?" 

"I'M HOLDING THE CAT CAPTIVE CUZ...I...I...I'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO!  BWA HA HA! COME AND RESCUE HER--IF YOU DARE! Link, you remember where my castle is, of course, how could you forget? Well, I hope to see you soon...BWA HA HA!" Ganon disappeared along with the gray sky and piggies...and Miss Snuffles. 

"Link! You have to-" Zelda pleaded before Link cut her off. 

"Oh no! I'm not going to put my ass on the line for a stupid cat!" 

"Link, you have to. Please?" 

"No! I've been reduced to saving felines? If it was you, fine. But a cat?!" Link was tired of playing the hero. All he wanted to do was sleep and perhaps get laid by Zelda, but naturally, he was a sucker. 

"Link, I would appreciate it if you saved my daughter's beloved pet. It would mean a lot to me," the King said. 

The Hero of Time frowned. ...Crap. Now I can't get out of this...he thought. 

"Yes, please Link?" questioned Zelda. 

He gazed at her and she looked as if she was about to cry. He hated seeing her sad. ....God, the things I do for love. I wish I could kick my own ass and snap myself out of it...but she's so hot... 

"Yes Zelda, I'll save your cat." 

"Thank you!" she cried as she wrapped her arms around him. 

Link just smiled and hugged her back. Hell, if he couldn't kiss her he wanted to hold her as close as possible. 

"Thank you, Link. I understand that it's just a cat, but it's...err...it's special. Just a...special cat." the King said, probably having no idea whether or not his sentence was even coherent. 

"Well I guess I better go prepare for another pointless adventure. I'll leave tomorrow morning." Link began to hold Zelda even tighter in his grasp. She didn't seem to mind, but squirmed a little at first. 

"Oh, and Zelda, my dear?" the King addressed his daughter in a very matter-of-fact manner. 

"Yes, Daddy?" 

"You will be accompanying Link on his journey tomorrow." 

"What?!" she screamed as she broke away from Link. The Hero's eyes lit up as he heard the news. "Why, Daddy?" 

"It is your cat, and Link has just come back from a long adventure. He must be tired. Some company will do him some good." 

"Yes, Zelda, your company will do me a whole lot of good." grinned Link as he put his arm around Zelda's waist. She angrily pushed it away. 

"But I'm a princess! I'm not supposed to be running around doing whatever the hell Link does on those adventures!" 

"Hey! I do lots of stuff!" Link snapped. 

"Like what?" 

"Umm...I pee in bushes! I eat wild berries! I hunt for my food! I live like a real man!" 

"But I'm not a man!" 

"Zelda, you wouldn't want to pee in a bush with me?" he joked. 

"No!" 

"Zelda, I think it would be a good idea if you went along. You have Link to protect you," her father butted in. 

"Yes Zelda, I'll protect you." Link took the Princess into his arms again. 

"Ohh, I don't want to..." she tried pleading with her father a second time. 

"Come on, we'll have fun!" Link assured as he gently began to sway back and forth with Zelda still in his arms. 

The Princess looked at her father, who had a stern look on his face. 

"Okay fine! I'll go..." she sighed. 

"Yay!" Link cheered as he gave Zelda a quick squeeze. "I should go get ready now, and pack away everything I had just unpacked. Poor Epona must be tired too, I'll get Aaron to give her some extra hay so she doesn't try to shit on me when I take her out in the morning." 

"Good idea, Link..." the King made a face then forced a smile. 

The three made their way back into the castle. Link went straight to his room to take a bath and relax his already aching muscles. He had no idea what the next day held in store for him and Zelda, but what he did know was that his feet frickin' hurt like a son of a bitch. 

So he was sitting in his wooden basin bath thingie, playing with the bubbles and relaxing. 

"I wish Zelda would accidentally walk in right now." he mumbled. 

Then, something small and shiny came flying out of Link's spare tunic, which was spread out on his bed. 

"Link!" it screamed. 

"Oh God, Navi, don't come out when I'm in my bathtub!" 

"Link! You left me in your other tunic! It reeks!" 

"Well, I did wear that one on my last journey to nowhere. It's got sweat and dirt all over it-" 

"So?! Now I smell! I'm getting in there with you!" she was just about to fly into the tub next to him when he began yelling. 

"Oh no you don't! The only other female I want in here is Zelda!" 

"Zelda! It's always Zelda Zelda Zelda! I hate that bitch! Don't you see that she's only using you? She'll have her fun with you then toss you aside. But me, I'd have so much fun with you..." 

"Spare me, Navi. You're only three inches high." Link rolled his eyes. He was sick and tired of his faerie guide hitting on him. There was something not quite right about it, and not to mention that it was totally fucking bizarre. 

She just ignored his comment and continued babbling. 

"Link, you are way too good for that bimbo. You've rescued her bony ass a zillion times already, and what has she given you? NOTHING! Only a simple 'thank you', better luck next time!'" 

"It doesn't matter, Navi." 

"For what you do for that girl, she should at least get on her royal knees in front of you and-" 

"Okay Navi, you've said enough! Quit making me more depressed." 

"Oh, my cute, handsome Link. You don't need her." As she said this, she took a seat on his shoulder. Link released a sigh. 

"Navi, I...I..." 

"Y-yes, Link?" she anxiously asked. 

"I love her." 

Now Link never told anyone before about how he truly felt about Zelda. Navi wasn't shocked. 

"I figured you did." she sadly said. 

"Navi, I was so close today! I almost kissed her, and our lips were less than a millimeter apart! I had to open up my huge mouth and ruin it! Sometimes I hate myself. I want her so bad sometimes, like I can almost taste her delicious lips. I'm kissing her all over...her...scantily...clad...body..." As he went on and on, Navi made gagging noises. "Kissing her body, while pulling down whatever little chemise she's wearing, hearing her moan 'Oh Link, yes, yes!' Then I grab her, we fall onto the bed, and finally I-" 

"WOAH! Calm down there, tiger! I think I was just about to regurgitate everything I've ever eaten. I don't think this bath is helping you at all!" the faerie screamed, waving her tiny arms up into the air. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was getting off topic." Link apologized. 

"No, you were getting too into the topic--literally! Link, I don't know how to break this to you, but your sick fantasy is never gonna happen! But, it can happen with me." 

"Navi, you're an overgrown fruit fly! I can't even believe I'm pouring my heart out to you! God, I really am a loser!" 

"Hey! You don't think I could show you a good time?" 

"Navi, you'd never be able to be with me, why can't you understand that?" 

"Why?" 

"Because I'm human, you're a...a...an insect!" 

"Oh yeah? I bet I could sexually satisfy you better than she could." 

"Navi, my manhood is over three inches bigger than your whole body!" 

The faerie blinked in amazement at Link's comment. 

"Woah, really?" 

"Look, it's pointless arguing with a flying roach." 

"Fine, Link! But if Zelda does love you back, then she'll come and bang on your door asking to apologize about this afternoon!" 

"Uh-huh, sure I wish-" 

Suddenly, there was a knock on Link's bedroom door. God really does have a sense of humor after all. Link looked at Navi and stuck out his tongue. 

"Link?" Zelda called from outside the door. 

"Yes, Zelda?" the Hero answered back. 

Navi got angry and quickly dived into the bath. 

"Hey, get back here you virus!" He was just about to grab her when Zelda barged in. 

"Link--oh! I'm so sorry!" she blushed and turned away. 

The Hero of Time grinned. ...Yes Princess, bask in my half-naked glory!... 

"It's perfectly fine, Zelda." he coaxed. 

"Dammit, Zelda, you interrupted us!" Navi barked, as she floated on her back in the water. 

The Princess made a face of disgust. She was just as fond of the faerie as the faerie was of her. 

"Stupid roach," Link growled between gritted teeth as he instantly shoved Navi underwater. 

"Link," Zelda began. 

"Zelda, you can turn around." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, the bubbles are still covering me." ...Damn bubbles!... 

She slowly turned around, but kept her eyes glued to the stone floor. 

"I'm sorry about calling you an asshole before." She spoke her words very timidly. Clearly she wasn't big on apologies. Her ego was just as overinflated as her empty skull. 

"Oh, it's alright. I screwed up. It's my fault Miss Snuffles has been...catnapped." He raised his eyebrows at the pun. He couldn't resist. 

"Yeah, well I'll talk to you later." She quickly walked out, shutting the door behind her. 

Link removed his hand from over Navi's head, allowing her to pop up. 

"Link!" she coughed. "You almost killed me!" 

"Yeah almost. You had to see her face, Navi! She turned red! She wants me badly. I'm going to go and talk to her some more!" In a flash he jumped out of the tub and threw on his new tunic thing. He was just about to run out the door when Navi stopped him. 

"Hey Link?" 

"What?" 

"Nice ass." 

"...Thanks." He then darted off. 

It was about 9:00 p.m., and the moon shone on the tower steps leading up to Zelda's bedroom. 

"...She waits for me!" Link cheered to himself as he skipped up the steps. Upon reaching the landing, he saw that her door was open ajar, so he peeked in. She was already in her nightgown, sitting on her bed, and combing her long blond hair. "Don't do anything dorkish." he said to himself. He hesitated at first, then finally knocked on the door. 

"Yes?" came the Princess' reply. 

"It's me, Zelda." 

"Oh, come in." 

He walked in and shut the door. 

"Hi," he stupidly said. 

"Hi..." she replied, carefully eyeing him over. ...Hmm...what does he want? He looks rather delicious, but then again, he always does. Except when he's dirty and smelly. Oh, but that's so kinky!... 

"Umm...you wanna talk?" 

"About what?" 

"Anything." 

"Well, okay." 

"Okay!" he sat down next to her on the bed. It was quite awkward. 

"I'm sorry about walking in on you like that before." she apologized, lowering her head. 

"That's perfectly fine." he smiled. 

"Navi's very annoying" Zelda continued. 

"Yeah, she is. I just call her the 'flying roach.'" 

Zelda giggled at his remark. Link moved a little closer to her. 

"Zelda?" 

"Yes?" she picked her head up. Their eyes locked in a stare. 

"You still owe me my kiss." Link's voice got nice and soft. 

"Yes, well no chance of that happening soon." she smiled. 

"Please, Princess?" 

"Nope, better luck next time." 

A moment of silence. They still stared deep into each other's eyes. The sexual tension was going off the scale. Link moved his face closer to hers, but Zelda got scared and quickly stood up. She walked over to her balcony, leaving him behind in bewilderment. 

"What a lovely night." she absently said. 

"Yes...lovely." he mumbled. 

He got up and joined her on the balcony. 

"What time are we leaving tomorrow?" she asked. 

"Bright and early!" Link exclaimed with a smile. 

"Oh, how much stuff should I bring?" 

"Just the clothes on your back and some food. We're gonna be living like homeless people for the next week or so!" 

"Sounds exciting. I just want Miss Snuffles back." 

"You'll have your precious kitty back soon, in three shakes of a lamb's tail!" 

Zelda weirdly stared at Link for that comment. It was quite queer. 

"Err, nevermind I even said that. Hey, look!" Link pointed to a fat guy sitting underneath the balcony. 

"Who is that?" Zelda asked, startled. 

"I dunno, but he'll go away soon." 

"Link, what are you going to do?" 

The Hero began to make funny noises in his throat and nose. 

"Link?" Zelda cried, having no idea what he was up to. 

In all his glory, Link spit out a huge loogie and it landed squarely on the fat guy's head. 

"Eww!" Zelda screamed, revolted. "Why are you men so gross at times?" 

The guy turned around and looked up. 

"Zelda!" He cried, shocked. It was her father. 

"Crap!" Link immediately ducked behind the balcony's stone ledge. 

"Oh, hi Daddy." 

"Zelda! That was very unlady-like!" 

"I'm sorry...err...I have a bit of a cold and-" she began to make the same noises Link had previously done before releasing the glob of phlegm. 

"Princess, don't do things like that! Only gross and vile men do!" 

Zelda heard Link giggle at the King's remark. 

"Sorry, Daddy. It'll never happen again." 

"It better not! Now you should be preparing for your journey tomorrow. Link doesn't need an unprepared Princess to bog him down!" 

Link gazed up at Zelda, who was looking down at her father. She looked so pretty...so vulnerable. ...Don't think like that, Link!...he told himself. 

"Goodnight, sweetheart. And I hope your cold gets better." the King told his daughter, his voice still stern. 

"'Night, Daddy." 

The King waddled away into some dark corner somewhere. 

Angry, Zelda looked down at Link, who was sitting there was a huge grin on his face. 

"You idiot! You got me in trouble!" she growled. 

"Well, excuse me, Princess!" 

"Get out of here! Go back to your room, and that's an order!" 

"Oh, you're ordering me around now? You know I'll do anything you'd order me to do." he stood up and gently wrapped his arms around her waist. He could feel her slender body through the silk nightgown. 

"Get your horny ass out of here!" she hissed, pushing him away. 

"Is that an order?" 

"Yes!" 

"Fine, I must obey my Princess. See ya in the morning." Link kept his cool as he walked out of Zelda's room, but as soon as he began walking down the stairs, he flipped out. "Oh God, Oh God, I'm gonna burst if I don't-" 

He raced to his room and slammed the door shut. Horny as all hell, he began to undo his pants, when he saw Navi sitting on the bathtub's rim. 

"Link, what are you doing?" she questioned. 

"Get out of here! I have...unfinished business to attend to!" He exclaimed, almost at a loss for words. 

"What? Huh?" 

"Navi, I'm gonna burst if I don't do this! Leave!" 

"If you don't do what?" 

"Jesus Christ--get out!!" 

"Are you thinking about Zelda again?" 

"Yes!" 

"I knew it! Oh well, fine! I'll leave you alone then." she flew out through the keyhole in the door. 

"Jesus, I can't even be alone any--ooh yeah...that's it...nice Zelda..." 

For the remainder of the night, Link was as happy as a clam! 

Hi there! I posted this on Fanfiction.net because I'm curious to hear people's reactions. It's written in a very different style than my other entry under the Super Mario section, Kamek Tirro's Diaries. Parody writing is where my heart is, and I tend to come up with some sick stuff. Warning: I'm not politically correct at all, and I'll make fun of everyone and everything. Reviews would be sweet. :) 


	2. Mr Lefty & the Blonde Bimbo Disembark

. 

Chapter Two: Mr. Lefty and the Blonde Bimbo Disembark

The next morning, Princess Zelda awoke bright and early. She bathed and dressed, then decided to wait for Link. She waited....and waited....and waited. 

"Where the hell is he?" she thought, perturbed. One of the things she hated the most was tardiness, and Link's lateness was tying her panties all up in a knot. Impatient, she went to his room and knocked on the door. No answer. She knocked again and called out, "Link?" Still no answer. "Goddamit," she growled, opening the bedroom door without even waiting for his reply. 

The sight she saw was quite funny. Link was asleep on his back, his hair was all messed up, and his pants were undone, but his tunic covered any hint of naughtiness. 

"Link?" she beckoned again. "Come on, wake the hell up..." 

At her words, he slowly opened up his eyes. 

"Oh, hello Zelda..." 

"What happened to you?" the Princess asked. His appearance certainly warranted any unusual behavior he had been engaging in the previous night. Tee-hee. 

"...Nothing." he simply stated, now resting on his side. 

"You look like you've been to hell and back." 

"Actually, I've been to heaven and back..." 

"Oh, okay well, I'll go outside and wait for you." 

"Sure," 

Zelda walked out and waited, once again, outside the castle. 

Navi entered the room and sat on Link's headboard. 

"So, how are you feeling now?" she grumbled. Her tiny legs swung back and forth as she kept her eyes on the Hero. ...Did he get hit by a truck or something? Goddam, he looks horrible!... 

"Wonderful...very, very wonderful." Link blissfully smiled like an idiot. 

"I hope you know that you gotta meet Zelda A.S.A.P.! Forgot about your journey?" 

"Oh, shit!" Link shot up and fixed his pants. 

"Can I come along?" asked Navi in a sickingly sweet tone of voice. 

"No! It gives me time alone with Zelda," Link scolded, grabbing the Master Sword and putting it into its holster thingie. 

"Why Link? You actually think you're gonna score?" Navi mockingly said, rolling her brown eyes. 

"...Maybe." 

"Link! What crack have you been snorting? She hasn't even kissed you yet!" the faerie laughed. 

"So? I know she wants me," Link boasted. "I can see it in those beautiful blue eyes of hers." He dreamily smiled, and grabbed a few apples from his fruitbowl on the table. 

"Heh, don't flatter yourself, Hero." Navi quipped. 

"Well Navi, I'm off! I'll see you soon, when I return with Miss Snuffles and Zelda as my girlfriend. You have my word on that!" With those famous last words, Link bolted out the door, down the stairs, and made his way outside to where Zelda was waiting with her father. What he didn't notice was Navi cleverly sneaking into his sword's holster as he ran down the staircase. 

"It's about time you showed up!" Zelda snapped, twirling a lock of her hair around her dainty index finger. 

"I'm sorry, Zelda. I had a long night." Link apologized. The Princess didn't catch the hint of wryness in his voice. Then again, she didn't catch much except for the common cold, and even that was a longshot. 

"Well, I'm glad to see you both off!" the King beamed, placing his hand on Link's shoulder. 

"Thanks, your Highness! Zelda and I are gonna have a great time," smiled Link as he put some supplies onto Epona's saddle. The horse whinnied. 

"Wait Link," Zelda questioned. "If you're riding Epona...who and I gonna ride?" She pointed to the horse. 

....Heh-heh....you're gonna ride me, Zelda.... Link crudely thought. 

"Yes, Moonbeam's not around anymore." the King sighed. 

You see, Moonbeam was Zelda's white mare, until one day it went insane and rammed its head into a tree over and over until it beat itself into submission. Hell, if you lived in that castle with those morons you'd probably do the same. I know I would. 

Link shook his head, remembering the incident. 

"Sad..." he muttered. 

"My poor Moonbeam..." Zelda said under her breath. 

Link decided he had to break the dreary mood. 

"Well Zelda, you can ride on Epona with me until I can get you a new horse." 

"Yes, Zelda! That's a great idea!" the King exclaimed. 

"Well..." she thought. 

"It's either that or one of us walks--and it's not gonna be me! I'm pretty weak in the knees after last night!" Link scolded, mounting the horse. 

"Weak in the knees? From what?" the portly King asked, puzzled. He turned his head in the Hero's direction and raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh nothing--anyway, are you gonna get on or not?" Link questioned to Zelda. Generously he held out his hand so she could get on. 

"Fine!" she shouted, taking Link's hand. She mounted up behind him with a defeated look on her royal face. 

"Take care! Both of you!" the King warned. 

"We'll be fine!" smiled Link. 

"I want you both back safe and sound. If something happened to the both of you, then who'd rule my kingdom as King and Queen?" happily grinned the King. 

Zelda rolled her eyes. Link just got an ego rush. He knew the King wanted him to marry Zelda one day. ...Besides, I'd make one hell of a king... Link proudly thought. For someone who was pretty dim, he did a lot of thinking. 

"No go before something bad happens to Miss Snuffles!" exclaimed the King, patting Epona. 

"Okay, we're off!" Link shouted. He then paused and turned his head to the side to address the Princess, "Zelda, you got to hold on to me tightly. If Epona rears up, you can go flying off." She sighed, and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

"Farewell!" the King called. 

"Laterz!" Link and Zelda cried as they galloped off. 

"Ow! Link, this saddle's hurting my royal behind!" Zelda yelled. 

"You just have to get used to it, that's all." 

"Oh." 

So they galloped for about ten minutes, then Link slowed Epona down to a walking pace. They were by Zora's River. The area was peaceful and very beautiful. Zelda started to yawn. 

"Link, I'm sleepy." 

"Me too." 

She observed Link's sword and shield strapped onto his back. 

"Link?" 

"Yes, Princess?" 

"Take off your armor." 

He found the request funny. 

"Umm...why?" 

"Because, just do it!" 

"Well okay, anything for you." He slid his weapons off and secured them safely to Epona's saddle. "Happy now, Princess?" 

All Zelda did was rest her head down on his back and close her eyes. Her grip around his waist got tighter. Link's mind began to race. ...Woah, this is very nice... he thought happily to himself. To return the gesture, he carefully placed his free hand on top of hers. ...Alright Hero, you've reached first base!... 

It was quite a romantic sight, actually. The hot mild morning sun glistened down into the river, making it shimmer. The babbling of the stream was lulling Zelda off to sleep. Two thoughts jumped back and forth in Link's brain, ...Yay! Yay! Yay!... and ...Shampoo. Lather. Rinse. Repeat... The Princess' grip got tighter as she pressed her face harder onto his back. ...You're the man, Link!... he triumphantly beamed. 

So the morning went by pretty uneventfully. They wandered around a little. Link figured it would be a good idea to stop in a nearby town for the night. He was really tired...whacking off really tires you out--ANYWAY, Link was off in La La Land, thinking about a future for him and Zelda. He didn't even notice that his and Zelda's fingers were twined together. Suddenly, in her deep sleep, Zelda's free hand began to wander. First it went down his waist, then moved to his inner thigh...up his inner thigh...then rested squarely between his legs. This brought him back to reality. ...Oh my God, am I dreaming? This is too good to be true, but I can't do this to her... Gently, without waking her, he took her hand and placed it back onto his waist. But, only mere seconds later, it went back to his crotch. ...Oh jeez, why is she tempting me like this?... Again, he took her hand away. Just then, Epona stopped dead in her tracks and whinnied. It woke Zelda up. 

"What's the matter?" she groggily asked, slowly lifting her head up. 

"I dunno..." Link nervously answered, looking around the empty field. 

"Link, look!" cried Zelda, pointing to a rock sticking out of the water. On it, sat Miss Snuffles. The feline meowed with fright when she saw her mistress. "I have to get her!" she quickly got off Epona and began to run toward the cat. 

"Zelda, stop! It's probably a trap!" Link called out after her. 

"I don't care! It's my pretty kitty!" 

Just as Zelda was about to dive into the water, Ganon appeared, followed by a horde of pink piggies. The King of Evil floated horizontally above the cat. Link swore he heard a kazoo in the background as Ganon made his grand entrance. 

"WELL WELL WELL! LOOK WHO IT IS! IT'S THE KEEBLER ELVES!" mocked Ganon. 

"Hey, don't make fun of our ears, you...you...pig!" Zelda snapped. 

"OH, VERY ORIGINAL, YOU IDIOT!" 

"Don't you dare call her names!" Link interjected. He jumped off Epona, drew the Master Sword and readied his shield. 

"WELL LOOK, IF IT ISN'T MR. JACKMEOFF!" 

Link stopped dead in his tracks. Zelda turned and looked at him. 

"Hey...that was low, what I do in my spare time-" Link began, but the King of Evil promptly cut him off. 

"SHUT UP! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR PETTY EXCUSES! THE GOLDEN GIRLS IS ON IN FIVE MINUTES! I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU THAT...THAT...ERR..." 

"That what?" questioned Link as he walked over to the Princess. 

"THAT...I HAVE NO IDEA! ONCE AGAIN I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO! ...OH! I MUST GO, I HAVE A CHOCOLATE CHIP FUDGE CAKE IN THE OVEN! I'LL SEE THE BLOND BIMBO AND MR. LEFTY AT MY CASTLE! COME, MISS SNUFFLES!" With that, Ganon, the piggies, and Miss Snuffles vanished in a cloud of neon blue smoke. 

"I'm gonna fry his bacon for calling me 'Mr. Lefty'!" Link growled, putting his sword in its holster. 

"Oh, Miss Snuffles! Link, come on! We gotta go save her!" Zelda grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to Epona. 

"Wait, Princess! Ganon's castle is far from here. It's not like we're gonna make it there in fifteen minutes on horseback!" 

"Well, we can't waste anymore time! ...Actually, I'm kinda hungry." 

"I brought apples if-" 

"I don't want apples, I want real food." 

"Would you like to stop at a town for the night, Zelda?" 

"Yes, I'd like that very much." 

"Ruto town isn't far from here." 

"Good, let's go!" 

So Link, being a sucker for love, obeyed her every whim. As he helped her mount Epona, he began to mumble under his breath. 

"Look who switched back into bitch mode." 

"What?!" yelled Zelda. 

"I said I think we're going down the wrong road." he lied, back in his full voice. 

"Oh, okay." Apparently Zelda needed a q-tip to clean out her ears, and maybe stab her brain. 

They trotted on. Zelda began thinking. ...I've been so nasty to Link lately, and he's always been so sweet...even though he is a moron. I want to tell him that--no, I can't tell him that now...ouch! I'm getting a headache. Blonds shouldn't think a lot... Once again she rested her head on his back and squeezed him tighter. 

"Link?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm sorry about my attitude before. I treated you like some stupid idiot." 

"It's okay," he muttered. 

Zelda felt horrible. He was obviously pissed hat her. ...Crap, how can I make this up to him? I know!--OUCH! I gotta stop!... 

"Link?" 

"What?" 

"Would you like to do something special tonight?" 

"Like what?" 

"I dunno, you pick." 

"I don't care..." 

...Goddamit! He's still pissed! What does he expect me to do? Get down on my knees and suck his--OUCH! I'm going to stop now... 

Now it's Link's turn to think. 

...Why am I such a gullible dork? Why can't Zelda see my love for her? How damn obvious could I get without flat out saying it? Oh...she's squeezing me tighter now...I know that you want me, why can't you just admit to it? It would save us a whole lot of trouble...this game of hard-to-get used to turn me on, but now it turns me off. I'm sick of this shit. I want some of her--and I want it now! I've waited long enough--ohh, tighter she holds me...OUCH! Damn blond hair... 

Soon they made it to Ruto town. It was mid-afternoon as they rode into the mini-city. Zelda picked her head up. 

"Where would you like to stay, Princess?" Link asked. 

"I don't mind," she nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders. "You pick." 

"Sure, I stayed at the Blow My Shanks Inn last time. It's nice there." 

"Then let's go." 

"They've even got valet parking!" Link rode up to a young man standing in front of the inn. "Hello my good man. Please take Epona and put her into the stables with the other horses." He said in his "hero" voice. The guy gave him a weird look. 

"Who the hell do you think I am?" he retorted. 

"Aren't you the valet parking guy?" 

"No! I'm the milkman! The valet parking guy's over there." He pointed to an old blind man sitting on a milk crate begging for change. 

"Oh, well I'll just park Epona myself. You go inside, Princess. I'll meet you there." 

"I'm starved!" she exclaimed. The milkman gently took her hand and pressed his lips against it. 

"Your Highness..." he grinned. 

"Tee-hee, thank you. Can you get us something to eat?" 

"But of course." he helped her off the horse and they went inside. 

Link rolled his eyes and exhaled a sigh. He then trotted off towards the Inn's stables. 

Zelda walked into the "lobby", which was basically a tiny room with a guy smoking something at the front desk. The milkman smiled at her and winked. 

"What?" she asked. "I don't get it." 

Just then, Link walked in. 

"Sir," he said in his "hero" voice as he strode over to the man at the desk. "I'd like a room for the night." 

"Two rooms!" Zelda butted in. 

"Aw, don't be picky, Princess-" 

"Two!!" she yelled a second time. 

"Okay, two." 

The guy at the desk just gave him a funny look and two keys. As they walked to their rooms, Link began to babble. 

"See, Zelda? If you're tough with those guys, they don't give you any trouble." 

"Shut up, you dork!" she replied. She opened the door to her room and slammed it right in Link's face. 

"Excuse me, Princess," he mumbled to the door. He dragged himself a few feet down the hall and entered his own room. "My God! It's like a closet!" And it was, compared to his room in the castle. There was just a little cot and a snack table. He shrugged and plopped down on the bed. He layed on his back with his arms crossed, staring off into space, killing valuable brain cells in the process. 

Meanwhile, Zelda was looking for some water to wash her face and hands with in her equally tiny room. She looked under the table. No water bowl. 

"Shit! Don't they drink around here? Don't they wash?" She looked under the bed...and screamed. "AAHH!!" Staring right back at her was a big, black bug. She bolted out the door and ran to Link's room. Still screaming, she began banging on the thick oak door with both fists. "Link!!" 

"Oh Jesus Christ...what? Come in, the door's open." he replied. 

She ran in, leaving the door wide open. 

"Oh, Link! There's a big, fat, hairy, black bug in my room. Kill it!" 

"Zelda, I'm tired. Do it yourself." 

"No! I'm a princess. You do it, you're a guy! Killing icky insects is a guy thing!" 

"But I don't feel like moving!" he snapped. 

Zelda was startled. ...Oh my, he snapped at me. He's never done that before. Ouch! Dammit! Quit thinking so much!... "Okay fine then. I'm not going back in there. I'll just...stay here." 

Link raised his eyebrows as she sat on the snack table. 

"So I'll plant my bottom right--AAHH!!!" Zelda screamed as the table broke beneath her weight. Her backside slammed into the hard stone floor. Link bursted out laughing. "It's not funny!" He ignored her cry and continued laughing his arse off. "Help me up!!" She screeched. Finally he stood up over her. "Link, come on!" 

"Oh fine, here I'll help you." he mockingly said, holding out his hand. Zelda smirked, then grabbed his hand and pulled him down with all her might, causing him to land right on top of her. Neither of them seemed to mind. "Oh, so that's how you want to play!" Link exclaimed with a huge smile. She just grinned back at him with one of those seductive glances which causes a man's heart to go aflutter. He returned the gesture, and suddenly began to tickle her everywhere. "Well, if that's the way you want it," he giggled, tickling her sides. She squealed and laughed wildly, making a bad attempt at trying to push him off. The Hero of Time was definitely back in a good mood. 

"Link!" Zelda cried, taking him into her arms. She pulled his face down closer to hers. Link stopped poking and prodding her and stared deeply into her blue eyes. Zelda kept her gaze directly locked on his features while trying to catch her breath. Without thinking, Link moved his face closer to hers. She moved closer to his. Their faces got closer and closer, and so did their lips...closer and closer they got. Zelda didn't even notice that she had her legs wrapped around his waist. 

...Nothing's going to screw this up!... Link thought. 

Eventually their lips got so close that they could just brush them against each other. 

"Hey!" a voice cried out of nowhere. "Save that for when the lights go out!" 

The couple's heads shot up instantly. Zelda felt her face turn red and was utterly embarrassed. Link was now extremely pissed off. 

"Err...this isn't what it looks like," the Princess stuttered, pushing Link away. He just put on an innocent face. 

"Yeah sure, all of Hyrule knows you're a hot item. The hero runs away with the princess. How disgustingly romantic. Well I came to inform you that dinner's ready." 

Link then recognized the intruder. It was the asshole milkman from before who had put moves on his woman! ...Goddam you, milkman, damn you straight to hell... 

Zelda quickly stood up. 

"I must get ready for dinner," she stammered, exiting the room. 

Link growled to himself, ...That milkman just made my Shit-List...I was so close... He stood up and brushed off his clothes. 

After getting ready (whatever the hell that required), both went to the dining hall. The place was very crowded, and smokey air and dim lighting loomed over the whole joint. 

"I don't like this place very much," Zelda said to Link. 

"What?" he shouted. "I can't hear you with all the noise!" 

"I said I don't like it here very much!" 

"Huh? You want to know if they serve brunch?" 

"No! I want to tell you that I don't-" 

"Link, long time no see!" a deep, loud voice called out among the chitter chatter of the room. A big, burley man interrupted the two as he walked over to them. 

"Hey Jacques! What have you been up to?" Link greeted as he shook the man's hand. 

"Nothing really. Just hanging out with some friends. Care to join us?" he asked, pointing over to a table of drunkards. 

"Well, I'd love to, but-" 

"Woah, Princess Zelda! I didn't see you there! Always hiding behind your man, huh?" Jacques grinned, eyeing the Princess up and down as if she was a piece of meat. 

Zelda made a face at the jerk's comment. Clearly, she was not to be ogled at by some intoxicated commoner! That was Link's job. The Hero turned around to face her. 

"Come on, Zelda. Let's go sit with them!" Link urged, taking her hand. 

"Well...alright." she muttered. She knew she had to make it up to him about before, so this was a good way to. ...Good, get Link nice and drunk so he'll lay comatose for the night and leave me alone. But I really don't want him to leave me alone. Ouch, my brain!... 

"Zelda! Quit daydreaming. Come on!" Link's voice broke her train of thought. 

"Oh, okay," she dreamily answered. 

So they went and sat with the drunkards at a table in the corner of the dining hall. Poor Zelda was the only female at the table and had absolutely nothing in common with the men. Link told battle stories while getting blitzed off cheap beer. The Princess was squished between Link and a fat smelly sailor named Skippy. Across from her sat Jacques, and his two associates Keenan and Kel. Jacques breath stunk so bad that Zelda could smell it from across the table. And as for Skippy...let's just say that Skippy probably hadn't even touched water since God knew when. Link wasn't any better. Even though he didn't reek, he was being just as loud and arrogant as the rest. Jacques had the most horrible laugh too. It was loud, way too loud, like some insane dude guffawing at the local Forest Hills Sizzler (err...private joke) every time he'd say or hear something funny. He'd also accent his laugh by slamming his huge fists against the weak wooden table, causing the beer glasses and Zelda's Diet Coke bottle to rattle. 

Zelda pressed herself against Link, but he was so drunk that he didn't even notice. Jacques was telling a long story about some crap. She wasn't paying any attention, and was too busy staring at Link. He was laughing along to Jacques' story. The top of his shirt was undone and he had worked up a sweat. 

...Ohh, he looks mighty fine... Zelda pondered. She began to argue with herself. ...He looks so hot, all drunk and sweaty. He's got such a nice smile--Zelda! What are you thinking? It's Link, the Dork of Time! Hello? Anyone home? But he looks so damn good! Are you crazy? No Zelda, don't think impure thoughts. ...Yes, impure thoughts about him--OWW! Silly blonde!... 

Jacques once again slammed his fist on the table, rattling the glasses and startling Zelda. Link began to brag about his recent adventure into Death Mountain. 

"So after I kicked some more ass, I ran into this ugly son of a bitch who I also kicked the living crap out of," His speech was so slurred that Zelda thought for a moment that Link had gone temporarily retarded. He paused to gulp down more cheap beer. Zelda rolled her eyes and shook her head. 

"Tell us about the time you kicked Ganon's piggy butt!" Skippy interrupted. 

Link just laughed, "Which time?" 

Jacques one again bursted out into his insane, and extremely irritating, laugh. Zelda had to get the fuck out of there. 

"Link," she gently said, pulling on his sleeve. He didn't notice her and kept bragging. "Link!" He still didn't see. Kel noticed though. 

"Hey Link, your bitch wants you." 

The Princess looked up and stared at the insolent fool. She was greatly angered and didn't like being pushed aside. She was always Link's center of attention, not the dirty glass of Coors he was holding! 

"Excuse me? How dare you address I, the Princess of Hyrule, as 'bitch'!" 

"Now Kel, that wasn't nice," Link said, wrapping his arm around Zelda. 

"You're such a spoiled brat!" Kel barked. "What have you done for Hyrule? 

"My family has done plenty!" she snapped back. 

"Hey Kel, Zelda's a great princess," Link interjected. The others nodded their heads. 

"Oh please, Link! What has she done for you beside give you numerous hard ons and wet dreams?" 

"Woah!" the Hero exclaimed, sitting up. "Let's not get into my pitiful personal life here!" 

"Link, I want to leave." Zelda cried, pulling on his sleeve a second time. 

"Wow Link, your woman wants it pretty badly!" Skippy teased with a grin across his lips. 

"Yeah, Link! She wants you to lay your 'Master Sword' to rest. Ha! Ha!" Jacques butted in with his horrible laugh. 

"That's it!" Zelda pushed passed Link and stormed off into the dining hall. 

"Aw shit, guys! Look what you did!" Link stood up and ran after the Princess. 

"They both want it bad!" Keenan joked, slapping Kel on the shoulder. 

"Those two are pitiful. Why don't they just screw already?" Jacques growled. He took one long gulp from his beer glass, then slammed it down onto the table. "She's got his balls on a leash, that's for sure!" 

"He deserves some lovin'! That boy's put his ass on the line for her a million times!" 

"I swear if I don't hear screaming coming from their room in the middle of the night, I'm gonna go in there and kick both of their pansy asses!" 

Meanwhile, Link finally caught up with Zelda outside his door. 

"Zelda," he ran up to her and held her by the arms. "I'm so sorry!" 

"You have a bunch of winners for friends," she growled, opening the door. He followed her in. 

"You know I don't tolerate anyone talking to you like that! I'm so sorry, Zelda." He was just about to take her into his arms when he felt a bad pain in his stomach. It wasn't the shits this time, either. 

"Link, what's wrong?" she nervously asked. His eyes began to bulge, frightening the Princess. 

"Oh no! I'm gonna-" he cried, suddenly pushing her away. In all his divine glory, he began to barf his brains out onto the stone floor. See kids, don't drink cheap beer. Go after the harder stuff instead. 

"Eeeww!!! You're just as bad as your friends!" Zelda yelled, backing away. 

"Zelda, I need-" he barfed some more, then continued. "...your help!" Spew! 

"Gross! That's why I don't drink. A hangover is never a good thing." 

"Zelda!" More puke. God, that must've been some nasty shit he was drinking. 

"My father told me that ladies never drink. It's very improper." Zelda babbled on. 

"Dammit, Zelda!" Barfies! "I...need...water!" 

"Well gee, maybe if you didn't drink you wouldn't be in this situation, now would you?" 

"Zelda!" 

"It's beginning to smell in here..." 

To make matters worse, the faerie from Hell, Navi, appeared out of the blue. 

"Jeez Zelda, help him, you stupid brat!" she screeched, taking a seat on Link's shoulder. "It'll be all right soon, my love." she whispered into his ear. 

"Fine, I'll go get the hero some water." snarled Zelda as she left the room, her skivvies all up in a knot. 

"That ugly bitch! How dare she not help you. Zelda's a goddam psychobitch who needs to get off her goddam cross-" Link unexpectedly lurched foward to barf some more, sending Navi flying right into the pile of vomit on the floor. "Link! Is this the thanks I get?" she yelled, standing up in the puke pile. 

Zelda finally returned. 

"Here you go," she gently lifted a goblet up to his lips. 

"Thanks," Link managed to say between sips. Navi got upset at the sight. She quickly wiped off the puke and few into the hallway. 

"Damn roach," Zelda mumbled. She then helped Link stagger to the bed and lie down. She knew he had to sleep off the hangover, so she left the room and sat on the balcony of the Blow My Shanks Inn. It wasn't very crowded except for two kids playing "kick-the-can", a game where you basically kick a can around. It's a shitload of fun if you're eight years old. The Princess took a seat and rested her head on the table in front of her. 

...Why can't I stop thinking about him? Even when he was puking he still looked gorgeous... 

Suddenly a high pitched scream rang into her ear. It could only be Navi. 

"There you are!" 

Zelda picked her head up and snarled, "Oh God, where's my bugspray?" 

"Please, Zelda. You know it, I know it. You can stop your 'hard-to-get' act with Link. He wants me now." 

"Oh yeah? I couldn't care less, Navi. You can have him." Zelda didn't dare let her true feelings be known. 

"Don't say that! You're lying your royal ass off!" Navi stood up on the table and stared up at Zelda. 

"Lying?" 

"You want Link! You want him so bad that you can't stop thinking about him." 

"No I don't." 

"Yes you do!" 

"No I don't!" 

The commotion from the girls caused the two little kids to stop playing their game of "kick-the-can" and stare at Zelda. Navi was so small, and they couldn't see her, so it gave a very bad impression. 

"Why is the Princess talking to herself?" one kid asked his friend. 

"She's finally gone insane," the other answered. Navi continued to argue with Zelda. 

"Face it, you're just jealous because he doesn't want you anymore. He wants me!" 

"Navi, I don't care! He can have anyone he wants. Even if it is a little obnoxious roach." 

"Stop lying! It's eating you up inside because you want him so damn bad, but your pride is so overinflated that you just can't admit to it. Link's mine now!" 

"NAVI!" Zelda screamed, waving her hands in the air. "Just shut up! You're giving me a headache," 

"No, I won't! You're half the woman I am." 

"Half your size?! You're half my size, literally. Link wouldn't want a bug-" 

"I think a bug is better than a stuck up witch!" 

Zelda stood up at Navi's last insult. 

"That's it! I don't believe I'm even fighting with you. This is a total waste of my time. Who even told you to come along anyway? Link certainly didn't!" she barked. 

"Do what you like, Zelda. Go chicken out, like your normally do. I'm gonna go see how Link's doing." Navi scolded, flying up to the blonde's face. "Good-bye!" With that, the faerie buzzed off. 

Zelda held back all her anger and turned to see the two kids staring at her. 

"What do you want?!" she screamed, again waving her arms to and fro, looking every bit like a blown out madwoman. The children got scared, turned, screamed, and ran away. "I have to go take a walk..." she told herself. 

So she left the balcony and began to take a walk in the nearby forest not too far away from the Blow My Shanks Inn. Along the way she muttered, having a one-way conversation with her bratty self. 

"Navi's right. I want Link badly, but I can't seem to let the asshole know it. I just want to take him into my arms and-" 

"AAHH HA! HA! KISS HIM?!" a voice suddenly screamed. Zelda whirled around to see Ganon floating diagonally in the air, with two pink piggies at his side. 

"Christ, don't you have anything else better to do?" she whined, folding her arms. 

"...NO!!" 

"I figured..." 

Ganon made a face, unaware as to why she wasn't cowering in fear and screaming for Link to save her. 

"YOU'RE NOT SCARED OF ME? GANON! THE KING OF EVIL! THE PRINCE OF THIEVES! THE EVIL INCARNATION OF DARKNESS! THE-" 

"I get the point! And no, I'm not scared." 

"OH, WELL FINE BE THAT WAY." 

"Fine, I will." 

A long silence ensued. Zelda turned her back on him and continued to sulk. Ganon began to twittle his thumbs. 

"ERR...I STILL HAVE YOUR CAT-" 

"I know." 

"AWW, COME ON! IT'S NOT FUN TRYING TO TORTURE YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT TREMBLING WITH FEAR!" 

"Too bad," 

"...ZELDA, WHAT'S WRONG?" 

"Nothing. Nothing at all." 

"WHERE'S MR. JACKMEOFF? I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THAT SILLY BOY GOT HIS SWORD STUCK UP HIS OWN ASS!" 

"Don't talk about Link like that!" Zelda cried, as she angrily whirled around to face Mr. Piggy. 

Ganon smiled wickedly. 

"OH! I SEE YOU DEVELOPED A SOFT SPOT FOR THE IDIOT! WOULDN'T SHOCK ME SINCE YOU'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX EITHER! YOU GUYS WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER," 

"I don't care about your opinion anyway. You think you're Ann Landers or something?" 

"DON'T TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME, YOU WEIRDO! YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT MR. LEFTY ANYWAY. HE'S NOT HERE WAVING HIS SWORD AROUND ACTING LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE'S DOING. THAT SICK SAD EXCUSE OF A MAN!" 

"Why do you keep referring to him as 'Mr. Lefty' and 'Mr. Jackmeoff'?" 

"...AS I SAID, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX! WELL, I MUST GO, I HAVE A HAIR APPOINTMENT IN A HALF HOUR. YOU TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND THAT I'LL KICK HIS LILLY ASS LATER, THAT FREAK CLAD IN GREEN THAT HE IS!" 

"He's not my boyfriend!!!" Zelda screeched. 

"NO, BUT YOU WISH HE WAS... OH, AND MISS SNUFFLES SENDS HER UNDYING LOVE. WELL, I'M OFF! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!" He snapped his fingers to disappear, but nothing happened. "HA HA HA HA HA--W-WHAT HAPPENED?" He tried again, but still nothing. "HA HA! DAMN WHAT'S WRONG?" Again he attempted to make a dashing exit. "HA HA! WHY IS THIS NOT-" 

POOF! He was gone. Zelda stared at the puff of green smoke he left behind and shook her head. 

"Hmm, he's a weird character. I like crayons though, I don't know why he kept telling me I 'wasn't the brightest one in the box'. I wish I had a coloring book. Eh, let me go check on that bastard." 

She exited the forest and made her way back to the Blow My Shanks Inn. 


	3. The Pint Sized Hero of Time

CHAPTER THREE: THE PINT-SIZED HERO OF TIME: A FLASHBACK

Meanwhile, back in the smelly hotel room, Navi was chewing Link's ear off regarding Princess Zelda. He was trying to rest, but the faerie just wouldn't shut the hell up. All he wanted to do was sleep, or perhaps make sweet love to his princess...or maybe even both, but not at the same time, of course. First comes the mating, then the sleeping...hmm...actually, he could sleep first, wake up, then roll over and--eh, forget it. 

"Can you believe that girl?" Navi exclaimed. "She just walked out on you!" 

Link was lying down, with the pixie seated on his stomach. 

"It's okay, Navi," 

"No it's not! She treats you like trash and you treat her like she is some sort of goddess or some shit like that. I see something seriously wrong with this picture!" 

"I don't mind at all." he said, trying to close his eyes and block out the ranting Navi. 

"You are such a dork! Don't you realize she's only using you?" she prattled on and continued to annoy him. "Sure, you're only the Hero of Time, but she doesn't seem to acknowledge that fact, the ignorant elf!" 

"Zelda's not ignorant!" Link snapped. ...Aww, that's it. This little psycho has insulted my woman!... 

"No, but she's an elf! Tee-hee!" 

"Don't talk that way about the woman I love!" His voice no longer hid his angry feelings towards the three inch tall infection seated on his tummy. "You better step, Navi!" 

"Well gee, I'm so sorry to have offended you. You must be still drunk to say you love her..." 

"Navi! Get out of here!" 

"Why? You need me for company," 

"I need you for company like I need a hemorrhoid for my ass! You're only making matters worse and are slowly and painfully pushing me closer and closer to suicide! The way you speak of me makes me sound like I'm really more pathetic than I think I am." Link grumbled those last few words and rested his hand over his eyes. 

Navi frowned. She flew up to his nose and placed a kiss on it. 

"What was that for?" he asked, puzzled. 

"Oh, nothing. I just felt like it." 

Link decided he had dealt with enough balderdash for that evening. Angrily, he whacked her away with his hand, sending her flying halfway across the room. She landed on the stone ground with a small thud. 

"What was that for?!" she yelled, getting to her feet. 

"Oh, nothing. Just felt like it." smirked Link as he turned to his side. 

"Oohh! Sometimes you just make me piping mad, Link!" 

"There's not enough alcohol in all of Hyrule to deal with you, Navi. Go away before I barf on you again." 

"Hmp!" Navi squeaked. "I know where I'm not wanted, I'll just leave you to your demented fantasies, you dork!" With that, she flew off in search of the nearest Victoria's Secret. 

Link ignored the faerie's ranting and closed his eyes. 

"If I can't kiss Zelda in reality, I'll just have to do it in Dreamland..." It didn't take long for him to doze off. 

About ten minutes later, Zelda returned to the room to find the sleeping Link. She tip-toed as quietly as she could around the bed and took a seat on the footstool in the corner. The moon was visible through the tiny window, drawing her attention to it. She just sat there and day-dreamed, or rather night-dreamed...but she wasn't actually asleep--oh, there I go again, getting way too technical for this already childish plot. Spank me, please. 

"Tee-hee, there you are, Zelda," Link began to giggle in his sleep like a schoolgirl. 

The Princess figured that she had woken him up, but kept her gaze focused on the moon. She liked big shiny things. 

"Yes, I'm right here," she dreamily replied. 

"What Zelda? Tee-hee...do that to you again? All right..." 

"Do what?" ...What the hell is his problem? Is he still blitzed?... 

"Tee-hee..." he continued to chuckle to himself in his sleep, unaware that the victim of his dreams was in fact sitting five feet away from him. 

"Link, you're still not sober? Jesus Christ, how much of that cheap stuff did you drink?" 

"...You like that? So do I..." 

"Uhh, has the alcohol temporarily fried your brain cells?" Zelda inquired, not sure what to make of the situation. All the Hero did was turn onto his back and giggle some more. She decided to ignore it. "Link, what time are we leaving tomorrow?" 

"Tee-hee!" 

"What's so funny, you goon?" 

"Yes, right there...oh...nice Zelda..." 

"Huh?" She turned around and saw that Link was still asleep. "That bastard's dreaming sick stuff about me!" It was obvious that she didn't like him dreaming about her in such naughty ways. She would have rather preferred him actually performing the sinful acts on her instead. 

"Zelda," Link blissfully continued. "Would you like to see the real 'Master Sword'?" 

"That's it!" Zelda darted over to the bed, grabbed a spare pillow, and began to beat him senseless with it. "Wake up, you pervert!" 

He woke up screaming, "AAAHHH!! Ganon, how many times have I told you not to do that-oh, hi Zelda." he nervously stammered. 

"Link!!" 

"Woah, you were screaming my name in my dream too, but not quite in this circumstance." 

"You idiot! How dare you think impure thoughts about me!" 

"I'm sorry! I wasn't dreaming of you like that!" he lied. Dammit, even he knew how badly his fib sounded. 

"Oh yeah?" she snarled, also knowing how badly his fib sounded. 

"Yeah." Link simply stated. 

"Then what were you dreaming of?" Zelda angrily scowled at him. 

"Err," Link stuttered. "We were picking berries-" 

"And?" 

"And what?" 

"Don't play dumb with me!" 

"Okay fine, we picked berries and...and...sang gospel songs." 

"Link!" she hissed. 

"Okay, not gospel songs. Show tunes." 

"Stop it!" 

Link cracked a smile. 

"Zelda, you're so pretty when you're angry. Kiss me!" He got up onto his knees on top of the bed and puckered up. The Princess simply grinned, and pushed his face away with her hand. "Well excuse me, Princess!" he smiled, sitting up. 

Zelda didn't even bother to answer and took a seat back on the footstool. 

"Honest, Princess! Show tunes!" 

"Sure, Link." 

"Really!" 

"Uh-huh," 

Link just kept the silly grin on his face. 

"Fine Zelda, let's just go to sleep." 

"Yes, I agree." she got to her feet and crossed her arms. "Get up." 

"Get up? But this is my bed!" Link protested. 

"Yes, but since I'm staying in her with you, it's only fair that I get the bed. I'm the lady." 

"Oh, so that means since I'm a guy, I get the floor?" 

"Yes, you're so smart!" Zelda quipped. She moved back over to the bed. 

"I'm sorry Zelda, but this is my room and my bed! If you like, you can sleep next to me." Link suggested. He knew damn well that she'd reject his offer, even he wasn't that oblivious. He decided to give it a shot anyway. He was a man with needs. 

"Ha! Get real, Link!" the Princess laughed. 

"But you already fell asleep on me before, or did that slip your mind?" smirked Link. ...Yeah Link, you got her on that one! You go, boy!...he thought victoriously. 

Zelda couldn't think of anything to say at first, and just made a nervous face. 

"Well...err...you sleep on the floor!!" 

"Well excuse me, Princess!" 

After much squabbling about who slept where, the two finally got ready for nappy time. Link found a place on the floor next to the bed, where Zelda was resting her royal head. She had previously changed into one of her long, silky pink nightgowns, which always succeeded at turning Link the fuck on. He stared up at her with stars in his eyes. 

"Goodnight, Link," she said as she leaned over and blew out the last candle. 

"Goodnight, Zelda," 

Almost immediately he could hear her moving around, trying to get comfortable. Eventually she ended up on her side, looking down at him. They exchanged a smile in the moonlit room, just barely able to make out each other's faces. 

"Hi, Zelda." Link chirped. 

"Hi, Link." 

"Hey Princess, remember the first time we ever met? Just being here in this room made me think back about that day for some reason. We've been though a lot since then." 

"Of course Link, how could I forget?" 

*****FLASHBACK! TEN YEARS AGO***** 

It was a fine sunny morning in the wonderful land of Hyrule one May day. Impa, the royal family's maid, was taking a stroll in the forest for no apparent reason at all. 

"Ah," she exclaimed. "What a lovely day! The birds are singing, the sun's shining, the flowers are blooming, the Moblins are attacking-" She paused at her last words and did a double take. "The Moblins are attacking? AAAHHHH!!" 

A group of Moblins had made their way off a beaten trail deep within the forest and began to charge towards Impa. Moblins were things that looked like half dogs, half God knew what. They were originally created by Ganon to do housework, like laundry, but they were also good for his dirty work as well. 

"Oh no! Help! Help!" the old maid cried as she was surrounded by the hybrid creatures. 

"Hey, relax lady!" the one who seemed to be their leader began. "We just want to ask you something--" 

"Oh! Won't someone help an old, frail woman? Oh!" she wailed while waving her arms around like she was having an epileptic fit. 

"Lady! Calm down! We just want to know where the nearest magic shop is!" 

"AAAHHH! Someone, help!" 

"Goddam, just shut up, will ya? Fine, we'll find someone else to ask!" 

All of a sudden, just as the Moblins were about to leave, a kid fell down from a nearby tree, knocking the Moblin leader unconscious. 

"What the-?" the others all asked amongst themselves, surprised. 

At the sight of her savior, Impa's eyes widened. 

"It is him! The boy from my dream, the one who will fulfill the prophecy!" The boy stood up and looked around, as if he couldn't remember where he was, yet he seemed unfazed by the fall. "Who are you?" Impa asked him. 

He stared right at her, and in his most stern, pre-pubescent voice shouted, "I am Link! Remember it, because you'll be screaming it later!" 

The Moblins began to laugh hysterically at his words. The old nursemaid was shocked, but continued to interrogate the boy. 

"Link? Is that your name?" 

"Yeah lady, are ya deaf?" Link barked. He then turned his attention to the laughing infidels who were still pointing at him. "And what are your ugly asses laughing at? The only thing I see funny around here is you!" 

"Oh, you sure do have a lot of spunk!" Impa happily spouted, clapping her hands together with glee. 

"Yeah, I've got more than spunk," he smirked. The Moblins now began to back away from the boy. "That's right! You best be running! Tell your leader I'll kick his butt later!" he called as the bevy of underlings started to run away. 

"We must report him to Ganon!" one called to another as they ran. "He may cause trouble later!" 

Impa turned to Link. 

"Young man, were did you come from?" 

"I came from the planet Uranus." 

A long silence. 

"Do you have any parents?" 

"They died." 

"Any relatives?" 

"They died too." 

"Oh, that's horrible! How?" 

"A freak accident involving a pile of hay and a pyromaniac." 

"Umm, okay then. Do you have a home?" 

Link turned around and pointed to the tree he had fallen out of. 

"You're lookin' at it." 

"How long have you been on your own?" 

"What is this, Jeopardy?! Sheesh!" the boy cried, but he continued anyway. "About a year, ever since I escaped from that freaky Kokiri Forest..." At the mention of the forest's name he shuddered. 

"How would you like to live with me?" she hopefully asked. 

Link made a face of disgust at her suggestion. 

"And do what? Give you sponge baths and massage your crusty old feet? I don't think so!" He began to walk away when Impa desperately called out to him. 

"I live in Hyrule Castle!" 

He turned around faster than he had appeared. 

"Hello? Hyrule Castle?!" 

"Yes, young man. I am Impa, royal servant to the Princess Zelda. I can get you a room there for as long as you like." 

"Hmm..." Link began to ponder the possibilities. "Live in the castle, or a tree. Castle. Tree. Castle. Tree. Such a hard choice." 

"So you'll come?" 

"Does a donkey have an ass? Sure I'll come!" 

Impa ignored his comment and smiled, "Great! Come, Link, I'm sure the Princess would love to meet you." She held out her hand. 

"Princess, huh? How old is she?" Link questioned as he took her hand. 

"She's your age." 

"Really?" he slyly smiled. 

"Yes, you can be playmates!" 

"Tee-hee, playmates. Sweet." 

Impa led them both out of the forest and guided the young Link up the dirt path to Hyrule Castle Town. It was a busy day there. People were scurrying about to and fro, merchants were busy selling baked goods and illegal drugs. Children were beating a poor dog with sharp sticks. Yes, it was a splendid day! Link was very occupied, trying to look at everything all at once. Impa noticed and grinned. 

"Like what you see?" 

"Yeah! This place is so much nicer than my old home." 

"Where was that again?" 

"I told you! Uranus!" 

"Oh, sure..." She decided to leave that alone. 

It didn't take long for them to reach the gates to Hyrule Castle. 

"There," she explained as she walked over to a guard. "This is it." 

Link was in awe and simply stared up at the castle's towers and other nifty stuff. 

"Excuse me," Impa said to the guard. 

"Yes, Impa?" he politely answered. 

"May I have permission to talk to the King? I want to introduce him to my little buddy here." she nodded her head in Link's direction. The guard looked down in horror at the street rat. Link was wearing a ragged old brown tunic, complete with unidentifiable stains and tears. His hair was dirty and all askew. He didn't have a pleasant scent radiating from him either. And to top it all off, he had his finger rammed halfway up one nostril. 

"Yeah, I wanna see the Princess!" he chimed in. 

"Err...I don't think she'd want to see you." the guard grimly said. 

"Why not? I'm cute." 

"Please, sir! Let us at least see his Majesty." Impa butted in. 

"Well..." the guard took one last look at the grotesque child picking his nose and shuddered. "All right," he sighed as he moved away to let them pass. 

"Thank you!" the old mail smiled. She tugged on Link's arm and began to lead him through the gate. 

"Yeah, spank you." the boy muttered. 

Impa dragged him through the royal hall, where the King sat on his throne, reading the Hyrule Enquirer. 

"Your Highness!" she politely called. 

"Yes?" he answered, not even bothering to look up. 

"I have someone to show you." said Impa as she quickly slapped Link's finger out of his nose. 

"Who?" 

"Well remember about that dream I told you about?" 

"Uh-huh," 

"And about the young man who would fulfill the ancient prophecy?" 

"Yup," 

"Well, I found him!" 

The King instantly looked up...and burst out into a wild guffaw, "Ha! Ha! That smelly little street rat?" 

"Hey!" Link angrily snapped. 

"No, no your Majesty! It's really him! He saved me from a gang of Moblins." Impa explained to the not-too-bright monarch. 

"Oh, really? And how did he do that? Lift up his arms and kill them with his body odor?" the King cried out, trying to stifle in more laughs. 

"No, he fell out of a tree." she simply declared. 

"Fell out of a tree?" the King couldn't hold in his chuckles any longer "Ha! That's even better!" 

"Look, I didn't come here to be mocked by some fat fuck of a king who likes to read trashy tabloids! I'm out!" Link growled, turning to leave. 

Before Impa could grab his arm, a soft voice broke through the air. 

"Daddy! Daddy!" A young girl had come up from the room behind the Royal Hall and stood next to her father's throne. Link turned around and thought he had seen the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on his entire life. He was captivated by her long, blonde hair, her shining blue eyes, her slender figure. He was standing, fixed in his spot, unable to move. Thus, was the beginning of the end for our dear Hero. 

The Princess spotted him and cried out, "Father! It is him!" 

"Yes, see even the Princess knows!" Impa joined in. 

"Him who, Zelda?" the King gently asked his daughter. 

"It is he who will save Hyrule!" I saw it in my dream!" Zelda and Impa shared the same dreams because they were special or something. Link was utterly clueless, as usual. 

"You really think so, sweetheart?" questioned the King as he gazed over the foul smelling boy. 

"Yes!" 

"See, it's true," Impa said, supporting Zelda. 

"Well, I guess the little toad must be important," the monarch muttered. 

"Yes, he is!" the old maid continued. "He has nowhere to stay. May he live here?" she impatiently asked. 

As the two adults were fighting, Link once again found his stare still locked onto the pretty, pretty princess. She noticed and immediately became uncomfortable. He then smiled at her and waved, but it wasn't a pleasant smile. It was dirty. Very, very dirty. She slowly sank behind her father's throne and out of Link's view. 

"I don't know," the King shook his head. 

"Please?" Impa begged. 

"Yeah, I'll be good!" the future hero suddenly chimed in. 

"...Okay, he can stay for a while." 

"Yay!" Link smiled. ...Mmmm....That princess sure looks magically delicious... 

*****PRESENT TIME!!***** 

"And that 'while' went on for ten years," Zelda grinned, looking down at Link. He just happily returned the gesture. 

"I'm sure glad I fell out of the tree that day!" 

Zelda giggled a bit, then unexpectedly let out a yawn. 

"Link, I'm going to sleep." 

"All right, Princess," he tiredly answered. 

"'Night." 

"'Night, Zelda." 

Fifteen minutes passed. The Princess was still wide awake, staring up at the ceiling. ....Wow, it got real silent all of a sudden. He must've fallen asleep already...she thought. As quietly as she could, she got back onto her side and looked down at the sleeping Hero. Gently, in order not to wake him, she gently ran the tip of her nail across his cheek, brushing some of his long blonde bangs away from his face. Moving downward, she ran it across his lips, his full...pink...supple...desirable...virgin...lips. 

"Goodnight, my Hero," she yawned, pulling her hand away. She got onto her back again and shut her eyes. What she wasn't aware of was the fact that a certain someone was awake the entire time, now gloating triumphantly to himself. 

...Yeah, I'm the man! Who's your daddy, Zelda? I'll get you one day...he reflected, grinning widely into the darkness. 

So, they both went to sleep and had impure dreams about each other. Navi had re-entered the blackened room and managed to perch herself on a bedpost. All she could hear was "Oh, Zelda!" coming from the dreaming Link, and "Oh, Link!" coming from the dreaming Zelda. 

"Oohh!" she screeched. "I really hate this shit!" 

She decided that she couldn't take the perverted moans, giggles, and various other bullshit that was emanating from the sleeping duo and began to fly aimlessly around the room. Unaware as to where she was headed to, she managed to end up in a corner near the ceiling...and got her wings stuck in a spider's web in the process. 

"What the? Aw, goddamit!" she yelled, shaking her legs in a vain effort to break free. "Fuck you, spider web! Fuck you, spider who built the spider's web! Fuck you, Link! Fuck you, Zelda! Fuck you all!" 

Eventually Navi tired herself out with all the swearing and struggling, and managed to fall asleep dangling from the web. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it would have to do until one of the two morons woke up in the morning and broke her free. 

Fuck you! 

Well that's all I decided to post so far. If anyone is interested to read more, just go to my website. I have three more chapters up there. Eventually I'll post them here too. Peace out, bitch! 


	4. Booger Flicking & Another Flashback

Chapter Four: Booger-Flicking: Another 

Flashback

Early the next morning, Princess Zelda awoke to the sound of a particular faerie's screaming, which wasn't always a pleasant way to be woken up. 

"It's about time one of you elves got up!" Navi barked. "Now get my wings unstuck!" 

Zelda blinked, remembering the dream about Link that she had just been rudely disturbed from and was tempted to go back to sleep. She giggled to herself as she rested back down on the bed, squeezing her blanket tightly, and to Navi's dismay, closing her eyes once again. 

"No! Stay awake you crazy bimbo!" 

Her outburst caused the Princess to shoot back up and glare at the annoying pixie. 

"What for?!" Zelda snapped back as she threw her pillow at Navi, which succeeded in freeing the faerie from her spider web prison. She fell to the floor with a small thump. 

"Ouch! Dammit Zelda, did you have to do that?" she hissed, checking to see if her wings were still intact. 

"Well, you deserve it for being a stupid roach." 

"Huh? Wha?" a groggy male voice muttered, still half asleep. Turns out all the yelling from the girls had caused the Hero of Time to wake up well before his usual rising time. He lifted his arms above his head and stretched. "Hi, Zelda." Link greeted, his voice still crackling a bit. 

"Link, your bug is bothering me!" Zelda growled as she pointed to Navi who was still seated on the stone floor. 

"What? Go to hell!" the faerie retorted in her defense. "I certainly am not--AAAHHH!!!" As Navi tried to get up and fly over to her Hero, she felt incredible stabs of pain emanating from her left wing. "Ooohh!! My wing! The horror! The audacity!" She collapsed onto the ground. 

"Aw, poor Navi." Link cooed. He made his way over to her, picked her up, and placed her in his palm. Frowning, he looked down at her. Zelda couldn't care less, and plopped back down on the bed.. Her eyes closed and she began to think about her sick dream. 

"Link! It hurts!" Navi yelped in pain. 

"What happened to you?" he asked. 

"It's all the bimbo's fault! She threw a pillow at me!" 

"She did?" Link turned to see the Princess fake a deep sleep as she thought dirty thoughts, then stared at Navi. 

"Yes she did!" 

"Why?" 

"Because I was stuck in a web and she refused to help me!" 

"Now that doesn't sound like something the Princess would do. Stop lying, Navi!" Link scolded. He didn't like lies being told about his woman, and he knew Zelda wouldn't hurt a fly...at least, not if the fly's name was Navi. 

"I'm not lying!" she yelled. "Stop trying to make Zelda out to be the good guy here! Goddamit, you fool! She's the one who-" 

"Whatever, Navi. Actually, I don't even want to know how you hurt your wing, because the reason will probably scare me." Link placed her gently down on the footstool. Zelda grinned to herself as the faerie began fuming. 

"I don't believe this! Fine, I know where I'm not wanted, not that you ever asked me to come in the first place, but still, it hurts, Link! I'll go and take a long walk off a short pier now." She began to drag herself across the stool, then fell onto the floor. In a rather melodramatic way, she pulled herself towards the door. "I'll leave you two alone to make porno movies in your minds. Good-bye!" With that, the pixie pulled herself out the door and wandered off somewhere. 

Link just stared as Navi made her theatrical exit. 

"But she's got legs..." he muttered to himself, shaking his head. 

"Oh, Link," Zelda purred from the bed. 

"Y-Yes, Zelda?" he happily answered as memories from his most recent sexfest of a dream resurfaced. 

"Where are we going today?" she slyly questioned. 

"Err...we're going to Death Mountain today." 

"Oh, already?" She proceeded to stretch out on top of the bed in her flimsy, and not to mention thin, nightgown. Naturally, Link couldn't help but notice. 

...Oh man, she's just done it again, got me all hard and horny...if this was my dream, I'd be on her and-... 

"Link?" 

"Huh?" 

"Whatever are you staring at?" Zelda deviously grinned, stretching her arms over her head, puffing out her chest in the process. ...Yes Link, look at me. Read my mind because I can't say the words out loud, otherwise I'd be just as big of a dork as you! Dammit, be a man and take me! Take me, you hot, husky goon!... 

Link's mind was also hard at work for once, thinking. ...Uh-oh! She's making this a whole lot worse. Why, Zelda, why? Why must you torture me like this? That's it, I'm gonna go take care of this little problem!... 

"Link?" 

"I'll be right back!" he exclaimed. Without waiting for her response, he darted into the small changing room at the back of the room they were sharing. Did I forget to mention that there was a changing room? Oh, well I just did now. 

"Was it something I said?" Zelda smiled partially to herself. 

"MR. LEFTY STRIKES AGAIN!!!!" boomed a loud, obnoxious and unwelcome voice. Ganon (who else?) appeared in the tiny bedroom. He was actually right-side up this time, but his entire body, except for his head, was backwards. That telepathy shit doesn't always work correctly, mind you. 

"AAAAHHHH!!!" Zelda shrieked. She quickly threw the blankets over her, not wanting the Prince of Thieves (no, not Kevin Costner), to see her in her naughty neglige. 

Luckily for our Hero, he had just finished up and immediately made his way back into the bedroom. It appeared that he had an opaque substance covering his left hand. 

"WELL! WELL! IT LOOKS LIKE THE HERO IS AS QUICK WITH HIS HAND AS HE IS WITH THE BLADE! HA! HA!" Ganon mocked. 

"Hey, nice to see you too, Ganon..." Link smirked as he patted his arch-enemy's shoulder with his left hand, smearing the goo all over him. Ganon was oblivious for once. He just continued to taunt the couple. 

"LOOK WHO I'VE GOT!" 

Suddenly, Miss Snuffles appeared in Ganon's right hand, hanging by her tail. 

"Oh, my kitty!" Zelda cried, outstretching her arms. 

"Meow!" it helplessly yelped. 

Link made an effort to grab the cat, but the King of Evil lifted it high above his head, out of the Hero's reach. "No fair!" he barked. 

"I JUST STOPPED BY TO...TO..." 

"To what?! You know you came at a really bad time!" Zelda growled. 

"I ACTUALLY HAVE A REASON THIS TIME! HOLD ON, IT'LL COME TO ME!!" The Evil Incarnation of Darkness paused for a bit, then scratched his head with his free hand. A lightbulb literally went off above his head. "AH! HERE IT IS! THIS SICK GAME OF 'HARD-TO-GET' IS MAKING ME WANT TO PUKE! LINK, YOU COULD COME OUT HERE WEARING A SPEEDO AND DANCING AN IRISH JIG AND ZELDA STILL WOULDN'T CARE! AND ZELDA, YOU KNOW IT, I KNOW IT, JUST PUT OUT ALREADY! THERE, I'VE SPOKEN MY PEACE! I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MORK AND MINDY!" 

Ganon vanished after giving advice straight from the heart to his favorite bumbling pair. 

Link and Zelda were speechless. The Princess couldn't think of anything intelligent to say and just threw the covers over her dainty head. Link knew he had to break the silence somehow. That little interlude certainly was totally uncalled for, but for us readers, it sure as hell was funny. 

"Err..." Link stupidly started. "What a crazy guy that Ganon is," 

Zelda remained silent. 

"Aw, come on Zelda, don't listen to that asshole. He's just a boring old coot who has nothing else better to do than steal people's cats and watch 'The Golden Girls'!" he reassured her as he took a seat next to her body on the bed. All she did was make a funny noise. "How about we leave Ruto as soon as possible and head for Death Mountain?" 

"Okay," Zelda said in an infantile tone. She slowly lifted the covers off her head and cracked a small smile at Link. 

Navi had returned to the room and was still crippled. Her whining hadn't stopped either. 

"Oh, woe is me! My wing! I shall never fly again!" 

"Cut it out, Navi!" Link snapped. "The Princess is upset." 

"Oh, God forbid if the Princess is upset! But what about poor Navi? Poor, cripple-" 

"Shut up!" Link and Zelda both yelled in stereo sound. 

"Pooh on you!" Navi "miraculously" stood up and walked out of the room. She got no sympathy from the man she loved, so she was off to find another short pier. 

Wasting no time, the two hurriedly packed and left the Blow My Shanks Inn. As soon as she mounted Epona, Zelda rested her head on Link's back again. She was still tired and wanted to snuggle up next to her piece of man-meat. Navi safely hid in the Hero's little pouch which hung off the horse's saddle. They galloped off into the wilds of Hyrule Field. Fifteen minutes passed by without a word being exchanged, yet it felt like fifteen eternities. Once again, Link felt like he had to break the silence. 

"Hey Zelda?" 

"Yeah?" she sleepily replied without raising her head. 

"Remember the time we first hung out together, after I first arrived at the castle?" 

"Oh Christ, how could you ever make me forget?" Zelda smirked. 

******YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK!!! TEN YEARS AGO****** 

On the same night that Link first came to Hyrule Castle on the wings of fate (actually, it was by pure coincidence), he eagerly wanted to get further acquainted with Princess Zelda. After being introduced to the King and his heavenly daughter, Impa showed Link the room where he'd be spending his days. Needless to say, he liked it very much. Sure beats living in a tree, that's for damn sure. 

"Wow! This is sweet!" he cheered, jumping onto his new bed. 

"I'm glad you like it," Impa smiled. 

"Hey," Link paused from jumping up and down on the bed and clasped his hands together. "...Where does the Princess sleep?" 

"She's in her tower." 

"Where's that?" 

"Well, the steps leading to it are right down the hall. She's stayed in that room ever since the day she was born-" 

"So our rooms are kinda close together?" he grinned while elevating his brow. The minds of ten year old boys aren't exactly full of philosophical debates and all that other garbage. Link thought Zelda was hot, and simply wanted to chill with her. Well, he wanted to do more than that, but he was only ten, so....err....never mind. 

"Yes, they are in the same vicinity, now that I think about it..." Impa let her voice trail off. ....Oh my, is having their rooms so close a good idea? Link is new to the castle, but Zelda did recognize him as the future Hero. Maybe they'll become buddies!... 

"Nice...may I go and visit her, Impa?" he sweetly asked. 

"Now?" 

"Yeah, why not?" 

"I'm not sure, it's just after seven o'clock. She may be busy." 

"Busy doing what?" 

"Err...well, I guess it would be alright if you go and talk to her for a little while. I mean, you're going to be living together from now on. It would be nice if you two got to know each other." 

"Uh-huh. Hey, Impa?" 

"Yes, Link?" 

"I feel funny saying this, but I think the Princess is really pretty," he stopped then quickly added, "Not that I like her or any wussy thing like that. I just feel weird around her. She's so beautiful and royal, and I'm so disgusting and poor." 

Impa smiled at the soon-to-be Hero's words. 

"Oh, you're not disgusting! You're just..." She searched for the right word. She really wanted to use the word "rancid", but opted for a better, less harsh choice. "...Untidy. Yes, that's it! Untidy! How about I fix you up? If you like, you can join Zelda and I on our evening stroll later tonight. Every night around sunset, we go for a walk around the palace grounds." 

"Hell yeah, I'll go!" 

"Hmm...hold on a few moments, young man. I think I have just the clothes for you!" Impa left the room for a short while, leaving the boy to wander around his new quarters. There was a nice window on the west side of the room, which gave him a wonderful view of the Royal Daisy Garden. Princess Zelda loved to plant daisy flowers in her spare time, while she wasn't doing royal things like sitting on her throne or walking all daintily. Before Link could spit a large, thick wad of phlegm into the flowerbeds, Impa returned. 

"Ah, like the view?" she questioned, placing a pair of brown tights and a brand spankin' new green tunic on the bed. Obviously, this is where Link got his signature garb from, but after he turned seventeen, he ditched the ugly brown tights for the stylish new white ones. They made him look ultra hot. Even Zelda thought so. 

"Oh, yeah, it's a pretty view," he lied. 

"Now, time to take a bath! You don't want to be all stinky in front of the Princess, now do you?" 

"No." 

"So I'll leave you alone again to get washed up." 

"Where's my bathtub?" 

"Right there." Impa pointed over to the corner of the room next to the bed, where a rather large wooden basin was set up. 

"Oh..." Link decided not to mouth off about his shitty "bathtub". After all, he had gone from living in a tree to the palace of Hyrule all in one afternoon. He would've been asking too much for a better tub. 

So after the maid servant left, Link stripped off his clothes, which utterly reeked, and took a relaxing bubble bath. Upon Impa's arrival, she fixed up his hair and adjusted his clothes so they'd fit just right. 

"You look so handsome, Link!" she exclaimed as she placed him in front of the long mirror in the room. "Zelda's going to be taken back at the mere sight of you!" 

"I look so preppy! Preppies are scum!" he whined. 

"But you're clean. Now, let's go meet Princess Zelda." 

"Impa?" 

"Yes?" 

"Where did you get these clothes? I'm kinda curious, since no other boys my age live in the castle and all." 

"Oh, they used to belong to Amos the farmhand. He used to wear them all the time, and he was the same build as you. The last time he wore them was to his funeral, but I figured that the clothes were too nice to go to waste, so I took them afterwards!" 

"...................Eww." 

"Enough chit-chat! Let's go!" She tugged Link by the arm and dragged him out of the room. The pair walked outside, where they found Zelda standing in the courtyard, waiting for Impa. She didn't expect to see Link tagging along, and did a double take when she saw how nice he looked. "Hello, Zelda." the old bag greeted. 

"Hi, Impa," The Princess looked at Link and curtsied. "Hello, Link." 

The boy made a face. 

"I gotta fart." he said, rather aloof to the situation. Zelda wrinkled her nose in disgust at his comment. Impa slapped him on the shoulder, encouraging him to correct his error. "Oh, hello Zelda." he stupidly added. 

She forced a smile, unsure of how to react in the presence of such a rapscallion. The three began to walk around the castle walls pretty silently. To liven things up a bit, Impa began talking. 

"So Zelda, how does it feel to finally be with the boy who in his near future is going to save Hyrule?" 

"Feels nice," she lazily replied, her head focused on the ground beneath her. 

"Only 'nice'?" 

"Yeah," 

Link felt horrible. She obviously didn't like him very much. Maybe it was the foul stench which had radiated from him earlier, or perhaps the green guck that was stuck between his teeth before he brushed them? Either way, things weren't going so good. Impa also noticed. 

"Um, why don't you two walk ahead? I have...matters to attend to. Meet you later!" She cheered before scurrying off somewhere. Zelda kept her eyes glued downwards. Link was really nervous. Shitting bricks even. 

"Soooo....I was in your dreams, huh?" he asked, looking in her direction. 

"Yeah," she said, still not bothering to look up at him. 

"Like, what was I doing in them?" 

"You were holding the legendary Master Sword." 

"Wow! A sword?" 

"Yeah," 

"Cheer up, Princess!" Link exclaimed. He noticed a small statue type thing not too far away from them and ran up to it. Of course, he jumped up on it's top to look all dramatic and hero-like. "I'm gonna be a hero someday!" With that, he instantly fell off and landed flat on his face. Zelda began cracking up at his folly. Her pretty laugh made him forget about the pain now shooting through him. "You liked that?" he smirked, sitting up. 

"Tee-hee--ahem! It was amusing." She quickly corrected herself. 

"Do you always have to be so serious?" 

"What do you mean? I'm always like this. It's very ladylike." 

"...Come and sit next to me, Princess." He patted his hand on the pile of grass next to him. She obeyed without question. Before he could say anything, she stuck her royal, delicate finger up her nose and began to pick away. 

"Hey!" Link teased. "That's not very ladylike!" She just stared at him. "Well, I might as well join you!" he laughed. He began to pick his nose as well. A minute passed. There was nothing but silence and nose picking. Zelda pulled her finger out and examined her prize. 

"Hmm...." 

"Pick a winner?" he asked. 

"Uh-huh," She lifted up the hem of her dress and stuck it there. From what Link could tell, she already had quite the collection forming underneath that one gown. 

"Eww! You leave your snots on your dress?" Link yelled, amazed. 

"Yeah. You have a problem with that, Mr. Hero?" she suddenly snapped. He was loving this unexpected attitude change in her. 

"Well, even I flick mine! See?" He flicked his snot somewhere into the grassy field. 

"Good for you. Shall I give you a medal?" 

"Well excuse me, Princess! Would you like me to show you how to flick instead?" 

"No," she simply answered. "Flicking them is for boys. Hiding them is for girls." 

"But you can have flicking races!" 

"Races?" 

"Yeah! You and a partner flick boogers and whoever flicks the furthest one wins." 

"And did you and your imaginary friends make this game up?" 

Link gawked. Zelda was certainly a sassy, sharp-tongued lass for sure! 

"Want to try?" 

"Sure." 

"Okay, find one!" 

They began to go spelunking in their noses again for another treasure. It didn't take either one that long to find one. 

"Got one!" cheered Zelda. 

"Me too!" 

"Now show me how to flick, Mr. Hero." She moved closer to him to examine his technique. 

"See, it's all in the wrist." he explained, gracefully flicking his snot. 

"Where'd it go?" she asked. 

"I dunno. It's kinda hard to play this game at night, but oh well. You try now." 

"Okay," She tried, but missed. The snot still remained on her finger. 

"Na," Link explained. "You've gotta hold your hand like this....there you go." He positioned her hand in the correct fashion. She didn't flinch at his touch like he expected her to do. 

"Here it goes!" she squealed, flicking the booger. 

"Wow, that went far!" Link exclaimed. 

"It did?" 

"Yeah, farther than mine did! You seem to be really good at this. You're a natural pro!" 

Zelda began laughing. 

"You're so funny, Link!" 

"Thank you," He was blushing. He could feel his face turn hot. Thank God it was dark so she couldn't see. 

"Can I try it again?" she eagerly questioned, grabbing his hand. 

"Yeah, sure you can. Got to find another one though!" 

They both immediately fished for another prize. What they didn't notice was the King and Impa gazing at them from the tower window. 

"I don't believe it, Impa!" the King spouted to his amazement. "I've never seen Zelda laugh so much! Ever since her mother died in that horrible accident involving a horse and bottle of lubricant, she's been so sad. But now that little dirty kid's making her all happy again! Even if they are...picking their noses, at least they're having fun doing it." 

"Yes, her and Link have a strong connection." the old maid said to her King. 

You see, dear reader, the Queen of Hyrule had died three years beforehand. The reason of her death was supposedly an incurable illness...at least that's what the Royal Family told the people of Hyrule. In reality she was found in the stable one morning, lying dead under a horse. It had trampled on her for reasons unknown. Why she was trying to get under it was also a mystery. The Queen always loved her horses! 

The King watched as Zelda giggled with joy as she flicked a snot at Link. The boy just laughed, but didn't flick on back at her. 

"It's getting late," Impa interrupted. It's bedtime for them both." 

"Oh yes," he answered. 

Impa left the tower and returned back outside to get the children. 

"Princess Zelda! Link!" she called. At hearing the old crazy woman's words, Zelda quickly looked up and wiped the booger that was on her finger onto the ground. "Bedtime!" Impa sang, taking both Link and Zelda's hands. 

"Aww, already?" Link sighed. 

"Yes, Impa! We were having fun!" 

"Tomorrow you can play all day. Heros and Princesses need their sleep!" 

So, against their will, she brought each back to their respective rooms. Link changed out of his tunic and put on a fairly gay nightgown (the fairy) and sat on the bed, picking his feet. A knock at his door broke his concentration. It took almost as much brain power to pick the lint out between one's toes than it did to flick a snot. He got up and answered it. Standing there was Zelda in her long pink nightgown. Only her cute little toes showed. 

"I just wanted to say I had fun before. Can we hang out all day tomorrow?" she anxiously asked, wringing her hands together. 

"Sure! I had fun tonight too, Princess. I think I'm gonna enjoy living here." he cheered. 

"Well, good-night Link," 

"Good-night, Zelda," She cracked a small smile, then went back upstairs into her tower. That night Link slept very peacefully. Hey, it beats having a tree branch go halfway up your ass each night! 

He was awakened early the next morning by a giddy Princess Zelda. She had tapped his shoulder with her dainty index finger repeatedly until he woke up. 

"Hello, Mr. Hero!" she whispered. 

Link blinked and wiped some eye crust away. 

"Hi, Princess," he groggily greeted. It was too damn early in the morning for him, but to be awakened by the future object of his obsessions was the icing on the cake. 

"Let's go play! I know it's early and all, but I just couldn't wait. And Impa's still asleep, so she won't bother us, that old biddy!" 

He readily got up and dressed. So for the entire day they sat outside and picked noses and talked and laughed and bonded and all that happy bullshit. 

*****PRESENT DAY!***** 

"I can't believe we flicked snots!" Zelda laughed, resting her forehead on Link's back. 

"I know. What a strange way to bond, huh?" he smirked. 

She calmed down and probably, without realizing it, gave Link a squeeze around his waist. He liked that. Me-ow! 

"Link?" 

"Yes, Zelda?" 

"I miss Miss Snuffles." 

"Oh, I'll get her back for you." 

"I know you will. You've never let me down before, Link." 

Link began thinking. ...Sure, I've never let her down, but she's sure let me up!...Link, that was crude. Yes, yes it was. Ouch! Damn blonde hair!... 

"Link?" Zelda called again. 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm thirsty." 

"Umm...okay." 

"Can't we stop and drink some water from the river? It's clean. At least, I think it is. Zoras don't crap in it, do they?" 

"No, I don't think so. Sure, we'll stop if you like." Link urged Epona over to the nearby river. She happily gulped down the fresh water. Zelda hopped off the horse and kneeled down next to the river's edge. Link joined her. Eagerly, she cupped her hands and began to drink. The Hero wasn't thirsty, but he took off his boots and stuck his feet into the glistening blue water. At Link's idiotic move, the Princess spit out the water and began to yell. 

"Link! You had to go and do that?" she spat. 

"Do what?" he asked, puzzled. 

"Go and stick your stinky feet into the water like that? Right where I was drinking, too! Now the water's polluted!" 

"Well excuse me, Princess! Pardon me for wanting to give my feet a rest!" 

"But...but you disgust me!" She sat down Indian style in her spot. 

"Gee, my feet aren't that bad. I don't see any dead fish floating up! Do you?" he sarcastically questioned, peering over into the water. Zelda crossed her arms and turned her face away from him. Link grinned. It was kind of an evil grin. He unexpectedly pulled one of his legs out of the water and shoved his foot over Zelda's shoulder. She whirled around and shrieked. 

"Link! That's disgusting!" she barked while pushing his foot away. He just gleefully laughed and shoved his foot once again in her face. "Link! Quit fucking around" she angrily retorted, this time grabbing his calf and keeping a good grip on it. His eyes twinkled. 

"Woah, I like it when you talk dirty and grab my body parts." 

"You...you...little dork!" She pushed his leg away. 

Link had to get her back into a good mood, so he used the same method as before. It worked like a charm every time, heh-heh. Suddenly, without warning, he jumped on her (but gently, he didn't want to hurt her...yet) and began to tickle her all over. 

"Link! S-Stop!" she cried, now squirming under him. 

"Nope, 'fraid I can't do that, Zelda." 

"Link! Th-this--tee-hee--isn't--tee-hee--funny!" 

"Then why are you laughing?" 

"Tee-hee--STOP IT!" she managed to bark. 

"Oh, alright." He removed himself off of her and stood up. 

Zelda lifted herself onto her elbows and stared at him. She got a sinister idea (which didn't happen too often). In a flash, she shot up and hurled herself onto his back, causing him to lose his balance, sending them both into the river. Link took it as a joke and started to laugh. The water was shallow, allowing them both to only stand knee deep in it. The Princess was also back in good spirits and laughing again. Both were soaking wet, mind you. The Hero leapt up and landed on Zelda, causing them to fall down. They started play-fighting and rolling around in the water, grabbing each others clothes...laughing like a bunch of kids. It looked like a scene from "Debbie Does Hyrule" or some sick porno like that. The only thing that salvaged the interlude was the fact that they were wearing clothes. 

Meanwhile, Navi had perched herself upon Epona's head and stared at the two frolicking in the river. 

"Look at that!" she exclaimed to the horse. "Look how immature they're acting. Behaving like they're ten, not twenty!" 

Epona just neighed at the faerie's complaints. 

"I'm gonna scream!" 

Link had cornered Zelda and they began splashing water all over each other. Then, to Navi's further dismay, Zelda jumped on Link again, sending them crashing into the river for the tenth time. Their eyes met in a stare. It wasn't just any stare though...it was a real seductive one, not like the type you'd get while enduring in a battle against bad gas. The Hero gazed up at Zelda and wrapped his arms around her. She looked down at him with a look that read: I'm horny, you idiot, take me! 

...Jeez, she's on top of me...Link pondered. ...Woo-hoo!... 

Zelda lowered her head down, giving Link the signal to make a move. Navi was about to puke. 

"Oh no! They're not going to kiss! That would be the final nail in the coffin! That's it!" She bounced back up and glared at the couple. "Navi, time to do what you do best--ruin their fun!" 

Zelda lowered her head a little more. Link had placed a hand on the back of the Princess' head and urged her closer. Both their eyes were shut, anxious for the moment at hand. 

...I swear, if something fucks this up, someone's gonna DIE!!!...Link thought. 

They were so close that they could feel each other's hot breath. He felt her long hair brush against his face. She felt his hand go up and down the arch in her back, which gave her tingles. Once again they could just brush their lips together. Link was ready to go in for the kill when-- 

"Oww!" Zelda screamed, immediately getting onto her knees. Link felt like he was gonna burst with anger...or something else. 

"What's wrong, Zelda?" 

"I don't know! I just got this sharp pain in my butt!" 

Link was perplexed. 

"...Your butt?" ...Aww man, did I grab her ass by accident? Great, Link!...he scolded himself. 

Navi's high pitched laugh filled the air. They both turned to see the faerie sitting on a stone by the water's edge. 

"What did you do?" Zelda snapped, rubbing her right butt cheek. 

"I...I...tee-hee," Navi was chuckling so much that she couldn't even talk. "I bit your fat ass!" 

Link was ready to maim, kill, and destroy! Zelda began to shriek. 

"That's it! Link, it's me or the roach. I'm sick of her! Get rid of this bug before I step on her!" Zelda didn't even bother waiting for Link's response. She pulled herself out of the river and stormed off somewhere. Now Link turned to look at Navi, and when she saw his face she stopped laughing dead in her tracks. 

"You didn't find that funny, Link?" she nervously asked. 

No answer. 

"Link?" 

He just glared at her. If looks could kill, Navi would've been dead before she hit the ground. 

"Uh-oh," she gasped. 

Link began to speak with such anger in his voice, that he resembled a total, blown out madman, which wasn't too far from the truth. 

"How...dare...you...do...that! Do you have any idea how close I was to kissing her? Hell, I might've even gotten some tongue, but no! Silly Navi and her stupid pranks had to ruin it for dumb, pathetic Link!" 

"But I was just-" 

"I don't care, Navi. Don't even try to talk to me for the rest of the Godforsaken adventure. Now...where'd I put my sword?" Link casually asked himself, wanting the vermin to overhear his words. 

Navi got scared off and flew away. Oh yeah, she could also "miraculously" fly now too. 


	5. The Evil Bunnies

Chapter Five: The Evil Bunnies

Once Navi had "regained" her ability to fly, Link scurried off after Zelda. He found her sitting on a fallen tree trunk near the river, sulking. Her arms were folded and she was pouting her royal lips, which made Link want to kiss her even more. 

...Hmm...Link told himself. ...She's mad. Then again, she's always mad. Why am I shocked? God, she looks really really really pissed off. I guess if I got bitten in the ass by a rabid faerie I'd be pretty ticked myself. Mmm...Zelda, you're good enough to eat... 

The Princess looked up and saw him coming. 

"Link! Why does that flying cockroach have to follow you around? Goddamit, she bit me! She's like a...a...mosquito! She--" 

"She's gone." he interrupted. 

"Oh, well good!" Zelda crossed her arms a second time and turned away from him. 

"Uh look, we're going at have to stay here for a while." Link began to explain, while the clammy feeling of his tunic rubbing up against his skin began to annoy him beyond belief. "Our clothes are all wet, and they should dry before we set out again. The last thing I need is to catch pneumonia on this journey into oblivion..." 

"I noticed that they're all wet," she snapped. 

"So...umm...I'm not about to battle Ganon with dripping clothes." At his words, Zelda turned and glared at him. He knew she wasn't happy about having to stall their trip once again, and that if she could roast him on a spit she would. Not knowing what else to say, he gave her a half-smile. ...God...he thought ...Her wet shirt is sticking to her... 

"Oh, fine!" the Princess barked. "We can stay here." With that, she got back up to her feet and stomped back towards Epona. Link could do nothing but shrug her attitude off. The only thing salvaging the situation was Zelda's wet, white shirt. 

The next hour was spent setting up a little camp site, which basically involved gathering sticks for firewood and a whole lot of nothing else. 

"Link?" Zelda asked as she threw some sticks onto the small pile they had already accumulated. 

"Yeah?" 

"Where's the tent?" 

"No tent." 

"....Sleeping bags?" 

"Nope." 

"....Nightlight?!" her voice was now frantic as she questioned her Hero. 

"That's what the fire's for, Princess. There are no creature comforts out here." He smiled a wicked smile. ...Time to make this prissy princess suffer and live like the normal folk. Link, you're so bad. Oh, I know... 

When they had enough sticks Zelda sat down on the grass with a sigh. She rolled her head around on her shoulders, then noticed Link staring lasciviously at her shirt. 

"What are you looking at?" she quickly asked. That snippet from her had snapped him out of his impure thoughts. 

"Oh, nothing..." As he mumbled the words, a sinister idea began forming in his little Hylian brain. "I'll be right back!" he smiled. 

"Huh? What're you doing now?" 

Link didn't even bothering answering her and began to stroll through the trees. 

"Wait!" Zelda called. "Where are you going? Don't leave me alone!" 

Grinning, he turned around with his thumbs in his pockets to face her. 

"I hate wearing wet clothes. I'm going to take them off and hang them somewhere to dry." he nonchalantly explained. She blinked. He began strolling away again. "Oh, and no peeking!" he yelled over his shoulder. 

She blushed and screamed back, "You don't have to worry about that, Mr. Hero!" 

Link didn't bother turning around to rebuke her and simply kept walking. Zelda, now not sure what he was up to, began to anxiously pull up grass from the ground for a minute or two. Then she heard the sound of a loud male singing voice coming from about twenty feet away. She looked up, and her jaw dropped open and she felt her face get hot again. The Hero of Time was standing a short distance away to her left, only partially screened by the bushes. He had stripped down to his...tight....boxer shorts and was singing "When I Think About You, I Touch Myself" while moving around to the beat. 

...Oh...oh dear...he looks so...gorgeous... Zelda deliciously pondered. Link's devious plan was working. Zelda's right hand began to slide downward. ...NO!...she thought. In an effort to quell the err...emotions she was suddenly feeling, she put her thumb into her mouth and bit down hard on it to keep it there. ...Link just looks so beautiful. The light streaming through the trees is shining on his hair. His blue boxers with clouds on them-actually, that's kinda odd...No matter, I wish he'd take them off... 

Link glanced over his shoulder and saw that Zelda was indeed looking at him. He smiled to himself victoriously. ...Yeah Link, you're the man!... 

"No peeking!" he shouted. 

"I-I'm not looking at you!" She tried to sound disgusted, but her breath was coming in short, rapid gasps. Her thumb was bleeding where she had her front teeth digging into it. "I-I'm looking at...uh...the clouds!" 

The Hero laughed. 

"The ones on my shorts?" he asked. 

"What shorts?" She tried to sound dumb, which was usually an easy task for her, but now her thoughts were flailing all over the place and she couldn't even lie good enough to sound convincing. "Are you wearing shorts?" 

"Maybe." He began to move around again, as if he were fixing his clothes on their branches. But he was actually trying to decide whether or not to take his shorts off. After a few tense moments, he decided to make a compromise. He quickly stole a glance at Zelda to see if she was still watching. Of course, she was. Loudly, he began to sing again while he slowly pulled his shorts down until his hips and lower torso were exposed. 

Zelda was now very excited. ...Come on!...Just pull them down a little more... She eagerly thought to herself. Suddenly, to her utter dismay, Link stopped. 

"Oh!" he chirped. "They're all dry now." He pulled his cloud covered shorts back up and started to pull his tunic and tights off the tree branches. 

"Crap!" Zelda quietly snapped. 

Link began to sing again, "When I think about you, I touch myself..." 

...That's it! He wants to play hardball, huh? I'll show him how to play the game of hard-to-get! I'm the frickin' queen of that!...Zelda mused as she stood up. "Link!" 

"When I think about you--yes, Zelda?" 

"I'm gonna go take a bath in the river," 

Link's eyebrows raised at her statement, (heh, that wasn't the only thing that raised) and he turned to look at her. 

"Oh, really?" he grinned. 

"Yeah. Don't peek!" 

"I won't." he fibbed. It was a rather large fib on his part. 

So Zelda made her way over to the river's edge and found a nice, open spot. She undressed while keeping an eye out for Link's wandering eyes, then ventured into the river. The water was cool and relaxing, which helped calm down her urges. Link, being the eager beaver he was, immediately ran a little closer to where she was situated and hid behind a tree. From his spot he couldn't see much, just Zelda standing in the water. She had her back to him and the water came all the way past her dainty butt. 

"Come on, Zelda...turn around!" he said to himself. 

...He's looking....Good... Zelda smirked, splashing some water around. 

...Oh man oh man oh man...This ain't good! The woman of my dreams, the love of my life, the very meaning of my miserable existence, is standing totally naked only ten feet away from me, but I can't do a damn thing about it, yet she really wants me to do something. Why is this so goddam twisted?!... Link angrily thought as he looked on. ...This is so pathetic! Here I am, standing in my boxer shorts, with my miniature 'Master Sword' about to bust its guts out, while Zelda is daring me to make a move. What would she do if I took off my shorts and joined her? Would she jump my bones, or would she kick the living shit out of me? Jesus, why does this woman have to be so damn complicated?... Cue Avril Lavigne! 

Meanwhile, Ganon, the King of Thieves (he was recently upgraded from "prince"), was back at his castle nestled on the cliffs of Death Mountain, spying on the two through his magic Crackerjack Box of Doom. You know how most evil villains use some sort of crystal ball/mirror/other ridiculous contraption to see into the future or eavesdrop on others? Well, Ganon's got a magic Crackerjack Box. It totally rocked. 

"GODDAM THEM! Why can't they just get it on?! I mean, even though they're both Grade-A Assholes, they've just got to do it! If they don't with their own free will, I'm going to force them!" The evil king yelled to Miss Snuffles, who was seated happily next to the Crackerjack Box of Doom. Even though Ganon hated them both, he was still a sucker for love. "Miss Snuffles, I have a diabolical idea! Listen! When they come to rescue you..." He leaned foward and told the rest of his plan to the cat. 

Back to the Grade-A Assholes: 

Link wasn't fairing any better. He wanted Zelda, and he wanted her now, goddamit. It was his big chance, to finally snag that bitch and make her his forever and ever and ever, yet something was holding him back. The Princess grinned to herself, knowing how badly she was torturing the poor sucker. 

...C'mon, big boy. This is your chance. If you have the balls enough, take off those cloud covered, yet strangely alluring, shorts and join me!... 

Link was jumping around, trying to get a better view of her through the trees and bushes. 

"No peeking!" she called again. No response. ...Hmpf. He's probably whacking away... 

...Link, you limp-dick...he scolded himself. ...What's wrong with you? I'm a gentleman, that's what's wrong. I can't just sneak up on her like that--but she wants it!... 

The Princess was getting impatient with Link's procrastinating. Why wasn't he moving toward her? Was he really that retarded? She decided to give him another minute or two to show up. 

"Doobie doobie doo..." she sang to herself while splashing around the water a bit. 

Link was holding onto the trunk of the tree he was hiding behind very tightly. He dug his fingers into the bark, and his breathing was coming in quick gasps. It was time to end the baby games and get some lovin'. He hesitantly began to walk toward her. Zelda heard him move into the river. 

...That's right. Come here. Time to put your 'Master Sword' where it really belongs... she thought, smiling like a fool. Link was taking small baby steps over to where she was, because he knew he had to be cautious. The idea of her still kicking the crap out of him lingered in his mind. ...Hurry up, damn you!!!... Zelda mentally hissed at him. Eventually he was right behind her. She felt his hot breath on her shoulder, then his arms snake around her delicate waist. Slyly, she giggled to herself. Soon, she felt his lips on her shoulder, then against her neck...then she bent her head back so he could kiss her lips, but...then...he woke up from his dream. 

"LINK!" Zelda screeched. 

He groggily opened his eyes to look up at her. 

"W...What happened?" 

"What happened?! While you were spying on me, a branch fell from the tree and crashed right onto that thick head of yours, knocking you unconscious! You dipshit!" 

"What?!" he cried, finally getting a sense of his cruel reality. Slowly he looked down and noticed that he was lying on the ground, still in his boxers, with a mysterious, giant wet spot in the crotch area. The Princess was fully dressed and glaring down at him. "Aww man..." he whined, resting his head back down. Zelda stormed off somewhere, leaving Link to revel in self-pity. 

Poor Ganon, who had witnessed the entire event, was outraged. 

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT! RIGHT WHEN HE WAS GOING TO MAKE A MOVE, A STUPID TREE BRANCH KNOCKS THE BASTARD OUT!" He smashed his fist against the table, scaring Miss Snuffles away. "When they come here, I'm going to take him and shove it into her with my own HANDS!!! JUST CALL ME CUPID! YES, CUPID, THE ANGEL OF EVILNESS! HAHAHAHAHAHA--err, that really wasn't that funny. I should stop talking to myself. The neighbors might start to wonder about me." 

If you think Ganon was upset, could you imagine how the unfortunate Hero of Time felt? The moment had left him feeling like the ultimate idiot. As he dressed he remembered what had happened. While he was watching Zelda and thinking about lustful thoughts, a tree branch had fallen and KO'd him. How ironic? What a freak occurrence! No, not really. It's just an example of the random crap you'll find in this story. 

"This isn't good. I just had to dream about Zelda, huh?" he growled while pulling on his brown boots. It took him about five more minutes to finish getting dressed. Once his token green hat was in place, he made his way back to their "camp". His clothing was still damp. That pissed him off too. There he found Zelda sitting on the ground, facing away from him, pulling up grass again. ...Shit, she looks mad. I can't even see her face, and she still looks mad! Link, brace yourself... 

"Hey, Zelda?" 

"Shut up and go kill us some dinner." she replied without even looking at him. 

...Yup. She's mad... 

"Alright, I'll see what I can find here." He thought it would be better to leave her alone to cool off, anyway. He wasn't in the mood to get his balls busted anymore today. So he picked up his trusty bow and a quiver of arrows and set off to hunt down dinner. As he was walking through the woods, he kept thinking of Zelda. He saw a little golden birdie sitting in a tree, and it reminded him of Zelda. He saw a small rock on the ground...and it reminded him of Zelda. He saw a hawk staring at him with hungry eyes, and that really reminded him of Zelda. He leaned on a tree trunk and closed his eyes. 

...Zelda...why does she have to be such a bitch? Why am I such a wimp? And why did that goddam tree branch fall on my head?!... 

His eyes opened a minute later and he remained absolutely still. Sitting about ten feet away was a cute bunny rabbit. It was in the middle of cleaning itself. Link, seeing this as his chance to snag some dinner, slowly raised his bow and arrow, aiming at the creature. Just as he was about to pierce it between the eyes, it looked up at him and blinked. Its little pink nose was twitching as it stared at him. Link hesitated. 

...My God, Link! Just shoot it already!... He pulled the bowstring a little tighter. ...Damn, it's such a cute little bunny rabbit. I can't do it!... Link lowered the bow. He was thinking about giving it to Zelda as a pet when the Princess came out of the bushes behind the bunny. Link watched, amused. 

"Here, little rabbit!" she sweetly called. It hopped over to her, trustingly. She picked it up. 

...Aww, how cute... Link smiled. 

Zelda smiled at the bunny...then suddenly twisted its little neck. The Hero heard it crack, and his jaw dropped open. 

"How could you do that to a cute little bunny?!" 

She looked at him and snarled, "Like...THIS!" She spun its neck around twice more, causing the head to come flying off. Link had no idea she could be so cruel to animals. He was calling PETA as soon as they returned to Hyrule Castle. 

"Oh my God, Zelda!" He was in shock. His pretty Princess not only had a cruel streak toward him, but toward cute, fluffy rodents as well. 

"What?" she casually questioned, looking up at him. "Well, would you rather STARVE?! HERE! TAKE THE HEAD AND MAKE A GODDAM KEYCHAIN OUT OF IT!" While raving wildly, she chucked the rabbit's head at him. It hit his chest and left a little blood on his tunic. "NOW, GO MAKE A FIRE!" she shouted as she stalked off. 

"Jesus Christ, I'm not going to even attempt arguing with her! She'd probably rip my head off and roast it for lunch! She's got to be going through PMS." he snarled to himself and the disembodied head now lying on the ground next to his feet. It was disturbing indeed. 

Link made his way back to their campsite and took a seat next to the pile of sticks. He grabbed two and began to rub them together in an attempt to start a fire. Zelda peered over his shoulder like a crazed sentinel. 

"Hey..." he began. "Rubbing these sticks together reminds me of...what...we...could be...doing...ohhh yeah, come on girl..." 

Zelda made a face. 

"C'mon, Zelda...that's it...oh yeah..." He was rubbing the sticks harder and harder together. "Oh...oh...I feel it, Zelda! Just a little more...yes...oh Jesus....c'mon! Oh! Oh! Oh!" A fire sparked to life and he threw the sticks into the flaming pile. "Ohhh yeah...that's it...you just made me very proud, Zelda." 

"LINK!" the Princess yelled. He jumped away from the fire at her outburst. "Here, Mr. Hero, make rabbit McNuggets for us." She dropped the decapitated rabbit on Link's lap. 

"Err...okay, I'll try." 

"No, you won't try. You will." she growled. After giving her commands, she sat down on a nearby tree stump and began to brush her fingers through her damp hair. Link just shrugged and grabbed a really big stick off the ground. He gazed at Zelda. 

"What are you waiting for, you lameass?" barked the Princess as her stare penetrated into his skull. Link lowered his head and impaled the carcass through the stomach and began to roast it like a marshmallow over the flame. "That's a good boy." she sarcastically said. 

...Yeah, good boy. That's me. I'm not gonna be so good when you're screaming my name and begging for more!... he thought. Then he began to fantasize aloud, "That's right. She'll be screaming my name..." 

Zelda overheard his words and scowled at him. 

"What did you say?" 

...Oh shit. Did I just say that out loud? I better just stop thinking--ouch! Damn blonde hair! Why can't she just lighten up a little?... 

"Link!" 

His head jerked up...both if you're wondering. 

"What, Princess?" 

"You're burning the rabbit!" 

"Oh!" He took the carcass away from the fire and began-reluctantly-to cut it with his Swiss Army Knife. Every hero had one of those. They came in real handy for killing and opening bottle caps and such. Zelda grabbed the first piece and began to gnaw on it. 

...Damn him! He just had to get hit with a stupid tree branch? I wish this piece of meat were him. Tee-hee... She smiled unconsciously as she started at Link and bit into the meat. 

...Jeez... he thought. ...Why is she looking at me like that? She looks like a demon... 

Zelda was still thinking about him, ...I'd take it...and put it in my mouth...and...and...ohh... She quit daydreaming when she realized she was sucking on the meat. Blushing, she took it out of her mouth. ...Okay, Zelda, you're getting carried away. He's a dork! Oh, but he's a hot dork! And he's so brave. But he couldn't even shoot a damn bunny! Zelda, you were just sucking on that bunny...that cute, little, poor, defenseless...bunny... She stared at the half burned remains on her stick and suddenly burst into tears. 

Link blinked. ...Aww fuck, what now?... One part of him wanted to make up for his last missed opportunity and remedy it, while his better, if not more stupid, half wanted him to back off and not take advantage of her, otherwise she'd kick his ass! The confused Hero moved over to Zelda and tenderly hugged her. 

"Zelda-" he started, but was abruptly cut off. 

"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?!" she screamed. 

"Uh...I...don't know." 

"Oh! Forget you!" She pushed him away. "You're no help!" As quickly as she had began crying, she shot up and ran over to the riverbank, where she took a seat on the ground and began to pull up grass...again. 

...Definitely PMS... Link told himself as he shook his head. "I better go and cheer her up." He made his way over to the river and joined the Princess. "Zelda," he gently said, sitting next to her. 

"Go away, you're only making it worse!" she cried, burying her face in her hands. And indeed he was worsening the situation. All she wanted to do was grab him, remove that smelly green tunic and those dirty white tights, and do whatever her little heart desired to him. Link wrapped his arm around her, unaware of her true intentions. ...Oh Link, why can't I tell you how much I lust for you, you dork? Why did you have to grow up to be so gorgeous? Why can't I tell you that I want you to bone me until I squeal like a pig? Oh, why? Oh, why?... 

"Zelda?" Link questioned, pushing some bangs away from her face with his free hand. He began thinking to himself while staring at her, ...Why can't I just tell her how much I love her? And that if we got together, I'd treat her like the princess she really is? That I'd be her slave to everything--and I do mean everything... 

"Oh, Link!" she unexpectedly whined, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. "I'm so sorry for killing that bunny!" 

"It's okay, Princess. I mean, it probably would've gotten eaten by a bigger, fiercer animal anyway. You did it a favor," the Hero said as he held her close. 

"But who knows if it had a family, or brothers and sisters! I could've destroyed a whole bunch of lives just by killing that one bunny!" 

"It was only one rabbit...out of a thousand here in the forest." 

"But still..." her voice trailed off and she nestled her face against the fabric of his tunic, practically wiping her runny nose on it. Link didn't mind. 

"Don't worry, Zelda. Rabbits multiply like crazy. I'm sure our dinner will be replaced in no time." 

"Yeah...true. Dammit, I hate PMSing. I become a total psycho." She closed her eyes momentarily, then opened them up again. "Hey, Link?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Can you just hold me until I regain my sanity?" 

"Of course," He had to control the giddiness in his tone before she reached up and smacked him. Without saying another word, he held her closely with an iron grip. The Princess remained silent. He wasn't sure if she was asleep or not, but certainly didn't mind holding her like that. Soon, the sun had begun to set. Link knew he had to get her back to their campsite, but waited until the bright, pretty, orange shiny thing disappeared over the mountains to rouse her. 

"Hey..." he gently whispered. She produced some incoherent sound that he couldn't decipher. He decided to be a bit firmer now. "Zelda?" 

"Yeah?" she groggily answered. 

"It's getting late. We should return back to camp before a bear eats our food or something." 

"Can't we just stay here a little longer?" 

"...If you insist." He acted against his better judgement, but wanted to hold her for a little bit longer. "Hasn't this already been a crazy adventure?" 

"It sure has." Zelda soon began to ponder to herself once again, ...Wow, this moment is so perfect that I don't want it to end! I can't believe how safe I feel in his arms...Maybe it's time I finally gave him an ounce of gratitude. It'll make him happy... "Link?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I just wanted to thank you for rescuing my cat." 

...It's not like I had a choice!...he snickered to himself. "Oh, you don't have to thank me yet, Zelda. Besides, we still have a long way to go until we reach Death Mountain. Who knows what else is waiting out there for us? Ganon is one sick son of a bitch, so I wouldn't be shocked if he attempted to taunt us some more." 

"I know, but still, Link... I mean, anyone else would've laughed if I told them to rescue my pretty kitty, but you just went ahead and did it. You've...always been there for me and everything...but not just because you're the Hero of Time...but...also...because...you're..." Zelda was having a hard time spewing out those heartwarming words. Acting extremely nice to Link was something she did very rarely, so it felt like acid rolling off her tongue after each praiseful phrase. But never mind the fact that she wanted to fuck him rotten...oh no, that was different. No commitment there. "You're...my friend...and...I'm so glad fate brought us together." she quickly added. Sappiness alert!!! 

"You don't have to say that Zelda," ...Yes, you do! Say it! Let me hear it! Dammit, say it!!!!... 

"No, I do. I should've said so a long time ago. I should've thanked you for putting your ass on the line countless times to save me and my kingdom, and now you're doing it for my cat." She swallowed hard while preparing to say the next few words, "Link, thank you so much. Thank you for everything. You've put up with me being the biggest bitch in the world to you, but you've remained so loyal and you've always been there...kinda....kinda like a dog." 

"Oh, Zelda, you know I'd go to hell and back for you. You don't have to thank me like that. It makes me feel awkward." ...No it doesn't. Play it off as if you're aloof, Link. Don't get all happy and shit your pants because she's finally opening up to you like this. But, I'm going to tell her how I really feel...at least, I'm going to try... 

The Princess picked her head up and stared at him. 

"Link, you really mean that?" She cracked a small smile while grabbing onto his shoulders. 

"What, that I'd go to hell and back for you? After all I've been though, I figured that my actions would've spoken louder than my words." He held onto her tighter. Goddamit, he was going to get his kiss tonight no matter what it took! 

"I've never had anyone speak to me like that before...at least, I've never had anyone speak to me like that before and mean it." 

"Well, you know I mean it." 

"So you'd really go to hell and back for me?" 

"More than that," He paused, gathering all the courage in his body to muster the strength to say something he wanted to say to her over the past several years. "Zelda, I'd never let anything bad ever happen to you. I'd rather sacrifice myself before seeing any harm inflicted on you. Zelda...I'd die for you." ...Oh my God, I just said it. Well, it wasn't the 'I love you' I've been meaning to tell her, but this'll have to do for now until I can get the balls to tell her more. Besides, this chapter is getting way too sappy... 

She was at a loss for words after Link's confession, and it wasn't because of her natural blonde hair either, ...Jesus Christ, Zelda, open your mouth and say something! Tell him how you feel! Don't let him spill his guts out like this and remain sitting here, silent, staring at him like a moron with your eyes bugging out like a fish! Say it!... 

"Link?" 

"Yes, Zelda?" 

...Did his voice just get deeper? Oh, my!... "Link, I..." 

"What?" He was excited to hear what she was going to say. Was this his big break? Was all his suffering over and had all the endless nights of wet dreams and masturbation finally come to an end? Unfortunately, he didn't notice a family of about fifteen rabbits gather up next to where the couple was sitting. They were evil rabbits. Vengeful rabbits. They could smell the blood of their dead comrade on Link's tunic. It was payback time. 

"Link, I...I...lo--llll..." Zelda had no idea if she was even making sense. Saying that magic word made her panic, and she was slurring her "L"s. Link stared at her, puzzled. "What I meant to say was...I...lll....lo--like your hat." ...Shit! That's not what I wanted to say!... 

"Err....thank you." ...Alright, she didn't proclaim her undying love, but she's gradually opening up. Let's try for a kiss... 

"You're welcome," she stupidly replied. 

He smiled, then slowly began to move his head towards hers. Luckily for him, she didn't turn away and started to move hers closer to his. Zelda felt his arms pull her closer as her fingers dug into his shoulders. The moment was so cute and all, with the moon rising and the mosquitos buzzing and crap, that it would've been a sin if something happened. I like being sinful. 

Link and Zelda's faces weren't too far apart, and Link was aching for a kiss. Finally, he felt something furry brush up against his lips. He wasn't sure if it was the way a kiss was supposed to feel, but didn't care. 

...Man, her lips are furry. That's really odd...But I'm kissing her!! Great Din, I'm kissing her!!... 

Meanwhile, Zelda was thinking the same exact thing, ...What the hell? Are his lips supposed to feel like this? I feel like I'm making out with my pillow--not that I've ever done that. This isn't right...What's moving around in my mouth? Is that his tongue? Ugh! His tongue's furry too?! What a freak!... 

She shot open her eyes to push him away and got the scare of her life. Right in front of her eyes was a giant white furry creature. Immediately she noticed that this mysterious visitor was in fact a bunny rabbit, and in her mouth was not Link's tongue, but its cute widdle cotton tail. Disgusted, she spat it out and backed away. The poor Hero still had no idea that he had a rabbit stuck onto his face, spread-eagle, as he produced cooing sounds while "kissing" what he thought was Zelda. 

"Link!" she screamed. 

He kept his eyes closed and continued to nuzzle the rabbit. 

"Goddammit, you fool, open your eyes!!" She then noticed the army of bunnies that had surrounded them and shrieked, "Oh my God, we're being ambushed!" 

...How is she talking if I'm kissing her? Wait a minute! What the fuck?!... Link opened his eyes to stare face-to-face with a rather perturbed rabbit. Instead of Zelda's tongue being in his mouth, there was a piece of rabbit belly there, and believe me, the rabbit wasn't exactly happy to be fondled such a way. Angrily, he spat it out and stood up. 

"What the hell is this?!" he yelled, trying to tear the animal away from his face. It wouldn't budge. "What happened?!" 

"He must've jumped between us as we were about to-" You can say that she regained her senses at that point. "Link, we're surrounded! Help!" 

"Help?! I can't get this goddam rabbit off my face! I think he's going to tear out my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!" Finally, he managed to pry the insane creature off his face and with all his strength, slammed it onto the ground as a football player would've done to a ball at the goalpost. It made a "splat" sound on impact. He breathed a sigh of relief, but didn't have much time to engage in a victory dance because the remaining fourteen bunnies instantly jumped on him, causing the Hero of Time to fall onto his back. They attacked. They attacked viciously. 

"Oh my God!" Zelda screamed as she witnessed the scene. 

"Help me!" he wailed, attempting to throw the bunnies off of him. 

"Hold on!" She tried to pull a bunny off his chest, but the damn thing just stuck into his tunic with its claws. "You little bastard!" 

"I'm getting mauled by forest creatures! Goddam crazy-ass bunnies!" screamed Link as one jumped back onto his face, silencing him. Zelda backed away from the brawl, and covered her mouth with her hands as she saw pieces of his tunic go flying into the air as the rabbits tore away at him. His tights weren't doing any better. 

"Link!" Zelda yelled. "What am I supposed to do? I knew this would happen! I knew I'd suffer the consequences for killing that bunny!" 

"You suffer the consequences?" he managed to scream, twisting his head wildly in a vain effort to fling one of the rabbits off his face. "I'm the one who's getting attacked here! You're not getting your face clawed off!" 

"Oh, Link!" a high pitched voice cried. It was Navi to the rescue! She had emerged out of her hiding place to find her beloved in a shitload of trouble. "What's going on?!" 

"Navi, for once I'm glad to see you! You've got to help him!" Zelda pleaded to the faerie. 

"Oh," she dryly said. "First he threatens my life and now he wants me to save his?" 

"Come on, Navi!" Link interjected. 

"Fine, I'll save him." She flew over the spot where Link was being ambushed and released a foul smelling powder from out of her little pouch, which caused the fierce creatures to get off the Hero and scatter back into the forest. Once they were gone, the two girls gazed down at Link. The poor bastard had his arms and legs all spread apart as he stared up at the dark sky. He was breathing heavily and his tunic and tights were all torn up, not to mention that he had bites and scratches all over his body, including his face. Zelda was just about to say something, when Link began to speak. His voice was soft at first, but gradually grew stronger and louder. 

"I've been attacked by Moblins. I've been attacked by those skeleton Staflos thingies. I've been attacked by Ganon. Hell, I've even been attacked by a bunch of horny, gay men, but I've never been attacked by a pack of wild bunny rabbits before!!" His eyes were glowing, and he looked like quite the crazed maniac. 

"Umm...Link?" Zelda questioned, afraid of his response. 

"Yes??" he quickly answered, turning his head to look up at her. 

"Let me help you up," 

"Why? You were no help before!" 

"Oh, shut up!" she scolded as she bent over and grabbed his hand. She attempted to pull him up with both of her hands and all of her strength, but that didn't help much. 

"Ow!" Link snapped. "Whatcha trying to do? Rip my arm out of the socket?!" 

"Fuck you! Get up yourself!" she barked, letting him go. "Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Herowhocan'tkillabunnybutcangethisasskickedbyone?" she mockingly asked, folding her arms. 

Link grinned as he got up on his elbows. 

"Actually Zelda, as a matter of fact, there is." 

"Oh?" 

"You can give me that kiss we were about to share before those rabbits attacked me." 

"Blech!" Navi added, sticking out her tiny tongue. 

"Oh?" Zelda played dumb, which wasn't hard. "We were about to kiss?" 

"Uhh...yeah." 

"Link, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." she smirked. Zelda watched Link's eyes bug out before walking away. ...Heh, there's no way I'm kissing him now when he probably has rabbit fur in his mouth. How gross! He needs a bath... 

The Hero stood up and brushed himself off. 

"I better get out of here before another rabbit bites my ass!" He scampered away. 

Meanwhile, Navi had retired back to Epona's saddle in her...well, Link's bag. 

"That bastard owes me now!" she growled to herself. "First he gets drunk at Ruto and pukes all over me, then he engages in some sick striptease with Zelda and leaves me out...then he gets attacked by stupid rabbits and I have to save him! That jerk probably can't wipe his own ass without my help! Hmm...that's an interesting thought." 


	6. Ganon Saves the Day & Another Flashback

Chapter Six: Ganon Saves the Day & Another Flashback

After the unfortunate incident with the rabid bunny rabbits, Zelda had taken a seat in front of a random tree and began to count the stars as they gradually appeared in the twilight sky. 

"One....two....three, four, five...sex--err, six...Freudian slip...seven, eight...nine...oh, forget it. I think I've lost track already." She didn't notice Link limp his way over to where she was sitting. Every time he took a step closer, he winced. The pain emanating from his numerous bunny bites and scratches was enough to make him weep like a wussy girl. He slowly took a seat next to her and leaned his back against the tree trunk. "How are you feeling?" Zelda asked, trying to wipe the grin off her face. 

"Could be better...could be worse...but could be better." 

"If I would've known what was going to happen, I would have never killed that rabbit." 

"I'm sure you wouldn't have, Zelda." 

"But I had no idea how dangerous those little bastards could be! I mean, one clearly ripped your face right off!" 

"...Thanks for the gruesome flashback." Link muttered. The cuts on his face were still stinging like a mother fucker. He needed some Neosporin and band-aids...or a bottle of rum. Yo ho ho! 

"Are your wounds still bothering you?" 

"Yes. I'm in utter agony, if you haven't noticed." 

"I haven't." 

"Ah...well, I am." 

"I remember when you used to be able to take pain as if it was nothing when you were a kid." Zelda began. "There were times you'd come back to the castle all scraped up and covered in black-and-blues, but not say a word. Now, you're whining worse than a girl." 

"Well excuse me, Princess!" Link snapped, turning to face Zelda. "It's not every day that I get attacked by rabbits! It's fucking bizarre if you think about it. What am I going to tell everyone back home? That I got jumped by some thugged out, vengeful rodents? They're all going to laugh at me!!" 

"Aw, come on, Link. Be a man!" the princess joked. "Now you can't make fun of me anymore when I get injured-" 

"Oh, you mean like when you break a nail?" he smirked, trying his best to grin at her while ignoring the pain coming from the scratches on his cheeks. ...Ouch, it really hurts to smile. I am in so much pain. My face feels like it's on fire...must...smile and tease Zelda...ouch!!!... 

"No, not that!" she giggled while playfully pushing at Link's arm. She quickly stopped when she saw the miserable expression on his face. "Oh my God, I'm sorry! Did the rabbits bite you there too?" 

"It's more like where didn't they bite me!" He then paused for a moment, lost in thought. ....At least they didn't bite me down there. Heh, the little sons of bitches would've broken their teeth on that... 

"At least you survived the grizzly attack, Link." Zelda said, her voice expressing a sardonic tone. "You've been through much worse on your legendary journeys." 

"Yeah, I guess. Hey, Zelda?" 

"What?" 

"Remember the time I first realized I was gonna be a hero?" 

"Oh jeez, how could I forget?" 

****Guess what! It's another FLASHBACK! TEN YEARS AGO**** 

It was mid-summer, two months after Link had begun living at Hyrule Castle. Over this span of time, Link and Zelda's friendship blossomed into something beautiful. They had become best friends almost immediately, and as best friends, they did everything together. They enjoyed long hours of booger-flicking, tripping the elderly, hiding Impa's hearing aid, and setting fire to haystacks. The King of Hyrule took an interest in his daughter's budding relationship with the newly cleaned up boy, and would often accompany them when they wandered around Hyrule Castle Town. 

So on one hot July day, the kids were hunting around the outer perimeters of the town, searching for small animals to torture. The King also was with them, but he stayed a good distance away, not wanting the children to feel like they were being watched...which they were. His Majesty didn't trust the little punks either. He always knew his daughter was a strange one. Anyway, Link had caught sight of a tiny creature scurrying away from him down the road. 

"Hey Zelda! Look!" he called to the princess as he pointed at the small lizard, who was now hiding behind a bush. "We can use him in our experiment!" 

"Catch it, Link!" the princess happily cried. "We can hang it upside-down by its tail!" 

The future hero quietly snuck up behind the creature, trying not to scare it away. Zelda and her father stayed a few feet behind the boy and eagerly watched. "I've got you!" Link yelped, making a dive to grab the lizard, but alas, the little dude outsmarted our hero and jumped out of harm's way. Link landed flat on his stomach. 

"Link! Are you okay?" questioned Zelda as she knelt down next to him. 

"Yeah," the boy groaned, sitting up. "I've been outwitted by a lizard." 

"Oh, Link!" the princess cried out, covering her gaping mouth with her dainty hands. "You skinned your knees!" 

Link looked and saw blood trickling down both his legs. Back then, he didn't bother wearing tights with his tunic, because it wasn't a hip fashion custom for children at the time. He preferred to let it all hang out and be free. It was his God-given right as a man. "Ah, I'm fine. I've gotten hurt worse than this before. Now, where's that lizard?" The boy stood up as if nothing had happened, and quickly brushed the dried blood and soil off his knees. 

"Over there." Zelda nodded in the direction where she saw the creature last. The lizard was far away and had leisurely began to walk down an isolated dirt path. In the distance, Link could make out a huge tower-like building. He had never noticed it before, even after having had lived there for over two months. Then again, he had the attention span of a two year old and enjoyed flicking boogers around. He wasn't the keenest of children. 

"Hey, Zelda?" he asked his friend. 

"Yeah?" 

"What's that?" 

"What's what?" 

"That." He pointed down the road. "That building over there. What the hell is it? It looks freaky." 

The princess' eyes widened at his words, and she nervously began to fidget around with her dress' apron. "Oh...that." 

"Yeah. Can you please tell me what it is?" 

"Umm...I can't tell you." Zelda kept her gaze planted downwards. 

"Why not?" Link barked. "I thought we were best friends, and as best friends, we share everything. Don't lie to me, Princess!" 

"I can't tell you until we get older." 

"But I can't wait 'till then! No fair!" 

She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and frowned. "I'm sorry, Link. My daddy says that I can't tell you yet." 

"Well in that case, I'll have to force it out of you!" he grinned as he moved closer to her. 

Zelda backed away a few steps, but started to laugh anyway. "Uh-oh...Link, don't you dare!" 

"Too late!" He hurled himself into the air, only to land on her. They both crashed to the ground with a thud. Link took this golden opportunity to not only get a cheap feel, but to also use his favorite method of torture--tickling the poo out of her. 

"Link! You know--tee-hee!-- when you do this--tee-hee!--it makes me wanna--tee-hee--fart!" she shrieked between laughs. It was a tried and true method Link had used for over ten years, but once he started enforcing it long ago, it was something both he and Zelda had grown to enjoy. Meow, that's kinky. 

"Nope! Not until you tell me what that strange building is!" 

"Link! Tee-hee!! I'm gonna fart! Tee-hee!" 

"Tell me, Princess!" 

"What in Din's name is going on here?!" the King's voice suddenly boomed. He had lumbered his way over to the kids and was shocked and appalled at the site that greeted him. Seeing his daughter fondled by a dirty forest kid was sickening enough. The only thing that scared him even more than that was the fact that the princess seemed to be enjoying it. He made a mental note to get the girl a chastity belt once she became of age. 

"H-Hi daddy!" Zelda loudly yelped, bending her head back to stare up at him. Link promptly removed himself from off the princess and got to his feet. The King helped his daughter up. 

"My dear, what happened to your dress?" he inquired. 

"Oh," She looked down and noticed the bloodstains from Link's scrapes decorating the bottom half of her apron. "Me and Link were fooling around. No big deal. Impa can use some Clorox on them and-" 

"Fooling around?" the King sternly asked, folding his arms. Yes, she was going to get locked in her tower for the remainder of the day. She was being too saucy with him. Link on the other hand...would need a spanking. 

"Yes your Highness," the future hero interjected. "I was tickling her." 

"Yeah! And he almost made me fart!" At his daughter's words, the King's facial expression erupted into a look of pure horror. Link and Zelda stopped laughing when they saw a vein bulging from the old man's forehead and got serious. "Daddy, I might as well show Link the Temple of Time." 

Link's eyes grew large, and he looked at Zelda. "Temple of Time? What's that? A theme restaurant or something?" 

"Well Zelda, you are the Princess of Destiny. You yourself know if the time is right or not, but if this is what you desire, than I cannot object." The King nodded his head in approval. It was a good way to change the subject from farting to anything but that. 

"Yes Link, follow me now." She had started walking down the path when she turned around and smiled at her friend. "I'll race ya!" 

"You're on!" 

The two darted off and made their way over to the huge temple at the end of the road. The King followed behind them, but kept up at a snail's pace. Before the kids reached the front steps, Link had already looked up in awe at the massive structure. It looked like something out of a horror movie...or a church. Either one was scary enough. 

"Woah, kick ass!" he cried when the two stopped in front of the building's entrance. 

"Wait until you see inside, Link." Zelda said as she took his hand and began to drag him inside. "Come on!" 

Without protest, the couple scooted up the stairs and entered the grandiose temple. Link had never seen anything like it in his entire life. It had a huge cathedral-like ceiling, stained glass windows, an altar, and a creepy unseen choir chanting a rather dismal melody. The boy had walked ahead of Zelda and approached the door located behind the altar. Already standing there were a few villagers talking amongst themselves. The temple was open to the public just like a tourist trap, and there was even a gift shop on the second floor. Goddam capitalism! 

"Hello, young man." one villager greeted. 

"Hi." 

"Young man, do you know the story of the creation of Hyrule?" 

"You mean how it came out of the cabbage patch?" 

"Err...not exactly." the man chuckled. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or scowl at the kid's comment. Either he wasn't from around the area or just really stupid. 

Zelda and the King had joined Link and the villagers. 

"Link, this is the Temple of Time." Zelda explained. "In it rests the Master Sword, which only the legendary Hero of Time can use." She pointed to the center of the dimly lit room. There in all its glory was the sword of evil's bane, stuck in a pedestal, complete with a beam of sunlight shining down upon it. It looked very theatrical. The goddam freaky choir music only made it worse. 

"Okay..." Link slowly said. "And what do I have to do with all this?" 

"Link, according to my prophecy, you are the Hero of Time!" 

"ME?!" 

"Yes you, silly!" 

"Why me?! I can't even catch a stupid lizard!" 

The man who was talking to Link earlier couldn't help not to butt into their conversation. "Wait wait, Princess. You mean to tell me that this little prepubescent boy is going to save our kingdom from the ultimate evil?!" 

"Yeah, prepubescent my ass!" Link snapped. Nothing hurt more than a blow to his masculinity. Actually, a blow to his nuts might've overruled that. 

"Well, not at such a young age. Give him a few years." The King responded. 

"Hell Princess, I won't let you down!" Link beamed as he smiled at Zelda. 

"I'm sure you won't, Link!" 

"Well Princess, if you think Rambo over here is going to save the universe, why not give him the ultimate test?" the villager added in a rather snotty tone. 

"Test??" the boy nervously questioned. He didn't like tests. Not one stinkin' bit. They sucked monkey balls. 

"Yes, what do you mean?" the King joined in. He was ready to go all Kung-fu style on these villagers if they were aiming to harm Link. Although the boy did frighten him at times, he hated to admit that he was growing on him. Just like a rash. 

"If you're so positive that he's our hero, make him pull the Master Sword from its pedestal." the man continued. Link glanced in Zelda's direction, not sure of what to say or do. 

"Yes, but now is not the time." the princess stated. 

"But if he is the true hero, it'll only come out for him, right?" 

Zelda was getting annoyed at the man's taunting. She wanted to open a can of whoop-ass on him, but knew she wasn't the one to do it. "Fine! We accept your challenge! Come on, Link!" she boasted, grabbing his arm. 

"Z-Zelda, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm not the Hero of Time." Link stammered as she pulled him through the doorway. 

"Shut up, yes you are." 

"And what if you're wrong?" 

"Then...then...you can kiss me on the lips!" 

"Eww! You better be right!" Oh, how Link would come to eat those words. 

She led him up the stairs to reach the large pedestal in the middle of the room. The sight was intimidating, causing Link to gulp. The sword was huge! How the hell was he even supposed to pull it out, never mind wield it? 

"Woah...that thing is really, really, really heavy looking." he muttered to her. "I can't possibly-" 

"Shut up! Yes you can!" 

A crowd had gathered into the room to watch the scene. They were in for a treat! 

"That little chickenshit's gonna attempt to pull out the sword?" a villager shouted from the assembly. 

"Blow me, punk!" Link hissed back. Goddammit, no one was going to talk to him that way! He was the Hero of Time and was going to prove all these lameasses wrong! ...Now, if only I could actually believe that... 

"Now before we begin, we'll have a few villagers attempt to pull out the sword first." Zelda announced. "Anyone want to volunteer?" 

"Let me do it!" some random person cried out. A big fat guy stepped forth and ascended the steps. "Just call me the Hero of Time!" Alas, when he tried to remove the sword from the stone with all of his might, nothing happened. He shrugged his shoulders and gave up. 

"Next!" Zelda called. 

And so, many others attempted to move the weapon. Link nervously watched as villager after villager failed to do the duty which supposedly only he could do. If he failed, he'd be one depressed elf. 

"Aw, screw it!" the last contestant yelled, stepping down. 

Zelda turned towards Link and smiled. "It's your turn now." 

"Uh-oh. Well, here goes nothing." He took a deep breath and hesitantly climbed up the stairs leading to the sword's resting spot. Silence filled the hall. Both Zelda and the King looked on anxiously, awaiting to see if the princess' prophecy really was true. If so, she'd be getting her own psychic hotline in the future. 

Link felt his palms grow sweaty as he stood face-to-err, sword with the weapon. He turned to look at Zelda, who responded with a smile and a "thumbs up." Saying a prayer to himself, he placed his hands tightly around the handle. 

"Here we go...just pretend you're doing something naughty." With all the might in his ten year old body, he pulled that mother fucker as hard as he could. Too bad he didn't know all of his strength wasn't needed though, as the sword slid out of its pedestal as easily as butter. "Holy shit..." he muttered in amazement. The crowd gasped when they saw the sight. The Master Sword was fully released from the stone. This kid was the Hero of Time. God save us. 

The weapon was too heavy for Link to hold up, so he just held on to it with both hands while it rested on the floor. 

"Link, I knew it!!" Zelda exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "You are the Hero of Time!" 

Link turned around to face the crowd, then smiled, "Ha! Turns out that I am the Hero of Time! Did you all hear that, all you bastards who underestimated me? Soon, you'll be bowing down before me! That's right! I'm the man!" Then, for added affect, he grabbed his crotch. "All you jerks--except the King and Princess--can suck my heroic-" 

Suddenly a loud guffaw overshadowed Link's gloating. "HA HA HA! THIS LITTLE PREPUBESCENT BRAT IS SUPPOSED TO DEFEAT I?!" 

Everyone looked up and saw the Evil Incarnation of Darkness floating upside-down above Link. 

"Who's the cross dressing Miss Piggy?" the newly anointed hero nonchalantly questioned. "And does he always scream like that?" 

"YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" 

"Oh, please. I'm not impressed." 

"YOU LITTLE WHIMP!" the visitor shouted, perturbed. "SHUT UP!" 

"Shut up? And I'm supposed to listen to you, you overgrown barnyard animal?" Link was feeling pretty boastful at the moment. Finding out you're destined to be the greatest hero in the universe will do that to you. "Why don't you go and assram a goat or something?" 

"Grr...I must admit, for a pipsqueak you do have a smart mouth!" 

"Damn straight!" 

"My name's Ganon, a.k.a. your ETERNAL ENEMY!" 

"And I'm Link! Remember it, 'cuz you'll be screaming it later!" Ganon made a face when he heard that. So did everyone else in the temple. Link realized what he said and hastily corrected himself. "Okay, you won't be screaming it in that way! You'll be screaming it when I make bacon out of your ass, bitch!" 

"CURSES! WAIT UNTIL YOU'VE AT LEAST HIT PUBERTY TO TALK LIKE THAT TO ME! YOU CAN'T EVEN LIFT YOUR SWORD, YOU MUNCHKIN KING, YOU!" 

"I don't have to lift this thing to use it!" With a powerful throw, Link chucked the sword at Ganon. It made contact with his piggish cranium, then crashed to the ground. 

"OUCH!" the King of Evil shouted, rubbing the bump now developing on his head. "THAT HIT MY HEAD! THAT REALLY HURT!" 

"Link, be careful with that thing!" Princess Zelda yelled at the hero. "Everything's all fun and games until you poke someone's eye out!" 

Link seemed to ignore Zelda's comment and continued his arrogant display of bravado. 

"There's more where that came from, asshole!" he shouted at Ganon. "Wait until I can actually use this thing!" 

"BAH! I MUST GO. THE GOLDEN GIRLS IS ON. NICE TO MEET YOU LINK, MY SWORN ENEMY! WE WILL MEET AGAIN!" 

And of course, they did meet again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and :::yawn::: again...and again...and yet again...and you get the picture. 

****PRESENT DAY, BITCH!!!**** 

Link and Zelda were sitting under the same tree, once again trying to count the stars in the sky. Even though they weren't officially a couple, they managed to sure act like one. The princess was in Link's sore arms, and he had his back still resting against the tree trunk. 

"Did you see that, Zelda?" 

"What?" 

"A shooting star." 

"Aw, no I missed it." 

"I made a wish..." 

"How's your rabbit bite doing now?" 

"Bites, Zelda. There isn't just one." 

"Sorry, Mr. Hero." 

"They're doing better. Still stings though." 

"Aww, poor Link." 

"I'm a big boy, I'll manage." 

"Okay, you do just that." the princess sighed, turning to rest her head on his chest. 

...Goddamit, she wants to fall asleep on me, but won't let me kiss her? What's up with that?... Link pondered to himself. 

...Tee-hee...'hard-to-get' is a fun game to play with a moron!... Zelda thought with a smile. 

"Good night, Link." she said, closing her eyes. 

"'Night, Zelda." He rested his head against the tree trunk and also closed his eyes. 

Navi had been watching from a distance perched upon Epona's head and couldn't stand the sickingly sweet scene. "Before they were fighting, and now this? Look at it, Epona! Zelda's asleep between his legs, and she has her head on his chest! That whore! If I was big enough, I'd chop off her ugly head and Fed-Ex it to Ganon myself!" Epona neighed at the faerie's comments. Navi raised an eyebrow. "...What do you mean 'jealous', Epona? Me? Jealous?" The horse neighed again. "I am not jealous! Hmph!" Navi angrily flew away. 

Link and Zelda had managed to fall asleep amongst the animal noises and high pitched screaming. Let me tell you, the vision of them two in that position would've made one hell of a Kodak moment...or a prime opportunity for blackmail. All was peaceful on the riverbank that night. 

The next morning was a hell of a lot different. Link was awakened by soft raindrops falling onto his face. 

"Aw, man..." he muttered, opening up his eyes. Zelda was still fast asleep on him. He had to wake her up before it started to pour. They had to find shelter, and fast! Before Link could do anything, a loud clap of thunder woke the princess up. 

"Oh my God! Link! It's raining!" she yelped, sitting up. 

"...Yes, Zelda. I've already made that observation." 

"What are we going to do?" 

"Find somewhere to stay, and quickly." 

She frantically looked around and spotted a cave opening not too far away. "There, a cave! Let's go!" Without waiting for Link's response, she shot to her feet and made a mad dash towards the opening. 

"Wait, Zelda! Oh, never mind." He stood up and whistled for Epona to come. "Hey there, girl. Like the rain? Raindrops keep fallin' on my head..." he started to sing while petting the horse on the nose. 

"Hurry up, dumbass!" Zelda screamed, already standing in the cave's entrance. 

"Ah, my lady awaits! Come on, Epona!" The boy and his steed made it over to Zelda just before the heaven's opened up. Boy, did it rain something horrible that morning! The only thing missing was Noah and his Ark. Inside the temporary shelter, the princess was leaning against the hard cave wall, looking out at the storm. Link was on the opposite side, petting Epona. Navi flew out of a bag from the horse's saddle and instantly began ranting and raving. 

"Yuck! Epona stinks when she's wet!" the faerie screeched. She was like a miniature banshee. 

"You stink no matter what." Zelda dryly said, still staring outside. Link bursted out laughing, and Epona whinnied. 

"That's not funny, Link!" Navi yelled. Zelda had just embarrassed her, which made the faerie extremely pissed off. It was even worse that she did it in front of Link. Dammit, Zelda was the dimwit! Navi glared at the Hylian woman. 

"What's the matter, Navi?" Link grinned, folding his arms. "Zelda made a big blow to that pint-sized ego of yours?" 

"Screw you! If I was big enough Link, I'd kick you squarely in the balls right now!" 

"Well now, that's kind of hard, isn't it? I mean, they're much bigger than you'll ever be." 

Zelda raised her eyebrows as she heard him say this, then turned to stare at him. She wanted to make some sick comment, like "Oh really? Can you show them to me?", but stopped herself. Link noticed how she was scrutinizing him up and down, and stared right back at her, a hungry look in his blue eyes. Whole lotta sexual tension now... Navi growled and began to scream. 

"Oh! You guys make me sick! Go get a room, jackasses!" She flew back into the bag on Epona's saddle. Zelda was just about to walk over to Link, grab that husky hunk, and make a true man out of him when she felt something rubbing against her legs. 

"What the-??" she asked, looking down. 

"Zelda, don't move..." Link cautiously warned as he slowly began to walk over to her. 

"Link, what's wrong?" She became extremely nervous. ...Oh no, is that a skunk taking a dump on my new shoes? I'll rip his little tail off and shove it down his throat! I paid a pretty penny for these Gucci boots!... 

"There's a bear cub rubbing up against your feet." 

"A bear cub? How cute!" the princess exclaimed. 

"No, Zelda! Don't-" 

Too late. She had already picked up the fuzzy creature and held it close. 

"Hello, little teddy bear! How are you today?" she asked in a childish voice, nuzzling noses with the wild animal. 

"Zelda, put the cub down." Link sternly commanded. 

"No! It probably lost its mommy." 

"No, it's mommy is probably very close by and upset that a stranger's holding her cub!" 

"Oh Link, shut up. You go somewhere else if you're afraid, Mr. Big Bad Hero." Zelda snapped, cradling the bear like a baby. 

"Fine, why do I even try?" Link grumbled, turning away. ...If she wants to get her face mauled off by an angry grizzly bear, that's her decision. Fuck her...Actually, I want to fuck her...That was crude. Yes, yes I know... 

"You're so adorable!" Zelda chirped. "I'll be your mommy from now on! Want to meet Uncle Link? ...Link?" No answer. "Where is that asshole?" 

Meanwhile, Link had wandered deeper into the cave. He had to get away from his smelly horse and braindead love interest. 

"Stupid bear cub...that would've been me..." He turned around and saw Zelda playing with her new friend. "Damn Link, why do you have to be such a loser? You're jealous over a bear cub! ...But Zelda's pressing it so close to her chest... Oh well, someday Link, someday... Yeah, like in a wet dream." The hero had turned around to continue walking when he slammed into something. He slowly looked up and stood face-to-face (well sorta) with a six foot grizzly bear. He hyperventilated, pissed his tights, and turned around. He had to do what any other hero would have done in the same situation--scream like a sissy girl and run for dear life. "Holy crapoli!!" Link shrieked, running towards Zelda. "Princess, put down the cub and RUN!" 

"Huh?" 

Before they could react, the bear grabbed Link and lifted him up. 

"AAAGGHH!! Oh dear God, help me!" 

"Oh Link, you can handle it. You've faced Ganon, so a little bear shouldn't be a challenge." Zelda simply said, not turning her attention away from the cub for a second. 

"Zelda! Help me!" Link cried as the bear swung him around like a ragdoll. "I feel like throwing up!" 

"Be a man, Link!" 

"I'm gonna DIE!!! Help me! It's gonna bite my head off!" Zelda just ignored him this time. He was defenseless. His sword and shield had fallen to the cave's floor, and Epona and Navi had hightailed it out of there. "Goddamit, Princess! HELP ME!" The hero was beginning to black out. 

"Hush Link, my cub's going to sleep now!" Zelda yelled, rocking the animal back and forth in her arms. 

"Someone! Anyone! HELP ME!" 

"DID YOU SAY...ANYONE?" an unexpected, yet welcome, voice thundered. Link and Zelda looked up (well, Link did his best to) and saw Ganon floating diagonally next to the bear. 

"Anyone but you!" the Hero of Time cried. 

"WELL FINE THEN, MR. MASTURBATOR! BECOME YOGI BEAR'S LUNCH!" 

"Wait! Why do you want to help him anyway?" Zelda asked, not sure whether to trust her arch-nemesis or not. 

"Because...I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO END HIS USELESS, PATHETIC EXISTENCE, AND NOT MY FRIEND FOZZY THE BEAR HERE!! PLUS...I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO!" 

"I don't know if I should trust hi--AAGGHH!" Link screamed, being swung around for the zillionth time. "I'm going to throw up everything I've ever eaten!!" 

Ganon, with lightning fast speed, grabbed the bear's arm which was holding Link and pulled the hero close. "...Do you want to die a twenty year old virgin, boy?" 

Link made a face. "Okay, save me please." he timidly answered. 

"That's what I thought..." Ganon then began to chant some gobbledygook which made absolutely no sense. "KUMBAYA! KUMBAYA! HALLELUJAH! LOTS OF BACON! OINK! OINK! OINK!" 

...What in God's name is he doing?... Link and Zelda simultaneously thought. 

"OINK!" Ganon chanted for the final time. Suddenly, the bear turned into a pig and Link came crashing down onto the cave floor. 

"Ow, my ass!" he yelped. 

"THERE! I MUST GO. MR. LEFTY...THE BLONDE WONDER...I'LL SEE YOU LATER!" His Evilness was just about to exit the scene when he stopped and grinned at the Hero of Time. "OH, AND LINK...I'M GOING TO ENJOY IT WHEN I FINALLY KICK YOUR SCRAWNY ASS! I'M GONNA REALLY ENJOY IT! I'M OFF!" The Prince of Darkness vanished in a poof of thick neon orange smoke. 

Link stood up and rubbed his cute tush. 

"You okay?" Zelda questioned. 

He glared at her. "Thanks for the help!" 

"Oh, I'm sorry. It was just that my little cub was falling asleep and-" 

"Your cub's mother almost cost me my pathetic life!" 

"Well the cub's more important than that anyway!" Zelda snapped. She honestly didn't mean those words, but Link had really ticked her off and deserved a good kick in the old nutsack. Her words could be more deadly than any physical threat though. When Link heard her say that, he snatched the cub from Zelda's arms and pulled away. "Hey! Don't hurt it!" 

Without a word, Link walked up to the mouth of the cave and held the bear up. "Hello, little friend. Good-bye, little friend." And with that, he drop-kicked the cub practically across Hyrule Field. 

"LINK!" Zelda screeched. "That was my pet!" 

"Little furball deserved it. I mean, it took your attention away from me..." He sweetly frowned. Immediately Zelda's mood changed from angry to flirtatious. She had severe mood swings, and PMS wasn't even to blame this time. 

"Aw, Link..." she smiled, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. 

"Hey, Zelda?" 

"Yes?" 

"Kiss me!" 

"Don't push your luck, Hero! First of all, you murdered my new pet. Secondly, your arch-nemesis saved your life." 

"Yeah, well shit happens." He moved in to kiss her when Zelda noticed that it had stopped raining. 

"Look! The clouds are dispersing!" She pushed Link away and happily went outside, leaving Link once again in the cold. He shook his head, then joined her. 

"Yes, it's nice out now." he said, looking around. The air had a cool, pure oxygen smell in it that usually happened after it rained. That smell rocks. 

"Link, how much further until we get to Death Mountain?" 

"We should reach it by tomorrow night." 

"So soon?" she muttered, partially to herself. 

Once again, they gathered their things and set off towards oblivion. The pair was seated on Epona as they trotted off into some unknown direction. Zelda was thinking once again (a rare occurrence for her) as she rested her head on Link's back. 

...Only one more day alone with him? Oh no! I wish it were two more years! How I want to cuddle him like that cub! How I want to take him in my arms and...and...fondle him..and...ohh...pleasure him, and do naughty, inexplicable things to him...to...to...ouch! I gotta stop pondering so much! I'm killing brain cells this way!... 

The Hero of Time was also lost in thought as he stared into the wilderness. ...Only one more day left with her? Only one more time she'll rest her precious head on my back? Only one more day she'll fall asleep on me? Only one more day she'll flirt with me and tell me that she likes my hat? I can't go on! I need her more than I need oxygen! I need her more than I need a pulse! I need her more than I need a life! Holy shit! I'm the most pathetic son of a bitch on the face of the planet! A loser hopelessly in love...but it's a love that isn't returned. Dammit, I'm the Hero of Time...yet that doesn't prevent me from being such a dork! I'm feeling really depressed... I know what I'll do! We're gonna take a pit stop at Zora's Domain! Those crazy Zoras always get my spirits up!... 

"Hey, Zelda?" 

"Yes?" 

"Mind if we make a pit stop?" 

"Another one? Where this time?" 

"You'll see." 

"We're not going to another sleazy bar where you can drown your sorrows in cheap beer and chat with your loser friends, are we?" 

"Err...no." 

"Good. I don't know why you hang out with such drunkards, Link." 

"They're nice company." 

"You should be hanging out with refined men, such as yourself. I don't like seeing you hung over first thing in the morning. Honestly Link, you look like shit when you do that." 

Link wasn't paying any attention to Zelda's rambling. He was lost in his own delusional thoughts, where he was safe from all harm. 

...Yeah...nice company. Zelda, you're lucky I'm only hanging out with drunk sailors and not with cheap hookers or those chicks who want me to impregnate them... The only one I want to be sticking it into is you... 

Link had already began to feel better. With the events of the morning already a distant memory, all he could focus on was getting a few more cheap feels out of Zelda before the adventure was over, and chillin' with the Zoras. And he knew he'd get his kiss sooner or later. Damn straight. 

Well that's all I have for now! Chapter Seven is almost complete, and will be posted shortly. You can either check here or at my site, www.cutesyvideogamessuck.homestead.com for further updates. Yay! 


	7. Chillin' Wit da Zoras

Chapter Seven: Chillin' Wit Da Zoras

This chapter took me much longer to write because I basically did it from scratch. I didn't like the original I had written years ago and decided to scrap it and update it for today's times. I've included several movie references from some of my favorite flicks, including Kill Bill Volume 1, Zoolander, and Gladiator. If you can spot all the movies quotes, you'll get a pat on the head and I'll give you a cookie 

Twenty minutes had elapsed since the mindless rambling of Link and Zelda in the previous chapter. Well, they weren't exactly aware that their tale was being recorded in chapters but...err...aw fuck it. Anyway, not a word was exchanged between the two, and as the old cliche goes, the silence was deafening. Luckily the entrance to Zora's Domain was only about ten feet away. 

"We're almost there, Zelda." Link turned his head halfway to talk to the princess. "Don't fall asleep on me now." 

"I'm not..." Her voice came as muffled and groggy while she slowly began to stir around. "I'm just resting my head." 

"Uh-huh..." he smirked. _...May I lay my head in your lap, my lady? Oh, Hamlet, eat your heart out!..._ Link stupidly began to giggle at his thought. Zelda's eyes shot open and she made a face. 

_...What in Din's name is he laughing at? Has he finally snapped? Is he gonna go all apeshit on me? He still owes me another pet. Perhaps I'll have him buy me a goldfish. I'll name it Scaley. It would be a cute little fish that I'd feed flakes to- _

Her puny dreams were put on hold when Epona suddenly came to a stop and a strange voice rang out through the air. 

"Hey Link! Long time no see!" 

"Hi there, Zora!" the Hero of Time greeted with a smile as he addressed the guard....guarding the Domain. 

Zelda removed her head from off of Link's back and screamed at the sight that welcomed her. "Aagghh! What is that thing?!" 

The poor Zora shrunk back, not sure of how to address her question. 

"Princess!" Link scolded. "That's impolite. He's a Zora. They're really cool people...err, I mean fish. Whatever." He stammered as he dismounted Epona. 

"Oh, I've never seen one before. I'm sorry." Zelda apologized as her escort helped her off the horse. 

"Yeah sure..." the Zora disregarded the princess' display of idiocy. "Well Link, you've arrived at a good time. We're having Zora Gras, and now it's Happy Hour!" 

"Woah, kick ass! Food and alcohol!" Link happily cried, taking Zelda's hand. 

The princess rolled her eyes. _...Oh yeah, that's all we need is a repeat of the other night. He's a babbling fool while sober, so I see no need for him to drink..._ Zelda, sweetheart, _you're_ the reason he drinks. What fools ye Hyrulians be. I must be on a Shakespeare kick or something. Author tangent alert!! 

"You and your lady friend go inside and enjoy yourselves. I'm sure the King will be happy to see you. I'll place Epona in the stable." Zora explained as he took hold of the horse's reigns. 

Zelda was annoyed at how she was being treated. Dammit, she was a pretty pretty princess! 

"Excuse me! Do you know who I am?" she questioned the fish-man thing. 

"Umm...Link's girlfriend?" 

"I'm Princess Zelda of Hyrule!" 

"Zelda, here they obey a different princess." Link interrupted. 

"Oh, so _you're_ Zelda!" Zora snickered. "You're the one who has an awful habit of getting kidnaped." 

"Well yes, I suppose I do. Ganon can be so sneaky at times! The last time he dressed himself up as the Kentucky Fried Chicken colonial and suckered me into tasting his new recipe for buffalo wings-" 

"You should hear how highly Link speaks of you..." 

"Oh really?" Zelda's ears perked up. _...Does he tell you he wants to place me upon his knee and spank me? I hope so!..._

Link began to get uncomfortable. He remembered the last time he had hung out with the Zoras. In a drunken stupor, he told them that for all the shit he did for Zelda, she should ride him like how he rides Epona. He gulped as he awaited for Zora's response. 

"Yeah, don't worry Zelda. Link never has _anything_ bad to say about you." the guard grinned, flashing Link a quick gaze. The Hero smiled back, relieved. His dirty little secrets were safe for now. 

"That's interesting." Zelda chirped. "Come on, Link. I'm hungry!" 

The amphibious creature led the two into Zora's Domain. It basically looked like a giant water part, slides included. Their host led them into what appeared to be the town square, where hundreds of Zoras were partying. 

"We should see the king first." Link directed, taking Zelda's hand. _...Heh heh...smooth..._

"Sure, if you say so, Link." Zelda said. "I've never been here before. I've read about it in storybooks and stuff." 

"It's not your fault you're sheltered, Zelda." 

"What did you say?" she snapped. 

"I said nothing. Your ears are playing tricks on you." Link blew off the princess and spotted the king sitting above a canopy on a large ledge surrounded by royal servants. "God. He's really porked out, hasn't he?" He yanked Zelda over the where the Zora king was perched. "Your Highness?" he politely addressed the portly fish. 

"...Link! Salutations! What brings you here?" the king asked, waving a webbed hand at the two. 

"Oh, it's just a friendly visit." the Hero of Time moved closer to the Zora and bowed his head in reverence. 

"Make yourselves at home! And who's the lady?" smirked the king as he rubbed elbows with Link. Before her Hero could answer, Zelda introduced herself. 

"I'm Princess Zelda of Hyrule." 

"So _you're_ Zelda!" 

"Yes... Why does everyone seem so shocked to finally meet me?" she uneasily asked. 

"No reason." Link butted in. 

"Well, Link does always talk about you." the king boasted, clicking his heels together. 

The princess turned to Link and smiled. He blushed and almost shat his tights. 

"How about you two go get something to eat? I'll book you two rooms in my palace so you can stay the night." King Zora volunteered. "It's not every day we have royalty from other places visit! Hehe...shall that be one room or two?" 

"One!" Link cheered. _...Mmm...More quality time with Zelda...in the same room...snuggle time!..._

"Two!" Zelda simultaneously answered. 

"Well excuse me, Princess!" 

"I'll take that as a 'two'." the king grinned. 

"Sure, sounds sweet." Link shrugged his shoulders. _...Eh, you can't win them all, Hero..._ Zelda nodded her head in approval. Meanwhile, her panties were afire, but she had to keep her distance from Link, otherwise she'd end up doing something stupid, like kiss him. Now that would be silly. Almost as silly and pointless as this story. 

Ten minutes later, Link and Zelda found themselves seated at a table with other Zoras. A dinner of fresh fish (what the hell did you expect? Fried chicken?) and chips was set out before them. They were gonna pretend to be Limeys for the evening. Many of the Zoras had never seen a Hylian female before, so they often gawked at the princess. Now knowing what to do, she stupidly smiled back. Link was shoveling down his food like a slob. 

_...The Zoras seem to be fond of Link. Many his animal-like eating habits amuse them... _Zelda chuckled to herself. She looked up again to see three damn Zoras staring right at her as they gnawed on some chips. She uncomfortably began to push some fish around on her plate. Some conversation had to be brought up before she went insane and stabbed them all with her fork. 

"So...what are your names?" she asked the group at her table. 

"Our name is 'Zora'." one answered. 

"...Zora?" 

"Yes." 

"All of you have the same name?" 

"Yes." 

"Oh...how do you tell each other apart then?" 

"Easily. Watch." The Zora turned around to a crowd of Zoras a few tables away. "Hey, Zora!" They all turned around to look. "See? It's flawless." 

"Err, yes, it works perfectly." Zelda lied. 

The Zora smiled at her. "Hey Zelda, you're cool. Let me buy you a drink." 

At the creature's offer, Link's head perked up. He glared at the fish. No one dared to make a move on his woman. He'd have to break out his Bombos medallion and start tearin' shit up. 

"I don't drink. But thank you anyway." she politely declined. "My daddy told me only whores drink alcohol. Ladies sip tea." 

"Not even just a little wine cooler?" 

"Well..." 

Link just gazed back and forth at Zelda and Zora. "The Princess doesn't normally drink." he interjected, crunching down hard on a chip. 

"Relax, big guy. I'm not trying to pick up your woman. I just want to buy her a drink." Zora calmly stated. 

"Alright, Zora. You can get me a vodka and cranberry!" Zelda smiled. 

"Vodka and cranberry?!" Link barked. "But Zelda--" 

"Shut up, Link." she nonchalantly replied, sticking out her tongue. 

"One vodka and cranberry coming up." Zora left the table and headed over to the bar. "Hey Zora." he greeted the barkeep. 

"Hi Zora. What'll it be?" 

"One vodka and cranberry for Princess Zelda." 

"Aight, sounds nice." 

"Oh, and put a bit of this in it..." Zora produced a small plastic bag from his...umm...come to think about it, Zoras don't wear pants. Anyway, he pulled the bag out of somewhere and handed it over to the bartender. Inside was a white powder. 

"What's this?" 

"It'll just add a little zing to her drink." 

"You're not planning what I think you are, are you?" 

"No! Trust me, Link will thank me in the morning for it." 

"If you say so. One vodka and cranberry coming up..." 

Back at the table, Link was annoying Zelda about her sudden desire for alcohol. It was very unlike her. She was being saucy and needed to be reprimanded. Yay! 

"Gee Zelda, I hope you can hold your liquor." 

"Link, it's only one drink! What do you think I am? A cheap date?" 

"...I wish." he mumbled. "Sure, you only say one now, but soon it'll be three or four." 

"Like you should be talking about holding liquor! Who was puking his guts out a few nights ago from cheap beer?" she snarled. 

Link couldn't think of anything intelligent to say back to her. "...Uh, shut up." 

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Zelda grinned. 

Suddenly a loud, high pitched, shrieking voice ripped through the air. 

"Link! There you are, you two-timing bastard!" Out from the crowd stepped the Zora princess, Ruto. 

"Aw Jesus fucking Christ..." Link grumbled, trying to lower his head so she couldn't see him. But he was too late. She had him in her sight. 

"Who...or more aptly, _what_ the hell is that?" Zelda asked, pissed off at the unwelcome visitor. 

"I am Link's fiancee!" Ruto replied as she puffed out her chest. 

"Fiancee?!" the Hylian princess barked, glaring at Link. "You best be telling me she's lying, boy!!" 

"She's a filthy liar!" Link tried to explain, but Ruto cut him short. 

"Don't lie, you jerk! First you come here, take my mother's engagement ring, then run off to rescue this...this...hussy!" She pointed a long, scaley finger at Zelda. 

"Hey! Don't you dare call her that!" the Hero growled. "I don't even like you in that way! You've got to move on!" 

"Homewrecker!" Ruto yelled at Zelda, ignoring Link's comment. 

Link got to his feet and kept his fists down on the table. "Ruto, we are not engaged! We never were, and never will be!" 

"First I gave you the ring, then my eternal love, and this is how you repay me?!" 

"Goddammit! I don't love you! You're a fish! I'm Hylian! We're a whole different species!" 

"True love has no boundaries. You cheated on me, you asshole!" 

"I didn't cheat on you!" 

"Lie all you want, Link. Deny our love for your cheap tramp! I'll deal with you later." With that, the Zora princess left. Zelda turned and looked up at Link, who was fuming. 

"Calm down, big boy." she said, tugging on his tunic for him to sit down. 

"That crazy fish! She's insane. Nothing happened between her and I, Zelda. She's delusional!" 

"I believe you, Link. Heh, even you're not that desperate." 

Zora had finally returned with Zelda's drink. He handed it to the princess and slapped Link on the shoulder. 

"Woah, I saw what happened. Sorry about that." he sympathetically said, sitting down. 

"Yeah..." the Hero of Time muttered as he restrained himself. 

"How about we just all calm down and have a drink...or two." Zelda suggested, sipping hers. 

Let's just say that in a half hour time span, the princess had chugged down about four drinks, all courtesy of her Zora buddy with the mysterious white powder. Link watched in awe as Zelda transformed before his very eyes. 

"Tee-hee! I really like it here, Link. It's so bright and...blue." she giggled, taking a hold of his left arm. "Oh Link, your arm is so strong." She squeezed his muscles. 

"Why thank you, Zelda. It is my sword arm." 

"Not to mention your arm for--" 

"How do you know about my nightly habits?!" 

"I was gonna say it's your bow arm too. Jeez..." She slugged back a large gulp of her drink, polishing off her fourth glass in the process. 

Link couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was something very different about the princess. She wasn't acting like she was drunk, because she seemed somewhat coherent. Her speech wasn't slurred and her equilibrium was alright. He saw the difference in her eyes. Yes...she eyed him hungrily. He wasn't sure how to react. 

"How are you enjoying your drinks, Zelda?" Zora inquired as he mischievously grinned at the Hylian pair. Link weirdly stared back. He knew something was up...besides himself, of course. Ah-ha! Ah-ha! 

She didn't respond because she was too busy eyeing the Hero up and down like a pork chop. He nervously looked at her. He couldn't believe what was happening. It was almost too good to be true...and also extremely out of character for her. While it was tempting, he knew he had to keep his cool. Finally Zelda attempted to form a sentence. 

"Link...you...oh God...you...look so...so...tempting. Like a hot apple pie. With whipped cream...and a cherry on top." 

"Zelda, are you feeling alright?" he slowly questioned, pushing away her glass without her noticing. 

She answered by grabbing his tunic's collar, pulling his face close to hers. He could smell cranberries on her breath and was very tempted to snatch a kiss, but kept back. He didn't even notice his own fingers digging into the sides of his chair. Resisting Zelda was harder than dodging one of Ganon's lightning bolts to the ass. 

"You look so goddam good, Link. And you smell like...a mix between sweat and Budweiser. But I like it. It's hot..." 

"I haven't bathed in over a day...that would explain it." 

"Link, take me to my room. That's an order." The lustful nature in her blue eyes was evident, yet he couldn't disobey his princess. 

"Y-Yes, Princess." Link cautiously rose from his seat and didn't even notice that he was physically trembling for everyone to see. _...This is it, Link! Your days of being a loser have finally come to an end! She's finally yours! You're gonna get laid!!! Something isn't right though. Perhaps this is a dream...like what happened with that goddam tree branch!! Any minute now you'll wake up and..._

"Link? I'm waiting." Zelda crossed her arms. She had also stood up and was waiting for her Hero to return back from his severely damaged psyche. 

"Oh! I-I'm sorry. Umm...Zora, could you lead us to Zelda's room so I can take care of her?" 

"Yeah Link! Bring her to her bedroom and take care of her!" a bunch of Zoras cackled. Some winked at him. Others flashed him a "thumbs up". Either way, he was frightened of things to come. 

"Time to take care of that bitch, Link!" another cried. 

"Yeah, time to take care of that bitch, Link." Zelda purred. "Just throw me on the bed and tuck me in under the covers. I might get cold though...so you better stay with me." 

"I...I...I...I...I...I...okay." he stammered. 

"I'll lead you to the palace's sleeping quarters." one Zora explained. "Say 'goodnight', you two." 

"Goodnight, everyone..." Zelda wickedly smirked. 

"Thanks, everyone. We'll see you in the morning." Link politely waved as a look of uncertainty appeared across his face. Without warning, Zelda slapped him across the ass. He was shocked, yet oddly aroused. He nervously laughed at the Zoras, then walked off with his princess. 

"Hey, Zora. What the hell did you put in her drink?" one fish asked his comrade as the pair disappeared off into a hallway somewhere. 

"Heh, only the most powerful aphrodisiac known to us Zoras..." he smugly answered. 

"No shit? That's crazy!" 

"Link deserves some love! I thought I'd give him a hand." 

"It's not some date rape drug, is it?" 

"Nope. It's just something to guarantee that they'll both wake up _very_ happy in the morning..." 

So Link and Zelda were led to a nicely decorated bedroom in the palace's inner quarters by one of their Zora hosts. 

"Just holler if you need anything." he said. "You know where to find me." 

"Thanks..." Link replied. 

"No problem. Nite!" Their host walked off, leaving them alone. 

Zelda entered the room without waiting for Link. He watched, not sure what to do. 

"Well...okay, Zelda. You're safe in your room, so I'll be leaving now. Goodnight." Link was just about to run away when she spoke. 

"Get in here now." Her voice was stern and seductive at the same time. He gulped. Carefully he entered the bedroom and shut the door. She immediately darted over and grabbed him by the tunic. 

"Z-Zelda, are you alright? I think you've had a bit too much to drink and probably have absolutely no idea what you're doing right now." 

"I know exactly what I'm doing." 

"No, I don't think you do. I have a very bad feeling that you're gonna kick my ass in the morning if I go along with this." _...Link, why are you being such a fool? She's throwing herself at you! You may never have a chance like this again! You gotta take what you can get, buddy. No! I must be a gentleman. Zelda trusts me, and she's clearly not herself right now. I can't take advantage of that. Goddammit, I'm such a dork!..._

"Come here..." She started pulling him over to the bed. As much as he tried to fight it, he realized he was going to lose the battle. He began to weigh the possible outcomes. 

_...I have hot, wild monkey sex with her tonight. Okay, fine. Tomorrow morning she either cuddles up next to me or runs me through with my own sword. Ouch. I don't like that second outcome. Is one night with her really worth that?..._

"What do you have planned, Zelda?" Link stupidly asked. God, talk about a rhetorical question. 

"I told you," she explained as if she were talking to a child. Well, Link's mentality at the moment about matched a child's. "I want you to tuck me in." 

"A-Alright. I can do that. No problem." 

Zelda sat down on the bed and awaited his reaction. Link took hold of the covers and pulled them down a bit, then stared back at the princess. She didn't vocally respond, but instead looked at him the way a heroin addict would eye a needle. Wow, that was a strange metaphor. Don't go thinking that the author is a drug addict, because she's not. I just like colorful terminology. I also like rainbows and kittens. 

"What are you waiting for, hero?" she mockingly cracked at him. 

"Err, never mind. I was just lost in thought." Link got a sudden mental image of a mouse trying to find its way through a maze. At the end was a piece of cheese. Instead of navigating through the numerous pathways in order to reach the food, Link's mouse kept slamming his head over and over into a wall until he saw double. Lost in thought. Right... 

"I can't wait any longer! Come here!" Zelda reached up and pulled the Hero of Time down on top of her, causing every single one of Link's brain cells to explode out of excitement. He wordlessly looked down at her, too shocked to say anything. The princess giggled back at him and wrapped her arms around his back. "Why do you look so startled?" 

"I-I'm not startled." he nervously replied. His eyes were roaming Zelda's body like a smorgasbord, not sure of where to look first. _...Gotta stay in control, Link! This is the alcohol talking, not your actual bitchy princess. But she's totally ready to go! Ouch! Damn blonde hair! I'm thinking too much again..._

"I believe you're pondering about this too much, Link." Zelda pressed her fingertips against his lips and laughed. "You seem to stall at the best situations and go forward at the worst." 

"Heh...yeah, that's me. I do everything ass backwards." 

"Want to do me that way too?" 

Her question was so subtly said that it caused Link to do a double take. _...She did NOT just ask me that question, oh, she did NOT just ask it! Jesus Christ, I can't take it anymore!! Link, gain control, you horny beast! I can't! She's begging me shag her! I'd have to be deaf, dumb, blind, quadriplegic, legally insane, and quite frankly, dead, to resist her!... _

"E-Excuse me, Princess? What did you just say?" _...Let me hear you say it again, Zelda! I wanna hear you say how badly you want me!..._

"Do you have an excessive buildup of wax in your ears, hero? I thought you wanted this." she smugly smirked, running her fingers through his hair. Her motions knocked Link's trademark green sock-cap off his head and triggered him to begin purring. "There...that's more like it." 

"Oh Zelda, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this." 

"Then kiss me." 

He began to move his face closer to hers and was just about to plant one on her lips when he pulled away. 

"No, this is bad. I can't." __

"Goddamit, Link! I'm not tempting enough for you?" 

"Oh no, Princess, trust me, it's not you." 

"Then what is it?" 

"....Okay, it is you." 

"What's wrong?" she smiled. Her lips found their way to the side of his neck, where she proceeded to brush them against his skin. Link felt his eyes roll back into his skull as mental images of sugar plums danced in his head. It was delightful. Without alarming him, she pushed him off of her and onto his back. Then like she would do to any good horsey, she straddled him. Hehe! Link, the Hylian Stallion! ....Sweet merciful crap, that had to be the worst word play pun I have ever written. It didn't even rhyme! _Hylian Stallion?! What the fuck?!_ Isn't there a name for phrases like that which don't quite rhyme but are supposed to be that way or something? Ugh, I'll be expecting Fed-Ex envelopes loaded with anthrax to come to my front door now for writing that. If any of you have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm rambling about now--good. Let me redeem myself. 

Link remained silent as Zelda happily sat on top of his "danger zone". _...I hope she doesn't feel my massive hard on! Oh God, she's got to! I'm so giddy I could puke!..._

Her hands began to roam up and down his chest. "Ohh...you're so muscular, Link." 

"Yeah, being a hero does that to you." 

"Take your hot, sexy green tunic off." she bluntly commanded. "I prefer you in your pretty blue one. It brings out your eyes. But right now, I'd like to bring out something else of yours." 

Link whimpered. He felt like a caged rat, waiting to be fed to a hungry boa constrictor. Indeed, he had been hoping for such a moment over the past ten years, and now when he finally got it, he clammed up. 

"I-I can't do that." 

"You can't take your tunic off? Didn't your mother teach you how to undress, silly hero?" 

"Err, no. She died when I was a baby. Remember? The accident involving the pyromaniac and the haystack?" 

"Oh yes, how could I forget?" she frowned, leaning in closer. "Forget I asked that. Now, are you ready to make our fantasies a reality or what?" 

Link's attention had turned to a long lock of Zelda's blonde hair that was now resting on his cheek. It felt so soft against his skin, and smelled like Herbal Essences Fruit Fusion shampoo. 

"Your hair smells really pretty..." he mindlessly commented with an silly grin. 

"Do you want to find out what the rest of me smells like, Hero?" 

".....YES!!" Link had finally snapped. Without warning, he grabbed a hold of Zelda and quickly reversed the situation once again. 

"It's about damn time, Hero!" the princess moved in to kiss him when he opened up his black hole of a mouth and began to speak somewhat coherently. 

"Zelda, I've always had this fantasy about you." 

"Oh, really? Well tell me about it." 

"It involves me, you, and whipped cream." 

"It does?" Her eyes lit up. "That certainly is kinky." 

"Do you mind if I do something first before we get started?" 

"You've already been stalling enough. Sure, I can wait a few more minutes." 

"Oh goody!" Link hopped off the bed and darted over to the bedroom door. He quickly opened it and stuck his head out. Down the hall a Zora guard was on watch. "Ah, perfect! Hey, Mr. Zora Guard Dude!" 

The fish picked his head up and looked at Link. 

"Yes, sir?" 

"Umm...can you come here?" 

"If you wish." So the guard made his way over to the Hero of Time. "How may I help you, sir?" 

"Do you guys happen to have any containers of whipped cream around here?" 

The fish found the request odd, but slowly began to shake his head affirmatively. "I believe there may be some in the royal kitchens." 

"...Could you hook us up with a few?" 

"I-If you wish, sir. I'll be right back." 

"Delightful!" Link chirped, slamming the door shut in the Zora's face. 

Unaware that the Hero wasn't alone in the room, the guard began to mutter to himself, "That boy should get a girlfriend soon. If Princess Zelda found out about his bizarre behavior, she'd probably have him euthanized." 

Meanwhile, both the guard and Link didn't know that someone had been eavesdropping on them. Hiding behind a marble pillar, the Zora princess was fuming. Apparently she had been stalking the castle, trying to find her Hylian fiancee when she stumbled upon the whipped cream conversation. She had found her man all right, but he was about to get freaky with another woman. That shit didn't fly with Ruto. 

"Hmph! I'll show that two-timing bastard!" 

Just as the Zora guard began walking down the hall to fulfill Link's peculiar request, Ruto grabbed a vase from off a table and broke it over the guard's head as he passed by. The poor guy fell down to the floor, out cold. Ruto stepped out from behind the pillar and glared at Link's closed bedroom door. 

"I'll get your fucking whipped cream, you schmuck!" She wrung her hands together, then took a hold of the guard's feet. Careful not to awake him, she dragged him behind the pillar so no one would notice. After he was taken care of, she kicked the vase shards into the nearest corner. "I'll be right back with your order, sir." she growled as she disappeared down the hallway. 

Back inside the room, things were going swell. Zelda was cuddling in Link's arms and listening to him babble on about his adventures. It was a good way to kill the time before the real party got started. 

"...So that's the story about what happened to me when I ventured into the Dark World without my Magic Mirror." Link said. 

"You must've been one hot bunny rabbit." 

"You're damn straight, Zelda." 

"Oh Link, what's taking him so long?" the princess cooed. She adjusted herself so that she'd be facing her hero. "I'm so _horny_!" 

"Me too." Link wickedly smirked, squeezing Zelda. He started to move in to kiss her when a knock on the door interrupted them. "Oh, the whipped cream's here!" 

"Hurry up and get it!" 

"I shall!" 

Another knock came, but this time it was louder and faster. 

"I'm coming!" Link called. He got up off the bed and trotted over to the door. "Geez, who lit a fire under his ass?" he chuckled, shooting Zelda one last glance. Giddily, he opened up the door. "It's about time--" 

Link was greeted by a strong blast of whipped cream straight into the eyes. "Oh my God, I can't see! My eyes!" He staggered into the room and stumbled onto the floor and began to twitch around wildly. Zelda instantly got to her feet when she saw the intruder enter the room. 

"What the hell do you want, Ruto?!" Zelda shrieked. 

"Ruto?! What in God's name did she do to me?!" the fallen hero cried, still trying to remove the whipped cream away from his eyes. 

"You and I have unfinished business." Ruto threw down the empty whipped cream container and fixated her gaze upon the Hylian princess. "I'm gonna kick your boney blonde ass!" 

Fortunately enough for Zelda, the aphrodisiac's effect was still strong, and she didn't begin to whine and scream like she normally would've. 

"Fine, bitch. I accept your challenge." 

"Zelda, what's going on?" Link asked, alarmed and still blinded. 

"Shut up, Link. I'll handle this bitch." 

"Fuck you, you cocktease!" Ruto barked, pointing at Zelda. "All you do is lead Link on, pretending that he'll get a piece of it when in actuality you're just messing with his head. It doesn't matter anymore, because I'm gonna take the both of you out!" 

"I'd like to see your scaley ass try, bitch. After I'm through with you, you can go find Nemo and send him my regards." 

"Zelda!" Link warned. "Don't do anything brash!" 

"You shut the hell up too, Link! Once I kill your Hylian skank of a girlfriend, I'm gonna castrate you and send your balls to Ganon!" Ruto produced a small knife from out of her...er...hidden pocket. I keep forgetting Zoras don't wear clothes. She then aimed it at Zelda. "We'll have us a knife fight." 

"If you wish." 

"Zelda, help me! I'll take care of her!" the disabled Hero of Time whined. "Jesus Christ, what the hell was in this whipped cream?! I can't see!!!" 

The princess ignored her hero's plea and searched for a weapon of her own. Ruto gleamed as she watched the defenseless Hylian. Then, something big and shiney caught Zelda's eye. She leaned down and picked up the Master Sword, which Link had placed on a chair on the side of the room. The Zora's eyes bugged out. 

"Yes. A knife fight is exactly what we'll have." 

"Zelda! Did you just grab my sword? Put it down!" Link yelled to deaf ears. 

"C'mon, bitch. Come and get it." Zelda purred, holding the weapon with both hands because it was too heavy to hold with just one. She didn't know how to use the damn thing, but she'd sure as shit learn quickly. "I'll carve you up into fishsticks and serve you for dinner, along with ketchup and french fried potatoes." 

"Grr! I'm gonna ram that sword so far up your ass that it'll come out of your mouth!" Ruto charged at Zelda, knife wielded high above her head. She looked like Norman Bates from the movie Psycho. (That was the obvious movie reference for all simpletons.) Zelda braced herself and got prepared to attack. 

"Swing away, Zelda! Swing away!" Link exclaimed from his hiding spot. He had scampered over to the side of the bed while the ladies were exchanging verbal blows. He felt completely helpless as the whipped cream stung his eyes. He prayed to Din that Zelda would whoop Ruto's behind. 

The Zora was coming at Zelda fast, and the Hylian princess reacted hastily. She darted out of the way, causing Ruto to go flying into the wall. Raising the Master Sword, she went to stab the demented fish, but the Zora dodged her swing and jumped onto the bed. Instead, the sword hit a small coffee table, splitting it in two. 

"Holy shit, this thing's powerful!" Zelda squeaked, staring in disbelief at the weapon. 

"Watch it with my sword, Zelda!" Link butted in. 

"I don't care how scary that damn thing is, I'm gonna stab your eyes out!" Ruto hurled herself off the bed and attempted to jump on top of Zelda. "Get ready to become as blind as your elf boyfriend!" 

"What's going on here?!" a high pitched, shrilly voice screeched. Navi the faerie had finally found the room where her comrades had gone to ditch her. Her small eyes bugged out when she surveyed the scene. Ruto got distracted at the faerie's cry, allowing Zelda to dodge her a second time. 

"Navi! Help me!" Link helplessly wailed from his hiding place. "Zelda needs me, and I can't frickin' see!" 

"Hmm..." the sadistic faerie wordlessly watched the two princesses duke it out in the room. "I dunno, Link. This is awfully interesting to watch." 

"Don't you run away from me, bitch!" the Zora yelped as she grabbed onto Zelda's dress, causing the Hylian to suddenly jerk and fall flat onto her back. "Haha! I bet Link would love to see you now! Too bad he's...incapacitated." Ruto snickered as she leaned over her victim. 

"Yes, but it's me who he wants to see flat on her back and not you, shit-for-brains." smirked Zelda. In a flash, she sent a punch flying into the air. It came into contact with Ruto's jaw, knocking the fish a few steps back, stunning her. 

"Woo-hoo! I didn't think that prissy stuck-up witch had it in her, but she's kicking ass!" Navi cheered. She buzzed around Link's head, totally ignoring his requests for help. "You know, Link? First I was gonna bet everything on Ruto, but Zelda's really spunky tonight! Did you get her drunk in order to have your sick, perverted way with her? I thought you had more class than that!" 

"No! Zelda's not drunk! I have no idea what's up with her. She's been acting funny ever since dinnertime!" Link answered. "And I still can't see! Navi, you better help me, you roach!" 

"Fine, fine! You whine just like a girl. Hold still..." 

Meanwhile, the two feisty females were still out for the kill. The Zora princess was again chasing Zelda around the room with her knife. The Master Sword was now lost from Zelda's hands, leaving her defenseless. 

"I'm gonna carve up that pretty little face of yours, just like a Thanksgiving turkey!" Ruto screamed, cornering her enemy. "What are you gonna do now? What _are_ you gonna do?" 

"Err...uhh...Judo chop!" Zelda's quick reaction caught Ruto off guard. She sent another punch at the fish, but this time she whacked her right in the arm. The knife the fish was holding fell to the floor, and before Ruto could reach for it, Zelda kneed her in the nose. Do Zoras even have noses? Oh well, they do now. 

"Ouch, my nose job!" she wailed, covering her face in pain. Zelda took the chance to attack. She jumped on top of the Zora, forcing herself onto the fish's back. The two girls landed on the floor with a loud thud. Zelda got off and began to drag Ruto over to the bedroom door. "What are you doing, you stupid blonde?!" 

Without a word, Zelda opened up the door slightly and proceeded to pull Ruto's head into its opening. 

"Hey!" Ruto cried again. "What are you gonna do?!" 

The Hylian princess raised an eyebrow. "It must be time for lunch, because you're about to get served!" With that, she slammed the door into Ruto's head. The fish yelped in pain. She then continued to do it again. And again. And again! 

"Jesus Christ, Zelda, stop it!" came an alarmed voice from behind her. The princess felt Link's arms wrap themselves around her and yank her away from the Zora. "You served her! It's over!" 

"That goddam fish better never mess with me again!" 

"She won't!" Link, with the aid of Navi, finally got his sight back. He couldn't believe the damage done to the room thanks to the two princesses, and not to mention the damage done to Ruto herself. "Ruto, are you alright?" 

The dazed fish hastily got to her feet and darted out of the room before Link could do anything. The Hero of Time and Zelda peeked out the door and watched Ruto as she staggered down the hallway, unconciously slam into a wall, and then vanish out of sight. 

Link directed his attention to Zelda. 

"Goddam Princess, I've never knew you had it in you!" He couldn't help but smirk. She had just kicked the living crap out of the Zora princess, but her display of violence turned him on. "Kiss me!" 

Zelda silently stared at him. Link frowned. 

"I guess that's a 'no', huh?" 

"You guessed correctly." 

"Oh well. At least I tried. Now we gotta get this room cleaned up before one of those Zoras sees what you did to it!" 

"Zelda, you pack quite a punch for a stuck-up, spoiled brat!" Navi chirped. The faerie was perched on one of the bedposts and waved at the princess. "Makes me kind of want to respect you, but just a little bit. You're still a neurotic sociopath...but you're one who kicks ass!" 

The Hylian princess ignored Navi's comment. 

"I'm going to bed." 

"But Zelda, you still don't want to...y'know..." Link started to sway back and forth on his heels and his eyes were glued to the floor. He continued to ramble on. "I'm still up for it if you are. I can just kick Navi out and-" 

"Good-night, Link." She didn't even wait for his reply and collapsed on the bed, shutting her eyes instantly. 

The Hero of Time ignored the snickering faerie and shook his head. "It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed." he muttered. 

"You can sleep next to me if you want." the princess suddenly interjected. Apparently the effects of the aphrodisiac were wearing off, but weren't completely gone yet. In her right state of mind, Zelda would have said something along the lines of, "Eww! Boy cooties!" or "Red plus yellow makes orange." 

"I-I can?" 

"Yeah sure." 

"Happy happy! Joy joy!" He scampered over to the bed and rested down next to the princess. 

"Just keep a polite distance between us, all right Hero?" 

"As you wish." Link smiled. 

"Isn't this cute? I better get the lights before I throw up." Navi sighed to herself, blowing out the candles in the room. After, she cutely positioned herself next to Link and put her dainty head down. 

"Hey, Zelda?" Link began. 

"Hmm?" came her groggy response. 

"How are we going to explain this tomorrow?" 

"We'll worry about it then. I just need to get some sleep." 

"Alright." He grew silent, but began to think in the darkness (not that fucking annoying glam rock band). _...Looks like this is the furthest I'm ever going to get with Zelda on this trip. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. I'll get her. Oh yes, one day, I will get her. She will be mine! But for now... _Link held up his left hand. He couldn't see it in the blackness of the room, but it did not matter. It was there._ ...I have a new best friend! Tee-hee!..._

"Link, put that thing down." both Navi and Zelda butted in. 

The Hero was startled. "H-How'd you-" 

"Link, just put it down." Zelda repeated. 

He wordlessly obeyed his princess. _...Blast! Foiled again!..._

The trio eventually fell asleep. Somehow during the night, Link and Zelda had gone from sleeping on opposite sides of the bed to gradually sleeping in each other's arms. By the next morning, they were entwined together, cuddling closely. Poor Navi had moved on top of one of the bedposts to sleep. 

Chattering outside the bedroom door caused Zelda to awaken first. She slowly opened up her eyes, ignoring Link's sleeping face extremely close to her own. Yawning, she moved away from him and sat up. Then it hit her. The room was trashed. Navi was asleep on the bed...and so was Link. _...Wait! This isn't my bedroom at Hyrule Castle! Oh--that's right. I've been traveling with Link. But...but how the hell did I get here?!..._ Zelda nervously pondered, turning her head to and fro, surveying the badly damaged room. _...I've never seen this room before! Why the hell is he snuggled so close to me?!..._ She then looked down at herself. Her hair was matted and sticking to her face and neck, and there were bruises forming on her arms. She also had a splitting headache, and a horrible-or was it wonderful?-thought came to her. 

"LINK!!" she screamed. Navi, at the princess' outburst, fell off the bedpost and Link was jerked out of a deep sleep. 

"W-Wha-What?!" he stuttered as he struggled to sit up. 

"What happened last night?!" Zelda demanded. 

He froze. Obviously she had no recollection of the events from the previous night. He had to make up an excuse, and fast! There was no way he could tell her about how she threw herself at him. As quickly as he had woken up, an idea came to him. 

"You got very drunk." he lied. 

"Did you try to fondle me?" 

Navi had to hold back a laugh at Zelda's question. Link bit his lower lip as hard as he could to prevent him from saying something totally retarded. 

"N-no, of course not!" He said it so firmly that she actually believed him for once. 

"Goddammit!" Navi ranted. "Can't a faerie ever get some rest? First, I had to get whipped cream out of Link's eyes after he was sprayed by that demented fish! Then, I had to endure the sickingly sweet scene of you and Link cuddling next to each other like a pair of newborn, brain-dead puppies! It's a wonder I got any rest at all! And then _you_-"She flew circles around Zelda's head. "-knock me off the bedpost!" 

The faerie's cries went unnoticed by the princess. 

"I got drunk?" she asked, very surprised at herself. 

"Yup. Don't worry, Princess. It happens to the best of us." Link sighed, resting back down on the bed. 

"Oh my. I can't believe it." 

"Yeah Zelda, and you kicked the royal crap out of Princess Ruto!" Navi yelled, perching herself on the bedpost again. "Just look at you!" 

"I did what?!" 

Link gulped, and continued to build his web of deceit. "Don't listen to her, Zelda. You didn't do that!" 

"How could you say that, Link?!" Navi angrily began to scream. "She-" 

"Nothing happened, Navi." Link growled. His eyes were glaring right at the faerie. She got frightened and quickly shut her trap. 

"Well, I certainly made an ass out of myself last night." Zelda said, resting next to Link. Looking down, she noticed the bruises on her arms. "Link?" 

"Yeah, Princess?" 

"Why do I have bruises on my arms?!" she asked, alarmed. Navi snickered and covered her mouth with her tiny hands. 

Link immediately fabricated another lie. "Err...I had to 'restrain' you a couple of times." 

"Yeah, restrain you from slamming Ruto's head in the door." Navi chuckled. 

The Hero of Time glared at her a second time. One thing was for sure. Navi was gonna die. 

"Huh?" Zelda raised an eyebrow. 

"Navi also had too much to drink. You know how badly alcohol can go through something as small as a faerie's system. She's completely intoxicated, Zelda. Look at her, she can't even balance on the bedpost. Her equilibrium's totally off." Link explained, keeping his gaze fixed on Navi the entire time. 

"Oh Link, please don't tell my dad about this! If he finds out about my insolent behavior, I'll get a spanking!" Zelda pleaded, tugging on Link's collar. 

The Hero sat up and grinned at her words. "Ohh, do I also get to give you a spanking?" 

"Link!" 

"Oh, c'mon! Princess, you're twenty years old. Do you honestly think he's gonna spank you now?" 

"Knowing Daddy, yes." 

"Your secret's safe with me, Princess." Link shrugged with a smile. 

"But not with me!" Navi wickedly yelled, flying around the couple. 

"Navi!" Zelda desperately begged. "Please don't tell!" She couldn't believe she was pleading to the little roach. 

"Oh Zelda, don't you worry. Navi won't say a word." Link eyed the faerie again. "But if she does, I'll kill her." Link said it so nonchalantly that he sounded dead serious. He smiled at Navi, who in turn scowled back. She wouldn't put it passed him to flip out one day and squash her with the TV Guide. 

"Why thank you, Link. I know my dirty secret's safe now." Zelda happily said, getting out of bed. 

"Getting up so early, Princess?" he asked. 

"Yes. I'd like to leave very soon. The sooner we get to Death Mountain, the sooner we get my kitty and return home." 

"I agree." _...Yes! And the sooner I get to sleep in my own bed! Woo-hoo!..._

"I need some fresh air. I'm spent." Navi flew out of the room through the door's keyhole. 

"Sounds like a good idea." Zelda faced Link. "Hey Hero, could you go fetch me some water? I'm thirsty." 

"Anything for you, Zelda." Link stood up and stretched. "And while I'm at it, I'm going to pay a visit to the little boy's room. I'll be right back..if I can find it." He exited the room and gently shut the door. 

The princess began to throw the bed-sheets together when a knock on the door interrupted her. She quickly answered it, figuring it was her hero. 

"Oh Link, that was quick-" 

She was shocked to see a Zora guard standing there. 

"Sorry to disturb you, your Highness." He bowed his head. "There has been a horrible occurrence in Zora's Domain." 

"Oh no! What happened?" 

"You better read this." He handed her a small scroll, then gravely looked at her. "You're welcome to attend the funeral. Tell your boyfriend too." 

"Funeral?" she questioned, opening up the scroll. 

"I'll leave you to read the tragic news on your own." the Zora guard waddled away. Zelda closed the door and took a seat on the bed. She began to read the scroll out loud. 

"'Zoras, there has been a terrible happening in our humble Domain. Princess Ruto, 20, was found dead this morning. Her head was rammed into the toilet bowl hole. She died of asphyxiation, holding her breath as she flushed the toilet repeatedly. The motive behind her death was suicide. At least she had the decency not to blow her brains out or impale herself with a sharp object, as blood is rather difficult to remove from carpets. She left behind a cryptic note, which contained only these words: I ended it all because I got served. I could not handle such humiliation at the hands of another woman. From the toilet I did come, from the toilet I will return. Love you all. Hugs and kisses, Ruto. A funeral mass will be held today in the chapel at 12:00 p.m., followed by a party at Jack's Bar & Grille. Sincerely, King Zora.'" 

Zelda's jaw dropped. She panicked. 

"Oh my God, it's true! I did kick her ass! I can't let Link find out about her death, because he'll take all the blame like the martyr that he is! We better get out of here, and fast!" She rolled the scroll back up, but before she could hide it, Link returned with her water. 

"Hey Princess, what's that?" 

"...Nothing!" She hid it behind her back, but he playfully tried to grab it away from her. 

"Come on, Zelda. Tell me!" he laughed, cornering her. 

"Well...it's a letter from Daddy." 

"From your father?" Link asked. "But how does he know we're here?" 

"Umm...he's the king of Hyrule, remember? He knows everything! Maybe word spread back to Hyrule Castle that we were here. You know how quickly news spreads through the waterways." 

"Yeah, true. Well, what does he want?" 

"He wants us to hurry back very soon! He misses us dearly!" Zelda was just as good of a liar as Link. 

"When does he want us back?" 

"_Very_ soon! So we should leave now!" 

"Now?!" 

"NOW!" She pushed him towards the door. 

"Shouldn't we thank the Zora king?" Link turned his head, puzzled. 

"I already did while you were taking a leak." 

"But on my behalf-" 

"I did that too! Now let's leave!" 

"Zelda, why are you in such a hurry?" Link barked, turning around to face her. Quickly she did what she did best. Seducing him, she smiled sweetly and wrapped her arms around his neck. 

"Link, we can't disobey my daddy. He expects us back very soon. Now, you don't want to upset the king of Hyrule, do you?" 

Link was lost in her beautiful blue eyes. She could have told him to jump off Ganon's Tower and he would have done so. "N-No, of course not." he stammered. All he heard were birds singing and wedding bells ringing. 

"Well then, let's go!" Zelda pushed him again. 

So they hurriedly left Zora's Domain. Link wondered why they didn't see any Zoras on their way out. 

"Hey, where is everyone?" Link asked Zelda as he mounted Epona. 

"Oh, they're just floating around--literally. Now let's leave!" She practically pushed Link off the horse because she got on so fast. 

"I'll just have to write King Zora a nice thank-you note." Link smiled. 

"Yes, you go do that." She then smacked poor Epona's behind. "Ye-haw, horsey! Move!!" 

"Zora's such a nice guy, isn't he? I mean, he let us stay-" 

"Link move your ass and let's get the hell out of here!!" Zelda screeched, pounding her fists on his back. Link was surprised by her command. He turned to look at her. 

"Oh, why so much hostility, Zelda? Anxious to get home?" 

"Yes!" 

"Well okay, but you have to promise that as soon as we get home, you'll give me a nice, sloppy kiss on the lips! With tongue this time!" 

_...Yeah yeah, goddamit, Link! I'll get on my knees right now and blow you if that's what it's gonna take for you to move this damn horse!_...She angrily thought. 

"Yeah sure," she answered. 

"You mean it, Zelda? And it's got to be on the lips! No 'kissing me on the forehead' bullshit like last time." 

"Yeah on the lips. Now GO!" 

"Alright!" he cried as he kicked Epona, signaling her to start galloping. Link began to start talking about how he wanted the kiss while they rode across the pretty countryside. "Okay Zelda, listen up. It's gotta be nice and slow. Lots of slurping and tongue! Lots of that! I want slobber all over my face! ...Zelda, are you listening?" 

"Yes I am, you dork." 

"Good! Then maybe if I'm lucky, you'll let me touch you while I do it. Y'know what I mean? I see couples do it all the time. The guy lets his hand wander. That's what I want!" 

"Link, there's a huge difference between what you want and what you'll get!" 

"Shit Zelda, you tellin' me." he muttered under his breath. Smirking, he picked up his head and gazed over at the mountains. Awaiting on top of one was Ganon. That fat bastard was probably sitting on his Lazy Boy recliner, watching old reruns of The Golden Girls on the Lifetime network. _...Heh, I'm gonna take his official Bea Arthur fan club poster and burn it! I'll make him watch as I do it! That's what he's gonna get for messing with me for the umpteenth time. All I want is my kiss...Ganon, you best be watchin' out for the Hero of Time, because he's gonna kick your ass! Am I not merciful, bitch?!!...._

I hope you all enjoyed this labor of love! The next chapter is already in the works, so it should be up shortly...or at least in a shorter amount of time than it took me to post this chapter! 


	8. Crazy Abe & Death Mountain

Chapter Eight: Crazy Abe & Death Mountain

Link continued to prattle on as he and Zelda rode around Hyrule Field in circles. The princess had rested her head on the hero's back and shut her eyes. She had stopped paying attention to Link's rambling about ten minutes ago and wanted to get some shut-eye. The Hero of Time didn't realize that his audience had fallen asleep and proceeded to talk a mile a minute. 

"Gosh, Zelda. I can't wait until we get home! I'm so exhausted. I could use a long bubble bath with my rubber ducky. A nice massage wouldn't hurt either..." 

You're probably expecting the author to make a vulgar comment here, but it's just too easy to, so I'll leave it at that. ...Oh, I can't help myself!!! 

_...Hee-hee! A massage from you Zelda... _Link began to daydream, making believe he was actually having a conversation with the princess. _...You could massage my back if you like, but I had something else in mind...What do I mean, Zelda? Must I explain myself?... _He had to stifle in a laugh, but Zelda felt the vibrations on his back and opened her eyes. 

"Link, what the hell are you thinking about?" 

He was shocked at her question and quickly cleared his mind of any naughty thoughts. "N-Nothing, Zelda! Just imaging that we're back at the castle right now." 

"Oh..." She made a face, not believing him for an instant. She knew Link could be a huge pervert and had a dirty mind that could rival your average fourteen your old boy's. Picking up her head, Zelda noticed something strange in the distance. "Hey, Link?" 

"Yes, Princess?" 

"Look over there, by that tree." 

"What about it? Aw, I know! You want me to pull over by it so we can share that kiss a little earlier than expected!" 

"In your wet dreams, you fruitcake! I mean look in its branches." 

"...Yes, you're right." Link peered at the direction Zelda had pointed to. "Someone's dangling by their underwear!" 

"We have to help them!" 

"Yes! The Hero of Time-once again-goes off make another daring rescue!" He put on his stupid hero-sounding voice and drew his sword, raising it high into the air. "Hurry Epona! Fly, my mighty steed! Run as fast as your little hooves can carry you!" 

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Aw jeez, cut the drama, you asshole." 

Link ignored Zelda's term of endearment and trotted his horsey over to the tree. Hanging there, of all people, was Ganon. He had gotten his long, fruity purplish robe entangled in some branches and was dangling there helplessly. The Prince of Darkness caught sight of the duo approaching him and began screaming. 

"AW, GODDAMIT! FIRST I END UP IN SOME TREE, AND NOW I GET TO BE RESCUED BY THE GREEN ELF AND HIS BIMBO SIDEKICK!" 

Link and Zelda stopped in front of the tree and wordlessly stared up at their arch-nemesis. Then, as if on cue, they bursted out laughing hysterically. 

"STOP LAUGHING AT ME, YOU CREATURES OF INFERIOR INTELLECT!" Ganon's wails went unanswered, as the two Hylians continued to chuckle away. "...LINK, STOP LAUGHING BEFORE I..." 

"Before you what?" the hero managed to question between giggles. 

"BEFORE I...I...DO SOMETHING DRASTIC!" 

"Like what? Fall out of that tree and crush us?" 

"GRR! I SWEAR LINK, GOD WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!" 

Link laughed even harder at Ganon's outburst. "Haha! Trust me, Ganon, he already has! Look at me! I'm the biggest loser in all of Hyrule! I can't even get laid by the chick I've rescued multiple times over the past ten years!" Zelda glared angrily at him for that comment, but he continued to make an ass out of himself anyway. "I really am a dork! I--why the hell am I laughing? This isn't funny!" 

"QUIT DIGGING YOUR HOLE DEEPER, YOU TWIT! NOW, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" 

"Well, should we save him?" Zelda asked, peeking over Link's shoulder. 

"Hmm...I'm not sure yet." Link responded, turning his head to see the princess. He shrugged his shoulders, then looked up at Ganon. "How the hell did you end up in that tree anyway?" 

The Evil Incarnation of Darkness sighed heavily and began talking in a normal tone of voice for once. "Well, if you _must_ know, impudent Hylian, I was trying to morph onto the set of the hit TV show 'The Golden Girls' to get Bea Arthur's autograph-I LOVE BEA ARTHUR-when I found myself in this TREE!" 

"I don't see any Golden Girls wandering around here. Do you, Zelda?" Link playfully began to search the Field, holding one hand above his eyes to shield them from the sun. 

"Nope Link, I don't!" she chimed in. 

"DAMN YOU, LINK! MAY MISS PIGGY DAMN YOUR WEAK, PATHETIC SOUL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!! ...Now, help me out of this tree, will ya?" 

"Mmmmmm....no." 

"NO?! BUT HOW CAN I BE AN EVIL, TYRANNICAL RULER AND SCARE THE VILLAGERS WHEN I'M STUCK IN THIS BLASTED TREE?!" 

"I don't know. That isn't my problem!" 

"LINK! HOW CAN I BE YOUR ARCH-NEMESIS IF I CAN'T DO ANYTHING DIABOLICALLY EVIL?! LINK, THINK FOR ONCE, YOU FREAKISH EXCUSE FOR MASCULINITY, YOU!" 

"You know, Ganon," Link said. "You really should take classes on how to politely address people. Calling them names is not going to get you any friends!" 

"Hey Link, let's just point, stare, and laugh at him some more!" Zelda chirped, squeezing him around the waist. For Link, her hands felt super. 

"Good idea!" So the two lifted up their arms, pointed, and proceeded to laugh at the villain. "Hahahahahahahahaha! Oink Oink! Hahahahaha!" 

"YOU DUMBASSES!" Ganon shrieked, interrupting their heckling. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" 

"Nope, sorry Ganon. It's game over for you." Link urged Epona to turn around. "Come on, Zelda. Let's go!" 

"YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TURN AROUND AND LEAVE YOUR GOOD BUDDY HANGING ON A LIMB-LITERALLY?!" 

"You guessed it!" Link called as they galloped away. 

Ganon shook his fists with rage. Or was that fists of fury? Or streets of rage? Bah! "I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY, LINK! YOU AND THOSE HIDEOUS, CLASHING TUNICS YOU WEAR!" His voice lowered suddenly. "Yes, you may be a loser now Link, but I'll change that. When you and your bimbo arrive at my castle and see the love nest that awaits you, you'll be a little boy no longer. You'll die a true man! I'm actually doing you a favor, Link. (Ganon was insane and talking to himself by this point) Now, HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE?!" 

Meanwhile, Link and Zelda were once again trotting off into the sunset. Well, it wasn't really into the sunset, since it was still mid-morning. I should try avoiding cliches here, people. 

"Did you see the look on that pig's face when you told him 'no'?" Zelda squealed, practically bopping up and down in her seat. 

"Yeah! That fat fuck better not mess with me anytime soon!" Link chuckled. "How the hell does he manage to teleport all over Hyrule, yet he can't get out of a tree?" 

"Link, you're referring to the _same_ goon who has used the _same_ exact plan repeatedly for ten years in efforts to kidnap me and the Triforce. Don't you think he'd learn by now?" 

"Jeez, I know! It's getting kind of boring, actually. He needs to spice it up a notch." 

"What the hell are you two nitwits laughing at?" an obnoxious voice butted in. Navi zipped out of her hiding place in Link's pouch and flew around the couple's heads. "Did I hear Ganon before?" 

"Oh, hi Flying Infection." the princess frowned. _...Dammit! Link and I were having so much fun too, and this bitch had to come and ruin it! Where's a fly swatter when you need it?..._

"That was indeed Ganon before, Navi." Link answered. "You missed it. The jerk was stuck in a tree and couldn't get out!" 

"And you didn't tell me?" the faerie snapped. "Link, I would've so wanted to see that!" 

"You shouldn't have been snoozin' then." Zelda commented, hugging Link around the waist for a second time. 

The Hero of Time beamed brightly when he felt the princess' touch. _...Keep squeezing me like that, Zelda. Just do me a favor and lower your hands a bit...like...between my thighs low...oh yeah Zelda, who's your daddy?..._

"What in Din's name are you grinning at, you sick, twisted little elf?!" Navi had gotten upset that she missed the festivities from earlier and decided to take it out on Link. 

"Mind your own business, Navi." he shot back. 

"Ohh! You get me so angry, Link! I don't know whether to kiss you or cast a spell on you that makes you vomit uncontrollably like the guy from Crank Yankers!" 

"Can't you can it for a bit, Navi?" Zelda chirped. "Link's tired and doesn't need you screeching like a miniature banshee in his ear. What he needs is some tender, loving care." _...Oh, I'm feeling like a bad girl! I just want to squeeze his nuts! I can't do that though, but I can get awfully close..._ Zelda, allowing her wild side to take over, let one of her hands slip from Link's waist and rested it on his right inner thigh. 

Link literally squealed like a schoolgirl when he felt Zelda's hand and arched his back in pleasure. "Tee-hee, Zelda! What did I do to deserve this?" He sheepishly giggled. 

"You're just being your lovable, bumbling self." 

"Ack!" Navi hissed when she saw the pair's risque interaction. "Link, you should be asking yourself what you did to deserve THIS!" Out from her tiny, faerie-sized hand, she sent a thunder-shock (whatever that was) right at Link. It hit his shoulder, sending him flying off Epona and onto the hard ground. Upon seeing the fallen hero, both ladies started guffawing wildly. 

"Ouch!" Link cried. "That really hurt! I-I think I broke something! Why are you two laughing at me?!" No response from the girls as they continued cracking up at his misfortune. "Stop it! I think I broke my butt bone again! It feels like my ass has gone numb!" 

"Hehe!" Navi squeaked. "That's what you get for fucking around, you horny beast!" 

"F-Fucking around? It was Zelda's fault!" 

"Don't blame me, hero!" the princess spoke while trying to hold back more laughter. 

"Navi, once I regain my strength, I'm going to step on you!" Link roared, attempting to sit up. He winced in pain. "Goddamit! My ass _really_ hurts!" 

"That's what you get for having a white boy, boney ass, Link." the faerie snickered, flying above his head. 

"Hahaha--fuck you both! Help me up!" 

"You're such a bitch when you're angry!" 

"He's worse than me!" Zelda interjected. She dismounted Epona and stood over the Hero of Time. "C'mon, let's get you up." 

"Please!" he growled, offering up his hand for her to take. She did and yanked him up with all her might. As soon as he got to his feet, he immediately buckled under the pressure of his own weight. 

"Damn, you're really hurt, huh?" the princess asked, supporting him. 

"YES! Thanks for finally noticing, Zelda!" 

"Navi! What did you do?" Zelda's tone suddenly became filled with anger. 

"I just zapped him! Nothing he can't handle-" 

"Navi, you broke my ass!" 

"It's impossible to break your actual ass, Link. You probably damaged your tail bone, formally known as your sacrum-" 

"Screw the anatomy lesson, Navi!" Zelda barked. "Help me get him back on the horse!" 

Somehow, by means even unknown by the author, the girls managed to successfully place Link back onto his horse. Zelda mounted the horse in front of him and took over the reigns. She really wasn't an experienced rider, but figured Link would enjoy the cheap feels he got by holding on to her. Navi sat on Epona's head and directed the princess. 

"Ouch...I can't sit. I feel like I've got hemorrhoids or something..." Link whined. "Zelda, are you okay with steering?" 

"Yeah sure." she quickly answered. "What the hell can Epona do that'll go wrong?" 

"Umm...rear up and throw me off?" 

"Or even worse--she could start galloping!" Navi clapped her hands together. "And that would hurt Link's butt even more!" 

"You know, remind me to never take you two on another one of my journeys ever again. If I had gone it alone, I would've been back with your cat already." 

"I didn't want to come along anyway! My daddy made me come!" Zelda yelled. "You're the one who keeps stalling!" 

"No, I'm not!" 

"Yes, you are!" 

"Am not!" 

"Are too!" 

"Shut up!" Navi shrieked. "Let's just go already! Jesus Christ, by the time we get Miss Snuffles back, she'll need to be put down because she's so old!" 

"I wish someone would put _you_ down!" Link hissed back. 

"Drop dead, Broken Ass Man!" 

"Quiet!!!" the Hylian princess snapped, as if she were addressing children. "You're giving me a headache." 

Both Link and Navi stuck their noses up into the air and shut the hell up. For a few moments, not a word was exchanged between the three. Zelda continued to lead Epona into some unknown direction, completely unsure of where she was going. Navi sat cross-legged on Epona's head, ignoring the elves. Link, after some thinking and wriggling of his fingers, finally spoke. 

"Zelda?" 

"What?" 

"I can't ride on Epona for much longer. I need to rest a bit." 

"Fine..." she sighed. "I told you you're the one who stalls." 

"Dammit Zelda, please?" 

"Where would you want to go?" 

"Kakariko Village isn't too far from here." Navi said. 

Link nodded his head. "Sounds good to me. We'll only stay for a little bit." 

"...Are we even going in the right direction?" Zelda questioned. 

"Yup. Just keep her steady, Zelda." 

"Sure, Link." 

The ride to Kakariko was pretty short, and for the rest of the way, the threesome remained silent, lost in their own thoughts. 

_...Hmm..._ Navi pondered in her faerie-sized brain. _...Perhaps I shouldn't have done that to Link. Aw, it was really funny though! That'll teach him not to enjoy getting felt up by that silly princess. What the hell am I saying? She could drop a safe on his head and he'd like it. Come to think of it, I probably should've hurt him more and broken something else!! I am seething with rage! I am jealous! ...I am hungry!..._

While Navi mulled over her appetite, Zelda was staring vacantly into the landscape as the gears in her head squeaked and screeched away. _...Poor Link. He's been getting his ass kicked often during the journey. He takes it like such a man though, and that makes him so dreamy! Except for the time he whined like a baby...which was just before. Maybe he really doesn't take things like a man after all. Hehe! He's not even a man yet! ...What is that pressing against my butt?... _She blinked, realizing what it was. _...Oh my..._

Link, who also was thinking to himself, smiled wickedly as he squeezed Zelda's waist. _...Heh heh...smooooooooth...._

It didn't take much longer for them to reach the bustling little village known as Kakariko. Zelda did her best to guide Epona through the maze of children chasing Cuccos, queer moving carpenters, and merchants selling bootleg Louis Vuitton bags. 

"Let's head over to the inn over there," Link directed. "We can get something quick to eat, and I'll attempt to sit down and feel better." 

"If you say so, hero." the princess led the horse over to some stables. "You tie her up, Link." 

"Yeah....sure..." He slowly slid off Epona and grimaced when he felt pain shoot up his back. After tying his horse up to a post, he held out his hand for Zelda to take. 

"Aw, thanks." She smiled, allowing him to help her dismount his pony. "Even when you're in agonizing pain, you always manage to think of others, Link." 

"'Tis my curse, Zelda. Shall we?" He offered her his arm. 

"Yes, of course." she grinned, linking arms with Link. Haha...linking arms with Link...ahem, sorry, I couldn't resist the pun, as bad as it was. Anyway... 

Navi rolled her eyes and decided to keep her trap shut for the time being. Link was extremely pissed at her already and would probably try to kill her at the slightest quip she made. Arm and arm, the Hero of Time and Princess of Destiny walked into the inn. They located its restaurant and bar and waited to be seated. It took a few minutes before a Hylian female, popping a wad of gum in her mouth, addressed the couple. 

"How many?" 

"Two-err, three." Link corrected himself. He often didn't count the faerie as a person. She was more like a parasite. 

"Table or booth?" 

"Booth!" he cried, not even realized how loud his voice had gotten. "...I need cushions." 

"I see. Follow me, then." The hostess led the trio to a circular booth located towards the back of the restaurant. "A waitress will be with you shortly." She left menus on the table and walked off. Link carefully sat down and slid into the booth, giving some room so Zelda could sit next to him. He stretched out his arms and legs. 

"Ah, this feels better on my behind. Much nicer than Epona's saddle." 

"Good. I'm glad." Zelda responded, forcing a smile. She flipped through her menu and instantly made a selection. "I want cheese fries and a bacon-cheeseburger, complete with a side order of onion rings." 

"Shit!" Link chuckled. "You sure can eat a lot for such a skinny girl. Where do you put it all?" 

"Between her ears..." Navi muttered. 

"It sounds really good, Zelda. Maybe I'll get the same thing. What about you, Navi?" 

"Hmm..." the faerie replied. "I'm not sure yet. I'm really fricking hungry though." 

Just then, their waitress appeared. 

"Hi there, may I take your order?" 

"Yes, you may!" Link began in his hero-voice. "I would like a bacon-cheeseburger with cheese fries and a side of onion rings. The lady would like the same." 

"And for the faerie?" 

"Er, what do you want, Navi?" 

"I can order for myself, you pompous ass!" she growled. Politely, she looked up and spoke to the waitress. "I would like an order of barbeque ribs, french fries, a cream of turkey soup, and an unsweetened iced tea." 

"Jesus Christ!" Link exclaimed after hearing Navi's order. "Where the hell do _you_ put it all?!" 

"A girl has her secrets..." she smiled. 

"And what do you two want to drink?" the waitress questioned. 

At first, Link wanted to order a beer, but then quickly remembered what had happened the last time he and Zelda consumed alcohol. He ended up wasted and she wanted to bang him. That latter consequence wasn't bad, but he opted to play it safe. "Two cherry Cokes, please." 

"'Aight, your order will be ready soon." She took the menus and disappeared into the kitchen. 

"Isn't this nice, Zelda?" Link snaked one arm around the princess and pulled her close. 

"...What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing?" 

"Link, we're in public... I don't want anyone I know seeing us like this." 

"So? Zelda, honestly, who's going to see?" 

Little did they know that the Crackerjack Box of Doom was keeping a close eye on them. Ganon had it resting on his dining room table as he watched. Miss Snuffles napped comfortably on his lap. 

"THOSE TWO NUMBSKULLS HAVE TO BE THE MOST INCOMPETENT, PITIFUL CREATURES IN HYRULE! I SWEAR, I SHOULD BASH THEIR HEADS TOGETHER LIKE COCONUTS AND SEE IF ANY BRAIN TISSUE FALLS OUT! LINK-THAT IGNORAMUS-IS STALLING! I WANT HIM TO GET TO MY CASTLE NOW! I BETTER SPEED THINGS UP." Picking up the cat, he smiled. "MISS SNUFFLES, GET READY TO VOGUE!" 

Back at Kakariko, the food orders had arrived, and the three sat and munched away. Link and Navi happily indulged in their orders, but Zelda only picked up a few french fries to nibble on. She looked over at Link, who had half of a burger hanging out of his mouth and blushed. _...He looks so cute! He reminds me of the little fat kid everyone had in their kindergarten class...the one who ate so much he puked all the time._ _But no matter what, he was cute!..._

"Hey Link?" 

He answered back by producing noises as he chewed. 

"How about we share that kiss a little earlier than expected?" 

At her words, he swallowed hard and excitedly gazed over at her. "Y-You mean that?" 

"Yeah, I do." 

"Oh goody!" He puckered up. 

"No, wipe your mouth first. You've got ketchup on the side of your mouth." 

"Sure!" He grabbed his napkin and cleaned up. Giggling, he stared at her, awaiting her next command. 

"We're gonna have ourselves a real kiss," Zelda rested her hand on his shoulder. "Just like this..." 

"Woah." Link said, a la Keanu Reeves. 

"Yeah, so you have to open up your mouth just a little." 

"Like this?" 

"Yes, exactly." She moved in to give him a nice kiss, when Link abruptly pulled her into his arms. 

"Sorry," he laughed. "It's just that all my life I've waited for this moment and it's got to be perfect." 

Luckily Navi was buried in a pile of ribs and had absolutely no idea what was going on. If she did, she might've lost her lunch on the spot. 

"It's okay, Link." Zelda's voice was now soothing. "I understand. I know exactly what you mean." 

They moved in closer and were _just_ about to make out when something hitting the table interrupted them. 

"Ignore it," Link muttered, still going in to kiss her. 

"Ah-hem!" someone chirped. 

"What the?" Zelda looked up to see their waitress standing there. An envelope was placed on their table. 

"This just came for you two." she began. "Oh, and we have an anti-PDA policy here, so keep it in your tights, alright?" 

"O-Okay," Link picked up the envelope and looked at it, clueless. 

"Enjoy your meal." the waitress walked away. 

"What's that?" the princess asked. 

"Shit, I dunno, Zelda." 

"Open it!" 

"Sure," Link smirked when he read who the envelope was addressed to. "Mr. Lefty and the Blonde Bitch." 

"...It's from Ganon. What the hell does he want?" 

Link broke the package's seal and pulled out a stack of pictures. 

"What the hell??" Zelda raised an eyebrow as Link flipped through them. The first picture was of Miss Snuffles sitting in front of the Eiffel Tower. Link read the captions aloud. 

"This is your cat in France." 

The next one had the cat sprawled out across the top of the Great Wall of China. 

"This is your cat in China." 

Zelda gasped in horror as she viewed the pictures. The third had Miss Snuffles posing next to a Zulu tribe. 

"This is your cat in Zaire." 

"Link!" Zelda screamed. "We gotta save my kitty!" 

He flipped to the next one, which had the cat standing on the steps of a Mayan temple. 

"This is your cat in Mexico." 

"Link! Do something! My precious cat's in danger!" 

"Well Zelda, what would you like me to do? Call my travel agent and book the next flight to Mexico?!" 

"This isn't the time or the place to act sarcastic, Link!" 

"Well excuse me, Princess!" 

"We have to go to Ganon's castle right now." She took his hand and began to drag him out of the booth. 

"But Zelda! We're not even finished eating yet, and my ass still hurts! You promised me some rest!" 

"You can have your night of rest after we save Miss Snuffles." She tried to pull him out of the booth again, but he stopped her. "Now what?" 

"You still owe me that kiss! Don't forget!" 

"Oh please, Link! Like you're going to let me forget? Now come on!" 

"Okay okay! Geesh! The things I do for love." he muttered. "Come on, Navi! We're leaving." 

The faerie picked her head up from her pile of ribs. She had barbeque sauce smeared all over her face. "Already?! I'm not even finished yet!" 

"Let's go!" the princess barked, getting to her feet. 

"Hold on, let me at least get a doggie bag!" 

Once Navi had her lunch packed and ready to go, the three set out to continue their legendary adventure. Link had regained control of the reigns and was speeding along the countryside, trying to ignore the lingering pain emanating from his behind. 

"Link, how far is Death Mountain from here?" Zelda asked, peering over his shoulder. 

"Not very far. It's just a few miles." 

"Don't you think Epona's tired? I mean, she's traveled so far. Shouldn't you have gotten a new horse back in Kakariko?" 

"She's fine." Link calmly stated. "She's been through worse than this. She's my super-pony!" 

"....Right." Zelda ignored his bizarre comment. "Hey, you were supposed to get me a new horse now that I think about it!" 

"Later. After we get your cat back, I'll get you a new horse." 

"Not that I mind riding with you..." 

Link grinned. "Oh, sure Zelda. I understand. I'll go to Lon Lon Ranch once we get back to the castle and see if they have any good horses there." 

"Oh...Lon Lon?" 

"Yeah, it's the only ranch in all of Hyrule." 

"That means you have to see that freakazoid Malon, right?" 

He sensed the bitterness in her voice and couldn't help but giggle. "Jealous, Zelda?" 

"No!" she hastily replied. "It's just that she's so strange! It's like she likes horses _way_ too much. And not to mention, she likes _you_ way too much..." 

"Heh, can you blame her?" 

"Actually, I don't understand what she even sees in you." Zelda nonchalantly answered, knowing that she had just stuck a verbal dagger right into her hero's back. 

"Ouch..." He made a face. "That was mean!" 

"Don't understand it at all..." She yawned, resting her head down on him. 

_...That's right...you continue to hang all over me, Zelda, yet you scorn me. Well, we'll see who has the last laugh! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-what in God's name am I laughing at? She just dissed me! Grr, sometimes this blonde hair really gets me into a lot of hot water..._

Up on Death Mountain, Ganon was gazing at the couple from his Crackerjack Box of Doom, content. 

"BWA HA HA! THOSE FOOLS ARE ON THEIR WAY! IT IS TIME TO PREPARE THE LOVE NEST!" 

...By sunset, Link and Zelda had reached the base of Death Mountain. 

"Ganon's castle is way up there?" question Zelda, the nervousness evident in her voice. 

"Yup." Link replied. "I've been here so many times. I know this place like the back of my hand." 

"Would that happen to be your left hand?" Navi butted in from out of nowhere. 

"...Shut up, roach. Anyway, we're going to have to take a series of tunnels to get to the top." Link gazed up at the mountain. 

"Tunnels?" the princess asked, getting tenser by the second. 

"Yes. Why do you sound to scared, Princess?" 

"Oh, n-nothing." 

"Afraid of all the creepy crawly creatures we might run into?" 

"Creepy crawly creatures?" 

"Yup. Spiders, rats, keese..." Come to think of it, what is the singular form of "keese"? Koose? Those crazy Japs and their nomenclature systems! 

"R-Really? All those nasty things are in the caves?" 

"Oh, tons of little disgusting things like that! But I'm here to protect you." He drew his sword and did some fancy move with it, miraculously not cutting off any appendages in the process. 

"Uh-huh, well, if you fight as well as you show off, then I have nothing to fear." Zelda said in a half-mocking sort of tone. 

"Hey, who's saved your kingdom and yourself numerous times?" 

She answered with a simple smile. 

"Oh, Princess, you turn me on! But none of that hankey panky now! There's a certain feline that needs my help!" He put the Master Sword back in its holster thingie and walked into the cave's entrance. 

"Yes, Link!" Zelda wailed. "I love my little pussy!" 

At that comment, Link turned around and grinned widely. "I love your little pussy too!" 

"Link! That's not what I meant, you sick freak!" 

"Aw, come on Zelda! You set yourself up for that one!" Readers, you KNEW I'd eventually throw in a pussy joke somewhere when talking about Zelda's cat. It's just. That. Easy. 

She nervously bit her lower lip. "Well, you know I didn't mean it like that." 

"Of course not. Just sending mixed signals, like you always do...but forget I even said that before! Now, let's go and save Miss Snuffles." He proceeded to venture deeper into the cave. Zelda quickly ran behind him before she got lost. Link began to hum a song to lighten up the mood. "Dum de dum de dum... Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and broke its head--" 

"Link, do you know where we're going?" 

"Sure I do! Soon we should meet up with Crazy Abe." 

"Crazy Abe?" 

"Yeah, the old blind guy that guides me through the mountain." 

"A _blind_ guy shows you around?" 

"He lives in these tunnels. He's a great guy!" 

"Why do you call him 'crazy' then?" 

"'Cuz he's a nut! He always cracks me up. He's a real riot!" 

"Umm...can't wait to meet him." 

They walked on a bit longer, and there was still no sign of Crazy Abe. 

"I wonder where he can be?" Link wondered out loud. 

Before Zelda could say anything, she felt something scurry past her feet. Frightened, she yelped and grabbed Link for safety. 

"Aw, Princess, it's okay. I'm here to protect you." he sweetly said. 

"Link, let's just get the hell out of here! It's cold, damp, and very scary!" 

"We'll be out of here very soon--" 

"Link!" a voice called out from the darkest part of the cave. "Is that you?" 

"Crazy Abe! Yeah, it's me!" 

An old man appeared from out of a dark corner and approached the two. "Hello, Link! Back so soon?" he greeted. 

"Yeah, Ganon's still up to no good. I have to rescue Princess Zelda's cat." 

"Oh, the princess? Have you stuck it into her yet, Link?" Abe laughed, attempting to brush elbows with the hero. Instead, he rubbed his arm against God knew what. 

"Err...she's right here with me." Link stammered. Zelda totally blew off Abe's question. By now, she was used to people making comments like that about her and Link. Everyone in Hyrule wanted them to just get married. Everyone except Malon, Ruto (pre-toilet bowl incident), Saria, and not to mention, herself. ...She knew that was a lie though. It was a dirty, rotten lie. She wanted to drag him down the aisle in a Martha Stewart-type wedding, complete with a five-tiered chocolate cake and DJ playing awful early 1990's dance music. 

"Hello, Princess!" Abe tried to reach out and shake her hand, but instead slammed into the nearest cavern wall. Both Link and Zelda did their best to hide their laughter. "So you're the lovely lady who's captured the young Link's heart? ...And not to mention something else. Heh heh." 

Link turned red. Then again, it was difficult to see in the caves, so no one noticed. Abe was blind anyway, so he didn't give a flying fuck. And Zelda...well...Zelda was Zelda. 

She answered Abe's inquiry. "Yes, I guess that's me." 

"You should hear how he speaks of you!" 

"Really? It seems that almost everyone we've met on this journey has said that to me." 

"Well, you know how people in love act. They can't stop chattering about the one they adore." Abe smiled. Link grew tense and sucked in a breath. He was praying to God that Zelda wouldn't reach over and punch him, but she didn't. She actually blushed. And her heart grew three sizes that day. 

"Okay, come along now!" Abe announced. "I shall be your guide." He went to grab Zelda's hand when he "accidentally" grabbed her breast instead. She let out a bloodcurdling scream. Link couldn't believe what he just saw. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that! A thousand apologies, your Highness!" Abe exclaimed. He began walking away. 

"I don't like that man!" Zelda angrily hissed at Link. 

"I envy him..." the hero sighed. Zelda frowned and pouted her lips. "Princess, just ignore him. ...Hold on a sec." Link zipped over to Abe, who had already started walking ahead of them. The old man pulled Link aside and snickered. 

"You were right when you said she had a great rack!" 

"Abe, that wasn't funny." 

"What's the matter, Link? Jealous because I got further with her in the last two minutes than you have in the last ten years?" 

"Okay, I'm really sick of people constantly reminding me of what a loser I am. It's bad enough that I haven't even kissed her yet." 

Meanwhile, Zelda was trailing behind the two, scared shitless. The caves were very dark, and their only light was from Abe's lantern. 

"Link, when are you going to lay down the smack on that bitch?" Abe questioned, unaware that Zelda wasn't too far behind them. "Just be like, 'I've saved your pretty ass more times than I can count, so you owe me. Spread 'em, now!'" 

"I tried that already." 

"And what happened?" 

"She slapped me silly." 

"Oh, well then you have to seduce her. Show her what she's missing." 

"I've tried that too." 

"And?" 

"She resisted by seducing me back, and then a tree branch fell on my head." 

"Dammit, boy! What kind of a dumbass are you?!" 

Link looked down in shame. He felt as if every single ounce of masculinity he had (all two teaspoons of it) had been drained. Abe's words were like a proverbial kick to the balls. It was at that time Zelda finally caught up to them. 

"Link, how much longer?" she whined, grabbing his arm. 

"Not much..." his reply was sullen, but the princess didn't notice. Then again, she wouldn't notice a Mack truck coming at her. She'd be a deer in headlights, baby. 

So after a few more minutes of winding tunnels and dead silence, they reached the exit. 

"Thanks, Abe." Link forced a smile and walked out. 

"No problem. Just doing my job!" 

As Zelda followed Link, Abe quickly smacked her on the butt. She jumped and was just about to scream when Link cut her off. 

"Come on, Zelda. It's time to save your kitty." 

"She's got a nice ass, Link!" Abe laughed as the duo walked away. 

"I hate that creep!" the princess growled, clenching her fists. 

"I really, _really_ envy him now." 

It was nightfall when they finally reached Casa de Ganon. 

"Link, why do you hang out with filth like that?" Zelda snarled as they walked along the dirt path to the castle. 

"I don't know, Zelda." 

"I mean, honestly...such creeps!" 

"Yup." _...Thanks for twisting the knife, Zelda. Mark my words, you will be saying my name one day, begging me to pleasure you. Oh yes...say my name, Zelda, say my name..._

"What are you smirking at?" 

"I'm smirking?" 

"You were." 

"It was nothing, Zelda." _...Say my name!!!!!...._

They reached the insanely large front steps to the castle and began to trek up them. 

"Think Ganon's trying to make up for something? Heh..." Link grinned. 

After climbing all twenty-five steps, they were greeted by a large oak door. Why twenty-five? I dunno. It beats the hell out of me. 

"Do we just knock?" Zelda sarcastically asked, crossing her arms. 

"Wait..." Link noticed a Post-it note stuck to the door. He yanked it off and began reading. The note read: Dear Mr. Jackmeoff and his bitch, I relocated to Gerudo Valley. Vacationing there. Come if you dare! Bwa ha ha! Love, Ganon. 

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed, crumbling the note. 

"What's wrong?" Zelda nervously asked. 

"Ganon's not here!" 

"What?!" 

"He's in Gerudo Valley--across Hyrule! It's nowhere near where we are now." 

"So we came here for nothing?" 

"Yup." 

"Aw, fuckin' A!" Not knowing what to do (as usual), she took a seat on a nearby boulder. 

"I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this." Link grumbled as he sat down next to the princess. He began massaging his temples. 

Zelda saw how infuriated her hero was and tried to better the situation. "Link, we tried. Maybe we should return back home. You need rest-" 

"But then you'll flip as soon as you see Ganon with Miss Snuffles again! We might as well go rescue her now." 

She thought for a few seconds, then shrugged her shoulders. "Yup, you're right! Let's go!" She stood up and walked towards the cliff's edge. Navi, who happened to overhear the entire situation, popped her head out from her favorite hiding place in Link's satchel. 

"Psst...Link?" 

"What?" he muttered, his head in his hands. 

"Um, I think you should take a look in here. You haven't opened it in like a week." 

"Why, what's in there? A knife so I can tear my own heart out, just to make sure it's still beating and that it hasn't exploded yet due to stress and mini-strokes?" 

"...Geez, you're Mr. Saturday Night, aren't ya?" the faerie growled. "Just look in the damn bag." 

He frowned, opened up the bag, and almost pissed his pants. "...The ocarina." 

"Yup!" 

"Navi, why didn't you tell me it was in here?!" 

"You didn't ask." 

"Navi!! If I would've used this earlier, we could've warped everywhere! It would've saved us valuable time!" 

"But then you wouldn't have frolicked with Zelda in the river...wouldn't have her sweet, precious body resting against yours..." She said this in a mocking tone, pretending to wretch after each sentence. 

"That's true, Navi." 

"You wouldn't have had her hands on your inner thigh like that. It was _so_ close to your nads. You wouldn't have had her straddle you in a drunken stupor..." As she said "straddle", she made nasty hip motions. 

"Cut that out, Navi." 

"But that's what you wanted, wasn't it? Well, tell her you have the ocarina and you'll warp to Gerudo Valley and get her rat-er, I mean cat-right now." 

"Then maybe she'll give me that kiss she promised." Link said to himself. 

"Yeah, whatever. Don't hold your breath and kill any more brain cells. You need all the ones you can get..." 

He stood up and called for Zelda, "Princess!" 

"Yes?" 

"Come here!" 

"Is that an order, hero?" she grinned, turning her head around. 

"I should order you to suck my--just come here, Zelda!" Once she made her way over to him, he held out the magical instrument. "Lookie!" 

Her eyes bugged out. "The ocarina! The fucking ocarina?! Now you show me the fucking ocarina?! After all the goddam time?!" She began shrieking. Link's face grew pale. 

"I-I didn't know I had it." he stuttered, scared for his life. 

"Didn't know you had it?! We've wasted so much time! We could've had my kitty back already!" 

"I-It was in my pocket." Link immediately thought of a scapegoat. Revenge was a dish best served cold. "Navi didn't say anything! It's all the roach's fault." 

"It ain't my fault, you inept goon!" Navi flew out of hiding, outraged. 

"Don't blame it on the flying virus, you dork! I am so PISSED!" Zelda snatched the ocarina from Link's hand. 

"I'm sorry..." he timidly apologized. Gods, he didn't know what the hell to say to calm Zelda down. Then, he said something really fucking stupid. "But Zelda, if we used the ocarina earlier, we would've never had those cool bonding sessions!" 

The princess grew so outraged at his words, that without thinking, she hurled the instrument directly at Link's head. It was a perfect hit. The ocarina broke into two pieces on impact. Link fell onto his knees, holding his head in his hands. 

"Jesus fucking Christ!" he cried. "What was that for?!" 

Zelda sucked in a breath when she saw what happened to the flute-type instrument. Navi yelped. Flying around Zelda's head, she began to scold the princess. 

"Look what you did, you crazywoman! You hurt Link and broke your priceless ocarina! Now who's the idiot?" 

"Shut up!" Zelda knelt down next to the broken pieces. Link was lying on the ground in a hell of a lot of pain. He was probably suffering from a light concussion, but oh well. Zelda lamented over her folly. "Shit! What am I--what am I gonna--?" Panicking, she turned to Link for help. "Link! What am I going to do?!" 

"Oh, Mommy..." he absent-mindedly mumbled. "No, I don't want to...they'll all laugh at me, Mommy..." 

"Link!!" she called again. He answered with a groan. "Oh, screw him." She picked up the pieces and sighed, "Well, maybe some crazy glue can do the trick. Hey...Link usually carries some with him. ...Hey, Link! Wake up, you big sissy!" 

"Uhh..." he groggily sat up and rubbed his head. 

"You okay?" 

"Yes, I'm just fucking PEACHY!" 

"Good. Now, crazy glue the ocarina together!" 

"Jeez, 'Link do this', 'Link do that'..." he whined, standing up. He reached into his bag and pulled out a tube of crazy glue. "Lucky thing I always have this on me." 

"Yeah, why do you have it on you?" Zelda asked. "To glue your dick back on when it falls off?" 

Link shuddered at her last remark. He felt like exploding. She had never made such a comment like that to him before. He was terribly, _terribly_ vexed. _...Yeah...dick that falls off...I'll show YOU what this dick should be doing!!! Calm down, Link. Take deep breaths..._

"No, Zelda. I use it to fix my bow or to glue the Master Sword's handle back on when it falls off..." he growled between clenched teeth. 

Zelda simply stared at him. "Uh-huh. Just fix the ocarina." She threw the two pieces at his feet and walked away. Without protest, he picked them up. 

"This shouldn't be so hard. It's only got two pieces. But hey, where's the mouthpiece?" He looked around for it, but it was nowhere in sight. "Oh, shit." 

"Hurry up, asshole!" Zelda called from a distance. 

Link had enough of being treated like Zelda's bitch. Sure, if she wanted to put a leash on him and spank him, that would've been some pretty hot shit, but there was no way he'd let her walk all over him like that. Obviously the last ten years of his life must've been a blur, because in Hylian, the name "Link" had become synonymous with "doormat". 

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed, agitated by Zelda's whining. "What crawled up your ass and died?!" 

Link's insolent outburst caused the princess to come stomping back over to him. Her nostrils were flaring and her eyes were bulging out of her skull. Link tried not to wince at her, but knew he was in for a whooping. 

"How _dare_ you address me like that!" she screamed. "Who do you think I am?!" 

"Well, what else would you like me to call you? Your Royal Bitchiness?" 

"You stupid dork! It's all your fault we're stuck here!" 

Meanwhile, Navi was loving it. She had perched herself up on a small boulder and was cackling with glee. 

"Tee-hee! You go, Link! You show her you're not her bitch anymore!" 

"_My_ fault we're stuck out here?!" Link continued to fire back at Zelda. "_My_ fault?!" 

"Yes! Are you deaf, you idiot?" the princess hissed. 

"Who's cat got catnapped?" 

"What asshole forgot to put the Master Sword back in place and let Ganon free?" 

Link knew she had him on that one. "Er, uh...." 

"Exactly, you douchebag! Now quit your bitching and fix the ocarina!" 

"No!" Link barked. He braced himself, but continued to protest even as she glared at him. "Why don't you fix it? You broke it!" 

"You're telling me 'no'?" 

"Yeah!" 

They stared at each other. Them, being the sickos that they were, began to find their arguing extremely stimulating. Zelda loved the way he fought with her. 

_...Oh, Link...You've actually developed a spine and are defending yourself. You're getting my plumbing going, you hot, sexy dork!..._

She gathered control of herself and started to slowly speak, "Link, you're...finally being a man and are standing up for yourself..." 

"...Yeah, I am..." He stupidly stared at her, unsure of what else to say. _...Why am I suddenly horny? She just called me a douchebag! She's a damn bitch, Link. But she's a fine bitch..._

Navi noticed their sudden change of pace and was not happy. 

"What?!" she gawked, her miniature jaw dropping. " First they're ready to rip each other's throats out, and now they're horny? What is up with them? They're completely out of their minds!!" 

"L-Link, hurry up and f-fix the ocarina so w-we can return to the castle and...and..." Zelda probably had no idea what she was even babbling about, due to the fact that she was mesmerized by Link. All she could concentrate on was shagging her hero. Well, that and how many licks it actually does take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. 

"Yeah, we'll get back h-home and...and..." The Hero of Time wasn't faring much better, and amazingly enough, sounded like a bigger retard than Zelda did. _...Cue the porno music!!..._

Then, out of the blue, Link suddenly felt something whack his head yet again. 

"Ow! What the--?" He looked down and saw the broken mouth piece next to his feet. 

"Hello?!" Navi yelled, flying into Link's line of vision. "There's your damn piece, you jackass!" 

"Navi! You had to whack me in the head too?" 

"Well, sorry! But you've got a mission to complete." 

"That's right!" the princess chimed in, snapping out of her aroused state. "Fix the damn ocarina, Link!" She certainly wasn't feeling excited anymore, but Link sure was! Heh heh! When wasn't he? 

"Oh, right." the hero picked up the three pieces, then took a seat back on the boulder. Zelda joined him and crossly folded her arms. 

"Hurry up!" she commented, tossing her long blonde hair aside. Link didn't respond and continued to glue the ocarina back together. About five minutes later, he grinned and held up the instrument. 

"Ta-da! As good as new!" 

"Yeah yeah, it's about time." Zelda quickly stood up. "Let's just warp the hell out of here and rescue my cat." 

"You're welcome, Zelda." Link sarcastically snorted. Brushing off the incident, he shrugged his shoulders and smiled. "Okey dokies, let's go save Miss Snuffles!" Lifting the ocarina up to his lips, he began to play a tune that sounded very similar to "Hot Cross Buns". ...Okay, it _was_ "Hot Cross Buns". A whirlwind thingie came and sucked them up to Ganon's vacation villa in Gerudo Valley, where the Evil Incarnation of Darkness eagerly awaited the arrival of the threesome. 

I hope everyone enjoyed this last chapter! I realize it's pretty long, and didn't mean to make it go on as much as it did, but my creative juices were flowing and I couldn't let them stop. It sort of like when you have the runs... Anyway, check out my site, for full character profiles of Link, Zelda, Navi, and Ganon. The next chapter will be on its way shortly. Thanks for all the positive reviews! Keep them coming!! Hugs & Kisses!! ;) 


	9. Ganon's Love Shack

Chapter Nine: Ganon's Love Shack

About 2.3 seconds after being sucked up by the mysterious whirlwind, Link and Zelda finally reached their destination. The stupid ocarina had no pity for travelers and deposited the two upon their Hylian butts. 

"Ouch! There goes my butt bone again!" Link exclaimed as he landed. "Zelda, you're lucky, because you've got enough cushioning down there to soften the impact! Me, on the other hand, has never really gotten used to this mode of transportation-" 

"Shut the hell up, dork!" the princess barked, getting to her feet. Her eyes scanned their surroundings. They were now in a long, dark hallway, covered with pictures of Ganon and Miss Snuffles. "My kitty!" Zelda yelped, covering her mouth with her hands. 

"Relax, Princess. The Hero has arrived!" boasted Link as he stood next to her. 

"Really? Where?" she mockingly asked, turning her head as if she were looking for someone. 

"Haha... Gee, Zelda, is this 'Let's Bash Link Day'?" 

"I thought that was every day!" 

Navi, after seeing that the two had made a safe, yet slightly painful, landing, came out of her hiding place and perched herself on Link's shoulder. She started to whisper in his ear, "Link, you haven't used your sword during this trip yet. Don't you think it's about time to?" The faerie gazed over at Zelda. 

Link smirked, but remained quiet. Even he had to admit it. Zelda was in "Extra Bitch Mode" today for some odd reason. _...Must be cramps. That's it. Cramps..._

"Come on, Princess." He began to walk down the foreboding hallway. Well, it wasn't really foreboding, just dark. And spooky. "Let's go find your cat." 

"Wait for me, hero!" Zelda ran up to him to catch up. Navi buzzed behind the pair, careful not to get lost. "Link, have you ever been here before?" 

"No, Zelda." he replied. "He just built this place not too long ago. Ganon and I usually duke it out on Death Mountain, but I guess even he was growing tired of that." 

"Ah." 

"Yeah. I've been to Gerudo Valley itself several times in the past." He paused, remembering a certain incident that stood out in his little blonde mind. "Heh. Once, I got kidnaped by an all female tribe. They were pretty hot. They locked me up and wanted to torture me. That sexy guard could've stuck her spear anywhere she wanted..." 

"Right up your boney, white boy ass?" Navi chimed in with a smile. 

"No!" the hero snapped back. "Anyway...I managed to escape their clutches. Any dreams of having wild threesomes with them was shot straight to hell." 

"You're such a pig!" Zelda angrily shoved Link away from her. "You make me sick!" 

"Aw, Zelda I was only kidding! I only said it because I knew you'd react that way!" 

"Then why did you do it? Do you like being abused by me?" 

"Why, quite frankly, yes. Yes I do like being abused by you, Princess." 

"You already have threesomes, Link!" Navi unexpectedly squeaked. "You, your right hand, and your left hand!" 

Zelda and the faerie both stopped in their tracks and laughed at the Hero of Time. 

"These masturbation jokes are really getting old, you two!" he growled. 

The girls didn't bother answering him and continued to laugh at his pathetic lifestyle. 

"Grr!" Link gnashed his teeth together. "Fuck you!!" _...How dare they make fun of me! After all I do for them!!_ _They shouldn't knock it! At least it's sex with someone I love..._

"Look Navi," Zelda chuckled. "We got him all angry now." 

"He's turning red!" 

"You know what? _You_ can go rescue your goddam cat. I'm using the ocarina to get the hell out of here." Link pushed past Zelda and stalked down the hallway in the opposite direction of where they were headed. 

"Where are you going, Link?!" the princess cried. "You can't just leave us here!" 

"Watch me!" 

"He's worse than a woman!" Zelda growled to the faerie. "...And he can be easily swayed like one too." She took off after the hero. Upon reaching her prey, she grabbed him from behind around the waist and yanked him back. "Aw Link, don't leave me..." she purred, resting her head on his back. 

"You were making fun of me. I don't like it when you make fun of me." he timidly responded. 

"I was only teasing!" 

"Well, you're mean when you tease." 

"Am I?" Zelda, knowing fully what she was doing for once, maneuvered her hands so they would now be resting a bit further south than his waistline. _...Oh Link, I just want to reach under your skirt--er, tunic--and SQUEEZE!!!_... 

He giggled when he saw where her wandering hands had ended up. "See, you're being mean now!" 

"Does this look like I'm being mean?" 

"...I'm not sure. I can never tell with you." 

"I'm not being mean now, Link." Zelda sighed. 

He turned around and took the princess into his arms. "Zelda, I could never remain mad at you! You're just so pretty, and your eyes sparkle like diamonds! Kiss me!" 

"I told you! Once we get back to Hyrule Castle, I'll give you a kiss." 

"Why not now? Just a small peck would suffice." 

"Rescue my cat first, then I'll peck you all you want." 

At her words, Link suddenly got a mental image of a chicken pecking away at corn kernels. He wasn't sure why it popped up, but it was sure as shit funny! 

"...What are you smiling at, dumbass?" 

"Nothing! I've got a kitty to rescue!" Link took her hand and yanked her back to where Navi was waiting. "I can't wait until you peck the hell out of me, Zelda!" 

"Yeah yeah...I'll smack you upside the head too if we don't hurry up!" 

Link didn't reply back, but instead skipped ahead of the girls and lead the way down Ganon's long, endless, dark, mother fucking hallway. Was that enough adjectives for you, bitch? 

"Hey Zelda?" Navi whispered. "What did you do to change his mind like that?" 

"I rested my hands on his nuts." 

"Wow. That easy, huh?" 

"_That_ easy, Navi. He's a sucker." 

Finally, after ten minutes of walking, they came to the end of the hall. It opened up into a large, vast chamber. Candles were lit everywhere, and there was a fresh bottle of champagne on ice. The music of Barry White echoed throughout the room. Link and Zelda immediately took notice of the heart-shaped bed accenting the center of the chamber. And, to top it all off, there was Ganon, dressed in a long, red silk robe, holding a champagne glass. He was standing next to the bed, looking a lot like Hugh Hefner, only without the Playboy bunnies. The Hero of Time was taken back. 

"What. The. Fuck?" 

"WELL WELL WELL! LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP! MR. SPOCK AND HIS VULCAN LADY FRIEND!" the Emperor of the Evil Realm greeted, holding up his glass. 

Link drew his sword. Zelda and Navi did their best to help Link. In other words, they hid behind him and cowered like retarded baby animals. "We just want the cat back!" 

"HA! THE CAT, EH? WELL, COME AND GET HER, SISSYBOY!" Ganon clapped his hands together, and out ran Miss Snuffles from a dark corner. His villa was loaded with dark things, come to think about it. Hallways. Corners. Think Ganon should've paid his electric bill? Link was about to snatch up the cat when the Evil Incarnation of Darkness stopped him. "HALT! FIRST WE MAKE A DEAL!" 

"A deal?" 

"YES, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!" Ganon continued to scream in his loud villain voice. "A DEAL! A FIGHT TO THE DEATH-" 

"Oh, Christ! We've done that so many times, but you keep coming back!" 

"GRR...SHUT UP, BOY! IF I WIN, I KEEP THE CAT AND TAKE OVER HYRULE. IF I LOSE, YOU TAKE THE CAT!" 

"That doesn't seem like a fair exchange...but it's not like I have a choice." Link grumbled. Zelda jabbed him in the back for that comment. "Ouch!" 

"VERY WELL! BUT FIRST, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR THE BOTH OF YOU!" 

"What?" Link and Zelda simultaneously asked, suspicious of Ganon's motives. You'd have to be full blown brain-dead if you weren't. They were bad, but not _that_ bad! 

"Don't you think this setting's romantic?" Their arch-nemesis' tone had softened, and he spoke normally. 

"Huh? Romantic?" 

"You don't find it...stimulating?" As Ganon said this, he made weird faces at Link...and Link, being the brain surgeon that he was, got the wrong idea. 

"Aw man!" he quickly murmured to Zelda. "He...He...wants to-?" 

"Hey, better you than me!" 

Ganon interrupted them. "Why don't you two take a seat on the bed?" He motioned over to the heart-shaped atrocity. 

Link turned to look at Zelda, but all she did was shrug. Fearing for his genitals, he looked at Ganon and spoke. "And what if we don't want to?" 

"Then I'LL MAKE YOU!" he boomed. 

"Er, come on, Zelda. Let's not make the nice pig angry." The hero took Zelda's arm and began to drag her over to the bed. 

"Link! This is a trap!" she protested, pulling away from him. "How damn gullible are you?! I think Ganon's getting a bit lazy, because this is way too obvious!" 

"No Princess, I assure you this isn't a trap. ...I'm actually doing you a favor, you dimwit." Ganon snarled, restraining himself. He was growing impatient with the Hylians' bickering. 

"Zelda, if this is a trap, I'll...I'll...do what I always do. Kill Ganon and save the world. Simple as that." Link muttered to Zelda. 

"You better do just that, hero." 

"Come and sit!" Ganon urged. 

Link took one last glance at Zelda, then went over to the bed. She reluctantly followed. "What do you have planned, Ganon?" Link asked in his dumb "hero voice." 

"Well...I'm a hopeless romantic, Link." the pig smiled. 

"Is that why you have a life-sized cardboard cutout of that drag queen over there?" 

Ganon looked behind him and scowled. Indeed, there was a cardboard cutout of a very masculine looking woman on display next to the ice basket thingie containing the champagne bottle. "THAT IS NO DRAG QUEEN, YOU TWIT! THAT IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE--BEA ARTHUR!" 

"Ack!" Link cried. "That's a woman?! Her shoulders are broader than yours!" 

"IT SHOWS THAT SHE'S STRONG!" 

"And she's almost your height!" 

"SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD! SHUT UP! WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH A TALL, SKINNY BLONDE! HOW STEREOTYPICAL!" 

"But, dude! She's ghastly! Ganon, I'd expect more from you-" 

"THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY AUTOGRAPHED BEA ARTHUR CUTOUT! LEAVE HER ALONE." He shook his head, regaining his composure. "...Tonight has to do with you two." 

Link couldn't get off the Bea Arthur topic though. He finally had some decent blackmail material against his nemesis. "Goddam, Ganon. She is one _ugly_ woman! It looks like she fell off the Ugly Tree and hit every single branch on the way down!" 

"Haha yeah, she is really ugly." Zelda joined it. 

"She's not just ugly! She's _fugly!_ And that means she's fuckin' ugly!" 

"SHUT UP, BOTH YOU MORONS!!!" the King of Evil shrieked. "As I was saying earlier before I was rudely interrupted... I'm a hopeless romantic, and just want you to have some fun before I kill you both." 

Link and Zelda gulped. 

"Fun?" the Hero of Time asked. Nervousness had crept up into his voice. Zelda slowly took a seat on the bed. 

"Yes, fun, you-" Before Ganon could call them another name, he stopped himself. "Wait. I promised myself I'd be nice to you in your final hours. That's why I'm planning this little surprise. Actually, it's more of a gift." He paced back and forth, causing the level of terror in the Hylians to skyrocket. Link kept his eyes glued on the freakish pig. 

"Gift?" Zelda questioned. She too was growing restless, and began to twiddle her thumbs. 

"YES, GIFT! ARE YOU DEAF?! ...Sorry, force of habit." Ganon turned his back toward them, allowing the two to immediately start whispering to each other frantically about what in Din's name was going on. As soon as Ganon turned back around, they stopped. "Anyway, let me tell you about my generous offering. Mr. Lefty-I mean, Link... I know someone who'd make all your dreams come true." The pig winked at the hero. Link whimpered. Zelda stared at Ganon in disbelief. "...And that person is in this very chamber!" 

_...Oh God, he wants to have sex with me! My archenemy wants me to become his butt buddy!..._ Link anxiously thought. He felt like he was going to have the runs and puke at the same time. That isn't exactly the nicest feeling in the world. It can only be magnified with a long night of heavy drinking. Hangover The Shits Puke = YUCK! 

Zelda was also thinking, and killing thousands of brain cells in the process. _...Poor Link. He's going to get it through the back door from Ganon. How fucked up is that? And I wanted to be the one who Link enters first! Tee-hee! Ouch! Silly Blonde!..._

"And Link, do you know who that special person is?" Ganon asked with a grin upon his piggish features. 

Link felt his knuckles turn white as he stammered, "Y--Y-You?" 

"ME?! _ME?!_ YOU FAILURE OF DARWINIAN EVOLUTION, NOT ME! HER!" Ganon screamed, pointing to the Princess of Hyrule. Zelda's eyes bugged out at the Evil Incarnation's outburst. Link looked down at Zelda. 

"Hell yeah, she could make all of my dreams come true..." he blissfully smiled at the frightened girl. 

"Link!" she screeched. "Get us out of here!" 

"Sorry, Princess! Didn't mean it like that!" 

"OH PLEASE, LINK! ZELDA COULD SNEEZE AND YOU'D FIND IT SO ATTRACTIVE THAT YOU'D CUM ALL OVER YOURSELF!" 

"Uh...er...he's right." Link mumbled, lowering his head in shame. _...How the hell did Ganon know that?! Luckily for me, it's allergy season, and Zelda's got the worst case of allergies in all of Hyrule. Hehe...I better get the tissues ready...for the both of us!..._

"This is getting too weird!" the princess yelled. "Let's get my cat and leave!" She angrily stood up, but Ganon stormed over and pushed her back down onto the bed. 

"Don't you dare touch her like that again!" Link exclaimed. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. 

"Shut up! Link, look at her! Doesn't she look so tempting?" coaxed Ganon. 

The hero stared at Zelda, who was just lying there, too scared to move. "She looks frightened!" 

"No she doesn't! She looks willing! If you think she looks scared, why don't you try and make her feel better?" 

"How? By getting her cat and beating this popsicle stand?" 

"NO! BY DOING THIS!" Ganon grabbed Link hard by the tunic and pushed him down on top of Zelda. To make it even worse, he then got up onto the bed and continued to hold the hero down on top of the princess. She was now screaming. Link didn't know whether to rejoice or start whooping piggy ass. "DON'T YOU FOOLS KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO?!" 

"You're trying to have a menage e trois with us?" Link cautiously answered. 

"NO! I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TWO TO FINALLY GO AT IT! FORGET ABOUT ME! IT'S YOU TWO WHO EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE GET TOGETHER! I'M ACTUALLY HELPING YOU, LINK!" 

"Ganon," Link calmly said. "I...um...appreciate what you're trying to do, but honestly, I don't think we need your help." 

"OH, YOU DON'T?! THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU EVEN KISSED HER YET, YOU PATHETIC IMP?" 

Zelda was screeching as the two men (At least I think they're both male. One definitely is, but the other I'm not so sure of) on top of her argued back and forth. Her arms and legs were flailing wildly, but somehow, she managed to wrap her legs around Link's hips. Coincidence? I think not! Accident? Ha! The princess knew what Ganon was getting at--let's face it, you'd have to have the IQ of a speed bump not to--but she was an idiot, and Link was even worse. Somehow, she felt herself wanting the moment, but without the godawful music and Ganon. He just wasn't adding to the ambiance. Their piggish nemesis was getting fed up. 

"I won't watch!" he cried. "I'll even leave while you...'play!' Come on! I _know_ you want this!" 

"Ganon, this isn't how I envisioned this moment!" Link continued to fight against his enemy's grip, but the fucking pig was just too strong. 

"You're a fool, Link!" Ganon, further horrifying the couple, shoved the Hero of Time's head down so he would be like half an inch away from Zelda's face. "Don't you just want to kiss her?!" 

"Er...I...I..." 

"I _KNOW_ YOU DO!" 

Zelda remained quiet out of fear that Ganon would do something horrible to Link if she fought back. Plus, as I stated earlier, she would've been lovin' the moment if only Ganon wasn't there giving step-by-step directions on how to fornicate. 

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? KISS HER! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND SING 'KISS THE GIRL?' DON'T MAKE ME DO THAT, LINK!" 

"I-I can't just go and kiss her! That's impolite!" 

"ACK! YOU TRULY ARE AS STUPID AS A HOUSEPLANT!" 

Amid all the hubbub, Navi had sat herself on top of a gargoyle statue overlooking the chamber. She wasn't going to touch the current situation with a fifty foot pole. No words she could produce would have been able to describe the absolute revulsion she was feeling. In layman's terms, she was staying out of this one! 

Ganon, in a last ditch effort to ensue a sexual encounter between the Hylians, pushed Link's hips all the way down so they would be digging into Zelda. "COPULATE!" The King of Evil screamed. "COPULATE, GODDAM YOU!" 

"Eww! Quit touching me like that!" Link yelled, trying to break free from his nemesis. "This is really fucking bizarre!" 

Zelda clenched her eyes shut. It was funny how her absolute dream-come-true situation ended up being her worst nightmare. Stranger things have happened, especially in this story which doesn't make _any_ sense. 

Now, dear reader, try to picture this scene. Three people (two of the same sex...we think) fighting on a heart-shaped bed. One was being forced on top of the other while the third rammed the other's hips into the female's crotch. It wasn't very pretty. Not pretty at all. It was downright unnerving. 

"LINK, IF YOU DON'T SCREW HER SOON, I'M JUST GOING TO CUT TO THE CHASE AND KILL YOU!" 

Ganon's request caused Link to stop squirming. He grinned stupidly down at Zelda, who had finally gathered the courage to open her eyes and glare at him. "You heard him, Princess. If you and I don't give in to our desires soon, the pig's gonna kill me. Now, you don't want that to happen, do you? So, you and I better just start making sweet love before-" 

She couldn't care less about what he was babbling about, and opted to punch him straight in the face in order to shut him the fuck up. Ganon cackled when he saw what happened to the hero. 

"Ouch!" Link whined. "I was only joking before! ...Hey, at least I tried, right?" 

"SHUT UP!! JUST SHUT YOUR BLACK HOLE OF A MOUTH AND COPULATE WITH THE LADY, DAMMIT!" Ganon interjected. "DO YOU WANT TO DIE SOME PATHETIC VIRGIN? I'M TRYING TO AT LEAST TURN YOU INTO A MAN BEFORE I KILL YOU!" 

"Link!" Zelda wailed. "Get him off of us!" 

"Copulate? What in God's name does that even mean?" the hero questioned to himself. 

"GIVE YOUR LEFT HAND A REST! DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME THAT YOU FINALLY ENGAGED IN SOME COITUS?" 

"Coitus? I still have no idea what 'copulate' means." 

"OH SWEET JESUS! DIDN'T YOU LEARN THIS IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL HEALTH CLASS? AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE TO START DRAWING DIAGRAMS FOR YOU, YOU OBLIVIOUS ELF?!" 

"What the hell are you even talking about?!" 

"LINK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND EVERYTHING HOLY, JUST SHAG HER ROTTEN, YOU GOON!" 

"LLLIIIINNNKKK!" Zelda screamed when she heard Ganon's last command. "End this shit _now_!!!" 

"Are you kidding, Ganon? She'd kick my ass if I tried that!" the hero objected. "I just can't do it! Not here, not now! Maybe in the future--_it better happen in the future_--but not now!" 

"DAMN YOU AND YOUR PERPETUAL IGNORANCE! I GIVE UP! DIE A VIRGIN!" Ganon thundered as he pushed Link down on Zelda one last time. He stood up over them. (Quick author's note here: For those of you who are virgins out there, I mean no disrespect. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but in Link's case, it's not only pathetic and sad, but humorous as well. Anyway, time to end the After School Special.) 

Zelda shoved Link away and raced to where Miss Snuffles was sitting. Just as she was going to grab her pretty kitty, Ganon teleported in her way. 

"STUPID BLONDE!" He barked. "TIME TO MEET YOUR MAKER!" Ganon raised his hand to punch her or something when Link butted in between them. 

"Don't touch my woman!" the perturbed hero growled. 

"BLAST!" The Evil Incarnation of Darkness realized his efforts to smite Zelda had been thwarted and lowered his hand. "ONTO PHASE TWO!" 

Suddenly, Miss Snuffles leapt up from her spot and hurled herself at Link, attaching onto his chest with her claws. Why? I dunno. She hated him. 

"Aggghhh!" Link cried, surprised. He didn't like the cat either. It was a mutual thing. 

"Link, don't hurt my kitty!" the princess yelled. 

"HAHA! TIME TO SEE MR. JACKMEOFF DANCE!" Ganon laughed. He blasted a bolt of fire at Link's feet, triggering the misfortunate hero to jump up. 

"Shit!" The Hero of Time began to run around the chamber, with the cat clinging onto his tunic, as Ganon hurled fireballs at him. All he did was wave his arms around in the air and scream like a pussy. Of course it didn't occur to him to use his sword...the douchebag. All Zelda could do was watch like she always did. "Ganon's gonna burn my ass off!" 

"Link! Your sword! Use your sword, you dork!" Zelda shouted, then quickly added in, "But don't hurt my cat!" 

"Ah! What a great idea!" Link stopped running around the room and drew his sword. "Time to use this baby!" 

"TIME TO FIGHT ME, BOY!" Ganon remarked with glee. 

"...Uh, yeah!" So Link started to do some fancy fencing, which he was good at. Don't ask me to describe it here, because I'm not very good at that sort of thing. All you need to know is that if Link was born for one thing, it was to use a sword. Masturbation didn't count. Any fool could do that, and Link was no exception, but...I think you know what I mean. Don't ya, Charlie? 

"Throw me the ocarina, Link! I'll warp us outta here!" Zelda called from a safe distance. 

"Sweet! Another great idea, Zelda!" Link, while his left hand fought Ganon off, used his right hand to reach into his bag and pull out the instrument. The crazy glue had worked quite nicely. 

"DAMN! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GOOD FIGHTER, YET SUCH A DULL, PITIFUL, DORKISH INDIVIDUAL?" The King of Evil asked, dodging a sword swipe. 

"I'm Link! I do many wonders with my left hand!" The hero either had a temporary brain fart at that moment, or had honestly lost his mind. No one would say something idiotic like that so openly. ...Okay, Link would. 

"YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN, MR. LEFTY!" 

"Zelda! Here, catch--" Link, somehow even beyond the author's comprehension, managed to drop the ocarina onto the floor. Maybe it was an extra increase in gravity or something? "Oops! Me butterfingers!" he scolded himself. 

Ganon guffawed at the hero, "You imbecile!" 

Zelda was more blunt. "You asshole!" 

"Wait, hold on!" Just as Ganon went to snatch it up, Link kicked the ocarina over to Zelda. 

"Nice work, hero!" she mockingly praised, picking up the instrument. Link decided to rid Hyrule of Ganon once again, but he had to do it quickly. 

"Hey, Ganon!" Link pointed over Mr. Piggy's shoulder. "Isn't that Bea Arthur over there?" 

"BEA? WHERE?!" Ganon whirled around and saw nothing. "HEY, YOU DORK! YOU LIED!" Before the Emperor of the Evil Realm could react, Link tripped him. Hey, sometimes you just got to fight dirty to get what you want. It's a hero-eats-pig-world. He landed flat on his back and watched as Link placed his foot on his chest. 

"Heh...damn, I'm good." Link smugly grinned. 

"BLAST! I'VE BEEN FOILED AGAIN BY THE HALFWIT HYLIAN!" 

Meanwhile, Zelda had played "Hot Cross Buns" on the ocarina and a warp whirlwind was forming. "Hurry, Link!" she yelled. 

The Hero of Time looked down at Ganon, then raised up his sword. "Who's _your_ daddy?" 

"CURSE YOU, LINK! CURSE YOU AND YOUR ETERNAL VIRGINITY!" 

Link was about to stab Ganon when Zelda called to him a second time. "Link! Get your ass over here!" 

"Aw, shit! Well, it was fun! Catch ya later!" Link ran over to Zelda and Navi with Miss Snuffles still attached to his tunic. How the hell did she remain on him throughout the whole fight scene? I dunno! Quit asking questions! 

Ganon watched as the whirlwind warped the trio the hell out of there. It was suddenly very quiet in his vacation villa. Then, to break the silence, he began to scream. 

"GODDAMIT! I'M DEPRESSED! MY PLANS FOR PLAYING CUPID FAILED! HMPF...AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE MISS SNUFFLES TO CUDDLE UP TO!" He paused, looking up at his life-sized Bea Arthur cutout. "OH, BUT BEA...WE HAVE EACH OTHER! BWA HA! HA! HA!!!!!" 

Whew! I wrote this chapter in a DAY. I hope everyone liked it. I think it's the most insane chapter yet, by far. Don't expect the story to end now that Link has rescued Miss Snuffles. Oh no. The whole "catnapped" scenario was only the beginning of this saga. Expect to see some new characters arrive in the new few chapters. I've got a shitload planned for Link and Zelda! As always, keep the reviews coming! Go to my site to check out more Zelda and video game insanity, as well as a brand new message board. The link is in my profile page. Adios! 


	10. Aaron, Link's Hapless Protegee

Chapter 10: Aaron, Link's Hapless Protégée

The next thing Link remembered after being sucked up by the whirlwind was falling flat onto his back in Hyrule Castle's courtyard. 

"Goddamit!" he yelped. "I need to start wearing padding under my tunic!" 

Miss Snuffles, relieved that she was now home, scooted off of him and ran into the castle. Link rested his hands under his head and raised an eyebrow. "Where's my fair princess?" 

"AAGGGHHH!" 

The hero gleamed naughtily when he saw Zelda falling out of the sky, screaming and waving her limbs around like she was on fire. With an ear-to-ear grin, he held out his arms and said to himself, "Thank you, God." She landed directly on top of him with a thud. 

"Ouch!" Zelda wailed. 

"Aw, so I guess it does hurt when angels fall from Heaven, huh?" Link quipped, snaking his arms around her. "I didn't break your fall?" 

"Shut up, you goon!" 

Without thinking, (which Link rarely did anyway) he yanked her close and refused to let go. She immediately caught notice, struggling against his grip. 

"What are you doing?" Zelda demanded. 

"Well, here we are. We're home! I saved your cat and your kingdom once again..." 

"Yeah, thanks. Now let me go!" 

"Uh-uh, can't do that, Princess! You owe me a kiss!" 

"No I don't!" 

"Yes you do! A big, wet, sloppy one! And I want it _now!_" 

She recoiled in horror, remembering the promise she had made to Link as they fled from Zora's Domain. _...Ugh, that's right. I said I'd kiss him once we got home after he rescued Miss Snuffles. Part of me wants to slap him! Look at that cocky gleam in his eye! Oohh! He gets me so angry I could...I could...why do I suddenly want to kiss him?..._

"Alright, Link. I'm a woman of my word. Just keep in mind that it doesn't mean anything." 

"Sure it doesn't." he smiled. She bent her head down to kiss him. Naturally, she was interrupted in the process. "Remember, you'll let me use tongue!" Link laughed. He was giddy with giddiness. 

"Whatever." 

"Do I get to touch you?" 

"...You're touching me now." 

"No, I mean, do I get to _touch_ you?" 

"Huh? ...Oh! NO!" 

"Okay, good enough." Link anxiously moved in to snatch a kiss before Zelda could react, but as things always go in this sordid tale, Link didn't get what he was hoping for. 

"Link! Zelda! Welcome back!" It was the Hylian King. 

The princess pulled away from Link _just_ as he was gonna get his smooch and saw her father waddling over to them. Miss Snuffles was snuggled in his pudgy arms. 

"Daddy!" Zelda squealed, getting up to hug him. 

Link sighed. _...Honestly Link, can you say you were surprised that this would happen? No, I can honestly say I wasn't surprised. Guess I'm not getting my kiss. What a shock! Woah, what was that? Was it the earth spinning off its axis? What a groundbreaking_ _revelation! Mwa hahaha--er, what the hell is going on?..._

He got up and joined the king and princess. The monarch nodded his head at the Hero of Time. 

"Link, thank you for rescuing my daughter's beloved pet. Your valiant efforts will not go unrewarded!" 

Link looked over at Zelda and frowned. "Oh, they already have." he murmured, shoving his hands into his tunic pockets. Does he actually have pockets on his tunics in the games? I mean, he should, right? Otherwise, where would he be pulling out his hookshot and bombs from? His ass? 

"Daddy, I must tell you all about our adventure!" Zelda tugged on the king's sleeve and began to walk with him into the castle. Once the coast was clear, Navi flew out from Link's pouch and started complaining. Hey, it's what she did best. 

"What a bitch. Come on, Link. You need some rest. Want me to give you a back rub?" 

"Yeah, right." he smirked. "How are you gonna do that?" 

"Well, maybe it's not your back that needs the rubbing..." she coaxed, batting her miniature eyelashes like a pint-sized vixen. It didn't work. 

"Oh Jesus Christ, I'm going to my room to sleep. I'll see you later, Navi." Link headed off, following Zelda back into Hyrule Castle. The faerie followed him all the way up to his room, where he happily collapsed onto the bed. "It's bedtime for Bonzo." he chirped, closing his eyes. It had been a while since he slept comfortably in a bed. The last time that happened was the night they chilled with the Zoras, when Zelda went apeshit on Ruto. Heh, that rocked. 

Navi took a seat on a bedpost, pulling her knees under her chin. "So...you want to do something later, cutie?" 

No answer. 

"Fine then, I'm going to check my e-mail. Later!" She buzzed off. Ha ha ha! I made a funny! 

For the rest of the afternoon Link slept like a baby, enjoying raunchy dreams laced with visions of Zelda and Pop Tarts. Meanwhile, the princess was seated with her father in the Royal Family Room (such originality!) shooting the shit. 

"Daughter, tell me about your adventure!" 

"Oh Daddy, it was so exciting!" Zelda smoothed out her dress and picked Miss Snuffles up off the floor. She hadn't worn a dress since she disembarked with Link. Its silky fabric felt nice against her legs and made her feel all girly. "There were times when Link and I...argued, but overall, it was a learning experience. Sure beats being cooped up in here all the time." 

"Indeed." The king shook his head in agreement. He decided to abruptly change the topic. "So Zelda...do you see yourself marrying him in a year or two?" 

"What you say?!" She was so taken back by her father's comment that she couldn't even speak proper English. Instead, some really bad Engrish escaped from her lips. 

"You heard me, Zelda. Don't you think Link makes an excellent suitor? He is the legendary hero of Hyrule. How often does one of those come around?" 

"Father, I will hear no more of this...this...tomfoolery!" She quickly stood up, sending her cat tumbling onto the floor. "Oh I'm so sorry, Miss Snuffles!" 

"Meow!" 

"It was only a simple question, dear daughter. Don't overreact." 

"I'm not overreacting!" Zelda yelled, clenching her fists at her sides. 

"Calm down, sweetie!" 

"I AM CALM!" 

Impa the nursemaid entered the room after hearing the sudden commotion. 

"Is everything all right in here?" she asked. 

"Everything's fine, Impa." Zelda sternly responded. 

"Zelda started panicking when I brought up the topic of her marrying Link." the Hylian king explained to the frail, Geratol-inhaling woman. 

"I'm not panicking!" 

"No need to shout, your Highness." Impa tried to silence Zelda's rants by motioning with her hands. "Besides, your father and I were discussing this same issue. I think it would be a wonderful idea to marry the boy-" 

"Why are we talking about this?!" the princess snapped. "Why are you two teaming up against me?!" 

"Why are you getting so defensive, Zelda?" her father questioned, alarmed at his spawn's reaction. "I thought you'd like the idea too. Link worships the ground you walk on. He's shown great valor on his journeys and has an unmatched dedication to Hyrule." 

"Not to mention that he's really hot!" Impa snickered, nudging arms with the king. 

"Oh, isn't he a cute one? Can you imagine what beautiful children Link and Zelda will produce?" 

The princess was horrified. This time, instead of spouting Engrish, she kept her mouth shut. Fear prevented her from opening it up and saying something. 

"They might walk into a few walls, but they'd certainly be pretty!" Impa continued. "My, if I were young enough, I'd go upstairs and give Link a test-drive, if you know what I mean!" 

"I only wish my daughter would have that attitude, Impa!" 

"You'd think that at her age, she'd at least have three children by now! Link seems so spry and virile!" 

"OH MY GOD, EW! SHUT UP!" Zelda finally had found the power to speak. She was disgusted beyond words. Appalled, even! No, she was more than that! She was aghast! Aghast, I tell you, aghast! 

"What's wrong, Zelda?" inquired the king. "You seem so...pale all of a sudden." 

"I-I can't listen to you two anymore! I'm going upstairs!" Without another word, Zelda stormed out of the room. The king looked at Impa and shrugged his shoulders. 

"Was it something we said?" 

"Heh, did you see her blush, your Majesty? She wants that boy bad." 

The princess, in a frenzy, darted down the hall and up the stairs. 

_...How dare they say things like that to my face! I hope to God Link didn't overhear, 'cause it'll make the moron gloat like there's no tomorrow. Yuckies! They want me to marry Link? Even worse, they want me to make babies with him? How vulgar! Stop kidding yourself, Zelda. You like it when you hear things like that, but you know you can't show it. Ack! I want the part of my brain that says rational things to shrivel up and die! _(Author's note: That already happened, long ago.) _I can't bear to think of Link in that way! We have a hard time getting along as friends. As a couple, we'd be at each other's throats. Then again, maybe we wouldn't be. It would be interesting to hear what Link would say to all this nonsense. Hell, I might as well ask him. I'm right in front of his room..._

Zelda stared at Link's closed bedroom door for several minutes. Taking in a deep breath, she slowly opened it, only to find a sleeping Link, cuddling onto his pillow and making cooing sounds. 

"Aw, how cute. The lazy ass isn't even home for an entire afternoon and he's already asleep." She turned around, and as a teaser, added, "I guess he can forget about that kiss." 

At her last words, Link's head shot up and he smiled in a very peculiar manner. "Kiss?" he began. "Yes, I do believe you owe me that." 

"Wow. That was some reaction I just got from you." She twiddled her thumbs and looked down at her royal feet. "If you're that anxious, I might as well give you your kiss then." 

"Quit standing in my doorway and get over here, Princess!" Link cheered. He eagerly outstretched his arms. 

"Let's not get carried away, hero." Zelda walked over to the bed, where he grabbed her and pulled her on top of him. They've got an awful habit of getting on top of each other and doing nothing, don't they? "Link!" she laughed. _...Oh! How devilish of me! I feel like a child who should get slapped across the knuckles with a hard object!..._

He simply wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly. They smiled and gazed into each other's eyes. And then birds flew in through the window and started singing a joyful song. The clouds parted, allowing the rays of the setting sun to illuminate the room. Angels descended from their posts, and a choir of prepubescent boys broke out into Handel's "Hallelujah" chorus. ...Na, I'm just fucking with you! Link and Zelda only stared at each other longingly. 

The princess reached out and snatched Link's trademark green sock/hat right off his head. 

"Hey!" Link jokingly cried, trying to get it back. "Why'd you do that?" 

"This thing is so gross!" She held the cap up and made a face. "How long have you had it?" 

"For as long as I can remember." He adjusted himself so they now would be lying on their sides facing each other. "My mother left it in my basket when she abandoned me in front of the Great Deku Tree." 

"You had a basket?" Zelda grinned. 

"Yeah! Along with a Beethoven for Babies CD." 

"You know, this thing was probably meant to be used as a diaper, Link." 

"Think so?" 

"Maybe." 

"I prefer to wear it on my head rather than on my ass, thank you very much!" 

Zelda dropped the green sock thingie onto Link's chest. "Hey, has my father said anything to you recently?" 

"Well, he said 'welcome back' before! Does that count?" 

She rolled her blue eyes. "That's not what I meant." 

"Then what did you mean?" 

"Has he said anything to you about me?" 

"All the time! Like what?" 

"About us?" 

"Hmm, not really." 

"Oh." _...Christ, what a relief!! Aw, now I feel like poop though. Link looks so adorable right now with his disheveled hat hair!..._

"Zelda, if your father says anything to me, I'll make sure that I tell him nothing but the truth." 

"...Which is?" Zelda nervously asked. "About what a bitch I can be?" 

"No! That you're just my favorite girl in the universe, and that I'd trek the longest, driest deserts and swim the deepest blue oceans just to get a glimpse of you. Hell, I've done that already! Not every guy can sincerely admit to that!" 

She giggled, feeling blood rush to her cheeks faster than Michael Jackson to a little boy. Link gently brushed some of her hair away from her face and wore a smile similar to a confused puppy's. 

"That's exactly what I'd say, Zelda. Oh, of course I'll throw in the whole 'I'd die for her' thing too, because although it's something I've already told you, it's something I still and will always mean." 

"Link..." Her voice trailed off. _...Jesus, what do I say to that? Hmm, maybe I should say what I'm thinking now. That would make sense, wouldn't it? He's so pressing my right buttons! I'd like him to press up against something else... _"Link?" 

"Yes, Zelda?" he sweetly questioned. _...Oh my God, is she going to say what I think she's gonna say? Please!!!!!! If there is a god, Zelda will say it!!!..._

"Oh, Link..." She suddenly looked at him with a desperate look in her eye. "Kiss me!" 

The Hero of Time did his best to hide his immense joy by nonchalantly replying, "I must obey my princess..." _...Who's your daddy??..._

It was like a moment out of a fairy tale...well, a screwy fairy tale. They embraced as Zelda practically forced Link on top of her. Their bottom lips were barely touching when something happened to ruin the moment, like it always does. Doesn't Link ever learn? 

"WOAH!! Link, I didn't know you and Zelda were just about to get it on! I'll come back later!" It was Aaron, Link's protégée who also lived at Hyrule Castle. The royal palace also served as a youth hostile. As he was about to leave, Zelda, you can say, regained her senses. 

"Aaron! Come back, it's okay!" She pushed Link off and sat up. The hero began grinding his teeth. He sure as shit wasn't okay with it, goddamit! 

"You sure, Princess?" The boy sheepishly reentered the room. Link was giving him the infamous "Look of Death", you know, if looks could kill? "I can always come back later." Aaron added as he saw his mentor's expression. 

"No, stay!" Zelda barked. She was afraid if Aaron left, Link would want to continue getting all lovey-dovey. 

"Yes, Aaron. Stay." Link insisted in a somewhat demonic tone. _...Yes, stay. You've already fucked it up! There really must be a god above...a god with a cruel sense of humor!!..._

Aaron was like Link's little brother, and the Hero of Time loved him dearly, but...it was inevitable now. Aaron had to die. 

"So Link, I just wanted to know if you could help me with my archery tomorrow. I mean, since you're a master archer and all..." the teenager spoke slowly. He was afraid one bad move would send Link over the edge, and he'd use him to sharpen the Master Sword on. 

_...Yes Aaron, let's play a game of William Tell..._ Link thought. "Sure, Aaron. No problem." 

"Okay, kick ass. Well, I'll leave you two alone now. You've both been away from home for a long time and look quite frisky! Later!" The boy left, shutting the door behind him. 

Link quickly yanked Zelda down and got on top of her. When he went to kiss her, she twisted her head around and he ended up tonguing his pillow instead. 

"No, Link. I'm not in the mood anymore." She pushed him off and stood up. 

"Zelda!" Link pathetically shrieked. "Don't leave me like this!" 

"Stop it, Link! Grow up! Be a man, you pussy!" With that tidbit of advice, she walked out and slammed his door. 

"What a fucking bitch!" he laughed to himself. He couldn't help but laugh. That's how damn pitiful his situation was. "If I had a rupee for how many times her and I have been interrupted, I'd be fucking rich!" He scanned the quiet room and smiled. "Well, since Zelda and I can't act out our fantasies in reality, we'll have to do them inside my head!" He dived under his blankets and did the very action that earned him the nickname "Mr. Lefty." Tee-hee! 

Things weren't so peaceful and gay back in Zelda's bedroom up in the castle tower. She was resting on her stomach on top of her bed, pondering as hard as she could without hurting herself. 

_...Din, what almost happened up there? I'm starting to crumble under him--literally! If Aaron hadn't come in, I might've been...might've been...doing unladylike things! But I kinda wish Aaron never walked in. I can't give in to Link's desires--or my own! No matter how badly I want to jump his bones, I can't do it! I MUST NOT do it! Oh God, if I keep it up like this, Link's gonna get his way! OUCH!! I'm thinking too hard. Let me just go to sleep. Hmpf. I could've been sleeping in Link's arms if--Zelda, stop it!... _The two sides of her brain (the ones that functioned, obviously), started arguing back and forth. _...You want him! No you don't! You want him! No you don't! You want him badly! No you don't! Shut the fuck up! You are so horny right now, admit it! No you're not! You're just PMSing!..._

While she was thinking, her father had walked up to her room and remained in the doorway. Since she appeared to be sleeping, he left her alone. "Aw, she's asleep. I'll talk to her in the morning." 

Zelda wasn't asleep at all. Her brain cells were at war. ..._Face it, you want him bad!! No you don't! Just think, you could've been contorted like a pretzel with him on top of you right now!... _She couldn't take it anymore. "I DON'T WANT TO FUCK HIM!!!" she screamed as she shot up. 

"E-Excuse me, Zelda?" her father asked, amazed. "What in Hyrule are you dreaming about?!" 

"Oh, hi Daddy! I didn't notice you there." 

"Er, if you say so. I just came up to wish you good-night." 

"'Nite, Daddy!" 

"'Nite, sweetie." He kissed the top of her head. "It's nice having you home." 

"It's nice being home." 

"See you in the morning." With a smile, he left the room. Miss Snuffles wandered in and hopped up onto the bed next to Zelda. 

"Oh, my kitty. What should I do about Link?" 

"Meow." 

"Should I continue to scorn him?" 

"Meow." 

"Or should I give in to my urges?" 

"Meow!!" 

"Maybe some sleep will calm me down. Dammit, I'm really horny though!" She crawled under the covers and blew out her candle. "Maybe I should do what Link does when he feels like this. No, no, I can't do that! ...Sure you could." 

"MEOW!" 

"Eep! I forgot you were here! Sorry! I'll masturbate another time!" 

The next morning, bright and early, Link was helping Aaron with his archery in the castle yard. 

"Now Aaron, it's time to play a game." Link explained as he picked up his bow. "It'll be fun." 

"Really? Cool." 

"Yes, it's called 'William Tell'." 

"Hey! Isn't that where I shoot arrows at an apple on top of your head?" 

"Correction, Aaron. I'll be William. You're Tell. And I won't shoot an apple off your head. Instead, I'll just be shooting _at_ your head." 

"Er, isn't that dangerous?" 

"Don't worry, I'm a master archer." 

"That's what I'm afraid of..." the sixteen year old boy mumbled. 

"Go stand in front of that tree." Link pointed at an old oak tree with some homeless dude in its branches. 

"But-" 

"Do it!!" 

Aaron timidly headed over to the tree and stood still. 

"Good, good." Link muttered as he aimed his arrow with his trusty magical bow. It's not like every goddam object Link owns is enchanted. It's just that he's the Hero of Time, so he gets all the cool shit. Cool sword. Cool bow. Cool ocarina. If only he could get laid. 

The frightened protegee clenched his eyes shut. "Aw, Link! If this is about-" 

_Zing! _ An arrow shot right passed his head and stuck into the tree about a millimeter away from him. 

"Link! Are you still pissed about last night?!" he yelled as sweat drops formed on his brow. 

"Yes!!" 

_Zing!_ Another arrow, only closer this time. 

"Dammit, Link! I said I was sorry! It was a total accident!" Aaron pleaded for his life. "Believe me, if I would've known Zelda was in there with you, I wouldn't have walked in!" 

Link lowered his bow and arrow. "Sorry, Aaron. I was just trying to scare you into knocking before you enter my room next time." 

"Well, you did a damn good job! I almost shit my tights!" He walked back over to Link and they both took a seat on the grass. 

"Aaron?" 

"Yeah, Link?" 

"Do you think it's wrong for me to want a kiss from Zelda? I mean, after all the crap she puts me through?" 

"Hell no, dude! For all the shit you do for her, she should have her legs open 24/7 for you! You should be making her scream who her _real_ daddy is!" 

Link smiled. "Thanks, Aaron. You always manage to make me feel better." 

"No problem, dude! You're the man! I only tell the truth. If I feel that Zelda should be givin' your junior Master Sword a waxing, it's gospel truth!" 

"I'm sure it is, Aaron. I just wish I could go up to her and tell her how I feel." 

"Well, why don't you? She's right there." He nodded his head over to the Royal Daisy Garden on the opposite side of the yard, where Zelda was tending to her plants. 

"God, she looks so beautiful right now." Link dreamily said, clenching his bow close to his chest. Zelda was wearing a long white silky robe...a thin long white silky robe. The gentle summer breeze whipped it around her legs, showing off her great God-given body. "Jesus Christ, look at those curves in all the right places! Look at those hips...that thin waist...that nice ass...her voluptuous rack...her-" 

"Okay Link, don't get cum all over yourself now! A least gain a little control. We all know what you want to do with that ass." the boy grinned as he gazed at Zelda. "She is pretty hot, but she's such an uptight witch. But dude, you know she wants your ass as well." he continued, turning his attention back to Link. Alas, the poor hero was still lasciviously staring at Zelda. "Link, you listening to me?" 

"Uh-huh..." 

"As I was saying, Zelda wants you just as badly as you want her! She probably wore that...that...curtain on purpose to give you a hard on. Heh, and judging by the way you're eyeing her up and down like a popsicle, I'd say the curtain did its job!" 

"God I want her..." 

"The trick to her is her pride. She's a bitch. I hate it say it, but she is--and if she did one day decide to go out with you, that would smash her ego. But since she has to be all high and mighty about it, she lets you suffer, thus causing her to suffer as well in the process. It's not a complicated matter. She's the one being the bitch right now. If she'd be normal about it, you'd be banging her pretty ass and you'd both be happy!" Aaron was having fun lecturing his hero. "She may lead you to believe that she's dryer than the Haunted Wasteland, but in reality, she's wetter than goddam Lake Hylia if you get my drift... Damn Link, are you ain't hearing a word I say!" 

"...Need...Zelda...sweet merciful crap...I need her..." He was now biting on his bow. 

"Look at her in white, trying to act all virginal. What a joke. Physically yes, she may be a virgin..." Aaron gazed up at Link, who was still gnawing away at his weapon. "...But I'm sure you'd love to do something about her virginity...and yours too--anyway, inside that twisted little brain of hers, she ain't no virgin! She probably thinks of you every night before going to bed, then has dreams that would make Larry Flint blush!" 

"Yes, Zelda...bend down some more...oh, that's right. Who's your daddy?" 

"You know what you should do, Link?" 

"Bend down _just_ a little more..." 

"You should go right up to her and be like, 'Aight, bitch! Who's your daddy?' Then when she's on her knees and all horny and is like," He used a really funny girly sounding voice to supplement for Zelda. "'Oh, you baby! You!', you should rip it out of your tights and be like 'Here, bitch! Get on your knees and show me how much you love me!' and yeah, that would rule 'cause of course, she'd be like drooling to get that sucker into her mouth, and yeah that would fucking rock!" 

"Aaron?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Shut up." 

"Oh okay, Link. You rule." 

"I'm gonna go talk to her." 

"Woah, you sure, dude?" 

"Yeah. I hope she's not thinking about last night." 

"Good luck! And remember who her real daddy is!" 

"Yeah," Link smiled as he stood up. "I'm gonna go tell her how I feel!" 

"Kick some ass, dude!" 

Link walked over to the princess and her flower garden. "Hey, Zelda." 

"Heya." She didn't bother to look up. 

"Your daisies look very nice today." 

"Why thank you." 

"Er, what a splendid morning, eh?" 

"Very." 

Link bit his lip, nervous as all hell. "Well, I'll be over there. Right there..." He stupidly pointed in Aaron's direction. The princess looked up at Link, then over at Aaron, who politely waved to her. She returned the gesture. "I'll be over there if you need any help." 

"It's okay, Link. I don't need any." She cast her eyes downward to her daisies again. 

"Oh, sure. I'll catch you later then." 

"Bye." 

Link, heartbroken, made his way back over to Aaron and sat down. He buried his face in his hands and sighed. 

"There, there, big guy." the teenager comfortingly said as he patted Link's back. "You'll get another chance." 

"I want her so badly, Aaron! It's not even for sexual favors--although I'd like them very much. I just want her to hold and love, and to know that she's finally mine. The sex is just a bonus." the hero whined. 

"Why don't you just get a pet then?" Aaron joked. "Na, I was just kidding. Link, you'll get what's coming to you someday. Meh, she didn't even look at you before." 

"She did, for like a split second." 

"Yeah, she probably wouldn't have been able to stand looking at you for a long period of time, 'cause then she would've ended up going," For a second time, he emulated Zelda by talking in a high-pitched voice. "'Oh Link! I can't take it anymore! Take me! Take me right here and now in my daisies! Deflower me in my flowers! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! You're my daddy!!'" 

Link was cracking up at Aaron's Zelda impersonation. 

"There, I made you smile!" the boy laughed. 

"Yeah, thanks for cheering me up. C'mon, let's go get something to eat." The Hero of Time got to his feet. "Wallowing in my own self-pity makes me hungry. I'm starving!" 

"Sure, Link. Just hold on a sec. Go ahead without me, I'll be right there." 

"Alright, I'll meet you in the kitchen. I'll have Impa make us some smore PopTarts!" Link scampered off into the castle. Aaron got up and stretched. He stared at Zelda, who was still hard at work in her garden. 

"Maybe I can have a word with her." He bravely approached the princess. She put her shovel down when she noticed Aaron standing above her. 

"Yes, Aaron?" 

"Hey, Zelda. How are you this morning?" 

"...Fine." she suspiciously replied. "Did Link put you up to this?" 

"No! He had nothing to do with this. I figured I'd talk to you for a bit. Actually, I wanted to apologize about last night. Me walking in on you and Link like that was really damn stupid." 

_...You should've knocked first, you twit!... _Zelda angrily thought. "Oh, no problem, Aaron. Things were beginning to get out of hand anyway." 

"You think so? Actually, I think I messed up a good thing." 

"What does that mean?" 

"Nothing." 

"Oh." 

"..........." 

"..........." 

"I think I should be going now." Aaron stated. He felt as dumb as Link did earlier. 

"Yes, I agree." 

"I'll be talking to you later then." 

"Uh-huh." She was no longer looking at him, but had turned back to her flowers. 

The teenager left the Hylian princess and followed Link's steps back into the castle. _...Goddam_! _She really is difficult to talk to! How the hell does Link even manage to have a conversation with her? She better be one good piece of ass, because if she's not, she ain't worth it!..._

Later that day, Link was up in his room polishing his weaponry. 

"Dum de dum de dum..." He started to sing along to some hard rock. "She's the only one for me... Oh yeah, she's my one and only..."A knock at the door triggered him to stop serenading himself. "Come in!" 

Princess Zelda entered his abode and folded her arms. Link was surprised to see her. He figured she'd be avoiding him. _...Heh, she can't get enough of me. I don't blame her. I am a husky hunk..._ "Oh, hi Zelda." 

"Hey, Link. Umm...I have to go find a new horse today. I'm going to Lon Lon Ranch, and since you know a lot about this sort of thing, I thought you'd like to accompany me." 

"Of course, Princess!" he cheered, throwing down his rag. "I'm good friends with the guys over there. They'll be able to hook us up with a nice horsey for you." 

"That's good." 

"Yeah." 

Zelda uneasily shifted from one foot to the other. Link coughed. Zelda found herself crossing and uncrossing her arms. Link's left leg began to nervously shake. Zelda grabbed some of her skirt and squeezed it. Link removed his hat and ran his fingers through his hair. There was enough tension in the room that you could cut it with a knife. Link searched for the right words to say, but kept coming up empty. Zelda also wanted to say something, but felt a frog in her throat. Ribbit! Eventually, the Hero of Time said something. 

"Will that be all, Zelda?" 

"Yes. Want to leave in a few minutes?" 

"Sounds lovely." 

"Delightful. I'll wait for you outside." She forced a smile and left. 

Link grinned to himself. "You will be mine, Zelda...so help you _God!!!_" 

So he put down his sword and shield and met the princess in the courtyard. They exchanged few words before departing for Lon Lon Ranch. In the meantime, at the same ranch, a red-headed young woman sat in the barn, combing her pony's hair. She sang a demented tune as she ran the brush through the creature's mane. (Imagine a sick version of Epona's Song here, people). Her smile was vacant, as were her eyes. She stared off into the distance, not really focusing on anything in particular. Her pea-brain was filled with thoughts of her hero clad in green. She was totally infatuated with Link. Hey, what woman in Hyrule _wasn't_? Anyway, little did she know that he was making his way over to her ranch at that very second. Giggling, she absentmindedly braided some of the horse's hair, imagining that it was Link's glowing blonde locks. Clearly, this chick wasn't your average Hylian woman. This was Malon the ranch-girl, and she was completely out of her fucking mind. 

This chapter was basically written to introduce you to another main character, Aaron. I originally got the idea for him six years ago from Dave Chappelle's performance in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Sweet, huh? Hehe...Malon/Link fans may crucify me for the next chapter, but don't worry, I'm not planning on killing her!! I'm a diehard Link/Zelda fan, so I'm just going to have fun with Malon for a bit. :) Naturally, it'll be insanely done. As always, reviews are welcome! Until the next, bitches! 


	11. Dementia, Thy Name is Malon

_Warning: Malon fans or fans of the Malon/Link pairing may want to draw and quarter me after reading this chapter. At least I don't kill her, and she will be back in future chapters. If you flame me for this, then you're as pathetic as Link on prom night. _

Chapter Eleven: Dementia, Thy Name is Malon

Princess Zelda and Link walked silently down the dirt path which lead from Hyrule Castle to Lon Lon Ranch. Ironically, it was the only goddam ranch in a kingdom which mostly relied on four-legged transportation. Then again, it never really bothered anyone that this business was run by two Mushroom Kingdom rejects who looked an awfully lot like drugged-out versions of Mario and Luigi. Talk about unoriginality! Anyway, the two awkwardly continued down the road, unsure of what to say to each other. 

Link kept his arms behind his back while Zelda stared at the dirt beneath her lovely feet. The walk was only about a mile, but it felt like twenty at the pace they were going. 

"So Zelda," Link cautiously began. "What kind of horsey do you want?" 

"A dunno. A pretty one." she shrugged, not really thinking much of it. 

"I'm sure they have lots of pretty horses." 

"I hope so." 

The small talk wasn't going anywhere. Link felt stupider than usual. _...What the hell should I say to her? 'Hey Zelda, after I get you this horse, can I have a kiss?' I think I'd be rewarded with a knee to the nuts! But hey, that would be better than nothing, right? Link...you've become a masochist in the name of love..._

Then, to Link's delight, Zelda spoke, "Is Malon gonna be there?" 

It was extremely obvious that she was jealous. Er, wait a second. Anything "extremely obvious" isn't exactly _that_ obvious to our Hylian hero. It's almost like making him read Greek after having his eyes plucked out by ravenous vultures. He can barely understand what's easy, so never mind something more complex...like long division. Heh, but he didn't let this go over his head. 

"Oh, I'm not sure, Zelda. Why do you ask?" Link snickered. He knew the ranch-girl had a gargantuan (there's a word you don't use every day) crush on him. She was the Vice President of the Official Hero of Time Fan Club and had a penchant for naming every single one of her horses--didn't matter if they were male or female--Link. 

"I was just wondering, that's all." 

"Ah, okay." he smirked. _...You want me, Zelda. You can barely contain your jealousy. Oh...maybe she'll get into a catfight with Malon. Meow! They'd yank at each other's hair, and in the process, tear each other's dresses off. Then they'd start making out...and I'd join right in--..._

"Link!" Zelda suddenly cried, stopping in her tracks. 

"Yes, Zelda?" 

"I just thought of something!" 

"That's a first..." he muttered under his breath. "What is it?" 

"Where's Epona?" 

"Shit! I left her on Death Mountain before dueling with Ganon! I can't believe I forgot about her!" 

"You'd forget your own dick if you had to glue it on each morning..." Zelda growled between clenched teeth. "You idiot!" 

"Wait, watch this." He pulled out the magical ocarina and played a little tune on it. 

"What's that supposed to do?" she asked, unimpressed. At her inquiry, Link smiled. Zelda turned around and found herself face-to-face with Epona. "Ack! Don't sneak up on me like that!" 

Link laughed. He walked over to his horse and began petting her. "Now listen, Epona. Go home to Hyrule Castle. I'll be back later to give you some tasty oats. Mmm!" He smacked his lips. "Sounds yummy, right?" 

"You expect her to answer you, hero?" 

"Why not?" Link pressed his nose against Epona's and whispered to his equine friend, "I bet if you could talk you wouldn't be a constant nag, like my Hylian princess over there. Isn't that right, girl?" 

"Quit making out with your horse and let's go already!" 

"See now wasn't that stupid, Epona?" 

She neighed. 

"LINK!!!" Zelda shrieked. 

"Hehe, go back home! See you later, Epona!" Link slapped the horse's side and she galloped away...in the wrong direction. 

"She's going towards Lake Hylia!" the princess exclaimed, grabbing Link's arm. 

"Don't worry. I never said she was a bright horse..." He looked down at the grip Zelda had around him and smiled. "Zelda, if you want to get rough with me, let's go find a hotel room somewhere-" 

"You wish, dumbass!" She let go. 

"Well excuse me, Princess!" 

And then there was silence. Link started walking down the road again. Zelda scooted over next to him. 

"Time to see what the winning lotto numbers are!" The Hero of Time scooped out the latest edition of the Hyrule Times from his satchel and opened up the newspaper as he strolled. Zelda made a face. 

"You're reading the paper now?" 

"And why not? I didn't have time to read it this morning." he said. "It's not like you and I are having a stimulating conversation anyway." 

"Hmpf." Zelda stuck her nose into the air. 

"Oh my God!!!" he abruptly cried, eyes bugging out. "Princess Ruto killed herself?!" 

The princess felt a rush of adrenaline go through her as she grew nervous. "W-Wow, really?" She did her best to lie. "What happened?" 

"This is insane! Here, I'll read you the article: The Zora princess was found with her head stuffed into a toilet bowl. The apparent cause of death was suicide. At a party immediately following her funeral, eight Zoras were arrested for lewd conduct. More on page six." 

"How tragic." 

"Er, she's a fish. How did she die underwater? It couldn't have been because of drowning." 

"I don't know, Link. She was severely messed up." 

"But how the hell can a fish die by sticking her head into a toilet bowl?!" 

"Maybe she tried flushing herself and the suction tore her face off or something like that." 

"Ew." He cringed at the thought. You know what's frightening, dear readers? I've actually had people questioning me about how a fish dies in the toilet. To be honest, I have no freaking clue. I just thought it would be funny, so laugh! Laugh, fools!!!! I don't hear you laughing!! "I'm going to read the rest of the article to see if it answers anything." 

"You go ahead and do that." 

"Dum de dum...it mentions a suicide note...she wasn't loved back...and she got served. Ouch, one rarely recovers from that. Jesus Christ! Zelda, she killed herself the night we were at Zora's Domain! You don't think that it had anything to do with you kicking her ass, do you?" 

"And so what if it did?" she calmly asked. "She annoyed the crap out of you anyway." 

"........Yeah. You're right. Fuck her!" He tossed the newspaper onto the ground and shrugged. "I've got my princess safe and sound, right here!" 

"That you do." Zelda breathed a sigh of relief. Luckily Link had no desire to ask if she had known about Ruto's death prior to him finding out. "She's fishsticks now." 

The hero giggled. Without warning, he reached out and grabbed Zelda around the waist. She stumbled a bit, but caught her footing. 

"Link!" 

"Hehe, you're gonna get a horsey today. Aren't you happy?" 

"I'm so delighted I can fart." 

The two didn't realize they were only ten feet away from the ranch's main entrance. Inside, Malon the ranch-girl had finished combing her pony's mane. She was just about to carve Link's name into her torso with an ice pick when she thought she heard his heavenly voice. 

"Be still, my beating heart!" she murmured to herself. "Is it really him? Is it really my sweet, beautiful husky Hylian hunk?!" 

Malon anxiously darted to the nearest window and peeked outside. There she saw Link with a blonde haired woman in his arms. Although she couldn't tell her identity, as the woman had her back towards the window, Malon had a feeling it was Zelda. 

"Goddam that crusty bitch! Why'd she have to come along and ruin the fun? Time for me to kill her and chop her body up to feed to my horses! And as for Link...I'll just have to lick my breakfast off his six-pack chiseled stomach. Here I come!!" 

Outside, the two had no idea what was going on. 

"C'mon, let's get your horse and go home." Link said to Zelda. 

"Good idea-" 

"Link?! Is that you?!" a familiar voice shouted from out of nowhere. 

At the sound, Zelda pushed Link away and folded her arms. _...Malon. It's time for my foot and her ass to meet..._

Out from the corral ran a young redheaded Hylian. She approached Link like an oncoming train. He braced himself. 

"Oh, Link! Link! Link!" Malon dove into his arms and snuggled her face on his chest. "I've missed you so much!" 

"Hey, Malon." He faked a smile as he greeted her. 

Zelda angrily stared at the ranch-girl. _...How dare she do that in front of me! She's resting her head where I rest my head! That witch!_... 

Link knew it was eating Zelda up inside, so he began to flirt with Malon. 

"It's nice seeing you again too." He pointed his finger in Zelda's direction. "Now, I'm here with my...friend that needs a horse." Malon picked her head up and saw the scowling princess' eyes burning a hole into her. 

"Hi, Zelda." she growled. 

"Hi." Zelda returned the gesture. Link gleefully noticed. He pushed Malon aside and went to take Zelda into his arms when she motioned for him not to. The ranch-girl, upon viewing Zelda's reaction, gladly wrapped her arms around Link's waist and rested her head on his back. 

_...Woah! That bitch better chill before I rip her head off and shove it up her ass! She's getting too touchy-feely with him. He's my bitch, not hers!..._ the Hylian princess thought. She didn't even notice that she was grinding her teeth, but Link sure did! 

_...Yeah, she wants me. Look at her...like some enraged tigress. Oh yeah, I'm her daddy..._

"Wow, Link! You're so muscular!" Malon exclaimed as she squeezed the biceps on his left arm. "Must've been from collecting all those keys!" 

"Well yeah, the body comes with the 'hero' package." he grinned. Zelda stared at him with a blank look on her face. He knew he deserved to be slapped silly. 

"Zelda, you've got to feel this!" the ranch-girl cheered, still squeezing Link's arm. Now Link wasn't like a goddam steroided-out (I just made up a new term!) American Gladiator or anything like that. As a matter of fact, he was average, but he was nicely built for his frame. You can't save the world with a flabby stomach, now can you? Zelda often took mental notes of this, like, "Oh, look at that chest through that tight tunic..." or if he wasn't wearing a tunic and just a regular shirt, "Oh...look at that tight butt!!" 

But anyway, Zelda was getting ticked at Malon's roaming hands. Link decided he had let her hands wander around long enough. He didn't want them going where only Zelda's hands were allowed. Just as she was going to make a beeline for his ass, Link moved away and stood next to Zelda. 

"I need a horse." the princess dryly said. 

"We don't have any." Malon lied rather stupidly. 

The Hylian duo raised their eyebrows at the same time. "You don't have horses?" questioned Link, surprised. 

"What do you mean?" Zelda snapped. "This is a ranch. You gotta have a damn horse moseying around here somewhere!" 

The ranch-girl looked towards the sky and began to balance on her heels. "I have an old dying nag." she simply answered. 

"Liar! I saw ten horses in the corral before!" 

"Umm...they're sickly." 

"Malon, where are Talon and Ingo?" Link butted in. He found it odd that the owners of Lon Lon Ranch were nowhere to be found. Fast forward to a scene inside another house on the ranch: Talon and Ingo were bound and gagged together, unable to move or scream for help. Back to the trio outside. 

"They're...out." 

"Out?" 

"Yes, out!!" Malon yelled. "...Do you want to have tea with me, Link?" 

Zelda was losing her patience. "We don't have time for that-" 

"I wasn't asking you. I asked Link." 

"Thanks, but no thanks, Malon." he replied. 

"If you don't have tea with me I won't give you a horsey!!" 

"Are you threatening us?" the princess sneered. 

"No, because if I were to threaten you, I'd say 'Zelda, hand over Link before I rip your still beating heart out of your chest with my ten inch Ginzu knife here.'" Malon produced a huge blade out from behind her back and flashed it calmly. Zelda grabbed Link and yanked him close. 

"Don't let this bitch near me. She's a fucking loony tune!" she hissed, practically sticking her head into his armpit. 

"Malon...you don't mean that." Link addressed the demented ranch-girl. 

"Tee-hee!" She hid the knife somewhere in her skirt and it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. "Then have tea with me." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

The demented redhead led the two into the ranch house, where three chairs and a table were set up. Reluctantly, Link and Zelda sat down, too afraid to say anything. In one quick motion, Malon kicked the vacant chair onto its side and giggled. 

"Looks like there are only two seats. I'll have to sit on Link's lap!" 

"Sweet Jesus!" the hero yelped as he saw her ass backing up closer to him. "Malon, there's a chair right there!" 

"I said there's no fucking chair!" Malon's shriek caused Zelda to jump in her seat. The ranch-girl plopped down on the Hero of Time and snaked her arms around him. "This is _much_ more comfy than that crappy old chair." she quipped, staring at the princess. All Zelda could do was stare back angrily. 

"Er, you said you wanted to have tea with us." Link explained. His hands gripped the sides of his seat. 

"Tea can wait. Let's sit here and snuggle, okay?" 

"I'd like to just get Zelda a horse-" 

"I said let's sit here and snuggle, _okay_?" Then she added with a laugh, "You don't want me to take out my knife again, do you?" 

"Malon, when did you become such a freak?" 

"Ever since I first laid eyes on you, my love." 

"Ah-hem!" Zelda loudly cleared her throat. _...I'm gonna kill her!! I'm gonna grab her knife and play a real life game of 'Operation' with it, using her as my corpse!! Oh my, I'm quite the jealous one, aren't I? She's only hitting on Link...the object of my affection. Did I just admit that?! I'm almost as crazy as she is!..._

Link was also pondering to himself while Malon ogled him with insane eyes. _...Why do I have every single freaking woman in Hyrule after me except for Zelda?! Is this my curse?! Why couldn't this be Zelda sitting on my lap? Hmm, maybe if I put a bag over Malon's head and stick her in one of Zelda's dresses, it won't really matter if I'm banging the real Zelda or not! Great Din, is this how pathetic I've become? It's either Zelda or nothing, and I'm pretty used to getting nothing..._

"Ack!" he hollered, hastily getting to his feet. Malon went flying onto the floor. "I've got a leg cramp!" It was a lie, but a lie that got the ranch-girl the hell off of him. 

"Must've been caused by the weight of her fat ass..." Zelda muttered. She grinned at her psychotic rival, who was now gazing up at Link. 

"Oh, Link! Do you want me to go down on you?" Malon offered. "I'm already on my knees!" 

"Yeah, like that's really gonna help! Why don't you offer him something useful, like a heating pad, you twit?" The princess went to Link's aid. He continued to act like he was in pain so Zelda would allow him to rest up against her. 

"Fine, I'll go get him a heating pad, but I think a blow job would-" 

"Just get the goddam pad!" 

Malon sneered at Zelda's command, but had no choice. She vanished off into another part of the house. Instantly Link went back to normal. 

"You know I faked that, right?" 

"I could tell." 

"How?" 

"Evenyou're not _that_ much of a pussy." 

"Yes I am! Remember when the bunnies bit me?" 

"Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that. Then I guess you really are a limp dick." 

"That's right--hey! No I'm not!" 

"Ssh!" Zelda snapped. "She's probably spying on us or something. We have to get out of here!" 

"Good idea." He took her hand. "I'm gonna get the first horse I see so we can leave!" 

"Oh no you don't!!!" Malon screamed from the doorway. She flung the heating pad she was holding onto the wooded floor and roared at the two, "We haven't even had tea yet!" 

"Fuck tea!" Link shouted. "We're getting the hell out of here!" 

"Over my dead rotting body you are!" Like a lion attacking its prey, she leapt into the air and flew halfway across the room (again, don't ask), only to land on the hero's back. They fell down hard. Zelda backed away and looked at Link, who was helplessly pinned under Malon. He was on his stomach, writhing around like a bug under someone's foot. The ranch-girl happily sat on his back and brandished her butcher knife by waving it around in the air. 

"Zelda, go!" Link yelped. "Save yourself! Come back with help! I may not be alive by then, but at least take my remains so she won't do anything perverted to them!" 

"You're not going anywhere, Link! You're mine forever!" Malon continued to keep him down. "You'll never leave!" 

"Link, I'm not going to leave you!" Zelda tried to get closer to the pair on the floor, but the ranch-girl swiped at her with the knife. "Ack! Goddam crazy bitch!" _...She makes Ruto look like Little Red Riding Hood!..._

"Just go! I'll take care of myself!" 

"But-" 

"Dammit, go!!" 

The princess hesitantly began to exit the room, but turned back one last time. "Link, I'm going to go search for help! I'll be back as quickly as I can!" 

"Sounds like a plan!" 

Zelda darted out of the house and began to look around the ranch. There had to be other people there! Where in Nayru were Talon and Ingo? Where in Farore's name were all the horses? Where in the world was Carmen Sandiego? 

Malon was relentless in her struggle to keep Link stuck on his stomach. 

_...The one day I decide to go outside unarmed is the day this shit happens! Where's my sword when I need it? That's right, it's sitting on my bed next to my shield. It's real useful there! How am I gonna get this bitch off? She's got a ten inch knife in her hand, for Christ's sake!..._

He continued to wriggle around under her. Malon didn't weigh that much, so he managed to make some progress. 

"What are you trying to do, my hero?" she innocently questioned. 

"What does it look like?!" 

"You don't look comfortable." 

"No shit!" 

"May I give you a back-rub?" 

"Not with that knife!" 

"Hehe, no you silly goose! I'll use my hands...which are just aching to touch you, Link. You make me do crazy things..." 

Meanwhile, Zelda had wandered into another part of the ranch. 

"Hello?" she called out. "Anyone else here? Anyone sane?" 

At her cry, she heard what sounded like muffled voices coming from the building next to her. 

"What the...?" 

Curious, she attempted to enter the structure and found the door open. 

"Hello?" 

She was answered with more muffled sounds. 

"Keep trying to talk so I can follow your voice!" 

After tripping over several Cucco birds, she found two men tied together on the floor with gags in their mouths. They began (or at least attempted) to speak when they saw her. 

"Oh my God! Let me help you!" She immediately untied the ropes and removed the gags. "You're Talon and Ingo, right?" 

"That's us!" the fatter dude replied as he and his buddy got to their feet. "Hey, you're Princess Zelda! Can I have an autograph?" 

"No time for that now! That psycho Malon has Link trapped!" 

"Yeah, she's the one who did this to us!" Ingo explained. "The insane bitch whacked us both over the head with a frying pan, and the next thing we knew, we woke up like this!" 

"Ouch. Well, Link needs our help!" 

Back in the ranch house, Link was pleading with Malon for his life. 

"Malon, if you let me go, I won't tell anyone about this incident, okay?" 

"Can't do that!" 

"Goddamit..." he mumbled. "Then what will it take for you to remove yourself?" 

"I want you to be mine forever!!" 

"That's asking a bit much." 

"Okay, then just father my children." 

_...I've got to get the fuck out of here! Where's Zelda? Did she really ditch me? Heh, that would show her true intentions. Na, I believe she'll come back for me. If she truly cares about me--or dare I think it--loves me, she'll be back. But I must try to help myself... _He squirmed his head to the side and noticed that his right arm was still pinned under her, but his left was now loose._ ...If I can only free that arm. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm left-handed anyway. I don't need my right arm!..._

In a vain effort to free himself he began to gnaw on his right shoulder, just like a coyote would do when one of its limbs were trapped and beyond repair. 

"What are you doing, Link?" 

"I'm trying to free myself!" 

"Don't you dare!" Malon held the knife high above her head and was about to stab it into Link's neck when Ingo, Talon, and Zelda barged back in. "Shit! How'd you two get out?!" 

"Get off of him, Malon! Time to go back into solitary confinement where you belong!" the Super Mario look-alike Talon barked. 

"Yeah, what he said." Ingo did his best to appear heroic. 

"Zelda!!" Link broke out into a huge smile. "You came back for me!" 

"Of course I did! You still gotta get me a horse!" 

"My sweet, sweet Zelda." 

Before Malon could do something retarded and harm Link, Talon and Ingo clothes-lined the bitch. The knife skidded across the room. Link, now liberated from his insane host, hopped up and grabbed Zelda. 

"C'mon! I'll get the first horse I see and we'll be out of here!" 

They scampered out of the house and into the corral. Talon and Ingo were doing a great job preventing Malon from following Link and Zelda outside until she pulled out a frying pan from under her skirt (DON'T ASK) and smacked an unsuspecting Talon over the head with it. He hit the ground, unconscious. Ingo simply looked at her and shrugged. 

"Eh, I'm not gonna fight with you again. You're freaking crazy." 

"Hehe!! Spank you!" Malon ignored him and went after the Hylian duo. Of course, she found them among the horses in the corral. Link and Zelda didn't notice her as she stood in front of the gates. "Mwahaha! You're never leaving this ranch, Link!" 

"She's back! She's like a fucking Terminator!" Zelda wailed, holding onto the skirt of Link's tunic. 

Link snatched the reigns of the nearest horse. "Hey Zelda, do you like this horsey?" 

"Er, I guess." 

"Good, he's yours!" He mounted the horse and held out his hand. "Get up behind me, Zelda!" 

"A-Alright, hero." She trusted him and did as he said. Now if only she did that when he asked her for a kiss! 

Malon closed the gates of the corral and laughed like a madwoman (which she was, actually). She remained inside the pen to guard their only means of escape. "Link, I'm never going to let you go! Be mine!" 

"Sorry, can't do that!" he replied. "Malon I've told you numerous times that I just want to be friends. Has our relationship come to this?" 

"But I like you as much more than a friend! MUCH, MUCH MORE!!" 

"Get your own boyfriend!" Zelda hissed at the ranch-girl. _...Ooh my! By saying that did I imply Link was my boyfriend? Eh, who cares. I'll be his anything if he gets us out of here alive!..._

"Link!" Malon continued to rant. "Escape is futile! Shed your clothing now and be mine!" 

The Hero of Time ignored her and prompted the horse to begin galloping around the corral to gain speed. 

"Link, what are you doing?" Zelda whispered into his ear. 

"You'll see. Just hold on to me, okay?" 

Eventually the pony had reached its top speed, or at least what Link thought was its top speed. 

"Get back here, Link!" the ranch-girl howled from her spot inside the closed gates. "What are you doing?!" 

"Zelda, hold on tight!" 

"Eep!" the princess squeaked, clutching onto Link's waist with all her might. Needless to say, they both enjoyed it. He rode the horse in the gates' direction. 

_...I hope this horse is a good jumper, because if it isn't, then I'm so fucked...and not by the woman I want to be fucked by!..._

Malon was waving around her arms and jumping up and down. 

"You better not do what I think you're gonna do, Link! DON'T YOU DARE!" 

With finesse and grace (and not to mention a hell of a lot of luck), the horse successfully leapt over the gates, clearing them with ease. 

"Haha! Hell yeah!" Link laughed as he turned the horse around to face a shocked Malon. "I am so freaking _good_!!" 

"Thanks for the free horse, bitch." Zelda chirped before resting her head down on Link's back. 

"Shit! I'll get you someday, Link!" Malon pointed a finger at the couple. "And you will father my children, whether you like it or not! I love you!!!!" 

"Jesus, time to blow this popsicle stand!" The Hero of Time signaled the horse to start trotting away. Once they were at a safe distance from Lon Lon Ranch, they both exhaled a sigh of relief. "That girl needs help..." 

"Wow, Link! You're so muscular!" Zelda mimicked in Malon's ditzy voice. 

"Heh. I wonder if they have a support group for people like her." _...What am I saying? If they did, I'd be in it. Hell, I wouldn't just be in it, I'd be their spokesperson and president!..._

The events of the day were too traumatizing to be spoken of any further, so the pair rode silently home. Upon arriving back at the castle, Link directed the horsey over to the royal stables, where Epona was happily munching away on hay. Yes, somehow she found her way home. 

"Thank you, Link." Zelda was being grateful for once. "I had no idea that going to Lon Lon would require us to deal with such a deranged ranch-girl!" 

"No problem, Zelda." Link dismounted Epona and held out his hand for the princess to take. "Just doing my job. You asked for my help, and that's exactly what I gave you." he said, helping her off. They exchanged smiles, but really wanted to exchange a whole lot more...like spit. 

After a few lingering moments, Zelda bent down and looked under her new tan horse. 

"Whatcha doing?" Link asked, puzzled. 

"Seeing if my horse is a boy or a girl." 

"And?" 

She picked her head up. "It's a girl." 

"That's good! I don't have to worry about Epona getting pregnant now!" 

Zelda laughed at Link's comment and shook her head. 

"Well it's true! If she got impregnated, then I'd be out of a horse for quite a while, and there's _no way in hell_ I'm going back to Lon Lon Ranch for another one! I'd never make it out in one piece!" 

"You're right." the princess giggled. "Malon would eat you alive." _...Wanna eat me, Link?..._

"What are you gonna name her, Zelda?" 

"I'm not sure yet. Let me think about it." 

"Cool. Just tell me when you come up with one." Link stretched his arms out in front of him and arched his back. "I'm going to get some rest. I'm beat. Malon took a few years off my life today." 

"Sure." Zelda walked over to where some horsey supplies were and pulled out a brush. She sweetly started to run it through her new friend's mane. "She's so beautiful, Link. You picked out a great horse." 

"I always seem to be attracted to beautiful creatures..." Link grinned. _...Oh, Rico Suave!..._

She blushed at his comment, but tried her best to hide it. "That's it! I'll name her Beautiful!" 

"Beautiful. That's a great name. I'll see you at dinner then." He turned around to walk away when Zelda unexpectedly grabbed his sleeve. You could say she sorta surprised herself. 

"Link?" 

"Yes?" 

"Once again, thanks." Daringly, she reached over and kissed his cheek. (Author's note: Sorry readers. You don't expect me to make them kiss _that_ easily, do you? I enjoy torturing you so much, but I do it with love!) Link couldn't believe it! With that little kiss, he became the giddiest man on the planet--no, the giddiest man in the universe! He chuckled to himself like a kid who had just ripped off the wings from a fly. 

"Hehe! Thank _you_, Zelda! I'll see you at dinner!" 

"Looking forward to it." she purred. 

He gave her one last glance, then skipped back into the castle. He was smiling so hard that everyone around him thought he'd have to have it surgically removed from his face. 

AT THE SAME TIME ON DEATH MOUNTAIN 

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of Hyrule, things were not so glowing and happy. Ganon was recuperating after another bitter defeat. The King of Evil was sitting on his throne with an ice pack on his head, dozing off. A few of his Moblin guards entered the throne room. Three of them were each holding a prisoner. 

"Boss!" one cried. "What are we going to do with-" 

"OH SHUT UP! I'VE GOT A BAD HEADACHE CAUSED BY THAT IMPUDENT IMP LINK!" 

"But Your Evilness, I doth these prisoners protest too much!" 

"EH?" 

"Yes." The Moblin pushed his prisoner onto his knees. "Talk, blondie!" 

"AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" Ganon barked. "MAKE IT QUICK! THE GOLDEN GIRLS REUNION SPECIAL IS GOING TO BE ON LIFETIME IN TEN MINUTES!" 

The prisoner took a deep breath before addressing the screaming disgruntled pig. "I am Sir Poopsalot, a Royal Knight of Hyrule-" 

"OF HYRULE?! HOW IN HEAVEN'S NAME DID YOU END UP HERE? WERE YOU ARRESTED?" 

"Y-Yes, ten years ago-" 

"AND YOU'RE STILL HERE?! YOU TWIT, WHY DIDN'T YOU ESCAPE LIKE ALL MY OTHER PRISONERS?" 

"Er, well...I was afraid-" 

"SHUT UP!" Ganon rubbed his head with the ice pack and grumbled, "You're making my migraine worse!" 

"Your Highness, I was wondering if...if you could let me go. You see, I am betrothed to Princess Zelda-" 

"WHAT?!" The Prince of Thieves was so appalled by the knight's words that he shot up off his throne and glared at the prisoner. "BETROTHED TO THAT BLONDE LITTLE BITCH?! SINCE WHEN?!" Ganon found this very amusing. 

"Bitch?" Sir Poopsalot asked himself. "Anyway yes, I am betrothed to Zelda. It happened when I was nine and she was five. You see, my father and the king were very close. The king promised his daughter to me when we both became of age. But I haven't seen her since I was ten because my father had sent me off to training school. When I was fourteen a war broke out and I had to go fight...little did I know it was against you. Your soldiers ambushed my group and threw us in here, and well, here I am, ten years later-" 

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR DAMN LIFE STORY! I JUST ASKED SINCE WHEN!" 

"...Sorry. Um, how did the war end anyway? I've had virtually no contact with the outside world. For the most part, I conversed with a mouse named Squeak about philosophy-" 

"The people of Hyrule had a secret weapon." Ganon said, his voice deep with rage. 

"Which was?" 

"HIS name was Link." 

"Link?" 

"YES! ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING, YOU BILLYGOAT?! His name...that BASTARD'S name is Link. He first defeated me when he was about ten." 

"Ten?!" 

"Yes, the goon was good with a sword...AND HE STILL IS! HE JUST KICKED MY ASS LAST NIGHT!" 

"Oh my! He sounds very powerful." Sir Poopsalot rubbed his hands together and smirked. "I shall have to get rid of him." 

"HA! HA! GOOD LUCK, SISSYBOY! IF I-THE EVIL INCARNATION OF DARKNESS-AND MY WHOLE ARMY CAN'T STOP HIM, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN, YOU ARROGANT TWIRP?!" 

"I will smash him like a bug!" The knight had suddenly gone homicidal. "I will succeed!" 

"Oh," Ganon continued. "And here's a tidbit for you.." 

"What?" 

"LINK AND ZELDA ARE IN LOVE!" 

"What?! My future wife loves someone else?" 

"THAT'S RIGHT! ALTHOUGH THEY REALLY DON'T ACT LIKE THEY'RE IN LOVE, BUT THEY ARE! YOU CAN SOOOOO SEE IT! IT MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE MY BEA ARTHUR CARDBOARD CUTOUT AND BREAK IT OVER LINK'S HEAD BECAUSE HE'S SO OBLIVIOUS!" 

"But-" 

"AND ZELDA WANTS LINK IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE!" 

"No! I must change her opinion! She will love me!" 

"GOD DAMMIT, SHUT UP! YOUR VOICE IS IRRITATING! YOU KNOW WHAT? LEAVE, AND TAKE THE MONKEY UP YOUR ASS AND THE TREE IT'S ATTACHED TO WITH YOU! AT LEAST LINK'S NOT AS QUEER AS YOU ARE!" 

"I'll leave, Your Graciousness!" Poopsalot joyously exclaimed as he stood up. He brushed himself off and tossed his soiled white cape to the side. "Once Zelda sees a _real_ knight, she'll swoon! I'll have to pick her up off the ground and bring her to the nearest bed, where we shall make love until-" 

"JESUS CHRIST, CAN IT, WILL YOU?! YOU'RE NOT ROMEO AND SHE CERTAINLY AIN'T YOUR JULIET! ....ONE MORE THING!" 

"Yes, anything!" 

Ganon wickedly grinned. "YOUR NAME IS SIR POOPSALOT, RIGHT?" 

"Yes it is! What a great memory you have!" 

"AND ARE YOU CALLED THAT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON?" 

The knight answered Ganon's question with a stupid smile. 

"HA! WELL POOPSALOT, BECAUSE I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I'M GOING TO CHANGE THAT!" 

"Huh?" Poopsalot nervously inquired. 

"NOW YOU WILL BE...ETERNALLY CONSTIPATED!" The King of Evil pointed his finger at the knight. A bright yellow light beam came out of it and shone onto Poopsalot, forcing him back onto his knees. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" he screamed in agony. 

"MAY YOU BE DAMNED TO ENDLESS HOURS OF STRAINING! NOW LEAVE!" 

And there was Chapter Eleven. See, I didn't do anything horrible to Malon! I just made her a blown out psycho. Remember the ending for Ocarina of Time, where they show Malon singing? Don't tell me that she didn't look psychotic in that shot! She's going to show up in more chapters as the story progresses. I also introduced a new character, Sir Poopsalot, who's a spinoff of Sir Facade from the Zelda cartoons. Kudos to those who remember him!! Chapter Twelve will focus on Link's first meeting with Poopsalot and the rivalry that develops. As always, keep the reviews coming, and go to my website for a scare! Until the next, bitches! 


	12. This Means War! & a Flashback

Chapter Twelve: This Means War!

Once Ganon had banished Sir Poopsalot (now perpetually constipated) from Death Mountain, the valiant knight ventured out into the Hylian wilderness in search of where he would be able to find the king. Poopsalot traveled far and wide, walking in circles around boulders and boring villagers to death with his heroic tales of warfare and flatulence, until someone pointed out that the big building with turrets off in the distance was Hyrule Castle. The noble thanked the lad and gave him a blue rupee, which the lad, in turn, gave to the village whore in exchange for a feel job. Off Poopsalot went, into the horizon, towards Hyrule Castle Town. His destiny awaited him there, as well as the nearest shower. 

_...Yes, I shall rule over this land one day!... _the knight gleefully thought, with a twinkle in his eye. _...Princess Zelda shall be my queen, and we will live happily ever after. The only thing left will be to cure this infernal constipation!_ _Damn my sensitive intestines! Damn that oafish Ganon! Damn Lunaretine for sticking me in this dreadful story!..._

Back at Hyrule Castle, Link was unaware of the impending danger in the form of a metro-sexual now trotting in his direction. The Hero of Time was still overjoyed with joy about the kiss Zelda had given him earlier that day. Granted, it was only a kiss on the cheek, but it was more on the scale of, let's say, the collapse of the Berlin Wall. Yup, the kiss was _that_ monumental. Link could barely contain his happiness. He immediately ran to his buddy Aaron's room, where he found the boy reading through Ye Olde Comic Book, sitting on his bed. The hero rushed through the door-no, he didn't break through it, a la The Hulk-like a madman and slammed it shut. Aaron looked up and stared at him. 

"Dude, do you have one too many fairies up in your belfry? Why the hell did you do that?" 

Hyrule's savior opened up his mouth to speak, but the words failed to spew out of his gaping maw. Instead, he once again smiled, allowing his eyelashes to flutter in the breeze. The boy was puzzled. 

"Link? Um, hello? Goddamn, are you okay? Do you have gas? What the hell happened to you?" 

"The greatest thing in the world, Aaron." Now the words easily flowed from the hero's lips. Crazily, he broke out of his trance-like state and repeated the phrase, "The greatest thing in the world, Aaron!" 

His protegee was unimpressed. "What? Did Zelda do something nauseatingly cute?" 

"No...yes-sorta! She..." Link paused and folded his hands together in a manner which reminded Aaron of a preteen girl apologizing for something naughty she had just done. "She...kissed me!" 

"Dude! Aw man, that rules!" 

"Yeah, right here!" The Hero of Time scooted over to Aaron and anxiously pointed to his right cheek. The little buddy frowned. 

"Oh, I thought she actually tongued you." 

"Well, no." Link grew serious. "C'mon, Aaron. Let's not shoot for any unattainable goals here. Don't piss on my parade. The thing that matters is that she did it willingly! I didn't even beg or ask for it! She just did it! I'm never going to wash this cheek again. Who knows, Aaron? Next time it might be on my nose, then maybe on my lips. Oh sweet Jesus, I hope it's on my lips." 

"Whatever, dude. You're her daddy." The boy opened up his comic book. He was happy for his friend. _...Let him live in his glory. I've never seen him so happy. I can't wait to see how he reacts when she finally lets him shag her! It'll be time to break out the champagne and fireworks then!..._

"Tonight we're all gonna have this big dinner." Link continued, his voice still ecstatic. "You're invited too, of course. I'm gonna see Zelda there!" 

"You see Zelda every night at dinner." 

"Yeah, but tonight will be different. You'll see, Aaron! Tonight, things are going to change. They're going to change for the better, so help me Din!" 

"...Is that a threat? Dude, you're turning all psycho on me, and I don't like it." 

"Sorry, Aaron. I just have a feeling that something big's going to happen. Mark my words, boy. Tonight, Zelda will be mine!" He laughed maniacally for a few moments before darting out of his buddy's room. 

"Wow, he's snapped. I guess love makes us all crazy sometimes. I sure don't want to be there when the obvious happens in this story, which you know it will. Meh, let me enjoy my comic book before the shit hits the fan." 

Up in the tower, Princess Zelda was in her room, preparing for dinner. You know how most of us just tend to drag our asses down the stairs when our moms scream that it's time to eat? Well, princesses such as Zelda get to wear pretty dresses to dinner. It sucks to be us. Her nursemaid, Impa, was seated in a chair by the window. She watched as Zelda brushed her lovely locks for the tenth time that day. 

"Oh Impa, lately my thoughts have been so askew!" the princess whined, turning away from her mirror. 

"What's wrong?" 

Zelda sighed. "I'm going to let you in on a little secret Impa, because I can trust you." 

"You know you can tell me anything, Zelda." _...And pray that I don't sell it to the Hyrule Enquirer for a million rupees!..._

"Okay, here it goes. You know how Link and I have this weird sparing relationship going on? I spurn him, he keeps coming back for more. I spurn him again, and again he comes back for more. He's like an abused animal that doesn't know any better." 

"Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about." the nursemaid smiled. 

"Lately, I've been wanting to change things between us." 

"How so?" Impa already knew what Zelda was getting at, but did not want to rush it. She observed how nervously the princess twiddled her thumbs together and spoke in a childish tone. What Zelda was ready to admit was pretty earthshattering for her. It wasn't like that for everyone else, because they all knew it was about damn time she showed the Hero of Time some lovin'! 

"Impa, over the last few months, I've been drawn really close to Link. Like, on the journey we went on to rescue Miss Snuffles, things got really heated. Lines were crossed." 

"But lines are always crossed between you two-" 

"No, I mean, they were _crossed_." The princess grew sullen, like she was trying to hide some deeper desire. "When I rode atop Epona with him, I felt his muscles through his tunic. I felt the resonation of his voice zip throughout my body as I rested my head on his back." 

As Zelda spoke, Impa watched as the princess' fingers began to dig into the sides of her chair. _...My! Just talking about Link has her plumbing going! Damn, I need to find me a man like that! At my age. I'd need more than a plumber. I'd need Roto-Rooter!..._

"Impa, he makes me feel things I've never felt before. He...He...He makes me want to..." Zelda let her thought end there, before adding in a whisper, "And he's got a really big bulge in his tights!" 

Before the old woman could say anything about Link's generous package, Zelda instantly started talking again. 

"Oh, it makes me sick just admitting this!" 

"Why?" she shrugged. "If I had a man like that willing to kiss the ground my crusty feet walked on, I'd handcuff him to my bed and put a saddle on him!" 

"Impa! It's different with Link! I've been pushing him away for ten years, but now I want him close to me. It's almost like wanting to be with my brother, and the last time I checked, we're not living in a galaxy far, far away." 

"Zelda, your feelings for Link have gone through a natural progression. When you were ten, you enjoyed picking your noses together. Now that you're twenty, other, more mature, emotions have come to surface." 

"...How'd you know that Link and I did that?" 

"That's not the point. The point is that you cannot deny the feelings you now have for him. You may, deep down inside, even love him." 

"Don't go that far! I never said that! Eww! Cooties!" Zelda bit her lower lip. "Impa, do you think I should stop acting so immature and finally admit my feelings to him?" 

"You know I do, Princess. Link is head over heels for you. He'd treat you wonderfully-even better than he does now." 

"How much better can he treat me? He's saved me from Ganon's clutches innumerable times already. The most he can do now is buy me some expensive jewelry and constantly tell me how pretty I am." 

"I also think he'd make an excellent suitor." 

"Y-You mean you want me to marry Link?" Zelda stammered. _...Goddamn, now she's gone too far! Hmm, a white wedding would be wonderful though. Link would look so smashing in his blue tunic and white tights. We could send out Hello Kitty scratch-and-sniff invitations... AACCKK! What the hell am I thinking!..._ "I can't marry Link!" 

"Why not?" the nursemaid grinned through her dentures. 

"Because...eww! I'll forget you even brought that up, Impa. But I think I know what I'm going to do for now." 

"Which is?" 

"Tonight, after dinner, I'm going to take Link aside. Maybe we'll go out for a walk in the garden and flick more boogers-forget I said that. Anyway, I'm going to tell him how I really feel, and if we can...eerk...if we can try things as a couple." 

"I think he'd like that very much!" 

"I'll probably have to avoid the puddle of piss he'll shed once I tell him the news, but I think he'll like it too. Impa, I hope I'm doing the right thing. All I want is for him to be finally mine. You know, to hold and squeeze...to make up cute pet names for, like 'pookie'. Then I'll just see where the relationship takes us from there." 

"Great idea, Zelda. I've got a feeling things are going to work out for you two." 

"I do too, Impa. Nothing's going to ruin this moment!" 

_Author's note: Of course it's going to be ruined. You could've seen that coming from a mile away. Does anything ever work out for Link and Zelda in this sordid tale? Keep reading and you'll find out! Time to end this shameless plug._

"I wish you all the luck in Hyrule, Zelda." Impa stood up and opened the princess' dress cabinet. "Now, wear something tight and low cut to pull the boy in even more!" 

Later that night, Link and Aaron were in the dining room with the king. His portly Highness and the teenager were already seated at the table, picking at some rolls. The hero was too anxious to sit. He eagerly awaited for the princess to make her grand entrance while standing next to the chair Zelda usually sat in. He made sure to wear his bestest green tunic and pair of tights for the evening, topping off the ensemble with his favorite pair of golden gauntlets. Not only did they make him super strong, but they looked stylish. He was _damn_ sexy! 

"So Link, how are you this evening?" the king questioned, spreading butter on his bread. "You look rather dashing!" 

"Thanks, your Majesty! I'm great! Couldn't be better! Where's Zelda? She said she'd meet me here. Where is she? She's never late for dinner!" Our favorite bumbling elf spoke a mile a minute. 

"Link, chill out." Aaron grinned. "You're trembling like an addict in withdrawal." 

"Sorry..." Link rapidly began shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "I've got butterflies in my stomach." Heh, and not to mention too many paint chips! 

"Are you and my daughter to be wed soon?" Hyrule's monarch blatantly asked. While there were many occasions (many is an understatement) where the king acted as if he was technically retarded, the one subject he remained keen on was his daughter. 

The inquiry caused Link and Aaron to choke on their own spit. 

"I-If only she'd say yes!" the Hero of Time beamed. _...That's right, your Highness_, _you know I'd make a good king! Now, only for the hard part...convincing Zelda to marry me. That shouldn't be hard...HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Link! At least you've got the sense of humor to laugh at your own misfortune! Keep smiling and pretend that your love life really isn't as pathetic as it is!..._

"Maybe if Zelda would quit being so pretentious, she'd give Link the time of day." Aaron added. "Er, no offense, your Majesty." 

"None taken. I know my daughter can be a trifle bit difficult to deal with. I think I should have beaten her more when she was a child. Don't you agree?" 

"Ah-hem!" Impa's voice signaled the arrival of the princess. Everyone ignored the king's cryptic comment and directed their attention to Zelda. She was adorned in a simple blue dress...with a plunging neckline. Link whimpered at the sight of her. Even Aaron had to admit that she looked hot, and he wasn't normally into blondes. This gentleman preferred brunettes. 

"I decided to dress up tonight," Zelda explained. 

"Any reason why, dear daughter?" 

"...No." she fibbed, sending a glance at the hero. He whimpered again. 

"Doesn't she look lovely, Link?" Impa coaxed. She nodded her head at the hero, as if to say, _Pull out her chair for her! Where are your manners, you twit?_

"Oh!" He pulled out Zelda's chair and smiled stupidly. "Here you go, Zelda! Where are my manners?" 

"Probably up your ass..." Aaron chuckled to himself loud enough for only Link to hear. 

"Thank you!" The princess plopped her royal bottom down. Link returned to his chair, which was conveniently located across from Zelda's seat. _...He's directly in my line of vision. Time to send him some 'come hither' glances, with a game of footsey thrown in for fun!..._

Aaron, who was positioned next to Link, leaned over and muttered, "Man, can I have some of that stuff you're on? You're wired!" 

"You guys are having a dinner party without me!" came a high-pitched shriek. Navi the faerie buzzed into the dining hall, angered that everyone was about to pig out without her. "Link! You didn't tell me anything about a fancy dinner party! We usually just order in a pizza on Friday nights!" 

"Shut up, Navi." he replied through clenched teeth. 

"Perhaps you weren't invited on purpose?" Zelda quipped, smiling widely at the roach. 

"Hmpf! Well I'm crashing the party!" She delicately sat on top of Link's wine glass. "Where's the eats!" 

"Good question! Servants, serve us!" The king clapped his hands, and several of his servants scampered around the large table, placing a plate in front of each guest. Even Navi got her own tiny version. Thus, dinner began. Everyone started pigging out on yummy treats from the kitchen. 

"I heard you two went to Lon Lon Ranch earlier today." Impa said as she cut the meat on her plate. 

"Uh-huh," Link responded between bites. 

"How are Talon and Ingo?" 

"Fine." 

"What about Malon?" 

"Insane." the princess casually answered her nursemaid. 

"Ah, I see she hasn't changed!" 

"I did get a new horsey though." Zelda peeked over at the Hero of Time, who stopped chewing on his food when their eyes locked. "Link helped me pick her out." 

He swallowed hard. "It's not like we had a choice, Zelda." 

"Hehe, no!" 

"And how are you doing, Aaron?" the old woman addressed the boy. 

"I'm aight." 

"I was watching you and Link in the courtyard this morning. You were helping him with his archery, Link?" 

"I was." He smirked at Aaron, who gulped. 

"Y-Yeah!" The boy quickly launched into nothing but praise for his teacher. "He was layin' down the smack on those arrows, Impa. Man, he's so good, he could hit the target blindfolded! He just barely missed my head-" 

"Why are you dressed like that, Zelda?" Navi butted in. "And come to think of it, why do you look so fine, Link? I mean, you always look fine, but tonight you look _especially _delicious. Is there something going on that I don't know about?" 

"Er, I just thought I'd try something different." the princess nervously answered. "Am I not allowed to wear whatever I want to dinner in my own castle, Navi?" 

"Of course you are, but I just think you look like a slu-" 

"No one asked you, Navi." Link growled. "You weren't even invited." 

"You can be so mean, Link. You're lucky you're cute. ...Are you gonna eat that potato?" 

Without warning, Link flicked Navi off her perch, causing her to fall into his filled glass. "Excuse me, waiter? There's a fly in my wine." He lifted up his cup and handed it over to the nearest servant. 

"My apologies! I'll get you a new one!" The male servant disappeared into the kitchen, with a screaming Navi in tow. Everyone ignored her. 

"Now that I have everybody's attention, I'd like to ask my daughter a question." the king announced. Zelda jerked her head up and stared at her father. Link just wanted to jerk off. "Darling daughter, when are you finally going to get married?" 

"Daddy, you ask me this almost every day. It's getting annoying." she hastily countered. _...Great way to embarrass me, Daddy! Next, why don't you ask me when my last period was, or how about how my nasty toenail infection's doing? Link better not get any dumb ideas!... _Hell, if he got at least one idea, he'd be lucky. 

"Well, it's getting _annoying_ waiting for you to make your choice." 

The Hero of Time and Aaron exchanged glances. Poor Link didn't realize he was practically bouncing up and down in his seat. His protegee shot him a _"You're her Daddy!"_ look. Link eagerly awaited Zelda's reply. 

_...This is my big chance! You can marry me, Zelda! I'm an eligible bachelor! Even if it's just to shut your father up, you can marry me! _ _Squeee!..._

The princess didn't acknowledge her father. He grew angry. "Zelda, you're twenty years old. Usually women your age are married and have popped out at _least_ five kids by now! You, my dear, must get off your royal behind and find a husband!" 

"And who could that be?" she snapped, weirdly looking at her father. _...Oh God, here it goes. I know what he's going to say! I'm so FUCKED!...Hmm...maybe that's a good thing, if it's by Link. Squeee!..._

"Why Zelda, he's right in front of your face-" 

"And that would be I!" cried a loud, arrogant voice from out of the blue. I wonder where that "out of the blue" expression originated from. Why not "out of the pink?" or "out of the yellow?" Does it have anything to do with the sky being blue? Some people ponder the meaning of life. I ponder shit like this. I should stop eating so many purple crayons. 

In walked a well-dressed knight with long flowing blonde hair and a white cape, which he tried his darndest not to trip over. Everyone just stared at him, dumbfounded. Link had no idea who the intruder was, but already added him to the top of his infamous "Shit List." Zelda's jaw dropped. Aaron almost laughed out loud at the knight's extremely metro-sexual appearance. Impa couldn't remember who the man in white was. Then again, she normally couldn't remember her own name half the time due to senility. 

"And who the Hades are you?" the Hylian monarch barked as he stood up. Link also got to his feet and was ready to break out the Master Sword, until he recalled that he had left it upstairs. 

"It's me, your Highness!" 

"No, I'm me. Who are you?" 

"...Er, I'm Sir Poopsalot, Royal Knight of Hyrule and Princess Zelda's betrothed!" 

At the word "betrothed", Zelda lost about thirty years off her life-span, and Link hit the ground like a ton of bricks. Heh, so much for avoiding cliches. For the time being, the others in the room ignored their fallen hero, still under the spell of Poopsalot. 

"Poopsalot!" the king-who-shall-remain-nameless exclaimed. "I thought you were dead!" 

"What's wrong with the fellow clad in green? Hmpf, no matter. I was locked up in Ganon's prison for ten years. He finally released me a few days ago, but I sorta got lost on my way here... Anyway, I'm back and ready to marry your daughter!" He smiled widely at Zelda, who glared angrily at the pompous trespasser. 

"Your Majesty!" Two of the king's guards ran into the room. They surrounded the white knight and grabbed a hold of his arms so he'd be unable to move or do some more crazy gesturing. "We're sorry the encroacher...encroached!" 

"Yes, we tried to stop him, but he immediately began shrieking like a woman when we went to draw our swords!" 

"And then he ran away like sissy when we tried to capture him!" 

"I did not run like a sissy, nor shriek like a woman!" Poopsalot yelled in his defense. "Now, will you please release me? You're wrinkling the sleeves on my new shirt. I just picked this up at the Men's Warehouse for half off!" 

"It's alright... I know this wayfarer." His Majesty waved his hand in the air as a signal for his guards to release Blondie. They obliged. "He is a Royal Knight of Hyrule." 

"That's right! I have returned after a decade-long imprisonment! As I said earlier, I'm ready to marry your daughter now! Let's heat up some mozzarella sticks to celebrate!" 

"We're not celebrating anything!" growled the princess. "You don't know me, so don't insinuate that you're going to marry me! Link! Why aren't you saying anything?" Suddenly, everyone looked down at the out-cold Hylian warrior. "Oh my God! Link!" 

"Dude, aw man!" Aaron bolted out of his chair and over to his friend's side. "He fainted!" 

"_That's_ the Link I've been hearing so much about?" Poopsalot scoffed. "He is the man who has been Hyrule's protector in my absence? Ah-ha! Ah-ha!" Even his laugh was cocky. 

"Don't laugh at him!" Zelda joined Aaron and Impa, who were now trying to revive Link. Where was Navi in a bottle when you needed her? "Link, wake up! Goddammit, don't be a lazy ass now! You're useless!" 

"Impa! Aaron! Try to move Link back up to his quarters. I'll deal with our guest for now." the king commanded. 

"Good idea, your Majesty! Leave us to discuss matters important to adults, like about when I'm going to marry Zelda." Poopsalot paid no mind to the old woman and squire who were struggling to lift up the Hero of Time. 

"Damn Link, you should cut down on the Twinkies." Aaron grumbled as he raised up his mentor's torso. Impa had the legs. "Time for you to go take a nap!" They trudged off to Link's bedroom. 

"I'm not marrying you!" Zelda retorted. "Who the hell do you think you are, barging in here like you own the place?" 

"I-I'm Sir Poopsalot, dammit!" 

"I don't care who you think you are! I'm not marrying you, right Daddy?" She hopefully turned to her father, who looked rather clueless as to how to answer her. "_Right?_" 

"A king cannot go back on his word..." the knight said in a voice partially to himself, partially to the monarch. 

"I don't know what planet you're living on, but I'm not marrying you!" 

"Oh, my beloved, I know the last time you saw me you were like eight, but-" 

"I never liked you!" 

"You can learn!" 

"Daddy!" Zelda whined. "I'm not going to marry him! I...I'm just not!" Holding back tears, she ran out of the dining room, dramatically flailing her arms around her and sobbing loudly. 

"Zelda!" her father called after her. She didn't respond. 

"I'll have to teach her to obey orders." Poopsalot shrugged. "What's for dinner?" 

"Who do you think you are!" the pudgy ruler shouted at the nosey knight. 

"I-I'm Sir Poopsalot!" 

"You wait here. I'm going to see how Link is." 

"Link?" 

"Yes, my future son-in-law." 

"But that is I-" 

"Silence!" 

Up in the so-called future-son-in-law's room, Impa and Aaron had rested Link down on his bed and were trying to bring him back to reality. 

"I don't believe it! Just the mention of the word 'betrothed' knocked him out!" The boy placed a pillow under Link's noggin. 

"It's a shame, because Zelda had a nice surprise planned for him until that goon ruined it!" 

The king entered the room, "How is he doing?" 

"He's still out cold." Aaron answered. "We have to try and wake him up!" 

"What's all the commotion about?" Navi emerged from her hiding spot under Link's bed. "I was trying to take a bath and then I heard all of these voices-Oh sweet Din! What's wrong with my Link!" She landed on top of his chest and pulled on his tunic with her petite hands. 

"Everything was going great at dinner until this guy showed up claiming to be Zelda's betrothed. When Link heard who he was, he fainted! He's dead like a doornail!" Link's buddy clarified for the faerie. 

"WHAT! He died of shock! My love is dead!" she wailed almost as dramatically as Zelda had done earlier. "My only reason why I wake up in the morning is dead!" 

"Calm down!" Impa stated. "He's not dead!" 

Navi walked up to Link's forehead and pulled one of his eyelids open. His eyes were rolled back into his skull, triggering everyone to gasp. 

"He's dead for sure!" screamed the faerie. "And it's all _her_ fault!" She pointed an accusing finger at Zelda, who was now standing sheepishly in Link's doorway. 

"He's dead!" The princess pushed past Impa and her father and knelt down at his bedside. "It's not my fault, Navi!" 

"Yes it is! I always knew you'd put him in an early grave, Zelda. Look what you've done! If you only would've kissed him, this would not have happened!" 

Aaron frantically began slapping the hero on the cheek. "Come on! Wake up! You're gonna let someone else marry your woman!" 

"I'm not marrying Poopsalot, for the last freaking time!" Zelda screeched, fed up. "I'm not marrying him!" 

Impa laid her hands gently on the princess' shoulders. "You don't have to marry him." 

"You might as well marry him, because you killed the only other man you could've married, you bitch!" Navi further condemned the royal Hylian. "Now I won't be able to have a torrid affair with Link because of you!" 

"Enough!" the king shouted. "It's so loud in here, it's a wonder Link hasn't awakened yet!" 

"Goddammit, dude! Don't leave me alone with these assholes!" With one final slap from the desperate Aaron, Link groggily opened his eyes. "Dude, you ain't dead!" 

"Ouch...my head. What the hell happened?" 

"Link!" Navi began to cover his face with her tiny kisses. "You're alive!" 

"Thank God!" Zelda, surprising even herself, hugged him as he went to sit up. He liked that. He liked that very much. Greedily he hugged her back as Navi buzzed above his head. 

"How are you feeling, Link?" the king questioned. "I've never seen someone go out cold so fast!" 

"Yeah dude, it was kinda funny." Aaron was no help. 

"I remember standing up...and this...Renaissance faire reject entered the room and announced that he...he...was...Zelda's betrothed." He stared blankly at the princess. "Oh, shit." 

Meanwhile, Poopsalot was impatiently waiting in the dining room. 

"I say, what's keeping them so long? Don't they realize they've got a lonely knight of Hyrule down here?" He walked up to Zelda's plate and took a sample of her mashed potatoes. "Yum! The food here is exquisite! Much better than the gruel Ganon fed me, that is, if he fed me at all!" 

The tension upstairs was mounting. 

"Who the hell is that guy?" Link hissed as he allowed Zelda to fix his hair and trademark green sock/hat. 

"That's Sir Poopsalot, a Royal Knight of Hyrule. He was one of the best warriors I had until you showed up." the king of Hyrule explained. "The last I heard of him, he had been captured by Ganon. I assumed that our arch-nemesis had him executed, or sent off to Sumatra, like he usually does to our captives." 

"How did he end up back here?" 

"Ganon must've let him go." 

_...Ganon..._ Link angrily thought. _...That pig just loves to mess with me. He probably set Poopsalot free on purpose just to make my existence even more miserable. I'll fry his bacon one of these days for good, but first I've got to show that arrogant prick who's boss!..._

"What are you going to do about Poopsalot, Link?" Zelda sweetly inquired. She really wanted to squeeze him until his eyes popped out, but satisfied herself by resting her head on his lap. 

"Yeah, that dude blew up your spot." Aaron interjected. "That's almost as bad as getting served." 

"I'm...I'm gonna fuck him up!" the Hero of Time snarled. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the sides of the bed. He was fuming. He was livid. He was terribly, terribly vexed! 

"Bravo!" Zelda's father encouraged. "You do just that!" 

Everyone in the room began to edge Link on. 

"Take no prisoners, dude!" 

"Link, I don't want to marry that douchebag! I only want to be with yo-my cat!" 

"Take your Master Sword and ram it up his ass, sweetie! I'll give you more kisses later!" 

Impa leaned in close to the hero's face and commanded in a frighteningly serious tone, "Kill him. Kill him NOW!" 

Hyrule's favorite elf sprung up from his bed and headed out the door to confront his new nemesis. Ganon wasn't looking so bad anymore compared to the likes of Poopsalot. The knight had made himself comfortable in the dining room by taking a seat and putting his feet up on the table. A half-empty plate rested on him as he picked at whatever was on it. 

"Ah, such wonderful living accommodations! I shall truly like it here! Only if I can land a room with a view. That would be splendid! ...Oh my, he looks perturbed." 

In charged Link, with his fists to his sides and a look of death upon his handsome face. He wasn't playin'. The unwelcome guest stood up to face his adversary. 

"Who in Din's name do you think you are?" 

"I'll tell you for the last time! I'm Sir Poopsalot, dammit!" 

"I know that! I mean where the hell did you come from?" 

"...You must be Bink, the hero of the legends... I've seen better." 

"The name's 'Link'. I'm the protector of the Triforce, all of Hyrule, and of the fair Princess Zelda. I'm the Hero of Time of legend, the wielder of the Master Sword, and a descendant of the Knights of Hyrule. Basically here, I'm God." 

"That's quite a resume, Bink, but are you the suitor of Princess Zelda, like I am?" 

From behind Link emerged the princess, Impa, Aaron, and the king. They all watched quietly as the hero addressed the knight. They all knew Link was enraged. It was bound to be one hell of a fight! 

"What does it matter? Zelda can marry whoever she wants." 

"Ah, you think so?" 

"You're only here because Ganon let you out, otherwise you'd still be rotting in that dungeon. I've traversed through...through...hundreds of dungeons just like that before. I do not see you as a challenge." 

"Is that a threat, Bink? You may have me beaten when it comes to heroics, but when it comes to the lady's heart, you have met your match." 

Laughter erupting from the group behind Link helped ease the suspense. 

"Is _that_ a threat?" the Hero of Time smirked. 

"If you wish, so be it!" Poopsalot daintily removed one of his gloves and approached Link. "I accept your challenge!" Then he slapped the hero across the face with it. Zelda and Impa sucked in long breaths of air. Aaron gritted his teeth. Link cooly faced the knight, acting like the slap didn't phase him, while in actuality his cheek was stinging. 

_...I'll get the mother fucker for that!..._

Sneering the entire time, he slowly imitated Poopsalot by taking off one of his gauntlet-covered gloves. The egotistical knight raised an eyebrow when he saw what Link was doing. 

_...Oh my, this is going to hurt!..._

"Ditto!" Link, with all of his might, smacked Poopsalot so hard across the face with the gauntlet that it caused the knight to stagger and fall onto the dining room table. The small crowd in back of him cheered wildly. "And the name's 'Link'! Remember it, because you'll be screaming it later!" 

Once Poopsalot was rendered unconscious, Link walked Zelda back up to her room for the evening. They both took a seat on her bed, unsure of where to even start. 

"Heh, what a day. I fired arrows at Aaron's head, almost got raped by a crazy ranch-girl, got knocked out by the words of an arrogant ass, and smacked across the face!" 

"Yeah, this is definitely a day for the record books." Zelda forced a smile. "I still can't get over all the crazy shit that happened today. How are you feeling, Link?" 

"I've been better." 

"Thank you so much for standing up to Poopsalot like that. You really served him." 

"What else was I supposed to do? Let him talk to you like that? I can't believe your father's letting him stay here for a while." 

"Don't worry, he's sticking him in the part of the castle with the most asbestos in it." 

"That's good." 

"Hey Link...?" 

"Yes?" 

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about." She remembered what she had told Impa earlier, about how she wanted to take Link aside and confess her feelings for him. After the insane events of that day, she figured now was the best time to tell him. Besides, the yearning in her loins was only getting worse. 

"What is it, Zelda?" 

"It's about...about...Aaron's archery." _...Aw, shit! There I go again, chickening out! Shit! Shit! Shit!.._

Link seemed surprised at what she had to say. "What about it?" 

"I, er...remember the time you tried to teach me how to shoot an arrow?" 

"Yeah..." Link giggled. "You weren't very good at it." 

FLASHBACK! FIVE YEARS AGO! WEEEE-WOOOO! 

'Twas another magical day in Hyrule. Princess Zelda was outside, tending her flower garden, as Link practiced his archery nearby. It had been five years to the day since Link first arrived at the castle, but yet it only seemed like five days ago to Zelda. By now, Link was way passed the point of being just friends with Zelda. He wanted more. What else do normal fifteen year old boys think about twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week? They're horny and stupid all the time. There was one fact he was positive of, that's for sure. He loved her, but it was beyond his wildest wet dreams that she'd ever love him back. Taking a break from his archery, he looked over at her. She was so adorable in her fancy little day dress, with her curves. 

_...Wow, she's come a long way since ten years old. Heh, so have I..._ he told himself, inspecting her as she picked her daisies. _...Look at her. Picking flowers..daisies nonetheless. So girly. So proper. Time to teach her a real sport..._

"Hey, Zelda!" he called. 

She looked up and turned her head. "Yes?" 

"Come here!" 

"Why?" 

"Just listen to me. Come here!" 

"Very well." Zelda put down her shovel and joined Link in the archery range. "What?" 

"I'm gonna show you how to shoot an arrow." 

"Oh no! I don't do stuff like that!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because, it's not proper for a princess to do." 

"Zelda, that's bullshit, and you know it!" He waved the bow he was holding in front of her eyes. They seemed to follow Link's lead. "Aren't you in the least bit curious?" 

"Well..." she began, focusing on the boy's equipment. _...Looks heavy. I might break a nail..._

"Of course you're interested! Let me show you. It's always good for a girl to know how to defend herself in these dangerous times, when strong heros such as myself aren't around." 

"Don't flatter yourself, hero." the princess smirked, folding her arms. 

"Heh, okay, fine." Chuckling, he handed the bow over to her. "It's a left-handed bow, so you may have bit of a problem, but this is just for practice." 

"This thing's heavy." she bitched. 

"You'll get used to it. Now here, take the arrow." He handed her an arrow. "String it up." 

"Pardon?" 

"Nock it." 

"Nock?" 

"Yup." 

"You mean like 'nock' as in 'knock on the door'?" 

Link shook his head, trying his best to hold in a laugh. "No! Not 'knock!' Nock! String it!" He loved her to death, but it was obvious she could be quite the airhead sometimes. 

"But I don't know how." she simply said. "This is new to me, remember? I'm not familiar with such terminology." _...He probably thinks I'm an airhead. Jerk! I'll show him 'airhead'! I can read Chaucer in complete Middle English!..._

"Here, I'll show you." He stood behind her and directed, "Now hold it up." 

She obeyed. Then he fixed her hand, showing her how to properly string the arrow to the bow. Zelda noticed how much physical contact they were having. Him rubbing up behind her...their fingers entwined... 

"Now, you've got to aim." he gently said into her ear. 

"O-Okay." 

"Wait. You're standing on an angle. You've got to stand like this." Link placed his hands on her hips, maneuvering her body into the correct position. Both were getting rather randy. Zelda couldn't believe it. Link moved his hands back up to the bow again, where their fingers twined together for a second time. "Keep steady. Aim..." His voice was barely a whisper by this point, as he could barely contain himself. _...Oh sweet Jesus, I'm so close to her. This is almost sinful. I...I...better control myself. I never knew archery could be so...erotic!..._

Poor Zelda was having a hard time concentrating. Her head was crowded with thoughts she never had before. Thoughts she had never fathomed. Thoughts about _him_. A chill ran up her spine as he told her "aim" in such a sexy way. He might as well have said "strip!" and would've gotten the same reaction out of her. When his hands went on her hips, her mouth went dry. As their bodies pressed tightly together, her mind raced. 

_...This is insane! I'm...I'm sexually attracted to someone...but it's Link! The same boy I flick boogers with is making me get all squishy! No, I must deny it! I must deny these carnal urges of mine. I'm only fifteen. Lunaretine, you pervert, stop it! Stop it, I say! Don't make me feel like this! Don't make me! ...Oh...I like it. This freaking sucks!... _She felt Link's hot breath on her ear as they held onto the bow, and allowed her eyelids to flutter a bit. 

"L-Link, what am I supposed to do again?" 

"Aim." His answer came slowly, sending more of his hot breath onto her ear. He didn't even notice that his free hand had slipped itself around her waist, pulling her closer. _...She feels so good. Dear Din, I'd give my left nut to be with her. Er, no I wouldn't do that. I need my nuts. I'd give my left kidney to be with her! I only need one of those! I'm gonna become a man tonight!_... "Just keep steady..." he repeated for effect. And what an effect it had! 

"I'm aiming..." She was almost breathless. 

"Good." _...Oh no! Not now!..._

"Okay." _...What is that pressing up against me? It's jabbing me in the butt!..._

Link began to panic. _...Shit, I've got a hard-on! She can probably feel it! Why do I have to be cursed like every other teenage boy my age by getting excited over the slightest things!_ _Smooth, Link! Real smooth!..._ He suddenly moved away from her. His reaction startled the princess. 

"What's wrong?" She was upset that their naughty behavior had abruptly come to a close. "Did I do something?" 

"...No. Just shoot the arrow." 

"Sure." She let go of the string, sending the arrow skyward. It missed its target by forty feet, but it did not matter. The tension built between them was well worth it. Link backed away some more, nervously covering his crotch with his hands the entire time. "What's wrong, hero?" 

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" 

"You sure? Your eyes are bugging out." 

"Yeah, I'll be fine!" His voice cracked. 

"You don't look so good all of a sudden. Your face is all pale." 

"I-It is?" Link was mortified. _...Pale? That's because all the blood in my body is somewhere else, and it's NOT my brain!..._

"Link, why are your eyes rapidly looking around like that?" 

"They are?" 

"Yes. And why are your hands covering your-" 

"Hold on, I'll be right back! Just keep practicing." 

"Want me to come with you?" 

"NO! Um...I mean, no thank you, I'll be fine." He then ran off toward the castle and disappeared inside. Zelda just brushed aside his peculiar mannerisms and started to shoot arrows for the rest of the afternoon. 

PRESENT DAY, WEEEE-WOOOO! 

Grown up Link and Zelda were now left staring hungrily at each other in the princess' bedroom. No further words were exchanged after the flashback ended. Both were left speechless, with an unquenchable desire for the other. Link edged closer. So did Zelda. 

"Archery's fun, isn't it?" he smiled, leaning his head closer to hers. 

"It is. I never thanked you for introducing me to such a...tantalizing sport." She pressed her forehead against his. They could taste each other's breath, fully aware that it was only a matter of seconds before they gave in to their lust. 

"You don't have to thank me." 

"Oh, but I _do_." Her fingers dug into his shoulders. His arms cunningly wrapped themselves around her form. "Link, is it hot in here?" 

"No, it's just you." 

"Oh." 

With that, he forced himself on top of her, sending Zelda onto her back. She urged him nearer, begging for him to kiss her. 

"Kiss me, you fool." 

"My thoughts exactly..." He went in for the kill, but just before their lips could touch... 

"Great Nayru! I'm so sorry to have interrupted your interlude!" 

HA HA! I FOOLED YOU, DEAR READER! 

A familiar voice from out of nowhere caused Link to instantly pull away from Zelda. He moved so fast that he rolled off of her and onto the floor. The princess shot up and adjusted her heaving bosom, which had managed to partially escape its corset prison. Heh, they had been caught by none only than her father and an aghast Poopsalot. 

"D-Daddy! I didn't expect you here!" 

"Neither did I..." Link grumbled, getting to his feet. "I was just about to leave, your Highness." 

"Don't worry about it! I was just showing our unexpected guest here around the castle, since I've granted him a brief period of sanctuary here." 

"Your father's so nice!" the knight beamed. 

"Relax. I didn't say I liked you." the monarch interjected. "I thought I'd show him the tower, and well, we found you here!" 

"Splendid." Zelda said, wrinkling her nose. 

"We...er...were just...um..." Link made a bad attempt at trying to explain to the king what he was doing on top of his daughter. "...Good night!" He promptly exited the room, squeezing between the king and Poopsalot. He ignored the metro-sexual. 

"What an unusual character that Twink is!" 

"It's 'Link!'" The Hero of Time screamed from the bottom of the staircase before departing for his bedroom. 

Zelda forced a small smile. "Daddy, I'm tired. I'll be calling it quits for the night." 

"Very well, sweetheart. I shall speak with you in the morning. Good-night." 

"'Night, Daddy." 

The king vanished from her doorway. 

"And good-night, fair princess!" Poopsalot waved at her like Miss America to a crowd after winning her crown. "I shall dine with thee in the morning!" 

She stared back at him emotionlessly. He felt like a tool. 

"Um, night!" He dashed after her father, catching up with him at the bottom of the stairs. "Your Majesty, may I inquire about that boy Stink?" 

"You mean Link." 

"Yes, whatever." 

"Well, what about him?" 

The two men walked down the hallway to an isolated part of the castle. Poopsalot swore he saw a bat fly overhead as he addressed the king. _...Good God! Where is he taking me! I hope it's not haunted! I'm afraid of the dark!..._

"Are him and your daughter involved?" 

"You mean romantically?" 

"Yes." 

"No, but I wish they were!" 

At first the knight felt a rush of relief, then felt his jaw clench as he listened to the king's enthusiasm. 

"I-I beg your pardon?" 

"Well, Link's a great young man! He's handsome, brave, and has the hots for my baby girl!" The pudgy ruler rubbed elbows with Poopsalot. "He's also legendary!" 

"But what about me!" 

"...I wish my silly daughter would give into Link soon. They'd make such cute children!" 

"Huh!" 

"I mean, after all that boy does for her, he deserves some lovin'!" 

"Oh my God-" 

"My daughter should open 'em up wide for him!" 

"YOUR HIGHNESS-" 

"Yup, do the old 'horizontal mambo' with him!" 

"SIRE!" 

"...Really blow the roof off the castle!" 

"YOUR MAJESTY!" the young knight screamed, horrified at what the king was saying about his own child. "I beg you to stop! I am flabbergasted about how you speak of your daughter! I get the point!" 

"...Oh, I'm sorry. But to make a long story short, I want my Zelda to marry Link." 

"But what about our promise?" 

"What _about_ our promise?" The king led Poopsalot to a door down some long scary corridor somewhere. "I'll see you in the morning." 

"These are to be my quarters?" 

"Got a problem?" 

"Er, no. The bats and spider-webs add to the ambiance." 

"So does the asbestos!" 

"Asbestos?" 

"And not to mention the ghost!" 

"...I think I'll take a walk outside before retiring for the evening." 

"Very well. Enjoy your stay. Try not to get lost!" A hearty laugh later, the king waddled off into the bowels of the palace. Poopsalot retraced his steps and found an exit leading to the castle's courtyard. 

The words of the monarch echoed in his mind. _...Hmpf. He wants Zelda to marry that twit Dink. I've got some serious competition here. I don't want that gauntlet-to-the-face from earlier let Stink think he's got the upper hand. I am far superior! Ah-ha!... _While musing to himself, he thought he noticed the Hero of Time standing on his balcony, staring off into space. _...There he is! Time to give him a piece of my mind, while it's just the two of us!..._

"You there! Boy!" he cried, running to stand underneath Link's window. The hero looked down and rolled his eyes. "Yes, you keep looking, Twink! I've got something to tell you! You listen, boy. You are I are clearly not going to get along. You dress in freaky colored tunics, and I dress in fine Italian silk! From this moment on, you and I are engaged in a battle for Princess Zelda's heart! Just because you've saved the universe doesn't mean that I am no match for you! You and I are now eternal enemies, locked in a battle of wits and strength. May the best man win, Stink! What do you have to say to that?" 

And then Poopsalot felt something wet hit him square in the eye. When he went to feel it, it was slimy and gross. Link was grinning widely at him. At once, it dawned upon the knight that Link had hocked a loogie right on him. 

"Fine then, you uncouth beast! Let it be war between us!" 

Ahh...it feels good to be writing this story again. I hope you fools all enjoyed Chapter Twelve! It's the biggest chapter to this grand saga yet! The last few months have been hectic and I haven't had much of a chance to write, but now I'm back in full force. You know what that means. RUN! Chapter Thirteen will be headed your way shortly! Before it comes, RUN FOR YOUR SANITY! This story only helps kill brain cells! RUN, GODDAMN YOU! Run before you get served! ...Keep reading and reviewing, dear readers! Until the next time, bitches! ...Lunaretine loves you all. 


	13. Right Between the Eyes

Chapter Thirteen: Right Between the Eyes

It was the morning after Sir Poopsalot's debut, and life was trying to get back to normal at Hyrule Castle. Wait, did I just use the word "normal"? What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing is normal in Hyrule! Ok, you get my drift. Up in the castle tower, Princess Zelda slumbered peacefully, snuggled between her heart decorated Ikea sheets and Rainbow Bright comforter. The horror of the previous night eluded her dreams, leaving her to fantasize about her favorite heroic elf in his dandy white tights. She did not stir until a beam of sunlight shone through her window, rudely awakening her.

"Stupid sun..." she mumbled, sitting up. "I had just gotten to a good part in my dream." A knock at her door pissed her off even further. "Goddamit, who the hell is that?"

Only the king and Impa were allowed to disrupt her so early in the morning . Hell, even Link wasn't stupid enough to do that, and he's done a lot of stupid shit already in this story. Zelda looked down and quickly surveyed herself. She had fallen asleep in the dress she wore the night before and her make-up was smeared all over her face. Don't you hate it when that happens, ladies?

Not in the mood to be bothered, she shrugged and threw the covers off.

"Who is it?" she called. "Who dares to knock at my chamber door?"

No response.

"Link, are you playing hide-and-seek with Navi again?"

Nothing.

"Jesus Christ-"

Before she could get up and answer it, Sir Poopsalot barged in dressed like some medieval freak. Zelda yelped at the sight of him and sprung from her bed.

"Good morning, my beautiful bride-to-be! I thought it would be splendid to take a walk around Hyrule with you!"

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" she growled as she put on her pink robe.

"Hmm..." He looked out her window, then continued. "Judging by the position of the sun, I'd say it's about... 7:03 a.m., roughly."

"Yes, it's seven in the morning! I'm usually still asleep by this time!"

"The early bird gets the worm, that's what I always say! By the way, it took me about twenty minutes to find your bedroom. Never mind how long it took me to find the bathroom! I almost defecated in my armor! After all that, you now shun me, Princess?"

"Yup."

"Hmpf, very well. I take it that you're refusing my proposal for a morning walk?'

"Boy, nothing gets by you, does it?"

The knight frowned, defeated. "Fine. I shall see you at breakfast."

Zelda watched him exit. She darted over to the door and slammed it in his wake.

"And don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." she growled. The chirping of some birds outside her window caught her attention. "Stupid birds!" Angrily, she stomped over to her window and began yelling, "Can't I get any sleep around–Ohh...now _that's_ a sight I don't mind seeing so early in the morning..."

Outside in the courtyard, the Hero of Time was setting up his archery equipment. The hot, humid late spring weather had caused Link to shed his tunic, thus leaving him without an ounce of clothing above the waist. Zelda whimpered at the way the sun glistened off his incredibly toned torso. She just wanted to lick him, but since she couldn't, she licked her lips instead, getting a taste of her own cotton candy flavored lip gloss.

_...Great Din, what a body on that goon. Where the hell did he get such a six-pack stomach from? Ohhh...just looking at the way the muscles_ _move in his back is enough to get me squishy. Aw, he's got a few scars on him, but that's so hot. Everyone knows how chicks dig scars, and I'm no exception. Link, why did you have to grow up to be such a hunk? Hm, wonder why he's up so early. Probably couldn't sleep either. Maybe I should go down there and offer him a back rub..._

Buzzing around Link's head was his guardian faerie, Navi. Zelda couldn't make out what she was babbling about, but her high-pitched squeak of a voice was audible enough for the princess to distinguish. Listening to that at seven in the morning must've been enough to drive Link to some early target practice. The Hylian snob continued to watch from her perch, oblivious to the fact that Sir Poopsalot had reentered her bedroom.

"Your Highness, I can't find my way back to my quarters!"

"Ack!" Zelda squealed, infuriated that he had walked in on her for the second time that day. Actually, she was more teed off that he interrupted her "let's ogle over Link" session. "Do you want me to draw you a damn map!"

"That would be wonderful!"

"I was only kidding."

"What were you looking so intently at?"

"Huh?"

"Out the window?"

"Oh," She smiled to herself. "I was just admiring the view."

"And what a view you must have up here!" He joined her next to the window and peered outside.

"Excuse me! You're in my bedroom uninvited! What kind of chivalrous knight are you?"

"...Admiring the view, huh?" The knight turned to Zelda. "Does Zink usually go out this early?"

"Not usually." She folded her arms and returned to her bed, where she sat down. _...Shit! How the hell am I gonna get rid of this douche! Didn't he notice how I was foaming at the mouth over Link? Ack! I even admitted it! Stop it, Zelda! Stop it! Block out the voices! They're all going to laugh at you!..._

"No matter, he's nothing but an annoying ant on the grand picnic that is my life." Poopsalot, ignoring Zelda, took a seat in the chair next to her mirror and looked around the room. "My, I can't wait until we share this room one day!" he marveled.

"We won't be sharing _anything_ together!" she sternly said. _...Unless if it's a highly contagious and fatal disease, where Link will risk his life to find me a cure and you'll just die and your skull will become a home for a family of lice-ridden mice..._

"It's going to be spectacular, Zelda! Just you wait! It'll be just us and our eight children–all boys, of course. No flimsy girls. Our boys will grow up to be strong, just like their father! And if we have a girl, we'll send her off to finishing school and that'll be that! ...Zelda, are you listening?"

"Nope." She suddenly felt compelled to look out the window again. Getting up, she headed back over to her now favorite spot and fixed her gaze on the courtyard. Luckily, Link was still there, sexy as ever, firing off arrows at an alarming rate.

"Zelda, how rude! Is this the way you treat your future husband?"

"No, I'd treat him much nicer." The princess momentarily tore her eyes off Link to smirk at Poopsalot, who clearly did not like her sauciness.

"Bah! You talk like that now, but soon, you'll change your tune!" He rose to his feet and waved his fist around in the air like he had authority or something. "...Is that waffles I smell? Breakfast-time! See you, Princess!" In a flash, Poopsalot had vanished out the door.

"Piss off..." Zelda grumbled under her breath. "Back to spying on Link!"

Eagerly, she continued her stalker-like behavior. _...Damn, I'd rather eat him for breakfast, or maybe he'd let me lick it off his chest. I just want to bite into him! He's firing those arrows really fast. Hit quite a few bull's eyes too. He should go on all of his adventures shirtless. I think I'm turning into goo. Aw shit, I've been spotted!..._

Navi the faerie, apparently perturbed about how Link was ignoring her, caught sight of Zelda in her window and flew up to greet, or rather scream at, the princess.

"I saw you eyeing my Link!" the roach barked, doing circles around Zelda's head. "You've got that arrogant prick now, so leave me and Link alone!"

"Shut up, Navi. I hate Poopsalot just as much as you do!"

"What a pity." She faced Link's direction again and sighed. "Why don't you go downstairs and say something to him? If you can't already tell, he's pissed."

"Probably hoping that some early morning target practice will blow off some steam." _...Link, I'd just like to blow you. That was just too easy. Why'd I even bother saying it? Oh, but I want to so badly!..._

"Yeah, that was the idea." Navi and Zelda both paused to stare at the Hero of Time for a few more minutes. Conversation resumed after Link started to pack up his equipment.

"Dammit Zelda, you've got the power to go down there and do whatever you want to him! It gets me so angry that you just leave him hanging!" Navi wrinkled her nose at her own comment. "Well, it's not like you ever leave him _hanging_."

"That was crude."

"But oh so true."

"I don't think anything you or I can say will make Link feel better."

"That's bullshit!" Navi yelled in Zelda's face, her voice jumping up like ten octaves. The princess swore she heard what sounded like glass shattering from somewhere in the castle at the sound. "You mean to tell me you can't think of something to say that'll make him cheer up! Scared to get the wood burning, Zelda? Afraid that your little blonde brain would explode if you thought that hard!"

"Shut the hell up, you crazy parasite! Do you want Link to hear you?"

"Fine, I'll whisper then." the faerie huffed, but in fact did the exact opposite. "It's all your fault why he's like this! If that arrogant prick didn't show up on your behalf, Link would be fine!" She then shook her head and added, "Actually, he'd still be depressed, but it would have nothing to do with Poopsalot!"

"It wasn't my fault Sir Crapsalot returned! I had no idea who he even was!"

"That's 'Poopsalot!'" Mr. Arrogant Prick interjected from somewhere.

"Fuck you!" the ladies screamed in unison.

"Very well then!" came his cheery reply.

Zelda disregarded him. "Anyway, I didn't know that asshole was going to come back! My daddy thought he died or got sent to Sumatra or something! Get off my ass, Navi!"

"That's what I hate about you, Zelda! Wait, I hate a lot of things about you, but this is what I _really_ hate about you! Just give into your carnal urges already, goddamn you! Quit being such a pretentious bitch!"

"What!" the princess shrieked, not caring if Link overheard. "Go choke on a dust-ball, you flying infection! As a matter of fact, go find some flypaper to get suck onto and die, okay?"

"I hate you!" Navi snatched a lock of Zelda's long blonde hair and began to tug on it. "And I bet you're not a natural blonde!"

"Shit!" The Hylian grabbed her pint-sized foe and began to shake her wildly, but that didn't stop the faerie! The bitch had a taste for blood! "Stop that before I rip off your wings and fry you under a magnifying glass!"

"Eeeeeeekkkk!"

"Meow!" a male voice jokingly echoed. The girls stopped their quarreling and looked in the direction from where the sound emanated from. It came from the courtyard. "Catfight!"

"What are you laughing at, Link!" his faerie yelped, pushing Zelda's hand away. "She started it!"

"Huh? Liar!" the princess hissed.

"Heh, looking good, Princess!" the hero quipped, supporting his comment with a whistle.

"Er, I..." _...You don't look so bad yourself, hero..._ "Thank you."

"Hey!" Aaron, Link's little buddy, entered the courtyard and joined his mentor. "Dude, you're up early. Did your morning coffee give you the shakes or something?"

"Just thought I'd get some early morning practice in." The Hero of Time then paused to look his friend over. Apparently, the teenager had taken a cue from Link and opted to go shirtless too. Unfortunately for him, the look didn't suit him as well as it did for our hero. "Er, Aaron..."

"What?"

"..."

"...Not a good look for me yet?"

Link silently shook his head negatively.

"C'mon!" Aaron looked up at the ladies in the window. "What do you girls think?"

"You've got man-boobs!" Navi squealed, cackling heavily.

"I do not!"

"No, you've got backne!" Zelda joined in for shits n' giggles. In case if you didn't know, dear readers, I did not just invent a word there. Back + Acne Backne. See, who said pointless fan-fiction wasn't educational? You learn something new every day.

"No I don't!" the boy wailed. "Quit giving me a complex! You're going to make me even more pathetic than Link!"

"That's not even possible!" the Hero of Time caught himself saying before he stopped to think about what the hell he had just said. "...Wait a minute. That's not right."

"Fine, I'll put my tunic back on! I hate you all!"

"When you get the 'hero package' you can go without a shirt, Aaron. For now, keep eating those Wheaties!" the faerie shouted from her seat on Zelda's windowsill.

"Mmm, Wheaties!" Aaron tapped Link on the arm. "Let's go grab some grub, dude. Maybe Impa made us some Pop-Tarts!"

"Sounds good!" Link swung his bow over his shoulder and looked up at his two favorite girls in the window. "Joining us for breakfast?"

"Maybe later. I'm going to catch up on some sleep." Zelda stretched her arms. "That Poopsalot douche woke me up at the asscrack of dawn."

"Ah-hem!" cried that same douche. The knight crawled out from under the rock he had been hiding and stalked over to Link and Aaron in the courtyard. "I would like to say something in my defense, your Highness. I am not a 'douche'. I'll have you know I do not use feminine cleansing products on my nether-regions!"

"Ugh! Go to hell!" The princess angrily slammed her window shut and vanished from sight.

"No, you're more like a prick." the Hero of Time casually interjected.

"I'd go more along the lines of a giant phallus." Aaron smiled.

Sir Poopsalot turned to address the infidels with the authority of a drill sergeant who looked like he was battling a massive case of excess gas in his lower intestines. Wow, that was some colorful lingo there. Think I should write Hallmark cards? "...Zink, I will chose to ignore the comments you and your little man-servant made about me just now. Instead, I'd like to extend the olive branch."

"...Man-servant?" Link muttered to himself as he and Aaron exchanged puzzled glances. _...This asshole manages to piss me off with just his mere presence. I'd like to take that olive branch and stick it up his ass! Even better yet, I'd love to sent my hookshot up there!..._

"Bink, how about you and I...become pals?"

"Pals?" The hero raised an eyebrow. _...Pals! I want to use his spine as a back scratcher!..._

"Yes, pals. We're both men of valor. Two strong warriors such as ourselves must have numerous battle stories to tell. How about we go take a walk? I'll tell you all about my adventures and you'll just listen." Poopsalot noticed Link wasn't impressed with his suggestion. "Oh, and you can bring your little man-servant with us too. Hmm, he's more actually like your boy-servant. Isn't that cute? He's like a mini-you!"

"How about I ram my iron boot right up your–"

Aaron quickly cut his mentor off, "What Link means to say is that he's not interested. You can go off and frolic and prance in the meadow all by yourself, okay?"

"Hmpf!" The knight was offended. Hell, if I were him, I'd be offended just by my name. I guess I'd be a constipated prick too if I had to go through life named after the act of defecation. "I was just being honest! I guess honesty isn't the best policy!"

"No, being a douche isn't the best policy." Link growled as he put on his trademark white undershirt and green tunic.

The "man-servant" had to stifle in a laugh. _...Link, that was just awesome. Sometimes you amaze me, dude. I so want to follow in your footsteps one day...but I don't want to be a pathetic twenty year old virgin. Hey, everything else about you is cool though! You'll score with Zelda someday, Link! Rock on!..._

"By Jove! Your vulgarity shocks and awes me! I feel like I need a turpentine bath just after speaking with you. Anyway...tomorrow is Hyrule's annual archery contest, followed by a Medieval Times dinner, complete with scantily clad wenches. The king was telling me about it. I heard it's lovely!" Poopsalot began. Link rolled his eyes. "Are you thinking of competing, Stink? I heard you're undefeated. I'd like to change that."

"Count me in, bitch." the Hero of Time replied, grinding his teeth together.

"Link's gonna open a can of whoop-ass on you, Sir Shitsalot!" Aaron boasted. "He's gonna send your gay behind back to Ganon's castle, ya heard?"

"Bah!" Poopsalot hissed. Bah bah, black sheep! "Then I shall see you at the archery range tomorrow!" With that, the knight dramatically tossed his white cape to his side and whirled around in one graceful motion. "I'm spent!"

The poopy-challenged arrogant prick exited the scene. Just before Link could string up an arrow and send it straight up Poopsalot's buttocks, Aaron took him by the arm and began to drag him towards the castle kitchen. "C'mon, dude. Let the fragrant smell of smore Pop-Tarts calm the beast within..."

"I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him until he's dead!" _...He's SO on my Shit List!..._

Link's protegee had to practically drag him across the courtyard to get him back into the castle. When they were almost there, our hero's nostrils caught a whiff of the yummy breakfast treats Impa had cooked up and scooted into the kitchen. Aaron shrugged and followed. Upon entering, the pair was greeted by the elderly nursemaid, was holding a tray of fresh Pop-Tarts in one hand and a glass with her dentures in the other.

"Greetings, boys!" She smiled a gummy smile. It caused Link and Aaron to cringe. "Did I forget to put my teeth in again?"

"Y-Yes." they stuttered, trying their best not to stare at her. _...Christ... _Link thought. _...That's so gross. It makes my skin crawl! It's almost as gross as Ganon's Bea Arthur obsession!..._

Meanwhile, up on Death Mountain, Ganon was spying on his favorite elf through the Crackerjack Box of Doom.

"BLAST! WHAT DOES THAT FOOL HAVE AGAINST BEA! DAMN YOU, MR. LEFTY! BEA IS MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!"

Anyway...back in the Hyrule Castle kitchen, Impa had put in her teeth while Link and Aaron munched away on smore and strawberry Pop-Tarts. No, I'm not schilling for Kellogs here. Pop-Tarts is the breakfast of champions! Er, that and a shot of scotch.

"How do you feel, Link?" Impa asked.

"...Could be better."

"I made those smore ones just for you!" She nudged the tray on the table in his direction. "You had a rough night."

"Thanks, Impa. At least someone cares about me."

"Dude, after last night, I'm just glad you didn't kill yourself." Aaron added, not realizing the impact his words had on his mentor. Link stared at him blankly for that comment. "Was it something I said?"

"..."

"Good morning, all!" Princess Zelda's impeccable timing saved Aaron's ass.

"Hello, Princess!" everyone welcomed her. Link tore his eyes away from his breakfast to gaze at Zelda, who was still in her dress from last night.

_...Sweet merciful crap, just seeing her in that made me feel a zillion times better. Hmm...maybe I can "accidentally" splash some water on her top... Oh, how cruel! I don't think the king and his entire army would be able to restrain me from pouncing on her then! Link, have you resorted to juvenile tactics to score? Why yes, yes you have..._

"I thought you were going back to sleep, Zelda." Link said, trying his best to avert his eyes from her bosom, which had managed to peek out from her plunging neckline. _...They have a mind of their own! Kinda like my...er, never mind..._

"Dammit, I couldn't sleep!" she whined, opening up the cabinet to take out her favorite Hello Kitty cereal dish. "That jerk Poopsalot freaks me out. I'm afraid to sleep now! I need to get a deadbolt for my door. He thinks he can just prance into my chambers uninvited!" _...Only Link can do that! Ouch! It's too early in the morning for me to be thinking to myself like this..._

"He certainly is a character." Impa exclaimed. "Earlier he came in here and demanded that I make him banana-nut pancakes with toast. When I asked him if I looked like I worked at IHOP, he scowled and went God knows where."

"I just want to...to...punch him!" Zelda pounded her dainty fist on the kitchen counter (yes, they had those in medieval times), causing everything on it to rattle. Link raised an eyebrow.

_...She's getting violent. That turns me on like you wouldn't believe... Well, that and just about anything she does turns me on like you wouldn't believe. Stop kidding yourself, Link. You are one poor bastard..._

"Don't feel so bad, Princess." he told her. "I hate him just as much as you do. He challenged me to the archery contest tomorrow. Would I get disqualified if I shot him with an arrow right between the eyes?"

"If anyone else did it, yes. But if you did it, no."

"Oh, splendid!"

From out of nowhere ran in a frantic servant. He appeared frazzled! Author's Note: Not to be mistaken with Fraggle, those fuzzy creatures from Fraggle Rock. If anyone else out there remembers this show, I give you mad props.

"Princess Zelda!" he cried. "Your cat is tangled in the rosebushes again!"

"My poor kitty!" Zelda instantly dropped her bowl and darted outside.

"Link, you should go and help her." Impa directed, picking up after the princess.

"Yeah Link, go and catch that pussy." Aaron joked with a double entendre. The Hero of Time stood up and smirked to himself.

_...I'll get that pussy. Oh, and Zelda's cat too. Meow!..._

Aaron flashed Link a thumbs-up. He knew the hero too long to not know what he was thinking. After Link had departed from the kitchen, Impa turned to the teenager.

"It's about time that boy got some pussy!"

Shocked shitless at the nursemaid's statement, Aaron sent itty-bitty Pop-Tart pieces flying out of his mouth. Outside, Link walked down the path that lead around the castle wall. It didn't take him long to find Zelda. She was seated next to the Royal Rosebushes, attempting to untangle Miss Snuffles. The cat was totally not cooperating with her.

"Miss Snuffles, you have to stay still!" Zelda scolded, taking one of the feline's front paws. "I said stay still!"

"MEOW!" the animal screeched. In cat language that means, "Quit hurting me, you bimbo!"

"Miss Snuffles, I can't help you if you keep wriggling around like that!"

"MEOW! HISS!"

"Goddamit!"

"Need help, Princess?" Link asked, kneeling down next to her.

"Oh, you surprised me! Yes Link, maybe you can do something, even though I think she hates you more than she hates me." Zelda sat back and let her hero take over.

"...Thanks. Here, let me try." _...Thank God I've still got my gauntlets on, otherwise this damn cat would probably bite the hell out of me... _"C'mon, kitty." He gently placed one hand on Miss Snuffles' back and began to untangle her with the other. Zelda silently watched the interaction. She couldn't understand why her cat stopped struggling at Link's touch, but recoiled at her own.

_...Maybe he's got the "magic touch"... Sweet Nayru, do I want to find out what that is! He looks so good, but in a scuzzy way. The bags under his eyes aren't helping either...yet he still manages to turn me on! Squeee!..._

"There you go, kitty. All free." Link forced a smile. Then the cat did something it never did before–act nice to him. With great gratitude, it rubbed her head excitedly against his hand, demanding to be stroked.

"Aw, she's grown fond of you." Zelda sweetly said. _...Can you stroke another part of my anatomy like that?..._

"Yeah, well at least someone around here appreciates me."

"Link, that isn't true! Don't say things like that."

Miss Snuffles turned her attention towards her mistress, who continued to rub her behind the ears.

"I don't know, Zelda." Link sat down, rested his back against the castle wall and sighed. "I'll make it no secret. I feel very underappreciated."

"Link, you have so many people here who care for you. My father, Impa, Aaron...Navi, that annoying roach...and of course, me." she softly reassured him. The "me" part came out in almost a whisper, but it was enough for him to hear.

"You really mean that Zelda?"

"I guess."

The Hero of Time's eyes widened. She quickly corrected herself.

"Of course I do, Link! Don't be a tard!"

"Well if you put it that way..." he chuckled. Zelda took this opportunity to move closer to him. He welcomed her advances. The majority of you readers should enjoy this part, because I know many of you eat it up when I make warm, squishy moments between the pair. For the rest of you, you may want to break out the vomit bags. Then again, you all know how I end these things. Oops, I've said too much! This chapter will self-destruct in fifteen seconds.

Up on Death Mountain, Hyrule's number one Link and Zelda fan was still spying on them through his magic Crackerjack Box. He had nothing else better to do.

"AH HA HA! LINK, YOU BETTER GET WHAT'S DUE TO YOU! YOU ARE SO PATHETIC THAT YOU MAKE PAULY SHORE LOOK LIKE A STUD MUFFIN! YOU ARE SO SILLY THAT YOU MAKE PARIS HILTON LOOK LIKE A PARAGON OF MATURITY, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT BLONDE, UNTALENTED LITTLE SLUT! I HATE HER BLONDE BONEY BEHIND EVEN MORE THAN I HATE ZELDA'S BLONDE BONEY BEHIND! THAT BITCH HAS THE WORST CASE OF LAZY-EYE I'VE EVER SEEN!"

Ganon's rant was interrupted by loud banging on the opposite side of his wall. It was his tired minions. "Can you shut the hell up in there! Your maniacal raving is getting old!"

"...Sorry. I forget how thin these walls are."

Back to the Hylian duo!

"Zelda?"

"Yes, Link?"

"Remember last night?"

"I beg your pardon?"She felt herself grow nervous and played dumb...not that it was difficult for her to do so.

"After I slapped Poopsalot, we went back to your room...and then your father came in."

"Oh yeah..." _...No sense in holding back now, Zelda! Time to tell him what you were planning on telling him last night. Suck it up and be a man!..._ She shyly giggled. It got Link's plumbing going so badly that he had to bite his lip to prevent himself from giggling too. "Before that, I wanted to talk to you about something."

"What is it?" On the outside, Link's features remained stern, but on the inside, he was about to shit his tights.

"Um..." _...Poop! I can't say it now! I should've had a shot of tequila before attempting to say this!..._

To make it easier for her and nicer for himself, he reached out and wrapped his arms around the princess, pulling her closer to him. She followed his lead without objecting, and contented herself by placing her head on his shoulder. He deepened the embrace by closing his legs around her, so she couldn't escape even if she tried. Mwa ha ha!

"Link, it's about...us."

"Oh? What about us, Zelda?" He playfully wrapped a lock of her blonde hair around his index finger. _...Smooooth. Just keep acting all cool, Link. Make believe you're not ready to break down and cry like a sissy, although you really, really are..._

"Er, umm...about last night."

"I remember quite fondly about what happened last night. That asshole Poopsalot showed up and almost singlehandedly ruined the rest of my life."

"No...after that."

"Heh, you mean when we were in your bedroom, and we got interrupted...again."

"Bingo."

"So what are you trying to say, Zelda?"

"What I'm trying to say is..." She paused to gaze into his blue eyes. _...Is that Acqua Di Gio on him? Goddamn he smells good! Looks dirty, but smells good! Oh...his Pop-Tart breath makes me want to kiss him even more! I better say something. He's staring at me like I have snot hanging out of my nose or something... _"Do I have snot hanging out of my nose or something? Why are you staring at me like that?"

"No!" Link laughed, sensing her nervousness. "You're just a beautiful sight to stare at." ...What was that, dear readers? Is that the sound people make while picking dried barf chunks off their computer monitors?

The pair chuckled for a bit to kill the seconds between them. As if they were magnets, their eyes locked again, and the two felt the same strong familiar urges that wake them up in the middle of the night when they're craving some lovin'. The playful mood had gone, and now they were both serious for once.

"Link?" Zelda's voice had become suddenly breathy. _...Holy crap, when did I turn into Kathleen Turner!..._

You can say Link startled himself too with his unexpected sexy stud tone. "Yes, Princess?"

She brought her face closer to his. He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. Zelda had to breathe with her mouth open because she had become extremely overheated on the inside. Is it hot in here?

"This is exactly where we were last night before Daddy walked in..."

"I've noticed."

"Do I have to even say the words?"

"No, I'm not that dense."

"Good." The two leaned in to tongue each other, but a sudden jab in Zelda's side caused her to pull away a little bit. "Ouch, what is that?"

Link felt his face grow even hotter than it already was. "Oh jeez, that's embarrassing. I'm sorry, Zelda. Sometimes I can't help myself. I mean, you're so pretty and–"

"No, not _that_." Without asking, she reached into his satchel and produced a small stone that resembled a puzzle piece. "_This._ It stuck me when I went to-"

"Hehe, that's a Kinstone."

"Where'd you find it?"

"I tripped over it in Hyrule Castle Town not too long ago."

"That's funny, because I've got one too." She nonchalantly reached down her corset top and pulled out a piece very similar to Link's. Don't ask me why she had it there. You know how some women keep money under their bra straps? Well, Zelda keeps Kinstones. It didn't matter to Link though, because just the sight of it totally got the spark going again. Without thinking, his grip around her tightened and he rested his chin on her head.

"...Wanna see if they fit together?" he questioned naughtily. She played along, the entire time having another perverted thought in mind. "I bet our pieces will fit snugly together, Princess."

"Ohh...if they do, maybe we'll both get lucky..."

"Sweet Jesus in Heaven, I can only hope..."

They shakily moved the Kinstones closer to each other, overly eager to see just how damn lucky they'd get. I can't believe I've turned an innocent side quest from The Minish Cap into a debauched treat to arouse Link and Zelda. Someone slap me...but not too hard, because I may enjoy it. All of my nonsensical banter aside, the pair watched intently as their pieces slid effortlessly into place. Without even realizing it, they both whimpered when the stones unified into one solid green Kinstone.

"They fit." Zelda whispered into her hero's ear. The princess' warm breath sent a chill up Link's spine, and at that very moment, he thought he lost his virginity.

"I-I know...so are we going to get lucky?"

"Link?"

"Yes?" _...Holy crap is she going to say it? Is she going to say the words that I've been waiting to hear all my life? Er, not "Congratulations Link, your entire life has been one giant Candid Camera episode", but the other words! Jesus, I think I'm going to have an aneurysm!..._

She placed her hands on his chest, where she could feel his heart racing...and not to mention his sexy muscles. Meow, ladies! In a ragged voice she told him, "Tonight. My room. Bring whipped cream."

_...Okay..._ Link thought. _...Those weren't exactly the words I've been waiting almost a decade to hear, but they'll sure as shit do!... _

"Your wish is my command, Princess. Now, where were we?" They attempted to kiss again until Link felt something rubbing up against his legs. Thinking it was Miss Snuffles, he joked, "Your little kitty just can't wait, huh?"

"Huh?"

"Are those your hands then?"

"No, my hands were wandering up your tunic just now."

"Then what the hell is–?" Link and Zelda were both floored when they caught sight of the uninvited guest who crashed their interlude. "A baby octorok?"

"Ew!" the princess shrieked. "Kill it!"

"I'm not going to kill it! He's cute! Maybe he's our prize for uniting the Kinstones."

The small red octorok stared blankly up at the pair with its huge black eyes. It made some kind of cooing sound, then scooted about a bit with its legs before plopping down in front of Link.

"Where did it come from?" Zelda snapped. "And why is it in my courtyard!"

"It probably got separated from its mommy. I encounter these guys all the time on my adventures, Zelda. They're pretty harmless. You just have to dodge the rocks they spit at your head." Link reached out to touch it, but the octorok backed away. It proceeded to gaze up at him. "Maybe he's lonely."

"Watch him hit you right in the head, hero."

Link smirked, yanking Zelda close to him again. "You'd like to see that, wouldn't you?"

"I have at admit, it would be funny."

The octorok must've understood Hylian, or whatever language Link and Zelda talk in, because as soon as she said that, the creature hurled a rock right at the Hero of Time's head, where it made quite an impact. Instantly Zelda, and even the octorok in its own little way, began to laugh at Link's misfortune.

"...That really hurt!" he whined, rubbing the side of his head. "That bastard! Now I'm going to have a mark!"

"Ohhh I like him now!" The princess, forgetting about her raging lust for Link and her fear of Ganon's underlings, picked up the octorok and held it up to her face. It didn't spit at her or anything, but continued making strange noises that could be compared to a guinea pig squeaking.

"Thinking of keeping it, Zelda?"

"I shall call him...Octy."

"That's nice and creative." Link quickly said as he rolled his eyes. "Anyway, my head is now aching."

"I'm sure it is..." Zelda purred. _...Oh, I hope that didn't go right over his head. Judging by the look in his eye, it didn't..._

"You have _no_ idea." He resisted the urge to kiss her. Octy stared at him from Zelda's lap and continued to stare at him until Link turned away. "Er, I'm going to go take a bath." _...Why don't you join me, Zelda? But leave that damn octorok outside!..._

He released the princess from his grip and was just about to stand up before she stopped him.

"Remember the whipped cream, hero." She placed a kiss on his nose. "There's more where that came from."

Link felt his eyes bug out. He chuckled like a Catholic schoolgirl while he energetically nodded his head. Shit, he was just glad she didn't go schizo on him like she usually did. "I won't forget! I'll be there...say around 10-ish?"

"Perfect." Zelda stood up and cradled Octy. "Bye, Link."

"Bye..." Link watched as Zelda made her way back into the castle. Miss Snuffles trotted happily behind her mistress, but seemed curious about the odd animal she was holding. _...I hope Octy gets that cat right between the eyes...and I hope I get Zelda right between the legs. Oh! That was so good, Link! If I already wasn't such a loser, I'd give myself a high-five right now! Tonight is going to be soooo amazing! I can't wait to rub Poopsalot's face in it that I'm seeing his precious princess and he's not! Ha! I just served him in my mind! ...That was really lame–Holy shit, it's Ganon!..._

"MWA HAHA! IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU AWOKE FROM YOUR EMPTY THOUGHTS, MR. LEFTY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DO ANY REAL THINKING ANYWAY!"

Link was shocked to see Ganon floating horizontally right in front of him. "What the hell are you doing here!" he shouted, but then lowered his voice. He didn't want anyone else to see the Evil Incarnation of Darkness. "...You haven't fully figured out that warping thing yet, have you?" Link joked, alluding to Ganon's penchant for floating in all different directions except for the right one.

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT HERE TO EXCHANGE INSULTS WITH YOU, SWINE!"

"But you just did–"

"I CAME BECAUSE YOUR DITZY PRINCESS JUST STOLE MY PET! THE OCTOROK WAS A FAITHFUL MINION OF MINE! I WANT HIM BACK!"

Out from the castle meandered Aaron, who for no particular reason, headed over to the Royal Rosebushes where Link was still seated, conversing with the Evil Pig. Fearing for his safety, he hid behind an archway and stared.

"..._That_'_s_ Ganon? He looks like a ten foot tall Looney Toons character! Link couldn't have found a better nemesis than _that!_"

Ganon continued to fight with Link over possession of Octy the Octorok.

"Why the hell am I arguing with you over this?" Link growled. "And furthermore, how did you know Zelda took the octorok?"

"BECAUSE..." _...BLAST! I CAN'T HAVE HIM KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN SPYING ON HIM THROUGH MY MAGIC CRACKERJACK BOX OF DOOM! QUICK GANON, THINK OF SOMETHING!... _"BECAUSE I JUST KNOW, OKAY?"

"Yeah right!"

"DAMN YOU, YOU FREAKISH HYLIAN! I AM THE GREAT KING OF EVIL! I KNOW EVERYTHING–INCLUDING THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET LAID TONIGHT!"

"What! Fuck you! You were spying on us, weren't you?"

"N-NO I WASN'T! DON'T BE ACCUSING ME OF SUCH THINGS, LINK. YOU'RE THE PATHETIC ONE HERE! HOW ABOUT WE WAGE A BET?"

"Huh?" Ganon's offer took Link by surprise.

"CLEAN OUT THOSE LARGE POINTY DUMBO EARS OF YOURS AND LISTEN! WHAT'S A FRIENDLY BET BETWEEN ARCHENEMIES?"

"...What are the terms?"

"IF YOU GET LAID TONIGHT, I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN. NO MORE STEALING ZELDA AND THE TRIFORCE. NO MORE EVIL STUFF. AND YOU GET TO KEEP OCTY."

"And if I don't get laid?"

"THEN I GET TO WREAK HAVOC ALL OVER HYRULE!" Ganon smiled before adding calmly, "Link, you know how much I love doing that." He then started shouting again like a senior citizen in a bingo hall, "AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THE FIRST TWO SEASONS OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS WITH ME ON DVD!"

"Ack! Jesus Christ! I better get laid!"

"HEH, KEEP PRAYING! I DON'T THINK GOD AND HIS ENTIRE CANON OF SAINTS CAN HELP YOU, BUT YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY, RIGHT MR. LEFTY?"

"..." Link was seething.

"GOOD! IS IT A BET THEN?"

"Damn straight!"

"MWA HAHA! NOW, WHERE IS THAT OTHER BABBLING IDIOT?"

"Who?"

"THAT...THAT...ARROGANT CONSTIPATED PRICK!"

"Oh, Sir Poopsalot?"

"YES! BOY, DO I LOATHE HIM! HE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL!"

"It's your fault he's back here! You should've kept him locked up in your dungeon!"

"BUT JUST KNOWING THAT HE IS BUSTING YOUR BALLS BRINGS A SMILE TO MY FACE!" Link frowned at Ganon's words. The Prince of Thieves clapped his porky hands together. "I MUST BE OFF. I'M GETTING MY VILLA IN GERUDO VALLEY PAINTED. GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MY FAVORITE KEEBLER ELF! MAY HELL FREEZE OVER TONIGHT!" With some more insane guffawing, the Great King of Evil warped out of there in a cloud of neon blue smoke.

Aaron emerged from his hiding spot and darted over to Link. "Woah, dude! I just saw Ganon! He's...piggish."

"Yeah he's a schmuck–hey, how did you see Ganon?"

"Um, I was looking out my window."

"Bullshit! You were spying on me! Can't a hero get any privacy around this dump?"

"You got me there, dude. I was heading over to Hyrule Castle Town to check out the hot wenches when I heard someone screaming. Lo and behold, I found you and Ganon. What were you guys talking about?"

"Nothing."

"Whatever, dude. I also saw Zelda inside. She was holding an octorok. What the hell is up with that?"

"It's her new pet."

"So when are you gonna be tappin' her ass?" It was a rhetorical question Aaron asked Link on a daily basis, but this time, the answer he got was different from the norm.

"Maybe tonight!"

"Say what!"

"She wants me to go up to her room later!" Link was happy again. He became almost childlike. "Aaron, I'm gonna score!"

"Sweet! It's about damn time! You tell her who her daddy is, fool!"

Later that afternoon, the Hero of Time was preparing himself for his meeting with destiny. Coincidence that one of Zelda's titles is Princess of Destiny? I think not! It was time for Link's bubble bath. He had his entire body submerged in his bathtub basin thingie, totally relaxed. Only his face was showing. A serene smile spread across his lips as he kept his eyes shut, deep in thought. _...I'm gonna kiss her! I'm gonna kiss her! I'm gonna kiss her!..._

Navi, who loved to watch him bathe, perched herself on the bathtub's rim and dipped her feet in the lukewarm water. Kicking them back and forth, she stared at Link and wondered what in God's name was going through his Hylian brain.

"What are you so happy about? Tunics going on sale at Wal-Mart tomorrow?"

"I'll just ignore that, Navi." Link calmly replied, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Don't hide things from me, dammit! I know something's going down later, and you won't clue me in!"

"Something, or shall I say, someone, is going down later...on me!"

"Link!" she barked, folding her arms together. "Stop it! Quit lying! I'm your guardian faerie!"

"Navi, I'm twenty years old!" He sat up and scowled at her. "I don't think I need a guardian faerie anymore! I'm not even a Kokiri. Sheesh..."

"Fine! If that's the way you feel!" She started to fly off when Link reached out and grabbed her wings. "Let me go!"

"I'm sorry, Navi. I'm just really excited."

"About what?" she snarled. "...This has got to be interesting."

"About tonight."

"Why?"

"Zelda wants me to go to her room later..." He let his voice trail off. The faerie wasn't impressed.

"So?"

"So! So we can...heh..."

"So you can...?"

Link sighed and released her. She took a seat on the rim again. "Well Navi, if you must know, I finally think Zelda wants to..." He stopped to think of the right words. "...Take our relationship to the next level."

"Ha! Ha!" Navi laughed. " Oh, so now instead of you following her around on your hands and knees, obeying her each and every whim, she'll allow you to stand upright and do so?"

"No, Navi. Not like that." he snarled.

"Okay, I get it now. She going to loosen the leash around your balls so you can stray just a tad bit farther while obeying her each and every whim?"

"Navi, you're coming _really_ close to knocking Poopsalot out of the number one slot on my Shit List right about now!"

"Wait, I have it!" Navi held out her tiny hand to silence him, but couldn't stop laughing. "She's going to let you lick her dainty royal toes instead of letting you wipe her royal ass? Er, wait. You'd like that. Ha! Ha!"

"Y'know, everyone makes fun of me." Link complained. He didn't want his pet faerie to piss on his parade, even if her piss was more like drizzle. "I do so much for this goddamn place! Gee, I'm _only_ the Hero of Time! Shouldn't I get some sort of benefits, like a nice 401K? I'll even settle for a decent heath insurance plan! No matter, tonight Zelda will make it up to me."

"Ha! Ha! Ha! I can just picture you licking her crusty feet! Ha! Ha!"

"Laugh all you want, you overgrown fruit fly. I'll be the one getting the last laugh–"

"Holy shit, Link! Hahaha! You're delusional!" Navi was now laughing so hard that she lost her balance and accidentally fell into the bath water. Link took this opportunity to quickly get out and wrap a towel around his waist. The faerie wiped the soap from her eyes and bobbed in the water. "Hey, don't you look sex-ay!" she smiled.

He was too busy searching through his clothes cabinet to answer her. A few minutes later he pulled out his favorite blue tunic. Not only did it allow him to breathe underwater, but it also brought out his eyes.

"Gonna look all nice for Zelda while you're licking her toe crust?" Navi quipped, blowing some bubbles around.

"Shut up, Navi." Link retorted, not even bothering to look up at her.

"Haha...crust." the faerie said to herself, still trying her darndest to control her laughter.

"Can you make like a tree and leave? I need to get dressed."

"So you're not going to flash me again?"

"You wish."

Navi flew out of the tub and dried herself off on Link's night-stand. Looking him over, she sighed to herself. "Link, what I wouldn't give to be a normal girl's size."

"Why?"

"Because then maybe you'd like me instead of Zelda."

"Navi, you're perfect the way you are. Now leave! And don't be shocked if I don't come back to my room tonight!"

"Link, is that Cool-Whip on your dresser!"

"Get out!"

"Sure, have fun slurping toe crust." she called as she exited via the door's keyhole.

Link got dressed and gazed at his full length mirror. "Heh, time to show Zelda who her daddy is! Link, you look so fine..." He only resorted to referring to himself in the third person when he was in a particularly dandy mood...or if he had gone temporarily psychotic.

Ten o'clock was drawing near. Princess Zelda, up in her tower, had changed into a pretty, but plain, red dress...a very tight and low cut red dress. Work it, girl! Work it!

"I can't wait to squeeze him and hug him and tee-hee!" she chirped while fixing her hair in the mirror. "He's going to need time to recover after all the things I'm going to do to him!"

Then came the fated knock at her bedroom door.

"He's here! Took the goon long enough..." After checking herself over for the final time, she glided over to the door, puffed out her chest, and opened it up.

Meanwhile, Link was pacing back and forth in his bedroom.

"It's five to ten. Perhaps I should go now? Oh, I don't want to be early. She may think I'm eager to get her out of her corset...which I am actually. I shouldn't kid myself. Let's go!" He too stopped to survey himself in the mirror before exiting. _...I do look handsome. This is my best blue tunic! Zelda digs the blue tunic! I'd like it even more if she ripped it off of me. After all, Wal-Mart is having a sale on tunics–Christ, what the hell am I thinking! Time to get laid!..._

He left his room and made his way down the hallway. When he reached the steps leading up to Zelda's tower, he sucked in a deep breath. _...I'm sweating bullets. I hope my Old Spice deodorant kicks in!..._ Slowly, he ascended the staircase. Once he reached her door, he hesitated. "Let's not freeze now, loser." he muttered. "She's inside waiting for you to shag her rotten. Let's just have fun tonight." _...Everybody, wang-chung tonight! Where the fuck did that come from! AACCCKKK this is driving me insane! Let me go in!... _

_Knock! Knock!_

"Come in!" came Zelda's response.

"She waits for me!" Link snickered to himself. Anxiously, he opened up the door. Calling the sight that greeted him a letdown would be an understatement. It was more like waiting in line to see an anticipated movie, only to walk out two hours later, lamenting the 120 minutes of your life you'll never get back. You can say Link felt very let down. He felt damn near homicidal.

In the middle of the room a small table had been set up. Sitting there was Princess Zelda and Sir Poopsalot, partaking in a game of Scrabble.

Zelda sadly looked up. "Hey, Link."

The knight turned around in his seat to face his rival. "Hey, Bink! Why don't you join us for an old fashioned game of Scrabble?"

Zelda braced herself for Link's reaction. She could tell by his facial expression that he was about to blow a gasket...or break down and cry. _...Awww shit, he's pissed. Goddamnit, he looks so gorgeous too! Damn Poopsalot! Damn him straight to hell! OUCH! Stupid blonde hair!..._

"Yes Link, please join us." she begged, pushing over an empty chair.

"Yes!" Poopsalot coaxed. "Come, Dink! Show me your Scrabble skills!"

Without a word, Link dragged himself over to them and took a seat. So for the next hour or so, they played Scrabble. The perturbed hero (I love the word "perturbed", if you haven't noticed) had folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, resting his feet on the table next to the game. He stared crossly at the full Scrabble board, angered beyond the point of speech. Zelda nervously looked down and bit her lower lip. Poopsalot joyously gazed over the finished board.

"Well," he began pompously. "Let's count up our words! I have 'bravado', 'didactic', 'magnanimous'–triple word score there--'killjoy', and 'tremulous.' Zelda has 'pink', 'fuzzy', 'candy', and 'star.' Link has 'death', 'murder', 'malice'–double word score for you– 'hatred' and 'misery.' I've got one hundred points! I win!"

No response from the other two. He shrugged.

"Who's up for another game?"

Link shot Poopsalot the "if looks could kill" face. Zelda hastily folded up the Scrabble board and faked a yawn.

"No!" she yelled before swallowing hard. "I mean, not more tonight. We're tired."

"Maybe tomorrow then!" He packed up the game, then bid them farewell before departing. "Good night! I sure had fun tonight. Later, Sink!"

After the knight left, Link and Zelda got to their feet. They embraced and held each other tightly.

"I thought he'd never leave!" Zelda growled. "I tried to force him out several times, but then he just barged in here... I'm sorry, Link."

"It's okay. It's not your fault he's a dickhead."

The two exchanged grins.

"Time to go back to the original plan." she chuckled nearing her face closer to his.

"Couldn't agree with you more." He placed his fingertips under her chin, readying her for a kiss. Naturally, just before he could plant one on her, Poopsalot ran back into the room. They stopped dead in their tracks. Zelda rested her forehead against Link's chest and released a long breath.

"Forgot a letter stand!" The knight held up the missing game piece. "Fink, are you checking her for cavities?" He made a face and shrugged. "No matter. Good night, my love!"

Then, to add insult to injury, Octy the Octorok popped out from under Zelda's bed and found its favorite target. It fired another rock at Link's head, making direct contact and shattering into several pieces. The princess gasped, but remained silent because Link looked totally demented by this point. The Hero of Time ignored the throbbing pain now emanating from his fresh bump and stared blankly at Zelda.

"Well I now feel like the biggest tool in the universe. Good night, Zelda."

He broke away from her embrace and left the room. She followed him with sad eyes, but didn't say a word. She too felt like a tool. It sucks to be a tool. Upon reaching his room, Link opened and slammed shut the door. Already sitting on his bed were Ganon and Navi, who looked at him with glee in their eyes.

"Mmm!" Navi smiled widely. "So how'd that crust taste?"

"MR. LEFTY STRIKES OUT AGAIN! MWA HAHA! YOU'RE SO PATHETIC THAT I'LL SKIP OVER WREAKING HAVOC IN HYRULE. BUT YOU'LL STILL HAVE TO WATCH THE GOLDEN GIRLS WITH ME! MWA HAHA!"

Link glared at them and menacingly barked, "Shut the fuck up, Navi! Drop dead, Ganon! Just _fuck_ you both!"

"I SEE SOMEONE NEEDS A TIME OUT! HAHAHA! UNTIL NEXT TIME, LOSER!" Ganon vanished as quickly as he had appeared, but off in the distance, Link and Navi could still hear him yelling, "I TOLD YOU SO, MR. LEFTY!"

Link took off his tunic and threw it onto the floor. He collapsed on the bed and thrust his face into his pillow. It was a bad attempt at showing Navi he didn't want to be bothered. Of course she antagonized him.

"Things didn't go as expected, huh?" she asked, half-mockingly.

"Leave me alone." His response was muffled by the pillow. "I want to curl up into a ball and die!"

A knock at the door cut short Link's wallowing. It was Aaron.

"Dude I heard screaming! I thought you may have been pounding Zelda real hard until I realized it was Ganon." The boy entered the room and shut the door behind him. "Back so soon, Link? What are you, the 'minute-man' or something?"

"I'd rather not discuss it." Link kept his face in his pillow.

"Uh oh, what happened?"

"Don't ask."

"Aw, tell me what happened, dude. It'll make you feel better."

"No."

Aaron took a seat on the bed, then addressed Navi on the dresser, "Navi, would you leave us alone? I want to have a man-to-man talk with Link."

"Oh please, neither of you are men yet."

"Navi, leave!" Link had rolled over to face his little buddy and was sick of the faerie's smart ass commentary.

"Fine..." She went to go hide somewhere.

"Okay dude, you tell me what happened." Aaron directed. "Let it all out, dude. I'm here for you."

"Er, thanks... Anyway, you know how I was supposed to go up to her room tonight, right?"

"Yeah, you were gonna score!"

"Heh, all was good until I got there."

"And?"

"Aaron, do you know who was there?"

"Jimmy Hoffa?"

"No! Poopsalot! And they were playing Scrabble! Fucking Scrabble! I ended up joining them!"

"Dude, that's WEAK!"

"Then Zelda's octorok hit me on the fucking head for the second time today, and I felt like such a tool that I had to leave."

"Ouch...literally. Link, I'm sorry."

"I'm used to it. I'm just beginning to think that Zelda and I aren't really meant for each other, despite what all the prophecies say."

"Don't say that, Link! You guys are totally meant to be together! Fuck Poopsalot! You can't let him keep getting in the way! Time to show that douchebag who's boss around here."

"And how the hell am I supposed to do that without getting arrested for manslaughter?"

"Tomorrow you'll have a good chance. It's the archery tournament. Show that bitch who Hyrule's real hero is. He's such a punk."

"Yeah, but what good is that gonna do? I already act like a dick to him."

"Continue to do it! Also, keep at it with Zelda. She seems to be opening up. At this rate, give her..." Aaron paused, then giggled to himself, "Five more years."

"That's not funny."

"I'm only kidding! Link, you gotta just be yourself. That's why Zelda loves you. In the meantime, show Poopsalot who his daddy is. You're the Hero of Time. He's just a primped up bitch."

"I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right! I'm sixteen! I know everything there is to know!"

Link forced a smile. "Okay...tomorrow I'll just kick his ass at the archery contest. Then maybe I'll challenge him to a duel and run him through with the Master Sword."

"Now you're thinking!" The boy stood up and stretched. "Dude, I'm beat. You should get some sleep. Gots to open a can of whoop-ass in the morning! See you then."

"Thanks, Aaron."

"No problem, dude. Remember..." Aaron walked over the door, but before leaving, he turned to Link and grinned. "You're Zelda's daddy."

THE NEXT MORNING...GODDAMIT!

It was the day of Hyrule's big archery tournament. People who had nothing else better to do gathered bright and early at Hyrule Castle's archery range, where archers had been practicing all morning. One archer in particular was conspicuously absent. Aaron surveyed the crowd, but couldn't find his friend.

"Where is that hornbag?" he questioned himself. "He better not be whacking off again! It's not the time for that!" Angrily, Link's protegee stormed back into the palace and headed straight towards his mentor's chambers. Inside, he found the bedroom door closed, but decided to barge in anyway.

"Dude, you're still asleep! Wake up!"

"Ugh, just a few more minutes..." Link threw the blankets over his head, ignoring the teenager.

"Get dressed!" Aaron scampered over to Link's dresser and pulled out a fresh tunic and pair of tights. Link groggily stretched and started to pick eye crust out of the way. "C'mon, dude! Hurry the hell up!"

No response. Fed up, Aaron grabbed his friend's arm and began to drag him out of bed. Link didn't resist. "Quit being a douche, Link! Don't you want to ram an arrow up Poopsalot's ass?" With one last mighty tug, Aaron sent Link crashing to the hard wooden floor. "Shit!"

"Ugh." the Hero of Time grunted without saying much else.

"Link!"

"Fine, I'm getting up!"

"Good! Meet me in the archery range in twenty minutes." Aaron commanded as he stepped over the hero and exited the room.

"Yes, Mommy." Link leered. He shut his eyes. "Just a few more winks..."

Outside, Hyrule was abuzz with rumors of a new archer in town who was even better than Link. The Royal Family (all two of them) situated themselves in a stand overlooking the range. It was Hyrule's answer to season ticket boxed seats at Yankee Stadium. Zelda anxiously peered out into the crowed, hoping to catch sight of her hunky elf. She wanted to give him a good luck blow job–er, kiss! I meant kiss! The king sat next to his daughter.

"My dear girl, where is Link?"

"I don't know, Daddy." She continued to keep an eye out for him. "He'll be here soon."

"I hope so. I don't want that Poopsalot fellow to win."

"Me neither."

"...Are you and Link to be wed soon?" the king casually asked. It was a question he brought up at least five times a day, almost along the lines of, "Did I forget to flush the toilet?" or "I hope I don't have panty-lines through these pants!" Hey, at least that's what I think of!

"Daddy, you ask me that every day!" Zelda sighed. "And every day I give you the same answer!"

"Well, I really wish you would soon, my dear. I'd like to be a grandfather by the time I'm sixty!" Zelda remained silent and stared down at her lap, where Miss Snuffles was napping peacefully. "Zelda, there he is!"

The princess instantly looked up to see Link lazily making his way across the archery range with his equipment in hand. Her view became obstructed when a fag in white darted in front of her.

"Good morning, Princess! Lovely weather for an archery tournament, is it not?" It was Poopsalot. Who the hell else in Hyrule would wear a queer white get-up and prance around? Link may be pathetic, but he isn't metrosexual.

The king and his daughter plainly disregarded the visitor. Zelda tried to see past the knight, but his cape kept flowing in the wind, blocking her view of Link. _...Damn, Link looks so hot. Very hot. After this contest, I want him to stick his arrow into my target... _"Damn, Poopsalot! Move!"

"Hmpf!" He shrugged off her comment. "Care to wish me luck, Princess?"

"Huh? Er, break a leg. Literally."

"Thank you, Princess! Now with your luck, I am sure to become the new champion." Poopsalot smiled widely. "I shall defeat Dink and become the number one archer in all of Hyrule!"

"Shouldn't you be with the other archers by now?" the king of Hyrule impatiently asked.

The knight blinked. "Why, yes! Yes I should! I'll see you both after my victory. Ta!" He left.

"Link better win." the monarch growled to Zelda.

Down at the archery range, Aaron was giving our hero a pep talk.

"Okay, dude. You've done this before. You know the drill. Just win!"

"I can do this bullshit in my sleep." Link tiredly said as he strung up his bow.

"Uh-oh," Aaron warned. "Here comes Poopsalot. You can't mistake that gay walk of his. What a little bitch!"

"Hello, Sink!" the knight greeted, peering over Link's shoulder to see what he was doing. "I see you're preparing for the tournament! Oh, and your little boy-servant is here to aid you! How spiffy!" He turned to Aaron, who had taken to gnawing on his lip. The Hero of Time ignored him.

"Zink, I just dropped by to rub it in that I'm going to win this year, and not you!"

Irritated, Link faced his adversary. "We'll just see about that, Shitsalot."

"The name's 'Poopsalot', Kink!"

"Same thing."

"No matter. May the best man win–who we already know, is me. Ta!" Poopsalot queerly skipped away.

Aaron had a baffled look on his face as he stared at his mentor.

"He is such a–"

"I know." Link snarled. He calmly strung up an arrow and held his bow in the ready position. Almost as if it was a sign from the gods, he caught sight of Poopsalot conversing with another archer. Grinning maliciously, he aimed the arrow straight at the knight's head. His protegee noticed what he was up to.

"Dude...what are you doing?"

"Nothing." Link nonchalantly replied. _...Let's see. I can simply kill that bastard right now. Right between the fucking eyes! It's all in the release of my fingers. Temptation pretty good...control yourself, Link. Shit, but it's so hard to!_...

"Attention all archers!" Princess Zelda's voice rang out amongst the hubbub. Everyone shut up and paid attention to their ruler-in-training. Link placed down his bow and gazed up at her.

_...Din, she's so pretty. Goddamit, I could've had her last night if–..._

"Hehe, now that I've got your attention," Zelda began. "The winner of this contest will be rewarded generously with a $200 gift certificate to Target..." She paused, and locking eyes with Link added, "and a kiss from me!" _...Oh Link, you'll get more than a kiss. Get that whipped cream ready, boy!..._

The archers began to frantically talk to each other. The gift certificate idea had gotten old, but everyone was excited over the kiss from Zelda. Aaron slapped Link on the back and laughed, "Maybe you'll get more than a kiss!" He made blow-job motions with his hand.

"Aaron, stop." Link chuckled, although he entertained the thought. _...I definitely have to win this now. If that douche wins, there are going to be problems. Eh, I've won this for the past six years. What the hell's going to stop me now? The pressure's on!..._

Then there was another loud voice. It was the announcer from his commentator's booth above the range. "Ladies and gentlemen of Hyrule...LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!"

The crowd cheered uproariously as the first round of archers went up. Link took a seat on his bench, awaiting his turn. The first half of the contest went by uneventfully. The only impressive score was a 780, which came from a commoner. Heh, that was nothing for Link. The hero watched, keeping his cool. Aaron was giving him a shoulder massage.

"Dude, you're next! Kick some ass!"

"I will." Link couldn't stop thinking about the kiss he and Zelda were going to share after the contest was over. _...Oh yeah. Zelda, who's your daddy? One minute I'll be kissing you. The next, I'll have my head up your skirt. Smoooth..._

"Dude!" Aaron cheered, interrupting his perverted fantasy. "You're up! Good luck!"

"Thanks, dude. I'll kick Poopsalot's ass just for you."

The last round of archers took their places. This group only consisted of Link, Sir Poopsalot, a blind guy, and a midget. Smooth sailing, right? The announcer called out their names individually as each took their place in front of a target. After introducing the two nobodies, he read aloud the gay knight's name.

"Next up is...Sir Poopsalot–Poopsalot? What the hell kind of name is that!"

The knight proudly walked up to his assigned place and waved at the crowd like Miss America.

"He seems pretty sure he'll win." the king whispered to his daughter.

"He better not!" Zelda snapped. "I'm not kissing him! I'll knee him right in the nuts!"

The announcer then called out the name of the last contestant, who unsurprisingly was the most popular there. "And we've saved the best for last, ladies and gents! Here he is, our reigning champion for the past six years! The savior of Hyrule! Jesus Christ incarnate! The one, the only, Hero of Time, Link!"

"Dude, kick ass!" Aaron gave his buddy a good luck slap on the arm before he departed to take his spot on the range. The girls in the crowd began to go crazy, holding up signs reading "I heart you, Link!" or "Marry me, Link!" Others screamed out to him, pledging their undying love.

"Link, I love you!" one fan shouted. "You are so hot!"

"Link, father my children!" another girl interjected.

Link grinned to himself, until he heard a familiar female who sent chills up his spine. He turned around to see a group of people trying to hold a young woman back from jumping into the range. She was yelling at the top of her lungs. Malon.

"I STILL LOVE YOU! OH GOD IN HEAVEN, LINK I LOVE YOU! MARRY ME! MAKE BABIES WITH ME! I GAVE YOU A HORSE, NOW GIVE ME YOUR LOVE! I LOVE YOU! LINK, LOOK AT ME!"

Zelda jealously noticed half of Hyrule's women lusting over her hero, but hid it by clapping for him. Poopsalot also saw the reception Link received and thought scornfully, _...Damn Stink! Soon women will be screaming for me to impregnate them!..._

"Okay ladies, hose yourselves off!" the announcer joked with all the ecstatic females. "It's time for the last round to begin!"

The object of this round was to get the two highest scoring archers and have them face off against each other...or some junk like that. Did that make any sense? Good, I hope so. Not a hard concept, right? I have no idea how archery tournaments were run. Don't even ask me about Hylian ones. All the archers began doing their thing and yada yada yada Link whipped every single one of their pansy asses with perfect bull's eyes. Unfortunately, to his dismay, Poopsalot was also a good archer and hit a few bull's eyes himself.

_...What the fuck! I thought he was locked in a dungeon for ten years straight! Where'd he learn to shoot like that? I mean, he's not me, but jeez, I thought this would be easier. And he aims and shoots so gayly too. It makes me sick!..._

When they were all done shooting, the knight turned to Link and pompously spoke, "Ah, we both scored a 1700. How dandy!"

"Yeah." Link snarled, clenching his bow.

"Looks like it'll be us two in the finals!"

"Yup..."

Our announcer friend informed the crowd about the tournament's standings, "Isn't that something, ladies and gents? Sir Poopsalot and the Hero of Time are both tied with 1700 points! Link, have you lost your touch? This is going to be one hell of a final round!"

Zelda nervously bit on her nail. _...Oh God! Come on, Link! If you don't win this, I'll break you over my knee!..._

Showing off in his usual pompous way, Sir Poopsalot decided to change the rules a bit. When his audience became silent, he addressed them in a loud, stuck up voice, "Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your undivided attention? ...Hey, kid picking his nose! Stop that! It's so uncouth! Anyway..."

Link felt an eyebrow raise and his eye begin to bulge out of its socket. _...Who the fuck does he think he is! Me!..._

To the hero's annoyance, Poopsalot continued, "For my final task, I will shoot an arrow off that weathervane on top of the Temple of Time's steeple, (Author's note: Does it even have a steeple? Well, it does now!) where it will bounce off and hit the castle's bell tower, (Me again: Guess what. I added that too, bitches!) where it will..."

Link had stopped paying attention to him. He was too busy shitting bricks. _...Shit, I gotta top that! What the hell am I supposed to do? Stand on my head and shoot bull's eyes while pulling monkeys out of my ass? If he makes this shot, I'll die!... _He tuned to Poopsalot again, who was still rambling on.

"...Where it will ricochet off the pillar and onto the target in a perfect bull's eye!"

Everyone was astonished at this feat, including Zelda and Aaron. Both were hoping the arrogant prick would mess up somehow. Poopsalot strung up an arrow and aimed at the weathervane up on top of the steeple. Link anxiously watched and wished for the worst. Then he heard a _whoosh_ as the arrow cut into the air...and bounced flawlessly off its targets, ending in a goddamn perfect bull's eye. It was almost magical. Only in Hyrule will you find shit like this, people. Gotta love it.

Link felt his chest tighten. _...Aw FUCK ME!..._

The audience bursted into applause. Er, scratch that. All the men in the crowd applauded. The women, Zelda, Aaron, and the king watched in dismay. Each wished that Link would do something spectacular, like pull a monkey out of his ass that shot as incredibly as he did. Hey, it's better than standing on your head while doing so!

"Holy crap!" the announcer exclaimed. "What a shot!"

Poopsalot walked up to Link and smugly smiled in a smugly smug way, "Your turn...may the best man win, Bink. But we already know who that is." He backed away, giving Link space. Quickly, the Hylian hunk began to ponder...ponder like he never had done before. He thought of something, and he thought of it fast. Aaron suddenly caught his eye. The boy was looking at him worriedly. Then Link got a great–but incredibly stupid–idea. The crowd silenced their buzzing, except for Malon yelling "I love you!"out of nowhere.

Taking in a deep breath, the Hero of Time spoke to his audience,"For my trick, I will need a little assistance." He glared at Aaron. "...and an apple and a blindfold."

Whispers erupted from the spectators. Poopsalot sucked his teeth.

"What is he going to do?" the king asked Zelda. "It seems dangerous!"

She didn't respond, but continued to watch, stunned.

"Aaron, will you assist me?" Link questioned his friend in a threatening tone. Aaron saw the glare in Link's eyes and knew he had no choice. He slowly walked out of the stands and stood next to his mentor. Link smiled at him and muttered, "Remember what we played the other day?"

"Uh-huh." he answered, frightened.

Link shot him one last smile, then turned his attention back to the crowd. "For my feat, I will shoot an apple off my protegee's head...while blindfolded!"

Of course, everyone went wild!

"He's going to pull off a William Tell shot!" Zelda cried to her father. "Poor Aaron! He could kill him!"

"Do you think he can do it, dear daughter?"

"I don't know. No one's ever attempted it before. Link is being totally irrational about this! What's he trying to prove, risking Aaron's life?"

"Will someone hand me an apple?" Link held out his hand. Some random idiot threw one at him. "Hey–thanks! Okay Aaron, go stand in front of the target now."

"Is the blindfold for me?" he hopefully asked.

"No, it's for me."

"Link!"

"Shut up and go!"

The scared boy did as he was told. Link followed him and placed the apple on Aaron's head when he stood in place. His protegee gave him a scared, pleading look, but all Link did was smile assuredly. He walked back to his spot and produced a blindfold from his satchel. Actually, it was an old sock, but no one else could see that. An assistant ran up to him and offered his help. Link handed him the sock, and the assistant tied the blindfold around his eyes. When all was ready, Link took the correct stance (at least he thought he did) and aimed his bow. Stringing up an arrow, he tried to get a good idea of where his target was.

_...Damn, it's dark! I can't see a thing! I feel like I'm the loser kid at a birthday party who can't find the pinata, no matter how many times he swings. Christ Aaron, if I make this shot, I'll take you out to Hooters!..._

It became so quiet that you could hear crickets, or at least the piss now running down Aaron's legs.

_...Shit, did I actually piss myself out of fear? ...Yes. Yes I did. Maybe Link should kill me to relieve me of the embarrassment! He is so off my Christmas list if I make it out alive!..._ He began to mouth the words to a novena as he watched Link aim at him.

Princess Zelda and her father observed in utter silence. She was infuriated at Link for doing something so stupid, even if Aaron was okay in the end. He certainly wasn't going to get a kiss anymore! Hmpf! Instead, she was going to take his $200 Target gift certificate and spend it on herself.

_...I know! I'll go to Target and buy lots of Winnie the Pooh stuff for my room! Link HATES Winnie the Pooh! That'll show that bastard!..._

Link, content at where he was aiming at (or at least where he thought he was aiming at), prepared to release the arrow. _...Just make believe it's Zelda. You're the arrow. The apple is Zelda. Rip that bitch into two, goddamn you! Oh Link, what a tangled web we weave!..._

Aaron noticed that his friend was ready to kill him. He clenched his eyes shut and started to produce long, whiny noises. And then there was the sound he dreaded. _Swoosh!_ As if on cue, every single person watching the events gasped loudly. The next thing Aaron felt was warm liquid trickling down his nose.

_...HOLY SHIT, BLOOD! The son of a bitch hit me! I'm going to die! ...Wait, this isn't blood... _He smacked his lips. ..._IT'S APPLE JUICE!..._

Link ripped the blindfold away and saw the two pieces of apple lying at his buddy's feet. The arrow rested in the target directly above his head. It was such a perfect shot that Link thought he heard angels singing. The spectators simultaneously roared around him, shouting praise and marriage proposals. Poopsalot's jaw dropped. He wasn't happy. Not one bit. Aaron, after having the shit shocked out of him, collapsed into an unconscious heap.

"Mary, Mother of God, what a shot!" the announcer cried out, blown away at Link's superior archery skills and lack of brains. "That had to be the most insane shot I've ever seen! Only someone with a reckless sense of style and nothing to lose attempt that! Link, you're the only one capable of pulling it off, you crazy mother fucker! For the seventh straight year in a row, our champion is the Hero of Time!"

The Hylian ladies chimed in with their chants of "I love you!" and "You're so dreamy!"

_...Oh yeah...who's your daddy?..._ Link victoriously grinned to himself. ..._And here comes Zelda. Get ready Link, because you're going to be tonguing her in about five seconds–..._

He went to take her into his arms when she pushed him away.

"You idiot!"

"Huh? What's wrong, Zelda?"

"You, you dork! You almost killed Aaron!" She pointed to the still K.O.'d boy on the ground.

"Well excuse me, Princess!"

"I can't believe you! Don't ever do anything that stupid again!"

"So does this mean I don't get my kiss?" Link sadly pouted.

"You'll get a swift kick to the–"

"Link!" Malon snuck up behind him and threw herself on top of the hero, flinging them both onto the hard dirt. Zelda got even pissier and stormed off. Link watched, helpless as the ranch-girl covered his cheeks with kisses.

"Malon, get off!"

"Oh, Link! You were so magnificent!"

"Malon, I can't breathe."

"I love you!" When she went to kiss his lips he pushed her away and freed himself.

"Get away from me, you demented bitch!"

"Hehe, are you playing hard-to-get?"

"Ugh! Go and drink some Clorox!" He left his fan club behind and chased after Zelda. He spotted her under an archway. "Zelda, there you are."

"Shouldn't you be attending the party being held in your honor right about...now?" She coldly pushed him aside and went to leave when he snatched her arm.

"It can wait." he said. "Zelda, I don't want you to be angry with me. What did I do wrong? Was it Aaron?" She failed to respond. "Zelda! I know what I did was dumb–but man was it sweet! If I didn't pull off something crazy like that, Poopsalot would've won, and you would've had to kiss him! Did you want that? ...Is that it? You wanted to kiss him over me?"

"Link, shut up! You sound like a babbling twit!"

"What! Why are you suddenly acting so mean towards me? Last night you were ready to–"

"I've already said everything I wanted to say."

He rolled his eyes, exasperated. _...Great, back to square one!_... "Did I really piss you off that much? If I did, I'm sorry! Let me try and make it up to you." He went to hold her again, but she held up her hands in protest.

"No! Too late for that!"

"Fine, I'll go and be with people who actually care for me." Link stalked off and returned to the range. There, he saw people preparing a feast celebrating his victory. Still on the ground was Aaron. No one seemed to care about him either.

"I'm sorry, dude..." Link maundered. "I hope you're not dead or something."

"Well, if it isn't our winner."

The Hero of Time whirled around to see Poopsalot standing there. "Oh...you."

"Did you get your kiss?"

"No." Link faced the opposite direction, not wanting the knight to see the disappointment evident on his face. Everyone all at once now: Awwww!

"Hmm, she was saving the kiss for her one true love..."

"Obviously it mustn't be either one of us, because she hasn't kissed you either."

"Give her time!"

"I've given her ten years!" _...Ten years and counting!..._

"That doesn't surprise me. Look at you! You're nothing but a lowly peasant. You're not nobility, like I. I honestly don't know what this 'Hero of Time' business is all about. Anyone could've done the labors you've done. So what if your birth was prophesied and you're the holder of the Triforce of Courage and you saved Hyrule and Zelda's life so many times you can shake a stick at it? I could have done all that mumbo jumbo too!"

"What would you know about battle? You've been locked in a dungeon for ten years."

"I know more than you think."

"As do I." Link faced him again. "You know what I know? I know you're an uptight asshole who needs a serious reality check in the form of a sledgehammer to the side of your head. I also know that my foot and your ass need to meet. You want to know what other powers of perception I have? I know that you'll never get Zelda...not over my dead, rotting corpse! I will get her some day, and when I do, I'll bend over so you can place a kiss on my round, muscular, prophesied, heroic ass, since you seem to enjoy kissing it so much. And now I'm through!" With that he left the rang. What an exit! Was that lunch bells I heard? Oh, someone just got served!

"But..." Poopsalot was left in Link's wake in sheer amazement. "I was going to ask if you'd like some apple strudel with me. How mean!"

Link wandered into Hyrule Castle Town, contemplating on what he was going to do next. _...Hmm, let's see. Zelda doesn't want anything to do with me right now, so I guess the option of having wild, hot sex with her is shot straight to hell. How about drowning my sorrows in cheap beer and flirting with prostitutes? Oh, what a splendid idea! Come on, Link! Let's do what we do best–act like the gigantic loser that we are! La de fucking da!..._

He skipped off and ventured into the nearest tavern, where he drank copiously. Having no other purpose at the time being, he remained in the tavern all day. He met many new and interesting people. Through a drunken stupor, he ended up telling some quadriplegic his whole life story while he flirted with a mustached "woman" named BoBo. After having too much Coors Light, he passed out on the bar counter. Three hours later, the bartender poked at him with a sharp object, arousing him from his alcohol-induced coma. Sticking to his forehead was a piece of paper. Puzzled, he removed it and managed to make out the words. It was a flyer for some event in Kokiri Forest.

"Hey hero," the bartender smirked. "You had a rough day. Think you should go home?"

"Er...home." Link looked at the flyer again. "...Haven't been home in a long time."

"Pardon?"

"I think it's time for me to take a vacation."

"Sounds like a plan."

"You know, to get away from it all. I can't catch a break, man."

"So I've heard. BoBo told me all about it." He nodded at an ugly drag queen sitting a few tables away. She waved at the two. Link, grimacing, returned the gesture. "Vacation sounds like a good idea though."

"Time to go where people appreciate me! I need a break from Hyrule Castle and all the people there." He folded up the flyer and placed it in a pocket on his tunic. "Tomorrow, I'm going back to Kokiri Forest for a short visit. No Poopsalot. No king. ...No Zelda."

At that moment, somewhere in the forest, a certain green-haired Kokiri girl shot up out of a deep sleep. Could it be? She smiled an insane smile, folding her tiny hands together with joy. Her love was coming back to her. And you thought Malon was a goddamn psycho, dear readers? You haven't seen anything yet.

Well was it well worth the wait, readers? I had no intentions of making this chapter so massive, but it just kept growing and growing like an infection! Just think of it as my gift to you for waiting for goddamn long.I could find no proper place to end it, so I just let it take its course. It sucks that it took me four months to complete it, but the months of April and May were insane for me. Between finishing up the spring semester, relationship issues and a slight bought with carpel tunnel syndrome, I couldn't find time to write! Now that summer's here, I promise the next chapter will be swiftly delivered to you. It involves psychotic Kokiri and a chase sequence reminiscent of the garden maze scene from 'The Shining'. As always, keep reading and reviewing, bitches! Hugs and kisses to all. Go to my website!


	14. Sweet, Sweet Saria

Chapter Fourteen: Sweet, Sweet Saria

"Link is such a buffoon!" Princess Zelda ranted to her nursemaid Impa. "What kind of idiot goes and pulls something like that?"

"He was just trying to top Poopsalot's stunt. Besides, I think he did it more to impress you." Impa answered. The two ladies were chatting in the kitchen at Hyrule Castle on the evening of the infamous archery contest.

"Aaron still hasn't woken up yet. I think Link scared him half to death!"

"He'll be fine, Zelda. I'm actually more concerned about Link."

"Why?"

"You know how he gets..."

"Oh, you mean that he's probably piss drunk somewhere and making out with his reflection in the mirror?"

"You took the words right out my mouth!" the nursemaid chuckled as she cleaned off the kitchen counter. "Perhaps you should say something to him? I think you hurt his feelings."

"What else is new?"

"Zelda." Impa's tone was assertive. Apparently she wasn't the only one tired of waiting for Link and Zelda to hook up. "Please speak to him in the morning."

"You actually think I was too hard on him? I only called him a babbling twit. I've called him worse in the past." Zelda looked up at the old woman, who frowned at her. "Fine! I'll say something to the dork."

"Still, you have to admit, you are glad he won the contest. Did you really want to kiss Poopsalot?"

"Of course not!" Just the thought was revolting to Zelda. "I said that because...because..."

"Because you wanted to kiss Li–"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!"

"Zelda, stop being silly! You wanted to kiss Link!"

The princess began to panic. She reacted in the only way she knew how. "Impa, you're fired!" she stupidly snapped. _...Don't go saying shit like that so loudly, Impa! Then everyone will know about how badly I want to bite into that delicious goon! Mmm...makes me wish I did kiss him earlier. Why are my hormones going apeshit on me all of a sudden? Is it that time of the month?..._

"You can't fire me!" Impa retorted, shaking her head. "Zelda, I think the events of today are getting to you. Why don't you go and get ready for bed?"

"But it's only eight o'clock..." Zelda cocked her head to the side, confused. (Insert joke here)

"I said go!"

"Eep!" The Hylian princess scooted out of her seat and made a mad dash for the kitchen door. She hated getting Impa mad. Sometimes, that crazy old bitch would chase her around the castle with a wooden spoon, threatening to spank her upon her royal bottom if she misbehaved. "Impa's so scary."

Along the way to her tower, she walked by Link's room. His door was opened a bit, but alas, he was not home. Remember, dear readers, that by this point he is passed out on a barstool somewhere.

_...Yup, he's definitely making out with his reflection right about now...or humping the nearest tree in a drunken stupor... _The mental image caused her to wrinkle her dainty nose, but then a lovely thought came to her. ..._Ohh...I could've been that tree if–Zelda stop! Don't even think it! But I do want to think it! No–No I don't! I don't want to hump Link! Jesus Christ, yes I do! AACCKKK!..._

She pulled at her own hair in confusion and cried, "Great Din, I need help!" Then rather dramatically, for added effect, she ran up the tower steps as fast as she could back to the safety of her room. Too much thinking had gone to her head, apparently.

"Damn straight you need help!" Navi the faerie called in agreement from inside Link's darkened quarters.

Up in her solitary tower, Zelda slammed shut the door and took a seat on her bed. Everything was reminding her of Link. The green houseplant next to the window. The milk and cookies Impa had left her on the dresser. Even the "present" Octy left in the corner made her envision her favorite elf.

"Eek, I gotta stop this shit! I'm becoming just as pathetic as he is! There I go again, thinking of him! Must clear my head!" So she sat there, doing absolutely nothing. It got boring fast. There was no one to talk to. She couldn't dare speak to her father about such matters. Sir Poopsalot was probably too busy giving himself an enema. Navi? Ha! That roach would sooner see her dead than help her! While twiddling her thumbs, an idea entered Zelda's hollow shell of a cranium. "I know who I can consult about this!"

Hastily she hopped off the bed and got onto her knees.

_...Ohhh, Zelda, you knew you'd think of Link while in this position–shut up!..._

"Must make the voices stop! Must make the voices stop!" she casually sang to herself while pulling out a big dusty cardboard box from under the bed. "I knew I put it here! Ah-ha!"

Picking it up, she sat back down in her former spot and rested the box next to her. Carefully, she opened it up, avoiding the many layers of dust and grime. It made her cough. She wiped her nose gently with her fingers.

"Ew! I thought our servants were supposed to clean! What the hell do we pay them for?" Upon peering inside the box, she smiled triumphantly. She reached in and produced the Triforce of Wisdom. Nice place to keep a sacred relic, huh? At least she remembered where she placed her underwear each morning! Then again, Link wouldn't mind if she didn't. Half the time he forgot to wear his own anyway.

"Hello!" Zelda called, shaking the heavy blue object around like a pair of maracas. "Does this thing need batteries?" She curiously turned it upside-down to look. At the sound of her voice, the pyramid emitted a shimmering cerulean glow. "Oh! You're awake! I need your help!"

"Yes, your Highness?" the Triforce questioned in a stern, feminine tone. Remember how in the cartoons the damn thing talked? Well I liked that idea, so I decided to keep it for this story. Gotta give respect to the 1980's.

"Can we have girl talk?"

"...Certainly." _...The bimbo woke me up for THIS!..._

"Well, you know Link, right?" The princess spoke quickly, almost as if she was afraid someone else was listening.

"How could I not? He is the Hero of Time. The warrior of legend. The–"

"Yeah yeah, the dork."

"What about him?"

"I...I think I've got a crush on him." Zelda suddenly went timid, and she spoke to the Triforce as if she were a child. It sure as hell matched her IQ, that's for damn sure.

"Naturally. You are the Princess of Destiny."

"Right. Does that mean that the Hero of Time and the Princess of Destiny are supposed to get together and live happily ever after? I don't remember what the prophecies say. I should've stayed awake in class."

"I don't know. You tell me that."

"What!" Zelda was taken back. "Aren't you supposed to know the future!"

"What do I look like? A giant blue fortune cookie?"

"Goddamit, I know you know!"

"Princess Zelda, I mean no disrespect, but I cannot tell you the answer to what you seek. Only you can determine that for yourself."

"But...But...you're the Triforce of Wisdom." the princess whined, crossly placing the relic down on her night-stand.

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel? That's the simplest way to go, don't you think?"

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right. I'm the Triforce of Wisdom. I'm always right."

"And you know the answer too, don't you?"

"Yup."

"And nothing I can do will make you tell me?"

"Nope."

"You suck!" Zelda turned away and rested her head down on a pillow. "If you had batteries, I would've ripped them out!"

"You need a nap. You're cranky."

No response.

"By the way Zelda, where are my other two counterparts?"

"Link's got the Triforce of Courage." she muttered, closing her eyes. "I don't know what he did with it. I think he uses it as a door stop." The Triforce's nap idea was the only sensible thing the princess agreed with.

"And where is Power?"

This inquiry made Zelda reopen her eyes and tighten her lips. "...Around."

You can say that the Triforce of Power wasn't missing, but had been...temporarily misplaced. Yeah, that's the ticket...temporarily misplaced. Little did anyone know that in the Royal Stables, under a pile of hay next to Epona, was the Triforce of Power. It lay helpless, screaming for assistance, "HHHEEELLLPPP! DAMN YOU ASSHOLES! AT LEAST GANON TREATED ME WELL! HELP!"

It was not long after that when Link made his return to Hyrule Castle, drunk as a skunk and high as a cloud. Miraculously, he managed to stumble to his room without falling down the stairs. He entered and kicked shut the door.

"Ah! Gotta love this dump!"

"There you are, Link!" Navi emerged from her hiding spot and lit a few candles. "I've been worried sick about you!"

"Well isn't that sweet of you? Did you think that I would get hit by a wagon or impale myself with my own sword in all my intoxicated glory?"

"No, I just figured you were out humping a tree."

"Not funny."

"I'm only kidding, Link! I'm glad to see you're back safe and sound."

"But I'm royally pissed off!"

"Hmm, let me guess." the faerie dryly said. "It has to do with Zelda, right?"

"It has everything to do with Zelda! It's always Zelda! I can't stop thinking of Zelda! Today I won the archery contest for the seventh straight year in a row and would've been rewarded with a kiss from Zelda if only I didn't fuck up in my usual manner! That shot I made off Aaron's head was amazing! Still, I can never win! I need to take a vacation from this shithole!"

"Goddamn, chill out! Why don't you just go on one then?"

"I am! Tomorrow I'm leaving for a few days. Haven't told anyone yet."

"Oh?" He had sparked her interest. "Where are you going? Disney World?"

"Fuck you, Navi. No! I'm going to Kokiri Forest–"

"Kokiri Forest! Why are you going back there! Don't you remember what they tried to do to you the last time you were there? They're all addicted to porn!"

"Who the hell are you to dictate what I do and don't do!" Link roared. He was clearly not himself and in an extremely agitated state. He was drunk and very randy. Still, despite the fact that he wanted to take a vacation from Hyrule Castle, he didn't want to stop being around Zelda.

"Calm down!"

"Why should I calm down! I deserve what's due to me, goddamit!"

"What the hell are you even talking about!" Navi shot back. "Zelda is making you go all crazy wacky on me! Well, her and the two six packs of beer you probably downed while at the tavern."

"I-I'm going to go all crazy wacky if I can't have her!"

"You better lower your voice, otherwise she may hear you!"

"Good! I hope she does! I hope she hears about how badly I want to throw her down on my bed and-"

"Ack! Don't complete that sentence! Just the thought makes my skin crawl!" She flew up to his face and patted him on the nose. "How about I get you a nice tall refreshing glass of water?" she asked in an attempt to quell the beast within him.

"How about I get you a nice tall refreshing glass of shut the fuck up!"

"Screw you, Link! I try to help and this is the thanks I get!" The faerie angrily zipped passed Link's head and out of the room. He was all alone...or at least he thought.

"Now that wasn't very nice." a male voice came from out of nowhere. It made Link stagger, surprised.

"Who's there?"

"You should know who I am, Hero of Time." The mysterious, unseen visitor mocked.

"Huh?" Link started to drunkenly search his room, but couldn't find the source of the voice. "Where are you?"

"Keep lookin'. You're bound to find me."

"Jesus Christ..." The hero proceeded to look in all the hiding spots he could think of.

"Nope, you're cold. Cold, cold." Link's guest taunted as he looked under his bed. When he moved towards the closet, the voice interjected again, "Warmer! Gettin' there, hero!"

"When I find you I'm gonna–"

"Hot! You're hot now! Very hot!"

Link gazed at his closet in silence. _...Umm, this is kinda odd. If I were sober, I'd probably know better. It's not every day that a weird voice comes from out of nowhere and makes me play hide-and-seek with it. Better not be Ganon again! Ohh...maybe it's Zelda playing a joke on me. But why would she sound like a man? At this point, I don't care! I'll shag her anyway!..._

"Quit daydreaming, jerk!" It was the voice. "Open the goddam closet already!"

"Fine!" The Hero of Time swung open the door to be greeted by nothing. "Where the hell are you!"

"Get up on those tipi-toes and look, bitch!"

Link growled something incoherent under his breath and obeyed. On the top shelf he found a large box littered with giant dust bunnies.

"Shit! I knew it was _you!_" He snatched the box and sat with it on the floor. "I thought your batteries died for good!"

Upon pulling the Triforce of Courage out of its cardboard prison, the pyramid glowed a radiant shade of emerald.

"It's about damn time you took me out of there, hero." it quipped. Link's destined piece of the Triforce was quite a smart ass, and out of frustration, he had hid it away somewhere hoping that he'd forget all about it. Well, you know how the ancient Hylian legends go, don't you dear readers? Well, you should, since many of you think you hold Ph.D.'s in this crap. Anyway, the Triforce is the essence of the three goddesses that created Hyrule a looooooong time ago. It was split into three parts after some klutz dropped it. The pieces then went to their destined owners and blah blah blah must I even explain?

"Er, I need your help." Link addressed his new toy. "You're a relic or something. You gotta help me out."

"And what makes you think I'll help you?"

"Because I'm your owner! I'm the Hero of Time, goddamit! Doesn't that mean anything anymore!"

"No, it's getting old. You need a new title. How about...the Loser of Time and Space?"

"I can't get a fucking break around here! Even my own Triforce hates me!"

"Ack, stop whining! Okay, I'll help. What do you need?"

"Look, do you know if Zelda and I are destined to be together? This question has been eating away at me for almost ten years and it's beginning to mess with my sanity."

"_Beginning?_" the object chuckled. "You just need to get laid, that's all."

"Well that's what I'm asking you about! Am I gonna get Zelda or what?"

"First you must answer me this before I can reveal your future..."

"Answer what?"

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" the Triforce questioned very matter-of-factly.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Fine, you don't like that one? Ugh, you're not that smart. Here's an easier one...if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?" Courage was having a whole lotta fun messing with Link. Payback's a bitch.

"Cut the crap, you oversized dust collector!" our hero wailed, shaking the sacred pyramid around. "Stop it! Answer my goddam question!"

"Aight, here's another one, Einstein. What can you put into a barrel to make it lighter?"

"Now I remember why I put you in the closet in the first place!"

"Last chance, jackass! What is black and white and read all over?"

Link, frustrated (sexually too) as all hell, held the Triforce high above his head. "I'm gonna slam you against the wall and smash you into a zillion pieces if you don't just answer my fucking question!"

"Jesus Christ, don't do that! Fine, I'll answer your inquiry. I was just trying to have some fun with you, that's all."

"Okay then," Link placed the object on the floor between his legs. "Now, are Zelda and I destined to be together? Yes or no?"

"Beats the hell out of me."

"Beats the hell out of!–" the Hero of Time repeated, exasperated. "You put me through all that just to hear you tell me you have no idea!"

"Hehe, it was fun!"

"You little bastard! 'All knowing' my heroic ass!" Without much thinking, Link threw the Triforce back into its box. The poor thing screamed as he did it. He looked down and saw that it now ceased to shimmer. Feeling bad, he picked it back up and rested it on his table. "No sense in arguing with you. I've got to get to bed. I've got a hangover and got to get up early tomorrow." He blew out the candles illuminating the room and crawled into bed, throwing the blankets over his head. The Triforce of Courage playfully began to cast off a dim light. "All that thing's good for is a damn nightlight..." Link mumbled before sleep overcame him.

Morning arrived sooner than the Hero of Time expected. Before he knew it, Navi was jumping up and down on his chest, shouting for him to wake up.

"Link! It's almost noon! When are we going to leave for our vacation?"

"Navi," he grumbled, wakening from his deep slumber. "You just awoke me from a very nice dream."

"Aw jeez, we don't have time to clean the sheets after another one of your wet dreams now! We've got to head out!"

_...Heh, too late, Navi!... _"Let me just take a quick bath before leaving."

"Then I'll go pack while you're doing that."

"Who said anything about you coming?"

"What?" She raised an eyebrow. "You mean you don't want me going with you?"

"Got that right." Link sat up and stretched. "I need a break from _everyone_, and that includes you." He glared at the faerie.

"Okay, fine. I understand. I'll go slit my wrists now–oh, wait! I sound like you! Ha! Ha!"

"Haha–go to hell." Link scowled. "Now, leave me alone to bathe. All I need is a pint-sized perv looking over my shoulder while I do that."

Once he had chased Navi away, Link settled down for a relaxing bath. Washing away all the grossness that accompanies a night of heavy drinking and naughty dreams, he couldn't help but think of Zelda. He'd sure miss her over the next few days...but he owed it to himself to take a break.

_...Great Nayru, if I don't get out of here, I'll burst! Er, not that I haven't already done that in my tights, but...but...why the hell am I justifying my absence to myself! I really am going insane! Ack!... _

He jumped out of the bathtub/basin thingie in a state of shock and dressed as fast as he could before Navi barged back in. A few moments later he regained his senses and packed a small traveling bag with supplies; you know, just the usual shit people pack: food, an extra tunic, and a few spare arrows for any crazy Kokiris who tried to gangbang him. Of course he was going to bring the Master Sword and shield. If the Lon Lon Ranch incident had taught him anything, it was to always go out armed in Hyrule when there were horny, demented chicks after your bones. The only Hylian woman allowed to ravage him was Zelda. Yes...

Navi had returned just in time to see him off.

"Aw Link, I'm going to miss you." she pouted, folding her hands as she stared up at him from his night-stand.

"I'll only be gone for two or three days. I'm sure Hyrule won't fall into chaos during that short time."

"...Don't bet on it."

"Heh, you're right. Well, if anything happens, you know where to find me."

"Let me at least see you to Epona!" She flew up to his shoulder and took a seat.

"I'm outta here!"

Link bolted out the door, only to slam hard into someone standing in his way.

"Zelda!" Link cried, reaching out to steady her. "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay," She forced a smile. Besides, she loved the feeling she got when his body came into close contact with hers. Plus, he smelled delicious. He smelled like man, baby. "I was just about to knock on your door. I...I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday. I was a total bitch to you. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." He gently explained. _...Holy crap, she's apologizing! When was the last time she did that! Is she possessed? Is she a pod person?... _In those three seconds that they were together standing there in the hallway, Link had a total change of heart. "I was the one who acted irresponsibly."

"At least we've got that settled." She nervously laughed. He did the same. "So, where are you heading off to in such a hurry?"

She had caught him there. "Er, I'm heading out for a few days."

"Where?" Zelda sounded alarmed. _...No, don't leave me, husky Hylian hunk! Who will kill the bugs I find in my bathroom! Who will I undress with my eyes!..._

"I'm off to visit some old friends in Kokiri Forest." _...Link, don't you dare think it! Don't do what you're thinking of doing! You promised yourself some alone time! Don't do it!... _

"Oh." She looked down at the floor beneath their feet and sighed. He stood motionless, waiting for her next move. "Have a good time then." Zelda sweetly gazed up at him. Our hero couldn't resist the beautiful blue pools that were her eyes. It was game over for Link. He was fresh out of heart containers and left without a faerie in a bottle.

"Would you like to come along?" he found himself asking. _...I can't resist her! Link, you lovesick fool..._

Zelda thought the same. _...Heh, I've got your balls on a leash, boy... _She instantly accepted his offer. "Sure, I'd be delighted to visit your old home! Just let me go and gather a few things."

"Huh!" Navi barked, flying into Link's line of vision. "I can't come, but _sh_e can!"

He flicked her out of the way like he would a fly. "Meet me in the stables in five minutes, okay Zelda?"

"No problem!" She left to get her junk. The faerie zipped over to Link's face a second time.

"Oh, is this the part where you two kiss and make up? Pardon, minus the kiss part." she snorted, folding her arms.

"I know. I'm a sucker." With that, he ignored Navi and darted off. Angrily, his insect companion buzzed after him.

"Link! Can't I come?" she pleaded in vain. "Please?"

"No! It's just going to be me, Zelda and the Kokiri."

"You suck!"

"Hopefully it'll be Zelda doing the sucking..." he grinned to himself. _...Who the hell am I kidding? I should be grateful she's talking to me again and wants to be around me. Sigh...at least I've got my fantasies..._

"Blech! Go have fun at Kokiri Forest! I hope one of them tries to ram you up the ass with a tree branch!" Navi hissed as she flew away. Link had no time to snap back at her. Instead, he headed over to the stables, where Zelda was to meet up with him. He readied Epona and waited for his lady-friend.

_...More time alone with Zelda! She seems to be in a good mood too! Oh Link, you may score in your tree house! All right!..._

"Ready to go?" Zelda interrupted the hero's thoughts with another tender smile. Link was practically ready to bust a load just at the sight of her. She had changed into a simple light pink dress. He made a mental note about how it wasn't as low cut as her recent outfits, but that the fabric was thin. He prayed to Din that there would be a sudden temperature drop that evening in the forest.

"Yup, let's go!" Link mounted Epona, then helped Zelda get on. As soon as she was seated, her arms were around his waist and her head rested upon his back.

"I missed that." she giggled.

_...Who's your Daddy, Zelda?..._

And off they went on their merry little way to Kokiri Forest. To kill time, Link explained to Zelda about how he had once lived with the jolly forest dwellers until he was around ten years old. It was at that time when they tried to force him into their secret XXX child pornography ring. The Kokiri were connoisseurs of porn, you could say. How else were they supposed to make their money? Shortly after their proposal, Link bailed the hell out of there, and on that fateful day, ran into Impa. The rest was history.

"But Link," Zelda began, puzzled. "Why are you going back if they tried to force you to do something horrible like that?"

"Actually I'm really returning to visit one person." he casually replied.

"Oh?" Her voice hinted a sense of curiosity.

"Yeah. Her name's Saria." _...Time to get Zelda jealous! I love getting her jealous! That's right. Get jealous over nothing, Princess. It wouldn't hurt if you ran your hands up my tunic either..._

Zelda's mind started to race. It raced as fast as it could. Try to imagine a tortoise crossing a finish line here, people. That's about the speed her mind raced at. Can't you smell the wood burning through your computers? Actually, if you smelled anything coming from your computers, I'd advise running away as quickly as you could!

_...Saria! Shit, I remember her! The little green-haired midget girl! Did I piss Link off so much yesterday that he's fleeing into the arms of another woman-er, sorta kinda? Oh God, no! Wait a minute. If he was doing that, then why did he invite me along? To make me jealous? I'm not jealous! Or maybe he wants us both? Well, the schmuck can't have us both! Only me! Dammit, I'm the leader of the Seven Sages! Not her! I'll have to serve this Saria character just as I had served Ruto! OUCH! Silly blonde, too much thinking!..._

"Saria, huh?" Zelda questioned. Link could sense the bitterness in her tone. He relished it.

"Yeah, an old friend. An old _good_ friend."

"Good friend?" Her fingertips dug deep into Link's waistline.

"Yup."Link smirked. Unfortunately, the princess couldn't see the sly smile across Link's face. It only got her more mad.

"I didn't know you were that close. When was the last time you even saw her?"

"A few weeks ago...you remember–when I saved the world?"

"But you do that every week."

"True." He then added insult to injury, "I wish she were Hylian..."

Zelda's suspicions went through the roof. _...What the fuck is that supposed to mean! Link, you're a pig! Ohh...I wish you had a curly tail. I'd pull it and pull it and pull it and–what in God's name am I thinking about now?..._

She picked up her head. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Why would it concern you anyways?" He cooly stated. _...Brace yourself for a nice, swift kick to the balls later, Link!..._

"Figures you'd have a crush on a Kokiri." Zelda brushed aside his comment and rested her head back down.

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"I guess you like your women short."

"Heh," he laughed between clenched teeth. _...Yeah, I like my woman short. Only if she's on her knees in front of me and her name is Zelda..._

The rest of the trip went on in silence. Zelda couldn't tell if she was now mad at Link or if she wanted to fondle him worse than ever. Link was now fearing her retribution later in the form of a foot up his ass. About ten minutes later they arrived at the entrance to Kokiri Forest.

"Here we are." he announced, turning his head sideways. "It's not as spiffy as Hyrule Castle, but it was home for a great deal of my life."

Zelda surveyed the leaves and thick branches that covered the entranceway and frowned. "It's lovely."

Without a word, Link dismounted Epona and walked toward the circular opening. The princess was surprised that he didn't help her off, which he usually always did. She pouted her lips, then got off and joined him.

"I'm starving!" Link rubbed his tummy. "Let's eat!" He began to walk inside without even waiting for Zelda.

"Hey, wait for me!" she called as she hurried after him. They walked over a small bridge before entering a large clearing. Zelda could see little houses, complete with little shops, little tools, little farms, and not to mention, little people.

"Oh, Link! This is so cute!" She clapped her hands together. "It's like a mini version of Hyrule Castle Town!

"Isn't it? Who would've thought that these little guys were porno freaks?"

As they were speaking, one by one, the Kokiri took notice of the two Hylians standing in their midst. When Link and Zelda turned away from each other, they found themselves surrounded by a crowd of curious midgets. It was quite frightening actually.

"Why hello!" the Hero of Time cheerfully greeted. "Remember me?"

"Link, is that you?" a Kokiri girl asked, walking closer to him.

"The one and only!"

"Link!" A whole army of Kokiri encircled the pair and eyed them quizzically. It wasn't every day they saw a Hylian man, but now a strange Hylian woman? It was almost like the Second Coming in Kokiri Forest. The forest folk all shouted things at Link.

"We missed you!"

"Boy, you've grown!"

"How was your last adventure?"

"Who is she?"

The last question triggered everyone to shut up. Zelda nervously swallowed hard and folded her hands. Link faced the princess and smiled.

"That's Princess Zelda!"

"Woah! _The_ Princess Zelda!" a girl exclaimed, her eyes bugging out.

"That's me." the princess timidly answered. She wasn't sure how to respond to a bunch of Kokiri gawking at her. Link staring at her chest was bad enough. They buzzed amongst themselves again.

"You're so pretty!" the same girl said, admiring the Hylian woman.

"Thank you." Zelda felt her face grow hot. _...Aw, they all seem so nice and innocent! I don't believe the rumors I've heard about them!..._

"Heh, isn't she?" Link butted in. He noticed her blush at his comment.

"Link," the little girl cutely asked, pointing to Zelda. "Are you tapping that ass?"

At her words, the Hylians almost choked on their own spit.

"E-Excuse me?" The Hero of Time couldn't believe his ears.

"You heard me Link! You gotta be hittin' it!" The girl's doe-eyes twinkled.

Zelda faced Link, embarrassed as all hell. He did his best to respond without offending his princess. Boy, did he fuck up.

"Er, I wish-"

"What!" She stepped on his foot hard with her dainty high-heeled shoe. The damn thing almost went through Link's boot. It really hurt!

"Ouch! I mean, no!" He shook his head. "Of course not!"

"Aw, come on, Link." A Kokiri boy went up to the curious girl and stood behind her. He spoke in such a soft, childish manner that it made it even worse when he proceeded to pretend that he was humping the girl from the back. "I think you're lying."

Link and Zelda were so horrified that they couldn't even watch. They turned away and shielded their eyes.

"You mean you're really not bangin' that ass, Link?" The girl made slapping motions against the side of her thigh. The boy in back of her didn't phase her at all. "No, Link? How disappointing."

"Christ, we don't need visual aids!" Link screamed as he attempted to look back at them. "Please stop!" _...Ack! I knew I had a good reason for leaving this place!..._

The couple separated and once again stood innocently amongst the other Kokiri. They had temporarily regained their innocense.

"Ok! So what brings you here today?"

Once Link had retrieved his composure he spoke, "We're just visiting."

"Nice. I suppose it's good news for Saria then since you and the princess aren't shagging each other."

Zelda bit her lower lip, but remained silent, mortified beyond the point of no return.

"Er, I guess so." The hero brushed off the girl's quip fast, out of fear that she'd say something else that would revolt Zelda. Gosh, he hoped that the thought of having sex with him didn't revolt her. The thought of having sex with himself was pretty enticing. "Where is Saria, anyway?"

"She's not home." a Kokiri boy said. "She's at the Forest Temple."

_...Ughh...I hate that place. The only temple I hate more is the Water Temple_. _I FUCKING HATE THE WATER TEMPLE!... _Link thought with a grimace.

"She is? Well we'll go visit her later." Link tapped Zelda on the arm. "Want to see my old house?"

"Okay, sure." Anything was better than hanging out with the perverted Kokiri.

"Link, when you get done showing the princess around, we're going to have a feast, just for you two!" a Kokiri representative cheered. "We'll have it in the meeting house. Stop by later today, okay?"

"Sweet!" The Hylian hero linked (haha! I still can't get over that pun. I know. I'm a dork) arms with Zelda and lead her towards his former tree house home. It only helped fuel the Kokiri's suspicions about the duo. "See you guys later!"

After Link and Zelda had walked off, the forest midgets eagerly conversed with each other.

"Link's not telling us the truth. He is soooo doing her."

"Really? You think so?"

"For all he does for her and her kingdom? They've got to be, otherwise he's a goddamn moron!"

The alleged goddamn moron and his princess reached a huge tree at the far corner of Kokiri Forest and stared up at it. Zelda took notice of the ladder leading up to a small house built within the tree's branches. She didn't even need to guess what Link was thinking about her in her dress. He made it obvious.

"Ladies first," he smirked, politely bowing for her to pass him.

"In your dreams, you goon!"

"Fine, at least I tried." With a shrug, he ascended the ladder. Zelda followed him, making sure that no sick forest folk were standing below, eager to get a glimpse of her Strawberry Shortcake underwear.

"Everything is just as I left it, Princess!" Link stepped into the tree house's single room and surveyed his old haunt. "There's my old Transformers poster! Oh, and there's an old glass of milk!" He picked it up and was instantly repelled by its odor. "Yuck, it's curdled and green now, but...look!" Placing it back down, he scooted over to his tiny bed. "My old bed!"

Zelda watched as her hero walked down memory lane. His behavior amused her. She just wanted to bite him!

"Very nice, Link. Seems comfy." She smiled at him. "Of course you're too big for that bed now."

"When I was ten, it was perfect. Come and sit with me, Zelda." He patted the empty space next to him. She sighed, then took a seat beside him. "What do you think about the forest so far–minus the humping Kokiri?"

"It's peaceful. I guess when they're not busy making pornos, the Kokiri can be quiet little forest folk."

Link laughed at her comment, taking the opportunity to snake his arm around her. She didn't seem to mind, and even rested her head against his shoulder. The Hero of Time exhaled a long breath.

"Hey, Zelda?"

"What?"

"How about you and I share a nice dinner alone together up here?"

"Wouldn't that upset your Munchkin friends? They think we're here to see them."

"Actually I came here to relax and not be bothered." He bravely twined his fingers around a lock of Zelda's hair. She closed her eyes as his motion caused tingles to go from her scalp down to her spine. People with long hair know what I'm talking about. I freaking love that feeling. "But I certainly don't mind sharing some R&R with you."

The princess was practically purring. She was down with the dinner idea. As a matter of fact, she wouldn't mind skipping the dinner idea entirely and just getting randy with him.

"Are you going to cook?" she asked, still lost in her tingles.

"Er, no. I'm sure I've got some Chinese food menus lying around here somewhere."

"Niiiiiice."

_...Yes! Tonight, this tree house is gonna be a-rockin'! But I don't want to arouse suspicion now among those Kokiri. If we stay up here much longer, they may try to videotape us or something. Maybe we should go see Saria... _

"Want to go visit the Forest Temple?"

Zelda's head shot up as she awoke from her trance. "Er, sure, if you want."

"Saria's a sweet Kokri." Link said. "She's nothing like these other horny midgets." Dear readers, do I even have to explain the irony of that statement?

As Link and Zelda were getting off on each other, a certain green-haired female Kokiri was praying at her makeshift shrine in the Forest Temple. An altar had been set up, complete with candles and incense burning. It was dedicated to her favorite Hylian god–Link. Decorating the giant hall and surrounding area were photos of Hyrule's most famous son. There was Link in battle, Link walking around, Link eating, Link picking his feet. Her twisted photo album had everything: close-ups, panoramic shots, long distance ones. Accompanying the freaky pictures were old possessions of Link's. The Kokiri's collection consisted of some old discarded tunics, a broken boomerang, a ripped pair of boots, and even a blood-stained bandage from when Link got hurt during a Staflos battle. Saria was obsessed with the Hero of Time. She knelt in front of the altar, eyes clenched shut and her hands clasped in prayer. Someone cue the Norman Bates music!

"Dear Gods of Hyrule, please make Link be mine. Oh please, oh please, oh please! Let his strong arms caress my tiny, whimpering body. Let him be mine forever! I just want him to hold and hug...and to father my children. If I can't have him, _no one_ can! I will kill whoever stands in my way! Link will love me! Oh gods, if you hear me, give me a sign! A sign from my Link!"

"Saria!" Link always had the worst timing ever.

The imp immediately recognized the bearer of the voice and cast her gaze upwards. "Gods, thank you!" She turned around to see a tall figure making his way into the large chamber. "Link!" Saria screeched as she bolted from her spot. Onto his chest she jumped up like a cat, wrapping her arms around him. Her legs hugged his torso. The Hero of Time became nervous. His gut feeling grew even stronger when Saria dug her nails into his back.

_...Oh Jesus Christ, not again! Why are all the women after me psychotic! Er, it's not like Zelda's no exception. Damn, she must be livid right now!..._

"It's nice to see you again too, Saria." Link greeted.

Zelda was amazed...and extremely pissed. The Kokiri hadn't noticed her yet. The princess rested her hands on her hips and loudly cleared her throat. Saria peered past Link's shoulder and locked eyes with her now arch-nemesis.

"Hello, Princess Zelda." _...What the fuck is she doing here! Why did Link bring her! Her of all people! I hate her! I hate her! She's so pretty and the same species as Link!..._

"Hi," The Hylian woman forced the words to come out. "Long time no see, Saria."

Link could sense the tension in the temple. It was like he was reliving the Malon incident from the other day, but only this time, the thought of the two women making out revolted him. He loved the attention he got from the two, yet still couldn't shake a feeling of pedofelia as he held his Kokiri friend. He quickly went to put her down, but Saria's grip was too strong and refused to let him go. She remained in his arms.

"What brings you here, Link?" Saria asked, doing her best to hide her insane jealously. She avoided Zelda's gaze. _...Could it have been that voodoo love spell I placed on you last night that made you come here? Golly, I sure hope so!..._

"I decided to take a break from Hyrule Castle. Needed a short vacation."

"And is that why you brought _her_ along?"

"Link invited me, " Zelda butted in. "We wanted time alone."

Link raised an eyebrow at Zelda's words, but kept silent. He couldn't help grin to himself. _...If you see this tree house a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!..._

"How lovely!" The impish female dug her fingers even deeper into Link's shoulders as she spoke, causing him to wince. The princess noticed her hero's reaction and gasped slightly.

_...Oh my God, the Munchkin's nuts!..._

Meanwhile, Link had been scanning the chamber and caught sight of Saria's stalker-like collection of Hero of Time paraphanalia. He couldn't believe what he saw! _...Is that what I think it is? Holy Jesus, she's got a shrine dedicated to me! This looks like a twelve year old girl's room! How the hell did she get photos of me pissing in a bush! She's a goddamn voyeur! Ack!..._

He was so shocked and appalled at the sight that he instantly dropped Saria to the ground.

"Ouch!" she yelped in pain. "Why'd you do that for?"

Zelda had to stifle in a laugh. Link searched hard for an excuse.

"Er, I'm sorry. You slipped."

The Kokiri found him suspicious, but disregarded it. Instead, she then clung to his leg and squeezed tightly. The hero attempted to subtly shake her off like you would do to a horny dog, but it didn't help. He tried to remain calm.

"So...Zelda and I are gonna go grab some grub that the other Kokiri have prepared for us. We'll catch you later!"

"Oh really? I'll come with you then!" Saria looked up at him with a sparkle in her eye. "Just let me...finish up what I was doing here, then I'll join you guys."

_...Shit!... _Link thought. "Um, okay."

"Hehe, then I guess I'll be seeing you later for lunch!"

"Yeah, I guess so. Umm, Saria?"

"Yes, my Link?"

"My leg."

"Oh!" She forced a laugh and hesitantly released him. "Sorry!"

Without another word, Link and Zelda turned around and began to power walk out of the temple as fast as they could. For some reason, the princess felt compelled to turn around and catch one last glimpse of the Kokiri. They locked eyes yet again, and Zelda swore that the imp twitched wildly as she kept her fists clenched at her sides. The bitch was seething!

"I like how you dropped her before." the princess said to Link. "That was great."

"You liked that, huh?" He turned his head to smirk at her. Surprising Zelda, he bent down and scooped her up into his arms. She giggled wildly. The sound echoed off the temple's walls, failing to escape a certain demented Kokiri's ears. "I'd never drop you though, Princess!"

Zelda happily rested her head on his shoulder and allowed Link to carry her all the way back outside. Saria, on the other hand, was flabbergasted. A pain in the back of her left eye made her twitch even more. If the sound of Zelda laughing wasn't enough to cause an instant aneurysm for Saria, I don't know what was. Once the pair left, the Kokiri placed herself in front of her altar and began to pray.

"Dear gods of Hyrule, please make Zelda get hit by lightening. Hell, if you won't do that, then just make the bitch die a slow, horrible, painful death!"

Link continued to carry Zelda out of the temple and into the Forest Meadow. He wanted to just gobble her up because she was so freaking cute!

"Where off to now, Princess?"

"I have no idea. This is your old home. You show me around."

_...Heh, I'd like to show you back to my bedroom and between my sheets. But I guess heading back to the village is the realistic choice..._

"Do you want to go back to see my Kokiri friends?"

"Do we have a choice?"

"I don't think so."

"Hmm...fine." Zelda looked the Hero of Time over. "You can put me down, Link."

"Oh, sorry! It's just that you're light as a feather, and I almost forgot that I was even holding you!" _...Smooth, Link. You're really kissing her behind now. Light as a feather? I think she's been packing in some extra cheese doodles lately, but goddam I still want to hit it!..._

He quickly put her down. "Let's head back before a Moblin comes out of nowhere and bites me in the ass!"

"Don't you mean before a 'Kokiri' bites you in the ass?" the princess grinned.

"That too. Let's go!"

The couple skipped back to Kokiri Village and headed for the meeting house. There, they found a feast grand enough to feed the entire country of Ethiopia, or some other third world region for that matter. A Kokiri boy greeted them and pointed to the dining table.

"Here! We made that just for you two!"

"Holy crap, you made all this food in under an hour?" Link asked, baffled. "You guys weren't too busy with your porn?"

"Nonsense! You've heard of the _Meals in Under Thirty Minutes_ cookbook, right? Well there ya go."

"Thanks. C'mon, Zelda! Let's eat!" Link grabbed a hold of the princess' hand and started to pull her over to the table, when a trio of Kokiri kids came from out of nowhere and blocked their path.

"Before you eat," one announced. "You must receive the proper Kokiri greeting!"

At their words, Link clenched his butt-cheeks tight. "...Go ahead."

The three boys produced lollipops from out of nowhere (trust me, you really don't want to know where they got them from), and proceeded to do a little up and down squatting motion. Not sure of what to say, Link and Zelda simply stared. Then they began to sing.

"Welcome Link and welcome Zelda! Welcome to magic Kokiri Land! We hope you enjoy our song and dance. We are the Kokiri Kids! The Kokiri Kids! The Kokiri Kids!"

The song continued for what seemed like another ten minutes. Princess Zelda could do nothing but smile stupidly. _...My God, when is this going to stop? They're like a CD skipping over and over! Someone, anyone, make them stop!..._

Quickly, she glanced over in Link's direction, and caught him donning the same big stupid smile she was. He was obviously thinking the same thing as her. Five minutes later, Link had had enough. He needed to shut them up before their scary song drove him off the edge of sanity.

"What a nice tune!" he lied, placing his hands on one of the singer's shoulders. "I can tell you guys wrote it all by yourselves. Now, how about we eat some grub?"

"Halt!" a mysterious voice called from the crowd of Kokiri. Out from the group walked a disgruntled looking gentleman. He appeared to be the tallest of his race–he reached all the way up to Link's belt buckle. To the Kokiri, he was a giant. With glaring eyes, the boy fixated his stare upon the Hylian man.

"What brings _you_ back here?"

"Ah, Mido. I see that you still run this place with an iron fist." Link smiled as the sarcasm dripped from his voice. _...Ugh, no one's stepped on this Munchkin yet?..._

"I remember you, you dork! To Hyrule, you may be the Hero of Time, but back here in Kokiri Forest, you're still a loser!"

"Well, this 'loser', in case you've forgotten, is the savior of Hyrule, and not to mention the personal bodyguard of its beautiful princess." The whole "personal bodyguard" thing was made up on the spot, but hell, he was like Zelda's guard, and not to mention babysitter. It's time to break out the baby powder and a clean diaper, because he was ready to powder her royal ass. He slid his arm around her waist and yanked her close to his side. She didn't seem to mind.

"Big deal! So you've saved the world and have a hot chick."

"Excuse me!" Zelda snapped at Mido. "I am Princess Zelda of Hyrule. I am not to be addressed as a 'hot chick.'"

"But Zelda, you are a hot chick." Link cutely butted in.

"Link!"

"Well excuse me, Princess!"

"Shut up, the both of you!" Mido barked, waving his little fists in the air. "Lady, I don't care if you were the goddess Din herself. I respect no one. I rule this here place and don't like outsiders coming in!"

"You little creep!" Before Zelda could have a royal temper tantrum, Link placed his fingers over her lips to silence her. Once she calmed down, he turned to Mido.

"Listen Mido, you may think you're hot shit, but you're really just wet diarrhea. You're in the presence of royalty, and well...I'm not one to toot my own horn, but the greatest hero in the universe. I suggest you shut your pint sized mouth before I shove my size eleven boots down your throat."

"Gee Link, modest much?" Zelda quipped. _...Ohhhh Nayru, I want to rip off his hot tunic right here and do him! Speak like that more often, you spineless man-child! Speak like that to me and spank me!..._

To say Mido was pissed would be an understatement. "How dare you march in here and–"

"Apparently you didn't hear me, treasure troll. The day you can talk to me like a man is the day you can stare into my eyes without the use of several phonebooks. And since that'll never happen, I suggest you back your ass up out of my way so the princess and I can eat. What do you got to say to that, boy?" Link didn't even bother waiting for Mido's response. He pushed passed the tin-pot dictator with Zelda and sat down at the table.

"Mido just got served!" a Kokiri girl squealed. "Awww snap!"

"Mmm, but who's gonna serve me? I'm hungry!" Link, still riding high from dissing Mido, banged his utensils against the wooden table. Zelda giggled.

_...I'd like to serve you, Link, while wearing a naughty French maid outfit. Oh lala! Viva la France!... _Author's note: That made absolutely no sense. Zich heil! Neither did that.

Mido shrank back into a dark corner somewhere and wet his tights. He couldn't believe that the same punk who used to ask him to play stickball all those years ago would serve him like that. My God, to be served is a crime against humanity. It's possibly the worst thing you could do to someone, aside from dissecting them while still alive. There was only one thing to do when one got served. Mido immediately headed to the nearest toilet.

"Now now, Link," Zelda whispered in the hero's ear. "Don't eat too much here. I thought we were going to have a nice private dinner together later."

"But there's so much good food here..." He stared at her. She blankly returned the gesture. _...She's right. Hell, I can starve for another hour or so. Maybe she'll let me lick my Chinese food off her dainty little–she's not amused... _"I'll just have some Cheetos then, okay Princess?"

"Fine. I don't know, I'm hungry too, but I don't trust anything these little freaks make."

Speaking of freaks, Psycho Saria entered the meeting hall and made a mad dash for Link's table. Zelda's mere presence pissed her off, but she knew to keep the peace if she wanted to remain close to her Hylian hunk.

"Hi, Link!" she greeted through gritted teeth. "Hi, Zelda."

Upon noticing her, Link sucked in a breath. _...Dammit! Now I've got to get rid of her too? If she follows me around, I'll never get time alone with Zelda up in my tree house!..._

Saria sat across from the pair and cast her eyes on the Hero of Time. It instantly creeped Link out beyond words. He nervously shifted around in his seat, unnoticeably pushing himself even closer to Zelda. The princess, wanting to avert Saria's gaze, stared at her empty plate.

_...Wow, they even have miniature plates with miniature utensils! I feel like I'm eavesdropping on an eight year old's birthday party or something. Still, it's so cute!..._

One Kokiri boy approached his green-haired comrade, taking a seat next to her.

"Hey, Saria."

"Oh, hi." She didn't dare remove her eyes off Link.

"So, what did you do at the Forest Temple today?"

"What I usually do. Pray to the goddesses and sacrifice a child to gain my true love's affection. You know, crazy voodoo shit."

_...I didn't just hear that..._ Link thought. _...I so didn't just hear that. I've got to get Zelda and I out of here ASAP!..._

Apparently Zelda was thinking the same thing. _...These Kokiri sure are strange. And not strange in a good way, but strange in a 'far out fucked up bizarre' sort of way. I think it's time we get out of here before I relive the Malon situation from the other day!..._

Link leaned his mouth close to Zelda's ear and spoke as quietly as he could. "At the count of three, we bail the hell out of here. Got me?"

"But what will we tell them?"

"...I don't know! Let's just get the hell out–" He paused when he felt something brushing up against his legs from under the table. Surprised, he looked up to notice that Saria was no longer sitting in her seat across from him. At least, he didn't think she was still sitting in her seat.

"Link, what's wrong?" Zelda asked, as she saw a look of disgust develop across her hero's face.

"Someone's playing footsie with me..." It was then that he noticed the green top of Saria's head emerge from above the table. Apparently the Kokiri had sunk down as far as she could in her seat in order to engage in some footsie. The two could hear childlike giggling from the insane Kokiri female.

"Jesus Christ!" Link shrieked like a banshee as he shot to his feet. His outburst gained the attention of every single Kokiri in the room. At once, everything went awfully silent.

"What's wrong?" a girl questioned.

"Er...uhh...I've got bad gas. Come on, Zelda. We're going to have to return home!" He yanked her up by her hand. She thought his odd excuse was rather random, but went along with his plan anyway.

"But you can't go!" Saria cried, scurrying back up to her chair. "The food is about to be served!"

"We must go." stammered Link. "It's not good when I get gas."

"No, it's quite horrible." Zelda joined in. "It would be best if we didn't join you for lunch."

"Don't go! You can't go!" some other Kokiri protested, standing up at their tables.

"Umm...er...hmm..." Link needed a good distraction. "...Look, it's Ron Jeremy!" He pointed to the far corner of the room. Of course, the little porn connoisseurs' heads turned to the direction Link indicated, eager to get a glimpse of the XXX actor. His lie worked well. While they weren't paying attention, Link pulled Zelda as fast as he could out of the meeting hall and outside.

"C'mon, let's head back to my tree house."

"Don't you think we should leave, Link?" Zelda asked. "I mean, they'll want our blood after this!"

"Na, we'll be fine. We'll stay for dinner, then we'll leave. Besides..." He took the princess into his arms. "I'm still going to hold you up for that dinner party for two."

"Hehe, okay. Let's go before they see us."

Unfortunately one Kokiri didn't fall victim to Link's trick. She watched the pair from the hall's front door as thy made their way back to Link's former home.

"Heh," Saria snorted. "It's time for that blonde-haired bimbo to die! I'm going to crash your little dinner party for two tonight, Link! And after I do, you'll be mine forever!" Maniacal laughter ensued.

So Link and Zelda got comfortable (or at least attempted to) in the tree house and dined over a meal of Chinese take-out. The princess sat on the small bed, content with her lo mein. Link was on the floor, shoving dumplings down his throat. Both were anxious and eager at the same time.

"I didn't think it could be so peaceful here, Link." Zelda said, picking at her noodles.

"I guess they're all busy making pornos again."

"Uck, well they can stay down there."

"Do I have to stay down here?" Link cutely looked up at her from his spot on the hard wooden floor. "My butt bone is starting to hurt."

Zelda chuckled while she sheepishly patted the empty spot on the bed next to her. "No, get up here."

Wasting no time, Link scooted up to her, his dumplings dish in tow. They exchanged glances and continued to snicker like two horny, giddy, inexperienced individuals...which they were anyway.

"Now what?" Zelda tried to control her wild case of giggles by talking.

"You've got a small piece of noodle stuck to the side of your cheek."

"Uh-oh! That's embarrassing-"

"No, not at all." Setting aside his dish, he reached over and tenderly wiped the spare food particle out of the way with his thumb. Mmm...romantic, isn't it? Chinese food always has that effect on people. ...Okay, I just made that up. In fact, it usually makes people either get a nasty case of the Hershey Squirts or gain an unquenchable thirst. That's why it's _my_ food of choice!

"Thanks, Link."

"No problem, Princess."

They both giggled again. It was a good way to stall and prevent Link from talking, because when he usually spoke in situations like this, he messed it up big time.

"It's definitely nice to be alone for once." Zelda started.

"Uh-huh."

"Without my dad."

"...Without Sir Shitsalot."

"...Without Aaron."

Whether they realized it or not, they gradually moved closer and closer to each other until they magically wound up in an embrace.

"Your breath smells like lo-mein." Link stupidly said. See, I told you he doesn't make any sense when he's about to score! Come to think of it, I don't think he ever makes any sense. Actually, does this story even make sense? I mean, it just seems to go on and on with a huge amount of idiocy and inane plot–WOAH REALITY CHECK!

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, because mine must smell like dumplings."

"Well I like it." She moved her mouth closer to his. He mirrored her advances. "It's such a nice night out."

"I know. The breeze feels good."

"You know that whenever you and I share a moment like this, something always comes along to fuck it up?" Zelda asked, watching his full tasty lips. She just wanted to bite into them!

"It's the story of my life, Zelda."

"Well, what's here to stop us now?"

"I don't know..."

"Want to find out?"

"...You know it, woman."

They slowly moved in to kiss each other and came painfully close to doing so when suddenly, from the window, something–no, someone!–jumped in and dove right onto Link's back! Surprised readers? I think not. You know me too well by now. That's why after reading this, I'll have to kill you all! Each and every one of you! ...Hehe, I'm only kidding, bitches!

"Aaaagggghhhh!" Link wailed, getting to his feet. He began to shake around wildly to throw whatever the hell was on him off his back. "What the hell is going on! Why me, God! Why me!"

"Link, it's your freaky friend!" Zelda screamed. "She must've come in through the window!"

"Indeed it's me!" The Kokiri barked as she held tightly onto Link's tunic. "Link, how could you do this to me! How could you cheat on me like this! Ugh, and it's with Zelda, above all people!"

"Get off of me!" Link reached behind to tear her off, but his efforts were futile. Zelda couldn't get close enough to help because her hero was flailing around so much. Link continued to yell like a girly-man. "Saria, have you lost your goddamn mind!

"Why yes, I think I have!" For added effect, she bit into the side of Link's neck, sparking him to howl in pain. Why'd she do such a thing? No reason.

"Link, are you okay?" Zelda cried. "What did she do to you!"

"I won't let go, Link! I love you! If I could, I'd permanently attach myself to you and ride you like a horsey!" Saria's dementia only proceeded to escalate. "Stop moving around so much! You're making me dizzy!"

"Let go of me, you demented bitch!" Finally, with all of his might, Link managed to undo Saria's iron grip by swinging around in one violent motion, causing the Kokiri to go flying across the room like a ragdoll. She slammed into the wall with a loud thud. Then she went motionless.

Zelda gasped as she waited for the figure to move, but it didn't. Link was out of breath and extremely shaken, but looked at the deranged Munchkin on the floor.

"Link, I think she's dead."

"Dead!" Saria immediately sprung back up and charged in Zelda's direction. She looked like a Chucky doll come to life! "I don't think so, skank!"

"Holy crap!" Before Zelda could defend herself, the Kokiri hurled herself onto the Hylian woman and went right for the jugular. "Link, help me!"

The Hero of Time was temporarily shocked by the image of Saria clinging onto Zelda's chest and trying to take bites out of her arms and neck. He didn't want to admit that it turned him on slightly...but only slightly. A yelp from Zelda brought him back to reality.

"Hold on, Princess!" Link grabbed the insane midget and tried to pull her off his love, but the little bugger was pretty strong! "She's like a gigantic mosquito!"

"Link! She's gonna rip out my throat! Help!" Zelda shrieked, trying to block Saria's mouth away with her hands. Suddenly, the princess felt a sharp pain in her right hand. "Ouch! The goddamn mother fucker bit me! She bit me, Link! Get her the fuck off! I think I'm bleeding! I'm going to need a rabies shot now!"

"Die, you stupid bitch! Die! Die a horrible, agonizing, searing death in the pits of hell! Then after that, I want you to die again, just to make sure you're dead!" Saria was ranting and raving to deaf ears. "Do you hear me, bitch? Link's mine! I'll claw your eyes out!" And she attempted to do just that.

"Aaaacckkk!" Zelda dodged her head away from the Kokiri's tiny fingers as they made a beeline for her eyes. "Link!"

"Ah, I got her now!" He successfully managed to grab a hold of Saria's green hair, and with all his might, tore the crazed imp off Zelda. He flung her to the floor hard in hopes that the impact would knock her unconscious. Both Hylians stood above the Munchkin, too shocked to say much of anything. Finally, after catching his breath, Link turned to Zelda.

"I-I think she's out cold."

"She better be!" Zelda yelped. Then she held her injured hand in his face. "Look what she did to me! It's all red and gross!"

"I'm so sorry, Princess. Well, if it's any consolation, look what she did to me." He tugged away his collar so Zelda could see the bite mark on his neck. "She left a hickey on my neck! If anyone was to leave a hickey on my neck, I'd want it to be you."

She let his last comment go over her head. She was no longer in the mood to be kissy/feely. "Saria's a total freak. I can't believe she's even a sage. What the hell were the gods thinking? I think she's even more insane than Ruto and Malon combined!"

"I'm never showing my face in this forest again! Let's get out of here before she wakes up!"

Link scooted down the tree house ladder and just barely hit the ground before he heard Zelda scream.

"Link, she's up again! Help!"

"Zelda, just jump! I'll catch you!"

"I guess I've got no choice!"

Bravely, she jumped from the top of the ladder and landed directly into Link's waiting arms. Saria stuck her head out of the doorway and glared down at the two.

"I'm going to kill you both!"

Link quickly put Zelda down and grabbed her hand. "We've got to run and hide somewhere! C'mon!" Of all places in that damn forest, Link headed straight for the entrance to the Lost Woods. The duo ran as fast as they could while the Kokiri continued to follow them in hot pursuit. Link had no idea where he was going, as it had been years since he last ventured into the woods, but it didn't take long for him to remember that it was called the "Lost Woods" for a reason.

...Hands readers Chapter 14, then runs away before I get devoured! I really don't have a good excuse as to why this took so long. Umm..I got a crazy puppy who's been keeping me busy. I originally wanted to make this chapter much longer, adding the maze chase scene I had promised at the end of the last chapter, but it just kept growing and growing. The next chapter will contain Link and Zelda's adventure in the Lost Woods, and two new (yet familiar) characters will be introduced. As always, reviews are very welcome! Just silly comments from you people puts a smile across my wicked face. Keep it up! Go to my website too! Until the next time, bitches!


	15. It's Called the Lost Woods For a Reaso

Chapter Fifteen: It's Called the "Lost Woods" For a Reason

When we last left our favorite Hylian pair, they were heading straight into the Lost Woods of Kokiri Forest. Behind them was an insane little impish female on a homicidal rampage. All Saria wanted to taste was Link's blood. Goddamnit, if she couldn't have him, no one could. Since killing every female in Hyrule was out of the question, she decided it would be easier to just take out the source of the problem itself–Link. Oh, and that Zelda bitch had to die too. Why? Just because.

As they entered the woods, the Hero of Time barely recognized his surroundings. Protectively, he pulled the princess close to his side and kept a firm grip on her hand. Under any other circumstances, he would've gotten off on the situation, but now all he could think about was getting out of that damn forest alive. He quickly glanced behind his shoulder and could make out the figure of Saria on their trail. Her stubby little legs didn't allow her to run as fast as her Hylian counterparts, but the Volt Energy Drink she chugged beforehand was starting to kick in.

"Is she still following us, Link?" Zelda asked, huffing away.

"Yes!!"

"Shit! Shit! Shit! Do you know where we're going?"

"Err..."

"You don't know where you're going?!" the princess roared. "How could you not know where you're going?! You've only traveled through these woods before a million times!"

"Yeah, but for some strange reason Zelda, every time I enter them, they change in appearance! Come to think of it..." Link stopped running dead in his tracks, forcing Zelda to practically slam into his side. "All of Hyrule changes its appearance on every single one of my adventures! Haha, crazy, isn't it?"

"What the hell are you doing, you asshole?! We can't stop now!"

"I seeeeee yyyooouuu!!!" Saria the mad Kokiri called from behind them. "Linky-poo, I'm coming to rip out your insides!!"

"Eek! Let's haul ass!" Link once again took hold of Zelda's hand and darted off.

In front of them lay a series of tunnels made from tree bark. Anyone's who has played a recent Zelda game knows what the hell I'm talking about. Just imagine everything the same, including the crazy sounding creepy music. It was difficult to see what was on the other side of the tunnels, and half the time you wandered into one, you ended up at the mouth of the Lost Woods anyway. Could you imagine getting lost while drunk in this forest? Jeez, they'd find your half-rotting remains on a tree stump or something. It was the fate of many a tree-hugging hippy Kokiri to get lost in the woods. You only entered them if you truly knew where you were going, or if you had no choice, like Link. Speaking of which...

"Where to now, hero?" snapped Zelda, staring at two tunnels in front of them.

"Umm...eeny, meeny, miny, mo!" Link yanked her over to the one on the right. "Let's try this one! We may be lucky and end up at the start of the woods."

They zipped through the tunnel, only to find a familiar looking section of forest on the other side.

"Weren't we just here?" the princess gasped. "What the hell is up with this place?"

"It does look familiar..." _...Think Link, think! You've done this so many times before! Ohh, Zelda' s breathing heavily as she rests up against me...Stop it!! Think you pig, think!..._

"...Why are you smiling like that?"

"...Smiling like what?"

"Like what you just did!"

"I smiled funny?"

"Yes!"

"...Why the hell are we arguing?!" Link cried. He whirled around to see if Saria had followed them. When she wasn't in sight, he exhaled a sigh of relief. "I think we lost her."

"I don't know about that. She should know these woods awfully well, wouldn't you think? Somehow, that psycho was chosen to be the sage of the Forest Temple."

"True. Heh, well you're the sage to lead them all."

"And what was _that_ supposed to mean?" She glared at her hero, upon whose face the dopey smiley from earlier had returned. "Was that meant to be a jab at me?"

"Err, no! Not at all, Princess!"

"You schmuck!" She retorted by punching him on the arm.

"Yeow!" the Hero of Time yelped, rubbing his bicep. "Why'd you do that?"

"I simply jabbed you back."

"But I didn't do it literally!"

Now I'm sure there are readers out there who are pondering, _why are they wasting so much time fighting when they should be running?_ The other half of my readers are probably staring into space right now, counting the dust particles in the air. You just gotta trust me with this one. It's going somewhere.

"Some wimpy hero you are!" Zelda laughed. Both of them seemed to temporarily forget that they were being pursued by a murderous elf-child.

"Wimpy?" Link balked, grinning. "You hit like a girl!"

"I _am_ a girl!"

"So I've noticed...heh."

Boo-ya! If anyone got where that reference came from, you just made my day. If you didn't, you should get back to the Zelda cartoon basics, bitch!

"I'll show you!"

"Please do!" _...Yes Zelda, beat me! Hurt me! Make me cry for Mommy! Spank my hard on my behind! Be my daddy, Zelda! Be my daddy!!..._

She charged at him with full force, and in true prissy fashion, proceeded to punch his chest with her delicate, well manicured fists. All it caused Link to do was laugh at her. Infuriated, Zelda then pushed Link as hard as she could.

"Agghh!" he wailed as he stumbled backwards into the tunnel behind him.

"Oh no! Link!!" Afraid that she'd be separated from her hero, she ran into the tunnel after him. "Where'd you go–oof!"

She ran into him with such force that it knocked them both over, her conveniently landing on top of him. Don't you wish things like this happened in real life, people? Like if you had a crush on someone, and you could _conveniently_ land on top of them? Then again...that wouldn't be a good thing to people as desperate as Link. ...What the hell am I talking about?

"Hey, Princess." Link chuckled, brushing Zelda's long hair out of his face_. "_Fancy running into you like this!"

"I–I just didn't want to lose track of you, that's all." she stammered. _...Dammit, this is awkward, isn't it? You're not even a good liar, Zelda. He's all sweaty...and not to mention stinky. Eww, man-stink!..._

"I'm glad I could break your fall."

"I'm just glad we're still together. Getting lost in this forest by myself is not something I'd want to go through."

"...Why are we running around here again?"

"Your demented Kokiri buddy wants to impale us both on a spit."

"Oh, that's right. Hehe, I get lost staring into your pretty blue eyes, Zelda. Kiss me!"

Before Zelda could wretch, because she totally was _not_ in the mood for some tongue action, a voice from behind them scared the bejesus out of the Hylians.

"Kiss you? Gladly!!" It was Saria.

Link could see the madwoman over Zelda's shoulder, and hastily pushed off the princess. "Run, Zelda! Follow me!"

The two sprung to their feet and headed into the closest tunnel.

"Yes, run!" the Kokiri yelled after them. "I'll find you, no matter where you go. I know where you live!" With that, she followed her prey.

In and out of tunnels the three ran, just missing each other, as they delved deeper into the woods. Each new territory they came across looked exactly like the one before it, making Link and Zelda even more confused. These two didn't need to be any more confused than they already were.

"Link, I'm getting tired!"

"We should go find somewhere to hide!"

They suddenly came to a clearing that looked unlike anything they had previously seen. Link eyed the few tall trees and got a bright idea. Uh-oh, better watch out!

"Do you think you could climb a tree, Princess?"

"Are you serious?"

"No I'm just messing with you–of course I'm serious!"

"I can try."

"Good, then let's get up in one of these trees. We may be able to hide from that freak up here. We can wait it out for a little bit, then when the coast is clear, we'll make an escape."

"Okay..." She watched as Link made his way over to a tree and started to climb up. "Hey, you've got to help me!"

"...Fine. Come on." _...Zelda, you're the reason my heart beats, but sometimes you can be a pain in my heroic ass..._

So the Hero of Time helped Zelda into the tree as hastily as he could, where they found a secure branch waaayyy up on top. From their perch, they could survey the entire area without being seen. They sat side-by-side, unsure of what to do next. For a few moments, they remained motionless and silent, afraid that at any second the psychobitch Kokiri would return and slit their throats. Finally, Link couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey, Zelda?" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"You think we're safe?"

"Maybe...for now."

"Hehe, good."

He let his legs dangle, and to Zelda's annoyance, began to hum a little tune.

"You should stop that." the princess snapped.

"Why?"

"Because she may hear you."

Link huffed. He gnawed on his lower lip for a few minutes before speaking again. "Hey Zelda?"

"What?"

"There's something I have to do right now." he giggled stupidly. "Please? Can I?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" She stared at him blankly, disliking the retarded look upon Link's face. "...Ugh, if you're going to bother me about it, go ahead."

"...Link and Zelda sittin' in a tree." he sang. "K-I-S-S--AGGGHHH!!!"

Without warning, Zelda turned and slapped the shit out of Link across his face, causing him to lose his balance and fall out of the tree. Don't ask me how he did that, but somehow, he managed to fall right out like a little baby bird who couldn't fly. Squish. Although, Link didn't go "squish". It was more like a "plop".

"Link, you moron!" Zelda barked from her branch. "Look what you did!"

"Ouch!" Link rubbed his now aching side. "Look what _I_ did?! You know, my white boy boney ass can't take any more falls like this!"

"Just shut up and get back up here before she finds you!"

"You know Zelda, I must say, I'd give my life for you if I had to, but goddamn can you be a bitch at times!"

"What?!" _...Did that wuss just stand up for himself? He called me a bitch! Why does that turn me on? Still, this isn't the time for that! I'll spank him when we get back to the castle. He won't call me a bitch and get away with it!... _"Do you want an ass-whooping, mister?"

Link blinked. He had no idea what she meant by that. Was she trying to be dirty, or was she dead serious? Link hoped it was the former, so he went with it.

"I wouldn't be threatening me like that, especially since from down here I can see up your dress!"

"You pervert! Stop that!" She scrambled to pull her skirt together, but it was too late. Link already had gotten a glimpse of the goods.

"You're wearing your Wednesday Day of the Week panties on a Friday?"

"Stop it! There's no way you can see from this high up!" _...He's lying, because I'm wearing Thursday Day of the Week panties, not Wednesday!... _"You're a liar!"

"Oh yeah? Don't make me come up there and take a look for myself!" _...Heh, that was smooth, Link. You go up there and peek up her dress, then prepare to get your eyes gouged out by Zelda's fingernails. Is a quick look at her snatch worth blindness? You bet it is!..._

"Eep!" The princess clasped her hands in front of her mouth, both eager and afraid for Link to make his move. Too bad his timing was shitty, as usual.

"There you two assholes are!" Saria entered the clearing, looking every bit like the rabid badger she was.

Link whirled around to see the maniacal midget sprinting towards him.

"Zelda, I'll catch up with you later!" Link immediately darted out of the clearing and into a nearby tunnel. He had no idea where it went, but if it took him away from Saria, that was good enough for him.

Saria decided to ignore Zelda, who was holding her breath up in the tree, and chase after the object of her delusional affections instead. "Your ass is mine, boy!" With that, she followed the Hero of Time into the tunnel. Once they left, the princess exhaled a deep breath, although she feared what the Kokiri would do once she got her hands on the Hylian hunk.

"Oh pooh, Link's in trouble. I guess I should go find him." From the distance, she could hear the faint cries of her hero as he shrieked like a girly-man. "...Maybe I'll stay up here instead. Besides, midgets can't climb trees very well. It's not like Saria can get up here to kill me."

Then, to make matters even worse for her, Zelda suddenly heard what sounded like wood splintering beneath her rump. Realizing what it was, she chewed on the inside of her cheek and grimaced.

"Awwww, fuck me!!!!"

The branch she was seated upon snapped from under her, causing her to plummet to the hard forest floor. "Owwwwchhhhh!!!!!" the princess wailed as she struggled to sit up. "Eh, it could've been worse. The Chinese food I ate earlier must've went straight to my ass to help cushion the fall."

While she nursed her sore butt, Link dashed like mad around the forest, hoping that he'd find somewhere to hide from the lovesick Kokiri not too far behind. His eyes scanned area after area, with no help in sight, until he heard the familiar sound of a wind instrument off in the distance. It seemed to be emanating from a nearby tunnel. He approached the entrance, only to be thwarted by another lunatic Kokiri before he could scamper inside.

"Jeez! Mido, what the hell are you doing here?!" he cried. "Are all you Kokiris out of your goddamn minds?!"

"I can't let you pass, Link." The little guy's voice was stern...well, about as stern as a three foot tall Munchkin could sound.

"Why the fuck not? Saria's gonna kill me if she finds me! Let me through!"

"You humiliated me before, Link. In front of all of my people."

"What?" The Hero of Time paused and folded his arms. "You mean, like all ten of them? Dude, you got served. There's no coming back from that. It's the cardinal rule of getting served! As a matter of fact, I'm surprised you're still alive. Look, just let me pass, okay? I'm a lot bigger than you."

"You think you can hurt me?"

"You come up to my crotch. Of course I can!"

"I couldn't handle being dishonored in such a way." Mido spoke. "After the serving, I went home and tried to flush my head down the toilet. Several failed attempts later, all I had gotten was a massive headache."

Link ignored what the imp was saying, irritated that he still couldn't pass. He anxiously tapped his foot against the ground and huffed.

"Now I have my chance to get revenge," the Kokiri continued. "So I'll let Saria find you and kill you."

"Umm, no. You're going to let me pass–"

"You shall not pass!"

"Jesus Christ! Do I have to serve you again?" Link then hesitated. "...Is a double serving even possible?"

Mido repeated his threat, extending his stubby arms to his sides.

"You shall not pass!"

"Umm...err... Fuck you, Gandolf!" Link, exasperated that he couldn't rid himself of the tree hugger, kicked him as hard as he could in the stomach, sending the Kokiri football into the tunnel and out of sight. _...Whew, I got rid of him! Who the hell did he think he was? Me? Why do so many people try to imitate me? Come to think of it, that blonde elf Legowhatever from that trilogy I can't remember the name of resembles me. Hmpf, but there's one difference... I'm not gay. Ohh yeah!!! There's only one Link, biatch, and it's me! You're gonna get served if you mess with–aww shit, Saria's still after me. Gotta run!..._

Link regained his senses after getting lost in La La Land for a few moments and entered the tunnel that he had punted Mido into. Upon exiting, he found his Kokiri foe lying unconscious in the middle of a flower field. The music from earlier had returned, but this time it was very intense, as if someone was playing a flute or an ocarina or some other bullshit right above his head. The hero gazed up into a tree and spotted a face he hadn't seen in a while.

"This place is like the ninth ring of Hell. Doesn't anyone sane live in this godforsaken forest?!"

Link instantly recognized the Skull Kid from his previous adventures. The son of a bitch got off on making Link chase him around the forest as he played his dumb little instrument. And for what? All for shits and giggles!

"Do de dah, do de dah, do de dah dah do de dah de do...dah de dah do..." came the Skull Kid's song. He didn't cease playing his tune as Link noticed him, but only proceeded to play it louder and even more ear-piercing than before.

"Hey you!" Link called up to the freak in the tree. "Could you come down here and help me out of this shithole?"

The kid responded by removing the flute or whatever away from his lips and hopped out of the tree, landing in front of the Hylian. He stayed silent, clutching his instrument in his small hands. Link detected the faint smell of cabbage.

"Okay, thank you. You seem to be the only normal..err...person living here. Anyway, could you direct me back to the forest entrance?"

The Skull Kid shook his head negatively. Link scowled.

"Why the hell not?"

Wordlessly, the forest denizen raised up his flute to the visitor and placed it back into his mouth. Link stared, unsure of what to do.

"What are you doing? I don't want you to play! Tell me the way out of here!"

The Skull Kid repeated his actions with the flute for a second time.

_...Am I gonna have to shove that thing up his ass?..._ Link thought. _...Oh wait, I think I know what he wants. I don't have time for this now!..._

"I see... You're gonna fuck with me again, aren't you?"

A malicious smile appeared across the kid's face.

"...Alright, fine! Where'd I put that stupid thing?" The Hero of Time reached into his satchel, which come to think of it, was sorta like a medieval fanny pack, and produced the magical ocarina. Of course, it didn't dawn on him to use the fucking thing to warp out of the Lost Woods, but then again, you readers know who we're dealing with. This guy isn't going to be winning any awards in astrophysics, that's for damn sure. He was lucky enough if he knew which boots went on each foot every morning. "Okay, I'll play with you!"

The Skull Kid clapped his hands together happily before resuming his music playing position. Link emulated him, unsure of what to do next. Then, the boy began to perform another tune as he bounced back and forth on both feet, but this one was unfamiliar to the hero.

"Dum dum deeeee dum! Dum dum deeeee dum!"

_...Oh, that one was easy. Let me repeat what he did..._

"Dum dum deeeee dum! Dum dum deeeee dum!" Link tooted on the ocarina.

Clearly pleased, the Skull Kid immediately began to play another song.

"Dum de dum de do dah de dum! Dum de dum de do dah de dum!"

_...Sounds familiar...I can do that!..._

"Dum de dum de do dah de eerrrkkk!" Fulfilling his role as the perpetual fuck-up of Hyrule, Link incorrectly played the last note of the passage, irking the Skull Kid. "Oh shit."

The midget made an angry face, then repeated the tune for the tone deaf elf.

"Okay, I think I've got it now." Link said, gazing at the ocarina as he fingered the correct note. "Dum de dum de do dah de bbllleeck!"

The kid slapped his palm across his forehead out of frustration.

"I think this thing's out of tune!" protested our hero. "C'mon! Do I really need to play this shit? Can't you just tell me how to get out of here?"

In his silent fashion, the Skull Kid placed the flute between his lips, urging Link to do the same. This time, he refused.

"No! I don't have time to play games! Saria's going to find me and do horrible things to my corpse after she kills me, and here you are, wasting my time without helping me!"

His pleas went ignored, as the kid raised the instrument again and directed it towards his mouth.

"Go choke on that thing, you jerk!"

The only response he got was the stupid song from before.

"Dum de dum de do dah de dum! Dum de dum de do dah de dum!"

"Is the only thing you know how to do is play that Fisher-Price toy? Do you possess vocal chords? Are you just mute or fucking retarded? What is it going to take for me to get you to talk?!"

"Dum de dum de do dah de dum! Dum de dum de do dah de dum!"

Link was fuming to the point where he felt his eyes crossing. The only thing he could do was attempt the tune one more time. He put the ocarina's mouthpiece between his lips and started to squeak away.

"Dum de dum de do dah de iicck!"

"Hehehehehe!!!" the Skull Kid laughed in his squeaky voice. "Hehehehehe!"

_...THAT got him to utter a sound? Oh, he can go drop dead!..._

Link, using his amazing catlike reflexes (you know, from all those years of endless masturbation), hurled his ocarina at the Skull Kid's head, where it made direct contact. The poor creature cackled one last time before falling onto a pile of leaves, out cold.

"Heh, you play _that_ tune, mother fucker." Link then chuckled to himself, "Hehe, that felt good! I've been meaning to hurt that bastard for some time now! But I still don't have a way out of here. Eh, it was worth it."

Forgetting about his instrument, (which apparently doubles as a projectile of pain in this story) he ran out of the Skull Kid's domain and into the nearest tunnel. He was alone, except for some trees and several woodland critters staring at him.

"I hope Zelda's okay! If she has some brains, maybe she'll find me."He thought about what he had just said. "Aw man, she's fucked."

"Liiiiiinnnnnkkkkk!!!" came a very welcome female shriek. "There you are!"

The Hero of Time turned to see his princess entering the scene from the same tunnel he had gone through.

"There you are!"

They greeted each other with a quick hug. Link watched lustfully as Zelda tried to catch her breath. She was sweaty and her bodice was tight. Hell, she could barely breathe, but to Link, she looked hot.

"I'm so glad I managed to find you!" she gasped. "It was easier than I thought."

"It was? How'd you find me?"

"I just followed the trail of bodies you left in your wake." Zelda joked, referring to Mido and the Skull Kid. "I found them in the previous clearing, along with THIS." She slapped the Ocarina of Time hard against Link's chest. "You can't go around leaving this all over the place! It's a sacred instrument or some junk!"

"I'm sorry! I'll try to be more careful. I had to use it as a weapon." He took it from her hand and returned it to his satchel.

"Ugh Link, fanny packs are so outdated."

"And what would you suggest I use to carry my equipment, Princess? Oh, I know!" he sarcastically quipped. "I'll just shove everything up my ass! Lord knows there's enough room up there for everything, including my boomerang _and _slingshot! Hold on, let me just bend over and shove the ocarina up there too. Maybe if I fart it'll play a nice ditty."

"Quit being a jackass, jackass." Zelda smirked. "So what did you do to Mido? I think he's in a coma."

"I served him."

"Again?!"

"Again."

"How do you serve someone twice in the same day? It's amazing he's still alive!!"

"Tell me about it!"

"Hey Link?"

"Yeah?"

"How exactly do you 'serve' someone?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, how do you get 'served'? Don't you think it's a peculiar term?"

"Umm, I guess so. You just serve people. There's no explaining it. It just sorta happens, but when it does, watch out, because there's no coming back from it."

"Ah, very well explained. I still don't understand it though."

"Neither do I, Zelda. Just accept it. I still don't understand the plot of this story, but I go ahead acting my part anyway."

"Yeah that's true..."

Link opted to change the subject. Time was of the essence!

"Let's get out of here!" He took the princess' hand and pulled her alongside him into a previously unexplored tunnel. They didn't care where it brought them, just as long as it was nowhere near that bitch Saria.

This time, the tunnel led them to a completely new area. Hell, they weren't even in the Lost Woods anymore! It was a special warp tunnel. Now _that_ was some hot shit right there.

The duo exited the wooden maw and surveyed their new surroundings.

"How the hell did we end up on Death Mountain?!" Zelda complained. She scuttled passed her Hylian hunk to take in a better look.

"Yup, this is definitely Death Mountain." Link confirmed.

"Gee, what gave that away? Couldn't have been the mountains spewing lava and the Gorons sitting over there having a picnic, could it? Your powers of perception amaze me, hero."

"Well excuse me, Princess! Why the sarcasm? I got us out of those woods, didn't I?"

"Whatever. It was pure luck."

Meanwhile, the two Gorons who had their picnic rudely interrupted by Blonde and Blonder stood up and approached the pair. They couldn't believe who was standing before their eyes!

"Look at that!" one exclaimed, patting the other on its shoulder. "That there be Link and Princess Zelda!"

"Golly! You sure be right! You think we should go up and introduce ourselves?"

"Let's go!"

Zelda quickly noticed the two Gorons making their way towards her and stopped walking dead in her tracks. She had never seen a Goron in person before. In coloring books yes, but never face-to-face. They sure were odd little things, with their portly frames and brown skin.

"Link..." she quietly called.

"What?"

"...They're coming over to us."

"Why are you whispering?"

"...They're freaky looking."

The Hylian couple quickly shut up and forced smiles at the Gorons.

"Hey there, Link!" the taller of the two creatures waved. "What brings you guys up in these parts?"

"You got lost there?" the other asked. "It be quite high up here to have two wanderers lose their way!"

"We were being chased in the Lost Woods and managed to find this warp tunnel." Link explained. "Now we just need to get back to Hyrule Castle."

"Yes, as soon as possible!" interjected the princess. She already didn't like the Gorons. For some reason, she couldn't get the song "Dueling Banjos" out of her head.

"Oh, then let us take you to our leader, all right? He be sure to help you, ya hear?"

Link and Zelda turned to face each other.

"What do you think we should do?" she questioned him.

"Hopefully they'll bring us to Darunia, the Goron leader. He's a really cool guy, so he should be able to hook us up."

"The Gorons are nothing like the Kokiri, right?"

"If you're implying that they love child porn, then no, they're not." Link paused and looked at the Goron pair. "They're just...mountain folk."

"Come on there, Princess Zelda!"a Goron urged. "Let us show you how us Gorons are hospitable!"

"...Don't you live in caves?" the princess asked with a raised eyebrow. "And don't you like, eat rocks?"

"Rocks and scotch make a balanced diet!"

"You heard the man...err, thing!" Link laughed. "All right, we'll come with you two to see Darunia."

As the foursome made their way up Death Mountain, Zelda remained close to her hero by grabbing a hold of his arm. Link felt his brow lift (you readers were probably expecting some sort of erection joke here, but I decided to go for some shock value by not making a vulgar comment, for a change) at the princess' touch.

"I just want to go home." she whined into his ear.

"We're heading home now, Zelda. The Gorons are going to keep their word and help us out."

"Yeah, you said the same thing about the Kokiri...and the Zoras...and Malon."

Link didn't react too nicely to her comment. He was tired, achy, and had to take a leak.

"Okay okay, so everyone I know is a bonafide freak, all right?" he hissed to his female companion. "That just means you're the ruler of a freak show!"

"Are you implying that my kingdom is a...a...freak show?!"

"I am!"

"Then you're the ringmaster of the freak show, jerkoff!" Zelda released her grip on his arm and pushed him away. "God Link, you really know how to kill the mood."

"_I_ know how to kill the mood? What do you mean by that?"

"It's because of _your_ friends that our private time keeps getting interrupted!" She ceased following her Goron guides to scold the Hero of Time. If she felt like shit, he needed to feel like shit too...even _more-so!_ "All of your so called 'buddies' try to kill me and have sex with you! Have you noticed that?"

Link crossed his arms and acknowledged her in a very "matter-of-fact" tone, which only angered the princess even more.

"Why yes, Zelda. They all do want to get into my tights. But once they find out they can't, they try to kill me too."

"Well I hate all of your 'friends', Link!" Somewhere between meeting the Gorons and the "freak show" remark, Zelda had lost her mind. "It's because of that fish bitch Ruto that we had such a miserable time in Zora's Domain! And you know what we would've been doing if that asshole didn't interrupt us?"

"Err...we would've shagged?"

The two Gorons couldn't help but listen to the Hylians' conversation with interest.

"Golly, they seem to be arguin' over somethin' nasty, all right!"

"I think they be talkin' 'bout doin' the deed!"

"...But I thought they be brother and sister."

"Why you say that there?"

"They look alike, with the blue eyes and blonde hair and such..."

"If that be true, then the lovin' would be even better, ya hear!"

Cue the banjo music!!!

"And remember when we went to Lon Lon Ranch?" Zelda continued ranting to the hero, who for reasons beyond him, was getting _very_ aroused. "That insane ranch-girl wanted you too!"

"Malon's nuts though–"

"As were Ruto and Saria! And you want to know what we would've been doing _right now_..._right this second_... if it weren't for your green-haired buddy?!"

"I would've had you upside-down and naked on a trapeze swinging over my bed like a sex-crazed Amazonian temptress!"

"Damn straight, Mr. Hero! And now you're letting these two hillbillies drag us back to the bayou where they live? Who knows what'll happen to us there! I've seen the movie Deliverance, Link, and it doesn't end well!!"

Link felt his fists clench at his side. _...She's asking for it again! Why is her timing just as shitty as mine? Time to blow off our rock eating escorts... _

"Well, it's been fun!" He instantly took hold of Zelda's hand while addressing the Gorons. "We've got to go!"

"Where you two gone off to?" one of the guides questioned, puzzled at Link's sudden change of heart.

"We thought you two wanted to go home!" the second Goron chimed in.

"Err, change of plans!" He began to drag Zelda back towards the tunnel's entrance. During their short conversation, they only moved like ten feet. It was kinda like watching a Lord of the Rings movie. The idiots trek across twelve feet of land in three and a half hours. Wow, I'm just full of Lord of the Rings references in this chapter. Think I need some new material?

"Link, where are we going?" the princess nervously asked.

"Back to my tree-house, goddamnit!"

"Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" The Gorons waved to the departing Hylians.

"Don't you think that's a bad idea, Link?"

"I don't care!! I'm not gonna let anything get in the way this time!" he barked, pulling Zelda behind him as if she were a naughty child. "You and I are gonna shag if it _kills_ me!"

"Eww." she cringed. "Well, at least you'd die with a smile on your face."

He ignored her comment. They were back in the cursed forest.

"Now how the hell do we get back to the village?" He examined a series of tunnels in front of him.

"Why don't we just go back to the palace–"

"Because someone's bound to walk in on us there, whether it be Aaron, Sir Shitsalot, or your father! Also, your damn pet octorok will probably hit me in the ass with a rock if I go anywhere near you!"

"I hate to break it to you, hero, but we won't exactly have privacy in Kokiri Forest either, considering that there's an enraged midget after us. Did you forget about that?"

"Look, do you want to shag or not?"

"...I do."

"Then shut up!"

Zelda felt her eyes bug out at Link's outburst. _...Oh my stars, he's telling me to shut up! ME!!!! When we're done mating like two bonobos in heat, I'm gonna shove my high-heeled boot right up his poop chute!..._

She stared at Link as he eagerly decided which tunnel to try next. She had to admit, that the mad look in his eyes made him look super sexy, complete with the disheveled hair and tunic. She wanted it rough. She wanted it _bad. _

"Hurry up and pick one, you dumbass."

"Here goes nothing!" He yanked Zelda after him into one of the tunnels. What awaited them on the other side was nothing short of bizarre. They certainly weren't in Hyrule anymore, that's for damn sure!

"What the hell?" Zelda scanned her new surroundings. They were in a meadow filled with miniature mushrooms. The clouds had happy faces on them. Happy faces! On _clouds_! How crazy wacky!"Link, I'm frightened!"

"So am I! That mushroom's alive and is staring at me!"

"And who are _they?_"

The two looked up to see a trio of strangers, composed of one portly man, one tall scrawny man, and a chick in a pink dress, standing only a few feet away.

"How'd Farrah Fawcett end up here?" Link asked Zelda, pointing to the strawberry blonde woman with the foofy hair.

"Hey! Who are-a you?" the pudgy gentleman clad in red suspenders asked the duo.

"Err, before I answer, who are you?"

"No! I asked a-first!"

"Fine, I'm Link, the Hero of Timefrom Hyrule."

As Link mentioned his proper title, Zelda made a "whoopty doo!" motion with her right hand.

"And who-a she be?"

"I am Princess Zelda of Hyrule." she answered in as regal of a voice as she had.

"Another princess?" the second woman balked. "I'm Princess Peach, and you're no longer in Hyrule, but in _my_ kingdom, the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Princess Peach?" Link had to stifle in a chuckle as he leaned in to whisper to Zelda, "Sounds like the name of a porn star."

"She kinda looks like one too."

Link turned to face Princess Peach and shrugged.

"...Yeah, I'd hit it."

"You jerk!" The Hylian princess snapped as she smacked Link on the side.

"Oh Zelda, you're still the only princess I'd ever want to hit." _...In more ways than one!!!!... _"Which brings me back..." He eyed his lady-friend up and down to remind himself why exactly he dragged them both back into the Lost Woods in the first place. He'd get his shag, even if it _killed_ him!!!

"And I am Mario! Would you two like to come over for some-a pizza?"the plumber invited the visitors. "Everyone knows that Italian-Americans make the best pizza! Especially Italian-Americans from Brooklyn!" Now, all Italian-Americans, myself included, do not make the best pizza. Hell, I can't even fucking cook. Thanks a LOT, Nintendo! These damn stereotypes about us better stop, ya heard? Don't make me get Tony Soprano on your ass, because everyone knows that Italians have mob connections...which may be partially true on my part, thanks to my Sicilian relatives. TANGENT ALERT! Back to the story!

"No thanks, Mario, but we've got to get out of here and back to Hyrule." Link explained, taking Zelda's hand once again.

"You don't want to stay?"

"No I'm really sorry, but we can't."

"It's a shame! You should-a stay!"

"I need to get out of here! What's gonna happen to me next? Donkey Kong gonna fall out of the sky and onto my head?!" Link and Zelda headed over to the mouth of the tunnel. "I've been having the worst day ever!!"

"Us both!" the Hylian princess butted in. "This day has totally sucked ass so far!"

"Peace out, bitches!" Link shouted as he pulled his woman into the warp-tree thingie. Luckily, they ended up back in the Lost Woods. "Whew, thank God! That place was scary!"

"Yeah, even the damn clouds and mushrooms had smiley faces on them."

"I bet they're all raging coke addicts."

"It's quite likely."

They faced each other hungrily.

"Now, back to the tree-house..." Link grinned in a very evil-like fashion.

"Link, I need you like I need Pepto-Bismal after eating Indian food." Zelda purred. "I don't know how much longer I'll be able to last like this."

"Heh, _you_ don't think you'll be able to last? I've been waiting _years_!"

"Then pick another tunnel!"

"Fine, here we go!"

They entered a second gaping maw made of tree trunk and ended up in another dump–Zora's Domain. They couldn't have warped to a worse place, as they found themselves cornered by several Zoras.

"Goddamnit!" Link shrieked. "What's up with this fucking forest?!"

Upon seeing the Hylians, the aquatic creatures began to point and yell.

"Fish killers!!!"

"Screw this place!" Zelda yelped, clutching Link "Back into the forest we go!"

And they did just that. They were at square one again, unsure of which tunnel to pick.

"...I'm so sick of this shit, Zelda. Why don't we just shag right here?"

"NO! I want it to be romantic, with scented candles and Barry White music!"

"Ack, you women and your romance! Can't we just shag?"

"Fuck you! I'm not in the mood anymore! As I said, you know how to really kill the mood, Link!"

"Well excuse me, Princess!"

"Eat shit and die!" Zelda screamed at her hero. "...But get us out of here first."

While the two bickered about shagging and an escape, Saria the madwoman got completely lost in her own woods while chasing after them.

"Aw crap, I can't believe I'm lost. I should know these woods like the back of my hand, and my hand's not really that big, so..."

Upon her travels, she came across the unconscious Skull Kid.

"Hmm... Since I'm probably never going to get Link, maybe I can use this guy..." She walked over to the boy and examined him. "I can put him in a green tunic, and he can keep that mask on. Yes, he'll do. He'll do just fine!"

Saria cackled with glee to herself as she took a hold of the kid's ankles and began to drag him through the forest chamber. The motion caused him to stir and groan. The sage turned to her new prize and smiled.

"I'm gonna take you home and love you forever and ever and ever!"

The Skull Kid was fully awake now! He shook his head and hands negatively as he wriggled to get free, but alas, he could not. Scared for his life, he started to make whimpering sounds. Saria faced her new friend again.

"Your ass is mine, boy." she growled. "Or should I call you...Link?"

Suddenly, the only thing you could hear was the high-pitched screaming of the Skull Kid all over the Lost Woods. Even Link and Zelda, who were still fighting in another area of the forest, heard it. It made them come to their senses.

"We've got to get out of here!" Link panicked. "Saria's on the prowl!"

"I'm picking the tunnel this time." the princess said. "And I pick...this one!"

The two gingerly ran into the warp, and were relieved when they saw Hyrule Castle in the distance once they exited. They were no longer in the Lost Woods, but in Hyrule Field. The most important part was that it was nowhere near the Kokiri!

"Ha!" Zelda victoriously cheered. "Leave it to a woman to get it right on the first shot! You stupid men need to ask for our help more."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Link grumbled. He reached into his satchel and pulled out a bomb.

"What are you doing?"

"Saying 'good riddance' to the Lost Woods once and for all!!"

He somehow magically lit the bomb without the aid of a match (hey people, that's like how it is in the game. Don't go looking for an explanation when you know there isn't one) and placed it in front of the tunnel's entrance.

"Back away, Zelda!"

The bomb exploded, causing a bunch of rocks to cave in, sealing the warp off for good. What Link didn't realize was that he probably started a forest fire in the process, but oh well. Smokey the Bear could burn in hell with the rest of the Kokiri for all he cared.

"Well, now that we're home, what do you want to do?" he questioned.

"...I'm totally not in the mood for that." Zelda knew damn well what he was alluding to. "Not in the mood at all."

"Strangely, neither am I anymore."

"Let's go home and make fun of Sir Poopsalot."

"Sounds like fun!"

In the meantime, up on Death Mountain, Ganon was concocting a new plan for messing with his favorite pair of Hylian elves. This time, he actually came up with something good, aside from the usual "plundering Hyrule and taking the Triforces and kidnaping Zelda etc. etc." Even he grew bored of it. After watching several episodes of The Golden Girls, he was filled with the inspiration that only Bea Arthur could provide, and finally hatched an idea that was insane enough to work.

"BWA HAHA! I HAVE COME UP WITH THE ULTIMATE PLAN TO PISS OFF MR. LEFTY AND THE BLONDE WONDER!" He was in his chamber, talking wildly to himself, like any crazed villain would do. "WITH MY NEW CREATIONS," The Evil Incarnation of Darkness turned around to face carbon copies of Link and Zelda. "I AM SURE TO CONFUSE A FEW PEOPLE! OF COURSE, THOSE HYLIANS ARE SO DAMN STUPID THEY PROBABLY WON'T EVEN NOTICE." Ganon overlooked his creations and admired how accurately they resembled the real Link and Zelda.

"DARK LINK! EVIL ZELDA! LET ME GAZE UPON YOU ONE LAST TIME!"

The two clones simply turned around in a circle so their master could have one final chance to inspect them for any significant physical differences to the real deals.

"AH! VERY GOOD!"

Now, dear readers, I'm sure you know exactly where the Dark Link character comes from, but Evil Zelda's a rip-off of one of the Legend of Zelda cartoon episodes. Remember the one where Ganon created Zelda's doppelganger, and she wore black lipstick and made out with Link? You _knew_ it totally wasn't the real Zelda if she made out with Link, because the real princess would've been like, "EWWW!!!" Well, that's where I pulled the Evil Zelda bitch from. Respect.

Still, Ganon's Link and Zelda doubles weren't exactly perfect. Dark Link was just like the real Link in every single way physically, even down to his battle scars. The only differences were that his tunic was black, not green, his eyes sometimes turned red, and he occasionally foamed at the mouth. His voice also had a seductive tone to it, like he went through puberty or something. Okay, so the differences between Dark Link and the Hero of Time were significant, but as already stated, the Hylians were idiots and wouldn't catch on too quickly. Evil Zelda was just a nastier version of Zelda. Ganon realized it was going to be hard to tell the two apart, since they were both huge bitches. Oh, and she loved to wear dark dresses with plunging necklines and tight corsets to show off her ample bosom.

"Ganon, oh master, how long are we supposed to keep up this...farce?" Evil Zelda cooed. Her voice was the same as Dark Link's–enticing, with a hint of evil.

"AS LONG AS YOU PLEASE. JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID TO GET YOURSELVES NOTICED! REMEMBER, THE REAL DIPSTICKS ARE GOING TO BE WANDERING AROUND TOO!"

"Like what do you mean by 'stupid'?" Dark Link smirked. He clearly had alternate motives to Ganon's plan.

"...I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BANG THE REAL ZELDA, BUT DON'T YOU DARE!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE I WANT THE REAL LINK TO DO THAT! IF YOU WANT TO SCREW ZELDA SO BAD, THEN SCREW HER!" Ganon pointed to Evil Zelda with his long piggy index finger.

"Oh God, no!" Dark Link whined.

"You're not exactly a prize either, fuckface." Evil Zelda snorted to her counterpart.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU! EVIL ZELDA'S PHYSICALLY IDENTICAL TO THE REAL ZELDA IN EVERY WAY!"

"But..." Dark Link gazed at the fake princess. "She's such a bitch!"

"I wouldn't want to screw him." Evil Zelda told Ganon. "I want the real thing."

"DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING DUMB TOO, OR IT'S BACK TO THE EVIL JAR FOR YOU BOTH!"

"Okay, your Evilness, we'll be good." Dark Link lied as he crossed his fingers behind his back.

"SOMEHOW BEING GOOD AND BEING YOU DON'T MIX. NO MATTER! GO WREAK HAVOC IN HYRULE, MY MINIONS!" The Demon Thief's tone suddenly softened, "...And if one of you two goons happens to come across Miss Snuffles, give her a hug and a kiss from Uncle Ganon. NOW GOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Jesus Christ, do you have to scream in our faces like that?" Dark Link barked, annoyed.

"Sorry," Ganon sheepishly apologized, wringing his hands together. "I do it for dramatic effect."

"You're standing two feet away from us, for Din's sake!" Evil Zelda snapped.

"Heh, wipe the foam away from your mouth, Dark Link." The King of Evil smirked.

The clone nervously wiped it away with his hand. Evil Zelda rolled her eyes in disgust.

"NOW GO!!!!!!!!"

So Dark Link and Evil Zelda left Death Mountain and headed for their destination–Hyrule Castle. They were planning to spread chaos wherever they went in the name of Ganon, who _clearly_ had nothing else better to do with his spare time. One thing was for sure though. He didn't care if it blew his cover, but Dark Link was out to score with the real Zelda. Not even the true Hero of Time himself was gonna stand in his way. It was _on._

_D_ear readers, I have absolutely no excuse for why this chapter took me forever to write, but I hope you enjoyed it! I'm going to continue writing this story until I can't physically type no more...or until a rabid zebra gnaws my hands off. Whatever comes first. Keep reading, bitches!!


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